Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Chapter 12; part three"Can love survive small town gossip?
69 total reviews
Comment from L.lora
Excellent, exciting,
very discriptive with
great dialogue. A most
enjoyable read. Now,
off to bed with you--we
need you to take care and
follow orders so you'll be
around to write us more exciting
novels. Have a wonderful and happy
holiday, big hugs. Lora
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
  |
Excellent, exciting,
very discriptive with
great dialogue. A most
enjoyable read. Now,
off to bed with you--we
need you to take care and
follow orders so you'll be
around to write us more exciting
novels. Have a wonderful and happy
holiday, big hugs. Lora
Comment Written 21-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from Readywriter52
Joe managed to rescue Cassie that was very exciting. He has to go back and rescue the other two girls. I'm sure that will be very exciting.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
|
Joe managed to rescue Cassie that was very exciting. He has to go back and rescue the other two girls. I'm sure that will be very exciting.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Tellis
Well he finally rescued her and is going back for the others. I'm glad things worked out well and I hope you do get enough rest. If you don't have a laptop maybe you could get your desktop moved near the bed and get a wireless keyboard and mouse. I have these and If I wanted to I could sit in the Lazyboy and do computer stuff on the TV, LoL. Keep up the good work and take care of yourself.
Tellis
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
|
Well he finally rescued her and is going back for the others. I'm glad things worked out well and I hope you do get enough rest. If you don't have a laptop maybe you could get your desktop moved near the bed and get a wireless keyboard and mouse. I have these and If I wanted to I could sit in the Lazyboy and do computer stuff on the TV, LoL. Keep up the good work and take care of yourself.
Tellis
Comment Written 21-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. I purchased a laptop, so I could keep up while in bed.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Barbara, I love your story. There is no excess padding- just action and fine tuning all the way. Please take a rest when you need it - we all want you well. Sounds like you've got a good doctor, now behave - we can wait! God bless you!
Giddy
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
 |
Barbara, I love your story. There is no excess padding- just action and fine tuning all the way. Please take a rest when you need it - we all want you well. Sounds like you've got a good doctor, now behave - we can wait! God bless you!
Giddy
Comment Written 20-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
-
I can't understand why my doctor doesn't believe I will rest. Anyway, thank you for the kind review.
Comment from R. K. Alan
So glad Cassie is safe. You pulled off the action very well. I enjoyed the excitement. Not sure why Joe is going back though. Ray aka Krylon
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
|
So glad Cassie is safe. You pulled off the action very well. I enjoyed the excitement. Not sure why Joe is going back though. Ray aka Krylon
Comment Written 20-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
-
He want's to help rescue the other two girls. Thank you for your kind review.
-
But his entire team was there and he is injured... leave him home, please. Ray
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
As usual you have a nice group of elements. However, I get the feeling you're rushing. You're making a lot of errors you've made before. This chapter doesn't flow well. Here are a few "nits" in need of fixing:
The [shortest] -- You didn't give the crooks names so your references to them seem clumsy. man slugged Joe's right jaw. "I'm in charge. My first order's to kill you." [He grabbed his knife from his behind his belt,] -- The first "his" needs to go and why would his knife be "behind" his belt? -- sliced Joe's left arm, then [placed] -- (held) would work better. -- There's one too many "Joe's" in this line, but the way you wrote doesn't leave much choice. -- it against Joe's throat.
[A] -- Replace with (The) heavyset man grabbed his arm. "You can't kill him. He's our ticket out of here." He [yanked the knife from his partner's hand.] -- How did he do that if the other guy held it to Joe's throat? ["There are only three of us left.] -- You've already established that and everybody in the room knows it. -- We need him alive for insurance."
Matt's voice bellowed through the window. "What should I tell the pilot?"
The short man yelled, "We're on our way."
[Matt asked,] -- You don't need it. It's obvious Matt's asking the question. "How many passengers?"
"Seven[!]" -- not necessary, use a period.
The helicopter's engines roared [as] drop the word and start a new sentence. Matt yelled, "We're ready for take-off."
Joe noticed a light flash from a tree branch. He slowed, made sure he was within reach of Cassie, and glanced back. When he saw the man clear the porch, he pushed his body into Cassie, knocking her behind a bush and protected her body with his. At the same moment, a bullet whizzed past him and hit that man.
Before Matt could answer, Eric ran to them. "I ordered another [helicopter]. It'll land down the frontage road about a quarter mile to your left." He glanced at the [helicopter] in front of them. "It couldn't be a safe take-off."
With the sound of another [helicopter] behind them, Matt stared at Joe. "Get Cassie to safety. The hospital's expecting both of you. I'll stay here and rescue the other two girls." -- Try using "chopper" & "aircraft" to replace two uses of "helicopter."
He glanced at her. ["I can tell by the resemblance you're Cassie's mom.] -- The previous line isn't working. I doubt the doctor would say it and Cassie would've called out to Sara immediately. -- She's a lucky young lady; only a few scratches and bruises, nothing serious. I want her to spend the night for observation."
Sara rushed to Cassie and hugged her.
Joe opened the curtain between them. "Cassie, are you finished with my shirt?"
Sara noticed his bruised jaw and the stitches in both arms. "Why does Cassie have your shirt and are you all right?"
* * * *
You have too many name repeats which need fixing.
You're pushing toward the ending and it shows.
Ted
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
 |
Hi Barbara :)
As usual you have a nice group of elements. However, I get the feeling you're rushing. You're making a lot of errors you've made before. This chapter doesn't flow well. Here are a few "nits" in need of fixing:
The [shortest] -- You didn't give the crooks names so your references to them seem clumsy. man slugged Joe's right jaw. "I'm in charge. My first order's to kill you." [He grabbed his knife from his behind his belt,] -- The first "his" needs to go and why would his knife be "behind" his belt? -- sliced Joe's left arm, then [placed] -- (held) would work better. -- There's one too many "Joe's" in this line, but the way you wrote doesn't leave much choice. -- it against Joe's throat.
[A] -- Replace with (The) heavyset man grabbed his arm. "You can't kill him. He's our ticket out of here." He [yanked the knife from his partner's hand.] -- How did he do that if the other guy held it to Joe's throat? ["There are only three of us left.] -- You've already established that and everybody in the room knows it. -- We need him alive for insurance."
Matt's voice bellowed through the window. "What should I tell the pilot?"
The short man yelled, "We're on our way."
[Matt asked,] -- You don't need it. It's obvious Matt's asking the question. "How many passengers?"
"Seven[!]" -- not necessary, use a period.
The helicopter's engines roared [as] drop the word and start a new sentence. Matt yelled, "We're ready for take-off."
Joe noticed a light flash from a tree branch. He slowed, made sure he was within reach of Cassie, and glanced back. When he saw the man clear the porch, he pushed his body into Cassie, knocking her behind a bush and protected her body with his. At the same moment, a bullet whizzed past him and hit that man.
Before Matt could answer, Eric ran to them. "I ordered another [helicopter]. It'll land down the frontage road about a quarter mile to your left." He glanced at the [helicopter] in front of them. "It couldn't be a safe take-off."
With the sound of another [helicopter] behind them, Matt stared at Joe. "Get Cassie to safety. The hospital's expecting both of you. I'll stay here and rescue the other two girls." -- Try using "chopper" & "aircraft" to replace two uses of "helicopter."
He glanced at her. ["I can tell by the resemblance you're Cassie's mom.] -- The previous line isn't working. I doubt the doctor would say it and Cassie would've called out to Sara immediately. -- She's a lucky young lady; only a few scratches and bruises, nothing serious. I want her to spend the night for observation."
Sara rushed to Cassie and hugged her.
Joe opened the curtain between them. "Cassie, are you finished with my shirt?"
Sara noticed his bruised jaw and the stitches in both arms. "Why does Cassie have your shirt and are you all right?"
* * * *
You have too many name repeats which need fixing.
You're pushing toward the ending and it shows.
Ted
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
-
I made the suggested changes. I am not pushing toward the end. I think I am just plain wore out and it's showing in my writing. Thank you for the review.
-
Okay, take it easy :)
Comment from RebelRose
Well, we can all rest easy now that Cassie is safe. We look forward to your chapters but at the expense of your health. Plese take care so you can enjoy the Christmas holidays. Merry Christmas to you and yours.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
|
Well, we can all rest easy now that Cassie is safe. We look forward to your chapters but at the expense of your health. Plese take care so you can enjoy the Christmas holidays. Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
-
Thank you for your concern and the review.
Comment from gramalot8
Barbara, hurray for hero, Joe! Of course, he proved his heroism just at the right moment and, thankfully, Cassie is safe. Hope all works out well for the others. And, hopefully, romance will continue as well.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
|
Barbara, hurray for hero, Joe! Of course, he proved his heroism just at the right moment and, thankfully, Cassie is safe. Hope all works out well for the others. And, hopefully, romance will continue as well.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from boberto
You know what, BW. That Joe reminds me of myself. Cool
and tough--and no doubt, very handsome. How could Sara refuse him?But, you know, if you aren't you should make this a series-That's how to make some bread if you can get the first one published. So, the end to this one can't end with Joe and Sara riding off into the sunset together.
boberto
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
|
You know what, BW. That Joe reminds me of myself. Cool
and tough--and no doubt, very handsome. How could Sara refuse him?But, you know, if you aren't you should make this a series-That's how to make some bread if you can get the first one published. So, the end to this one can't end with Joe and Sara riding off into the sunset together.
boberto
Comment Written 20-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
-
I have a saga of the my Task Force men, maybe my next one will be about you. In each novel I use cameo visits of former heros. Thank you for your kind review.
-
Hey. You don't have to pay me.
-
I'll see what I can do. (LOL)
Comment from janeae
Barbara, your story is fantastic. You've drawn all of us into your wonderful imagination! I am so honored to have been here to have read this piece. Thank you so much for writing. jane
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
|
Barbara, your story is fantastic. You've drawn all of us into your wonderful imagination! I am so honored to have been here to have read this piece. Thank you so much for writing. jane
Comment Written 20-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
