Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Chapter 13; part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
74 total reviews
Comment from Tellis
I'm sorry to have to say this, but she's being a real bitch. He didn't help it by acting that way either. Another excellent chapter.
Tellis
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2010
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I'm sorry to have to say this, but she's being a real bitch. He didn't help it by acting that way either. Another excellent chapter.
Tellis
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I wonder if Sara will redeem herself.
Comment from R. K. Alan
ARGH... I expected him to pull out an engagement ring from the duffle bag but you're going to make me wait. Unless, of course, he is a mad man and will pull out a gun and shoot everyone, but I doubt that very much. Ray aka krylon
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2010
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ARGH... I expected him to pull out an engagement ring from the duffle bag but you're going to make me wait. Unless, of course, he is a mad man and will pull out a gun and shoot everyone, but I doubt that very much. Ray aka krylon
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from RKagan
It sounds like we are in for a very romantic "make up" chapter. I cannot imagine that these two do not end up together the relationship is far too strong. You do a great job of building the tension until next time. great work.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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It sounds like we are in for a very romantic "make up" chapter. I cannot imagine that these two do not end up together the relationship is far too strong. You do a great job of building the tension until next time. great work.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Barbara,
I hate that Sara won't believe Joe is still the same man she fell in love with. It seems she always looking for something that will break them up...true or imagined. However, having said that, my husband was a cop and they are suspicious of everyone. I think that is what Sara sees. This chapter flows just fine and I wouldn't change a word. Well done...blessings, chey
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Hi Barbara,
I hate that Sara won't believe Joe is still the same man she fell in love with. It seems she always looking for something that will break them up...true or imagined. However, having said that, my husband was a cop and they are suspicious of everyone. I think that is what Sara sees. This chapter flows just fine and I wouldn't change a word. Well done...blessings, chey
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. My husband was CID for the Army. He says every body has a public side, a private side and a secretive side. HUMMMM, I wonder what he's hiding.
Comment from Realist101
Hi Barb! This chapter is really excellent!! I didn't see one spag...not one. I just can't get over how professional you write, your dialogue is so well done, carrying the story along just like a great movie! It would be neat if this were! (a movie)! Kids need to know that the internet(s)lol, can be a dark alley. Great work my friend! I am sorry I am late with replys and reviews! Ahhhh!! ") Love you!! Susan
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Hi Barb! This chapter is really excellent!! I didn't see one spag...not one. I just can't get over how professional you write, your dialogue is so well done, carrying the story along just like a great movie! It would be neat if this were! (a movie)! Kids need to know that the internet(s)lol, can be a dark alley. Great work my friend! I am sorry I am late with replys and reviews! Ahhhh!! ") Love you!! Susan
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your support and review.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Barbara,
I've said this several times, this lady needs to sort her thinking out!
Good chapter, well written as always.
Patrick
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Hi Barbara,
I've said this several times, this lady needs to sort her thinking out!
Good chapter, well written as always.
Patrick
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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I heard a rumor in the next post, she will get that chance. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from JW
Interesting chapter. You did a great job of writing a beleivable argument. That is something that is not always easy to do. Great job.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Interesting chapter. You did a great job of writing a beleivable argument. That is something that is not always easy to do. Great job.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from juliaSjames
I read this as a stand-alone piece, and I must say that I'm impressed. The argument between Joe and Sara is written with deftness and sympathy without author interference.
I have a few comments for your consideration.
At the end of the first paragraph, you indicate Joe's thoughts. But I'm confused. When he thinks, "I'd better let her sleep..." is he referring to Sara or to Cassie?
Don't think you need to capitalize "styrofoam".
Just to make Sara's thoughts more accurate, what about "There's no way I'll agree to Cassie becoming an agent."
When does Joe arrive at Sara's house? That same day? afternoon? Might be good to indicate.
Suggest "Joe glanced at his watch and noticed that thirty minutes had flown by."
Seems like quite a day. Stsrting off with joy and relief and ending in tears as the lovers squabble. A very believable outcome considering the context.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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I read this as a stand-alone piece, and I must say that I'm impressed. The argument between Joe and Sara is written with deftness and sympathy without author interference.
I have a few comments for your consideration.
At the end of the first paragraph, you indicate Joe's thoughts. But I'm confused. When he thinks, "I'd better let her sleep..." is he referring to Sara or to Cassie?
Don't think you need to capitalize "styrofoam".
Just to make Sara's thoughts more accurate, what about "There's no way I'll agree to Cassie becoming an agent."
When does Joe arrive at Sara's house? That same day? afternoon? Might be good to indicate.
Suggest "Joe glanced at his watch and noticed that thirty minutes had flown by."
Seems like quite a day. Stsrting off with joy and relief and ending in tears as the lovers squabble. A very believable outcome considering the context.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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I will check those areas out. Thank you for your kind review.
You are very welcome. I'm a novice writer, so reviewing the work of experienced authors like yourself helps me learn. peace and blessings, jj
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Not a problem.
Comment from Missey
I really like this chapter. I think you did a good job. I just have a few comments. Becuase I just read this chapter and not the previous ones, you can ignore my comments if you think they don't apply.
I love you, Sara. I'd better let her sleep. I can talk with her after I finish my paperwork.
(These thoughts confused me a bit. They don't flow smoothly, only becuse in the first sentence Joe is talking to Sara, and in the next too he's talking to himself. Could you maybe have him saying the words "I love you, Sara" in quotations. or whispering them?)
Would you like some?
(Would you like some what?)
Sara smiled at Dani. "Cassie, I'd like you to meet Dani Patterson. She's a computer hacker who discovered where you were kept. Without her help you could still be ...." She hesitated. Cassie's home and safe. I won't think about what could have happened.
(This is Sara thinking - and talking. Can you say "Sara hesitated," to make it more clear for your reader?)
Are there many women agents?
(Needs quotation marks.)
Sara smiled as the doctor walked in the door. "Good morning. Can she go home?" Perfect timing. There's no way Cassie can be an agent. It's too dangerous.
(Put "Sara thought" in between "perfect timing" and "there's no way..." so that we know who's thinking and that she's thinking.
Love you work! I really do. I just think my suggestions will make your writing more clear for the reader. It's ok to hop from one person's thoughts/mind to another, as long as we know who it is. (without having to think about it too much)
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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I really like this chapter. I think you did a good job. I just have a few comments. Becuase I just read this chapter and not the previous ones, you can ignore my comments if you think they don't apply.
I love you, Sara. I'd better let her sleep. I can talk with her after I finish my paperwork.
(These thoughts confused me a bit. They don't flow smoothly, only becuse in the first sentence Joe is talking to Sara, and in the next too he's talking to himself. Could you maybe have him saying the words "I love you, Sara" in quotations. or whispering them?)
Would you like some?
(Would you like some what?)
Sara smiled at Dani. "Cassie, I'd like you to meet Dani Patterson. She's a computer hacker who discovered where you were kept. Without her help you could still be ...." She hesitated. Cassie's home and safe. I won't think about what could have happened.
(This is Sara thinking - and talking. Can you say "Sara hesitated," to make it more clear for your reader?)
Are there many women agents?
(Needs quotation marks.)
Sara smiled as the doctor walked in the door. "Good morning. Can she go home?" Perfect timing. There's no way Cassie can be an agent. It's too dangerous.
(Put "Sara thought" in between "perfect timing" and "there's no way..." so that we know who's thinking and that she's thinking.
Love you work! I really do. I just think my suggestions will make your writing more clear for the reader. It's ok to hop from one person's thoughts/mind to another, as long as we know who it is. (without having to think about it too much)
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your suggestions. I will consider them.
Comment from Matoshka
This story is moving along so great. I'm glad they found Cassies daughter. I'm so sorry her and Joe are not doing well, but maybe. He left his duffel bag, so there is trust there. I wonder what was in the box. I loved how this just flowed along. Great story, can't wait for the next chapter. Blessings.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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This story is moving along so great. I'm glad they found Cassies daughter. I'm so sorry her and Joe are not doing well, but maybe. He left his duffel bag, so there is trust there. I wonder what was in the box. I loved how this just flowed along. Great story, can't wait for the next chapter. Blessings.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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You are so welcome and Blessings.
