A Creature Great and Small
Fable for the dreamer in all of us.13 total reviews
Comment from harleyangelbrat
This is really great. It is very inspirational and creative. I really enjoyed reading this very much. It is an excellent read. God bless you!
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2011
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This is really great. It is very inspirational and creative. I really enjoyed reading this very much. It is an excellent read. God bless you!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2011
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Thanks so very much for your lovely review and encouragements! I really appreciate your taking time to read and post. Blessings.
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You're very welcome. I hope you have a blessed New Year! Marilyn
Comment from sasil
This story is amazing. So expertly crafted, dialog, pace, setting details, characterizations and awesome message. I absolutely adored the triumph of the underdog--and the due credit raised up to God.
On a side-note: Northern/Western michigan DOES have a small cougar/mountain lion population.
Thanks for sharing this inspirational story suitable for all audiences.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2011
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This story is amazing. So expertly crafted, dialog, pace, setting details, characterizations and awesome message. I absolutely adored the triumph of the underdog--and the due credit raised up to God.
On a side-note: Northern/Western michigan DOES have a small cougar/mountain lion population.
Thanks for sharing this inspirational story suitable for all audiences.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2011
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Thank you so very much sasil. I am honored by your wonderful review and encouragement. You've touched on an interesting controversy in my area near the National Lakeshore---people are absolutely positive they've seen cougars and tracks, but the DNR here says no way.
I so appreciate your exceptional rating as does Maximus! Best regards.
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Animals adapt, climates change...we actually saw one (road-kill) on N131 as far north as Kalkaska...surprised us too, but my brother in Rockford (further south from you, I guess), had one pass through his backyard (next to a nature preserve in Rockford). DNR confirmed yes, they're here in small numbers, shy and occassionaly are exotic pets released by owners. Makes you want to take Fido with you when going for a stroll.
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If I only had one. I do some running in those back hills, a nice terrier would be great to run with but probabaly not to fend off an attack. How cool that you know about this area of Michigan! TaTa for Now...Bev
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:)
Comment from missy98writer
Mystery Writer,
your story is very well written and a joy to read. I love your title. You managed to established a setting, conflict and a resolution to your story. Your narrative is excellent with great descriptive writing and very good use of personification of a mouse. I enjoyed the ending when Pastor Horace spoke of his wife who died. Your story is an excellent entry in the contest. I wish you good luck in the contest. I also enjoyed your spiritual message. Have a blessed New Year.
Missy.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2010
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Mystery Writer,
your story is very well written and a joy to read. I love your title. You managed to established a setting, conflict and a resolution to your story. Your narrative is excellent with great descriptive writing and very good use of personification of a mouse. I enjoyed the ending when Pastor Horace spoke of his wife who died. Your story is an excellent entry in the contest. I wish you good luck in the contest. I also enjoyed your spiritual message. Have a blessed New Year.
Missy.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2010
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Thank you so much missy. I really appreciate your wonderful words and how encouraging they are! Blessings to you in the New Year.
Comment from LairDog5
All Creatures Great and Small--reminds me of James Harriett--a perfect title for this. Good pacing and sentence length variation. I thought you used great imagination, creativity and intelligence to craft your tale! You managed to keep me reading on, so bravo!
'Stopped dead in his tracks'-cliche
Maximus stealing his books or his mission to ease the mind of a broken-hearted family--I became a little confused on the what the main message really was because after he returned the books to their rightful owners everything changed for him. Deul meaning? and did you mean to? I realize I'm reaching a bit as it is hard to explain in just a few words.
I really enjoyed your story! And I especially loved the names you used. Maximus was perfect for you main character. I hope you do well in the contest!
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2010
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All Creatures Great and Small--reminds me of James Harriett--a perfect title for this. Good pacing and sentence length variation. I thought you used great imagination, creativity and intelligence to craft your tale! You managed to keep me reading on, so bravo!
'Stopped dead in his tracks'-cliche
Maximus stealing his books or his mission to ease the mind of a broken-hearted family--I became a little confused on the what the main message really was because after he returned the books to their rightful owners everything changed for him. Deul meaning? and did you mean to? I realize I'm reaching a bit as it is hard to explain in just a few words.
I really enjoyed your story! And I especially loved the names you used. Maximus was perfect for you main character. I hope you do well in the contest!
Comment Written 30-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2010
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Thanks LairDog5. It's really interesting that you made that particular notation about the confusion. I actually took the suggestions literally of another generous reviewer. Originally, I had nothing in there about the books being returned or all the changes in Maximus's personality. The reason for the change was that it would meet Christian publishing standards. I believe now that I should have gone with my original instinct for the very reason that you mention in your review. My thanks for your honesty because maybe next time I'll employ a bit more self-trust in my own ideas. I'm new and still learning and get a little star struck. I also agree with you about the line you mentioned. It felt a little off to me too. I appreciate the five stars because honestly I think you are being generous considering the confusion involved. Long reply. Thanks so much for your good wishes!
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No way. You earned the 5 stars. You know how to craft your words. We can't polish them by ourselves, however. You are an intelligent scribe. Like me you seem to appreaciate constructive critiques. It makes me feel good that my review may have helped a bit!
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Oh absolutely. Thanks again!
Comment from JRGarland
This story really touched something deep in my heart. The flow and wording were effortlessly smooth and refreshing. Not many stories had touched me in the same manner as this story did. It was indeed an awesome write!!
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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This story really touched something deep in my heart. The flow and wording were effortlessly smooth and refreshing. Not many stories had touched me in the same manner as this story did. It was indeed an awesome write!!
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Oh my goodness JR, you have certainly blessed me today with your beautiful review. You have lifted my spirits more than you know! Thank you so very much.
Comment from Jnetgame
Mystery writer- I enjoyed reading this story about Maximus the mouse. You described what happenedly clearly, but since it labeled as "Children's Fiction", I think it might be better if it were a bit shorter. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Mystery writer- I enjoyed reading this story about Maximus the mouse. You described what happenedly clearly, but since it labeled as "Children's Fiction", I think it might be better if it were a bit shorter. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thank you for taking time to review; and for your good wishes.
Comment from sizemore0409
I enjoyed very much reading this fable, told from a mouse's point of view. Humor and genuine emotion are blended and woven well into the fabric of the story. The character-depictions and interactions, the imagery, the emotion and dialogue are all skillfully-crafted and worked into the story-line, which flows quite smoothly, holding the reader's attention from beginning to end. Good job --- and good luck in the contest! Andy
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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I enjoyed very much reading this fable, told from a mouse's point of view. Humor and genuine emotion are blended and woven well into the fabric of the story. The character-depictions and interactions, the imagery, the emotion and dialogue are all skillfully-crafted and worked into the story-line, which flows quite smoothly, holding the reader's attention from beginning to end. Good job --- and good luck in the contest! Andy
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thanks for your awesome review Andy. I really appreciate you taking time out to read the story and review it so kindly. Glad you liked it; and thanks for the good wishes.
Comment from Tillom Gliss
Second review:
With all the other corrections made, I realized I missed some:
Because he was a mouse, he slept during the day and was active at night. This worked out perfectly for the young thief.
(consider "Being a mouse, he slept during the day and was active at night; this worked out perfectly for the young thief. It is okay to begin a sentence with 'because' but when possible to begin another way, it is 'better' to use the alternative. Joining these two sentences with a semi-colon flows better to connect the 'same thought' sentences.)
unto
(unto means 'to' or 'until' onto means 'to a place or position, upon')
dared from the children, Maximus came up with a daring plan
(dared and daring in the same sentence would read richer if you switched one or the other. Ex: bold or brave)
After taking as many books as he dared from the children, Maximus came up with a daring plan for finding more. He would travel down the lane adjoining the parsonage, enter the Village of Omena's main street and find his way to the Library.
(plan for finding more: --insert semi-colon--connecting the 'came up with a daring plan' to the 'what the plan was' )
unto the main floor and climbed up a post.
(unto = onto)
Maximus wished he could be a good mouse; but he just wasn't as social as the others in the nest.
(either remove the semi-colon or the 'but')
need help with the furniture business; but he shows no interest in it at all!"
(either remove the semi-colon or the 'but')
"They don't understand me and I
(no need for the quotation mark...I think you just missed taking this one out because there isn't one at the other end. )
I feel like an imposter because my faith is weak."
"You chose to call my wife, Sarah, to your side and I'm trying to accept that she's now resting safely in your arms. But my children and I feel the weight of this loss, especially little Emily who cries for her mother nearly every night."
(There should be new paragraph (NP) disconnecting these two dialogues.)
Pastor Horace continued, "I have pledged my life to your service Lord, but I am going to need heaven's help to make this Thanksgiving meaningful for my parishioners."
(There should be a NP before 'Pastor Horace' as he is now speaking again.)
If by being you mean
(because Maximus is quoting the eagle when he says, 'being', the word 'being' must then be set in quotes.)
and place in under the child Emily's pillow
(and placed (it) under )
"Mama came to me in a dream, papa.
(Papa should be capitolized here because it is being used as a name not a reference to his parentage.)
But mama said I should be a big girl
(same thing here)
"Oh, papa, don't cry. I know you think this is just my imagination. But mama said that I should show you what is beneath my pillow and that you would understand what it meant." Emily reached beneath her pillow and gently lifted the white feather hiding there. "Here papa, this is a message from mama and from God."
(and same thing in all three of these cases)
"It's time for me to return to my own family."
(because it is thought and you have shown that by italics, it is not necessary to put in quotations)
The young pastor paused to swallow a few times in an effort to maintain his composure.
(This was very effective for showing--not telling--the state of the pastor's emotions.)
"Thank you sweet prince for your great courage. My mama has returned to me; and shall never, ever leave again."
(Same thing...it is already in italics.)
I am upgrading my rating because you have already shown that you will make the appropriate changes. Good luck in the contest!
I though this was such a great story! I could easily see it published and sold at Christian bookstores. I thought the author did a great job in creating an endearing character, excellent paragraphs, and great diction. The plot was set and the climaxed reached and the ending was solid. The only problems I found were in spags. Though it looks like many, they are mostly the same error repeated. I trust you will take and change what you like and let the rest go with the wind.
steps out (,) looked all around (,)and dashed for the Gothic structure of the Library.
don't understand them," he thought. (Because you have italicized there is no need to use quotations nor to add "he thought." It is understood by the reader that it is thought because it is italicized.
reached unto the top shelf (reached onto)
he snuggled down into his blankets; and lying on his book drifted off to sleep.
(This is the error that was repeated most frequently so I will write the rule out once here and then just show the correction in the following sentences. The rule for using a semi-colon according to Strunk and White, The Elements of Editing is: If two or more clauses grammatically complete and not joined by a conjunction are to form a single compound sentence, the proper mark of punctuation is a semi-colon.
Stevenson's romances are entertaining; they are full of exciting adventures.
It is, of course, equally correct to write this as two sentences.
Stevenson's romances are entertaining. They are full of exciting adventures.
If a conjunction is inserted, the proper mark is a comma.
Stevenson's romances are entertaining, for they are full of exciting adventures.
There is a more in depth list provided in The Elements of Grammar by Margaret Shertzer. I do not have the time to type out the four pages. )
He had a patch over one eye and even a wooden leg; but this did not keep him from winning sword fights with masterful strokes of the blade.
(either remove the but or the semi-colon)
There was a light on in the children's bed chamber. The mouse was searching for food; and the children's room always had crumbs from their bedtime snacks.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
The man had his head in his hands; and he seemed to be pleading to someone for help, (either remove the and or the semi-colon)
"You chose to call my wife, Sarah, to your side; and I'm trying to accept that she's now resting safely in your arms.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
I'll bet Moustachio could make that mean god return Emily's mother to her family," he thought..
(When a character is thinking it is not necessary to write "he thought' as the italicized font informs the reader that that is so.)
He wished he could talk to another mouse about this; but he'd get into big trouble if anyone found out how close he'd gotten to a human.
(either remove the but or the semi-colon)
The seeds would be their winter food supply; and new beds could be made of burlap filled with the discarded husks.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
Maximus found himself unable to join in the festivities; and only picked at his food.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
"How did I get here from my bed?" the little mouse wondered.
(Again, if he is wondering, thinking, no need to say it.)
Out of the sky above, Maximus heard even before he saw them
(heard -it- even before)
"I'm going to die" was his thought just as he felt sharp talons close about his body.
(same thing...thought)
"I hope that whatever happens, it happens quickly" was the only thought he could form in his numb brain.
(same thing..)
The bird of prey's movements shifted upwards; and Maximus squeezed his eyes shut against the horror he imagined was waiting for him.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
Suddenly, the bird loosed its hold on him and Maximus went tumbling through the air He landed on something soggy, but firm.
(no period after 'air'.)
"I have been charged by a being of great love and beauty to grant your secret wish to be a hero; that is if you are up to the challenge."
(here. That is, a comma after that is)
Maximus could hardly take in what he heard. "If by being you mean someone
(If by "being" should be in quotes.)
humans refer to as god, I don't believe this being has any love in its heart.;
(you have a . and a semi-colon here when neither are necessary as you have the conjunction "and")
and anyway what can a mouse do that a creature of your size can't?" When there was no reply forthcoming the mouse grew agitated.
Suddenly the air around him was filled with small dancing lights; and between his teeth a long white tail feather had materialized.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
He could hear Emily talking with her father; and she sounded excited.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
He was so huge; and I was afraid of him.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
Maximus could see his face; and there were tears on his cheeks.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
"It's time for me to return to my own family," he thought and was surprised by the affection he felt for them.
(saying he thought not necessary)
Several days had gone by; and life had returned to mostly normal for Maximus until he became aware of the angry rumblings among his relatives.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
She wore a red satin dress; and looked as beautiful as any princess in a book.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon) (I loved this particular image!)
God reached our through a child
(out not our)
my child Emily," and he turned then to look at her tenderly.
directly at him; and in his mind he could hear her words,
I would be happy to come back and up my rating if you choose to make changes.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2010
|
Second review:
With all the other corrections made, I realized I missed some:
Because he was a mouse, he slept during the day and was active at night. This worked out perfectly for the young thief.
(consider "Being a mouse, he slept during the day and was active at night; this worked out perfectly for the young thief. It is okay to begin a sentence with 'because' but when possible to begin another way, it is 'better' to use the alternative. Joining these two sentences with a semi-colon flows better to connect the 'same thought' sentences.)
unto
(unto means 'to' or 'until' onto means 'to a place or position, upon')
dared from the children, Maximus came up with a daring plan
(dared and daring in the same sentence would read richer if you switched one or the other. Ex: bold or brave)
After taking as many books as he dared from the children, Maximus came up with a daring plan for finding more. He would travel down the lane adjoining the parsonage, enter the Village of Omena's main street and find his way to the Library.
(plan for finding more: --insert semi-colon--connecting the 'came up with a daring plan' to the 'what the plan was' )
unto the main floor and climbed up a post.
(unto = onto)
Maximus wished he could be a good mouse; but he just wasn't as social as the others in the nest.
(either remove the semi-colon or the 'but')
need help with the furniture business; but he shows no interest in it at all!"
(either remove the semi-colon or the 'but')
"They don't understand me and I
(no need for the quotation mark...I think you just missed taking this one out because there isn't one at the other end. )
I feel like an imposter because my faith is weak."
"You chose to call my wife, Sarah, to your side and I'm trying to accept that she's now resting safely in your arms. But my children and I feel the weight of this loss, especially little Emily who cries for her mother nearly every night."
(There should be new paragraph (NP) disconnecting these two dialogues.)
Pastor Horace continued, "I have pledged my life to your service Lord, but I am going to need heaven's help to make this Thanksgiving meaningful for my parishioners."
(There should be a NP before 'Pastor Horace' as he is now speaking again.)
If by being you mean
(because Maximus is quoting the eagle when he says, 'being', the word 'being' must then be set in quotes.)
and place in under the child Emily's pillow
(and placed (it) under )
"Mama came to me in a dream, papa.
(Papa should be capitolized here because it is being used as a name not a reference to his parentage.)
But mama said I should be a big girl
(same thing here)
"Oh, papa, don't cry. I know you think this is just my imagination. But mama said that I should show you what is beneath my pillow and that you would understand what it meant." Emily reached beneath her pillow and gently lifted the white feather hiding there. "Here papa, this is a message from mama and from God."
(and same thing in all three of these cases)
"It's time for me to return to my own family."
(because it is thought and you have shown that by italics, it is not necessary to put in quotations)
The young pastor paused to swallow a few times in an effort to maintain his composure.
(This was very effective for showing--not telling--the state of the pastor's emotions.)
"Thank you sweet prince for your great courage. My mama has returned to me; and shall never, ever leave again."
(Same thing...it is already in italics.)
I am upgrading my rating because you have already shown that you will make the appropriate changes. Good luck in the contest!
I though this was such a great story! I could easily see it published and sold at Christian bookstores. I thought the author did a great job in creating an endearing character, excellent paragraphs, and great diction. The plot was set and the climaxed reached and the ending was solid. The only problems I found were in spags. Though it looks like many, they are mostly the same error repeated. I trust you will take and change what you like and let the rest go with the wind.
steps out (,) looked all around (,)and dashed for the Gothic structure of the Library.
don't understand them," he thought. (Because you have italicized there is no need to use quotations nor to add "he thought." It is understood by the reader that it is thought because it is italicized.
reached unto the top shelf (reached onto)
he snuggled down into his blankets; and lying on his book drifted off to sleep.
(This is the error that was repeated most frequently so I will write the rule out once here and then just show the correction in the following sentences. The rule for using a semi-colon according to Strunk and White, The Elements of Editing is: If two or more clauses grammatically complete and not joined by a conjunction are to form a single compound sentence, the proper mark of punctuation is a semi-colon.
Stevenson's romances are entertaining; they are full of exciting adventures.
It is, of course, equally correct to write this as two sentences.
Stevenson's romances are entertaining. They are full of exciting adventures.
If a conjunction is inserted, the proper mark is a comma.
Stevenson's romances are entertaining, for they are full of exciting adventures.
There is a more in depth list provided in The Elements of Grammar by Margaret Shertzer. I do not have the time to type out the four pages. )
He had a patch over one eye and even a wooden leg; but this did not keep him from winning sword fights with masterful strokes of the blade.
(either remove the but or the semi-colon)
There was a light on in the children's bed chamber. The mouse was searching for food; and the children's room always had crumbs from their bedtime snacks.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
The man had his head in his hands; and he seemed to be pleading to someone for help, (either remove the and or the semi-colon)
"You chose to call my wife, Sarah, to your side; and I'm trying to accept that she's now resting safely in your arms.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
I'll bet Moustachio could make that mean god return Emily's mother to her family," he thought..
(When a character is thinking it is not necessary to write "he thought' as the italicized font informs the reader that that is so.)
He wished he could talk to another mouse about this; but he'd get into big trouble if anyone found out how close he'd gotten to a human.
(either remove the but or the semi-colon)
The seeds would be their winter food supply; and new beds could be made of burlap filled with the discarded husks.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
Maximus found himself unable to join in the festivities; and only picked at his food.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
"How did I get here from my bed?" the little mouse wondered.
(Again, if he is wondering, thinking, no need to say it.)
Out of the sky above, Maximus heard even before he saw them
(heard -it- even before)
"I'm going to die" was his thought just as he felt sharp talons close about his body.
(same thing...thought)
"I hope that whatever happens, it happens quickly" was the only thought he could form in his numb brain.
(same thing..)
The bird of prey's movements shifted upwards; and Maximus squeezed his eyes shut against the horror he imagined was waiting for him.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
Suddenly, the bird loosed its hold on him and Maximus went tumbling through the air He landed on something soggy, but firm.
(no period after 'air'.)
"I have been charged by a being of great love and beauty to grant your secret wish to be a hero; that is if you are up to the challenge."
(here. That is, a comma after that is)
Maximus could hardly take in what he heard. "If by being you mean someone
(If by "being" should be in quotes.)
humans refer to as god, I don't believe this being has any love in its heart.;
(you have a . and a semi-colon here when neither are necessary as you have the conjunction "and")
and anyway what can a mouse do that a creature of your size can't?" When there was no reply forthcoming the mouse grew agitated.
Suddenly the air around him was filled with small dancing lights; and between his teeth a long white tail feather had materialized.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
He could hear Emily talking with her father; and she sounded excited.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
He was so huge; and I was afraid of him.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
Maximus could see his face; and there were tears on his cheeks.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
"It's time for me to return to my own family," he thought and was surprised by the affection he felt for them.
(saying he thought not necessary)
Several days had gone by; and life had returned to mostly normal for Maximus until he became aware of the angry rumblings among his relatives.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon)
She wore a red satin dress; and looked as beautiful as any princess in a book.
(either remove the and or the semi-colon) (I loved this particular image!)
God reached our through a child
(out not our)
my child Emily," and he turned then to look at her tenderly.
directly at him; and in his mind he could hear her words,
I would be happy to come back and up my rating if you choose to make changes.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2010
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Thank you so much Tillom!!! I really need a class or something on this because I am following the rules of writing as I remember them from the 1950's. Either I'm not remembering them right or they've change. I'm going to go right in and make all the changes you've pointed out. I very much appreciate your encouragement for my story. Bless you!
Comment from The Stranger
happy christmas my friend, lovely to see you once more sharing your thoughtfully constructed work once more, heres to a great 2011 for everybody here on fanstory
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2010
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happy christmas my friend, lovely to see you once more sharing your thoughtfully constructed work once more, heres to a great 2011 for everybody here on fanstory
Comment Written 26-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2010
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Thanks so much!!
Comment from Gungalo
Wow!!! What a write and so much to read about. It is very imaginative and full of compassion too. I enjoyed it. Think if you are to do anything with it for children, you should shorten the paragraphs.
Ahh it's looking much better now!!!
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2010
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Wow!!! What a write and so much to read about. It is very imaginative and full of compassion too. I enjoyed it. Think if you are to do anything with it for children, you should shorten the paragraphs.
Ahh it's looking much better now!!!
Comment Written 23-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2010
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Thanks much Gungalo. I appreciate you taking time out to read the story and for your good suggestions. Definitely the story could be trimmed if I decided to take it further. Best, Bev
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Not so much a trimming as more manageable paragraphs. If they are too long no one likes to read them, a child even less so.
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Okay got yah. Did you find it overly wordy as another reviewer suggested? I've been accused of that before.
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Well not really, after all it is a story and not poetry. If you get the graphs down smaller you will see a difference in the way it reads and then those words will not seem so overwhelming.
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Thanks a lot. That really helps your comments gel. Appreciate you
bearing with me on this!
