Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Chapter 12; part two"Can love survive small town gossip?
77 total reviews
Comment from felioness
I was totally captivated by your excerpt. I would love to read more! The characters are real and believable and the dialogue natural. I found a couple of areas that could use some editing for example:
This line reads poorly
The three girls were dressed alike, a tiny blue blouse tied shut by a single knot under the breasts and white shorts that sat well below their navels and didn't cover enough rear end.
consider:
The three girls were dressed alike in tiny blue blouses tied with a single knot beneath their breasts and white shorts that sat well below their navels exposing too much rear end.
sentence structure needs fixing here:
Two men yanked Joe off the floor and threw him onto a white sheet covered king size waterbed.
consider:
Two men yanked Joe off the floor and threw him onto king sized waterbed covered with a white sheet.
again sentence structure could use revising. For example in the following sentence you say "like I told you" but it is without a previous reference:
The man turned from the window and faced Joe. "It looks like our helicopter has landed, but in the front, not in the back like I told you." He again, looked out the window, then walked to Joe and grabbed the front of his shirt. "This is probably better anyway. Call off the snipers and tell everyone to get behind the frontage road."
consider:
The man turned from the window and faced Joe. "It looks like our helicopter has landed, but in the front, not in the back as I requested." Again he looked out the window, then walked back to Joe grabbing the front of his shirt. "This is probably better anyway. Call off the snipers and tell everyone to get behind the road frontage." (or front of the road...I am not even sure what you meant but frontage was used in the wrong contest in your paragraph)
bring you words into the here and now as much as possible...doing so brings your words to life
When Joe glared at him, he grabbed the taller of the girls and threw her beside Joe. With a knife against her throat, he yelled, "If I don't hear you order the men to back away, I'll kill her. Her blood will be on your hands."
clumsy:
George rubbed the back of his neck. "Matt, Joe, and two other men entered the house. While inside Joe was captured. Matt's almost positive Cassie's one of the three girls inside. All three girls are alive and unhurt."
consider:
George rubbed the back of his neck. "Matt, Joe, and two other men entered the house. While inside Joe was captured. Matt's almost positive one of the three girls inside is Cassie. All three are alive and unhurt."
Great story...just loved it!
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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I was totally captivated by your excerpt. I would love to read more! The characters are real and believable and the dialogue natural. I found a couple of areas that could use some editing for example:
This line reads poorly
The three girls were dressed alike, a tiny blue blouse tied shut by a single knot under the breasts and white shorts that sat well below their navels and didn't cover enough rear end.
consider:
The three girls were dressed alike in tiny blue blouses tied with a single knot beneath their breasts and white shorts that sat well below their navels exposing too much rear end.
sentence structure needs fixing here:
Two men yanked Joe off the floor and threw him onto a white sheet covered king size waterbed.
consider:
Two men yanked Joe off the floor and threw him onto king sized waterbed covered with a white sheet.
again sentence structure could use revising. For example in the following sentence you say "like I told you" but it is without a previous reference:
The man turned from the window and faced Joe. "It looks like our helicopter has landed, but in the front, not in the back like I told you." He again, looked out the window, then walked to Joe and grabbed the front of his shirt. "This is probably better anyway. Call off the snipers and tell everyone to get behind the frontage road."
consider:
The man turned from the window and faced Joe. "It looks like our helicopter has landed, but in the front, not in the back as I requested." Again he looked out the window, then walked back to Joe grabbing the front of his shirt. "This is probably better anyway. Call off the snipers and tell everyone to get behind the road frontage." (or front of the road...I am not even sure what you meant but frontage was used in the wrong contest in your paragraph)
bring you words into the here and now as much as possible...doing so brings your words to life
When Joe glared at him, he grabbed the taller of the girls and threw her beside Joe. With a knife against her throat, he yelled, "If I don't hear you order the men to back away, I'll kill her. Her blood will be on your hands."
clumsy:
George rubbed the back of his neck. "Matt, Joe, and two other men entered the house. While inside Joe was captured. Matt's almost positive Cassie's one of the three girls inside. All three girls are alive and unhurt."
consider:
George rubbed the back of his neck. "Matt, Joe, and two other men entered the house. While inside Joe was captured. Matt's almost positive one of the three girls inside is Cassie. All three are alive and unhurt."
Great story...just loved it!
Comment Written 12-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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I made a hard copy of your suggestions so I don't miss anything. I am off to make corrections.
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I also wanted to let you know that in TX we have frontage roads all over the place.
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ok! so what exactly is a frontage road?
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It's a road the runs along side the main road. It usually is only one direction with the opposite direction on the other side of the main road. I am sure that is as clear as mud.
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lol I think I got it ...up here we call them service roads!
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Not a problem.
Comment from Connie P
I'm a nervous wreck over this whole thing. I think they'll get out but what has Cassie been subjected to while she's been held captive. I'm running scenarios to try and figure out what will happen. Oh well, I'll have to wait.
Love,
Connie
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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I'm a nervous wreck over this whole thing. I think they'll get out but what has Cassie been subjected to while she's been held captive. I'm running scenarios to try and figure out what will happen. Oh well, I'll have to wait.
Love,
Connie
Comment Written 12-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dportwood
barbara.wilkey,
Again high quality writing. This ordeal must be terrible for the girls. At least the odds have diminished slightly. I'm rooting for Joe. Keep writing.
Duane
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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barbara.wilkey,
Again high quality writing. This ordeal must be terrible for the girls. At least the odds have diminished slightly. I'm rooting for Joe. Keep writing.
Duane
Comment Written 12-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from markk
Very well done. This is a great story which I am thoroughly enjoying. Great intensity at this scene and very well written. thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Very well done. This is a great story which I am thoroughly enjoying. Great intensity at this scene and very well written. thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dmjones
I wanted this chapter to continue also. It seemed so short. The emotions in this chapter are really well done. You know the girls are scared and Joe is too. Well done.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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I wanted this chapter to continue also. It seemed so short. The emotions in this chapter are really well done. You know the girls are scared and Joe is too. Well done.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from Magic Wand
The drama continues with a lot of suspense, and the visuals are still great. Your graphic is worthy of your story. good luck on your meds. Will continue to follow. Didn't notice any typos.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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The drama continues with a lot of suspense, and the visuals are still great. Your graphic is worthy of your story. good luck on your meds. Will continue to follow. Didn't notice any typos.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
hey, barbara, this is another great chapter for your book, things are getting very interesting and i'm sure you have more surprises in store for us. i look forward to your next chapter. i pray you are finding strength.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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hey, barbara, this is another great chapter for your book, things are getting very interesting and i'm sure you have more surprises in store for us. i look forward to your next chapter. i pray you are finding strength.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Realist101
Hi Barbara...how awful. And this does happen. What's wrong with people...I always admire your great dialogue. And this story has the very hard to acomplish, "dual" or parallel lines going. I think you would be a master at flash fiction Barb. Write me a flash someday? I am just not getting it. ") I am thinking of you, I hope you are doing better. LOVE, Susan
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Hi Barbara...how awful. And this does happen. What's wrong with people...I always admire your great dialogue. And this story has the very hard to acomplish, "dual" or parallel lines going. I think you would be a master at flash fiction Barb. Write me a flash someday? I am just not getting it. ") I am thinking of you, I hope you are doing better. LOVE, Susan
Comment Written 12-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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I am usually very wordy so flash fiction and I may not get along. Thank you for your kind review.
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Well, me too, but you have the knack for the "crisp" style needed! ") You would do well! ") S.
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Thank you. I may try it over Christmas break.
Comment from jadapenn
Now this was a very interactive and exciting chapter. I loved all the conflict and action with Joe and the kidnappers. You had some real tense moments there. Well done. luv jada
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Now this was a very interactive and exciting chapter. I loved all the conflict and action with Joe and the kidnappers. You had some real tense moments there. Well done. luv jada
Comment Written 12-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Thank you girlfriend, I appreciate your support.
Comment from JRGarland
This is a spell bounding story with lots of tension throughout. It really kept me on the edge of my seat waiting for the outcome and wondering what will happen next.I would definitely encourage people to get a copy for themselves.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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This is a spell bounding story with lots of tension throughout. It really kept me on the edge of my seat waiting for the outcome and wondering what will happen next.I would definitely encourage people to get a copy for themselves.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
