Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Chapter 12; part two"Can love survive small town gossip?
77 total reviews
Comment from marcii
I thought this was rather good just a couple of things I thought might need changing, off course this is my opinion only. I thought you should have just mentioned all the three girls at once like you did though no till after you had sid more or less the same thing about seeing Cassie, for he would have seen them all at once. It just seems to me it is just about repeating yourself.
The other thing is Cassie talking, wouldn't that be difficult while she is gagged and if possible perhaps you could mention how hard it was to talk through the gag.
All in all a good chapter
Marcii
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2011
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I thought this was rather good just a couple of things I thought might need changing, off course this is my opinion only. I thought you should have just mentioned all the three girls at once like you did though no till after you had sid more or less the same thing about seeing Cassie, for he would have seen them all at once. It just seems to me it is just about repeating yourself.
The other thing is Cassie talking, wouldn't that be difficult while she is gagged and if possible perhaps you could mention how hard it was to talk through the gag.
All in all a good chapter
Marcii
Comment Written 03-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2011
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I will take another look at this chapter. Thank you for your review.
Comment from animatqua
I don't think I could be painting when I knew people I loved were in danger. You are putting together a good picture of what's going on. I see that Sara is far from calm, but I don't know how she can keep herself focused on anything but the drama she can't see.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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I don't think I could be painting when I knew people I loved were in danger. You are putting together a good picture of what's going on. I see that Sara is far from calm, but I don't know how she can keep herself focused on anything but the drama she can't see.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind reviw.
Comment from essence56
Oh this is so good. I just love this writer and her strength. I truly hope to one day have the ability of creation and realness. Truly have the gift keeping the attention of your readers. Wonderful
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
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Oh this is so good. I just love this writer and her strength. I truly hope to one day have the ability of creation and realness. Truly have the gift keeping the attention of your readers. Wonderful
Comment Written 17-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Carolyn Hilliard
My only complaint is I wish it had been longer so I'd know what was happening to Joe, Cassie and the girls. I would buy this book. I hope you publish
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
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My only complaint is I wish it had been longer so I'd know what was happening to Joe, Cassie and the girls. I would buy this book. I hope you publish
Comment Written 16-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from sweetsilversong
A great chapter.
One I really enjoyed.
Intriguing story line and one that interested me immensely.
Thanks for sharing.
Best wishes.
SSS
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
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A great chapter.
One I really enjoyed.
Intriguing story line and one that interested me immensely.
Thanks for sharing.
Best wishes.
SSS
Comment Written 16-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Michelle S
A great chapter. It is full of emotion and moved the story along well. I can't wait to see how things work out.
I admire your strong spirit. I know how tiring chemo can be (my Mother just finished hers). God Bless.
Michelle
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
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A great chapter. It is full of emotion and moved the story along well. I can't wait to see how things work out.
I admire your strong spirit. I know how tiring chemo can be (my Mother just finished hers). God Bless.
Michelle
Comment Written 16-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
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I am sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. It seems I was exhausted and the dr sent me to bed for a few days. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
I missed a chapter while polishing my book for the publisher. It's now in their hands.
This chapter is a good one, but has a few flaws. They're the same kind of things I pulled out of my manuscript to make it better.
* * * *
["It looks like our helicopter has landed, but in the front, not in the back as I requested."] -- Did the chopper land or didn't it? -- Take out (It looks like) -- [Again, he looked out the window] -- Change to (He looked out the window again) -- , then walked to Joe [grabbing] -- make it (and grabbed) -- the front of his shirt. ["This is probably better anyway.] -- The line is too casual -- cut it and start with the direct order -- Call off the snipers and tell everyone to get behind the frontage road."
"Is Joe hurt?" She held her breath, [waiting for the answer.] -- Of course she's waiting for the answer -- Cut it. -- you're repeating (Joe) too much.
["Matt doesn't think Joe's injured."
"I'll make a deal with you. If Joe and Cassie aren't released by the time we've finished painting and cleaning-up, I'll take you there. Deal?"] -- This is way too casual for the situation] -- The painting thing doesn't work here. Sara would be frantic. Her daughter and lover are being held at gunpoint and she's painting a wall? Earlier it worked because she wasn't sure of anything, now possible killing is a reality.
All of the scene below reads like it's in another story. There's too much at stake for these two characters to be having such a casual conversation. It doesn't ring true. It also has a hint of "flirting" which seems off key.
[As] -- Drop "as" -- George studied a picture he'd removed from the hallway wall, he smiled. "Cassie and you look so much alike. Does the resemblance continue or does it stop at the looks?"
"If you ask Joe, he thinks we act alike. He said something about us having him wrapped around our little finger." She laughed and took the photo from George. "I don't think we look alike. Cassie's a very pretty girl."
"Her mother's a very pretty woman."
* * * *
Like I said, there were similar problems with "Deathmaker" that had to be revised before the ms went to the editor. She's going to find more "nits" that will have to be fixed before the book goes to the printer. It's all part of the process.
Ted
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
I missed a chapter while polishing my book for the publisher. It's now in their hands.
This chapter is a good one, but has a few flaws. They're the same kind of things I pulled out of my manuscript to make it better.
* * * *
["It looks like our helicopter has landed, but in the front, not in the back as I requested."] -- Did the chopper land or didn't it? -- Take out (It looks like) -- [Again, he looked out the window] -- Change to (He looked out the window again) -- , then walked to Joe [grabbing] -- make it (and grabbed) -- the front of his shirt. ["This is probably better anyway.] -- The line is too casual -- cut it and start with the direct order -- Call off the snipers and tell everyone to get behind the frontage road."
"Is Joe hurt?" She held her breath, [waiting for the answer.] -- Of course she's waiting for the answer -- Cut it. -- you're repeating (Joe) too much.
["Matt doesn't think Joe's injured."
"I'll make a deal with you. If Joe and Cassie aren't released by the time we've finished painting and cleaning-up, I'll take you there. Deal?"] -- This is way too casual for the situation] -- The painting thing doesn't work here. Sara would be frantic. Her daughter and lover are being held at gunpoint and she's painting a wall? Earlier it worked because she wasn't sure of anything, now possible killing is a reality.
All of the scene below reads like it's in another story. There's too much at stake for these two characters to be having such a casual conversation. It doesn't ring true. It also has a hint of "flirting" which seems off key.
[As] -- Drop "as" -- George studied a picture he'd removed from the hallway wall, he smiled. "Cassie and you look so much alike. Does the resemblance continue or does it stop at the looks?"
"If you ask Joe, he thinks we act alike. He said something about us having him wrapped around our little finger." She laughed and took the photo from George. "I don't think we look alike. Cassie's a very pretty girl."
"Her mother's a very pretty woman."
* * * *
Like I said, there were similar problems with "Deathmaker" that had to be revised before the ms went to the editor. She's going to find more "nits" that will have to be fixed before the book goes to the printer. It's all part of the process.
Ted
Comment Written 15-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2010
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I made the changes and am considering a rewrite for the others. Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I ended up on bed rest for a few days. I am happy to hear "Deathmaker" is progressing nicely.
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Sounds good, I'll take a look at your new post.
Comment from boberto
Hi there, BW:
I thought I would drop back in, and see how Joe and Matt
were making out. Looks as though Joe better hope ther is a rat out there on the porch to chew off the binding around his wrists---worked in Poe's "Pendulum and the Pit."
Enjoyed this--no suggestions. good luck with your tretments and have a great holiday season.
Also, retired GI,
boberto
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
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Hi there, BW:
I thought I would drop back in, and see how Joe and Matt
were making out. Looks as though Joe better hope ther is a rat out there on the porch to chew off the binding around his wrists---worked in Poe's "Pendulum and the Pit."
Enjoyed this--no suggestions. good luck with your tretments and have a great holiday season.
Also, retired GI,
boberto
Comment Written 15-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2010
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We shall see how Joe gets out of the bind. I am sure he has something up his sleeve. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Nicnac
Wow - this is so fast paced and I can't wait to read the rest. I love the action and the feeling of desperation you've captured here.
Well done, Barbara!
How are you feeling? I know I haven't been on FS - but please know I think about you often and I'm praying for you.
Big hugs
Nic
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2010
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Wow - this is so fast paced and I can't wait to read the rest. I love the action and the feeling of desperation you've captured here.
Well done, Barbara!
How are you feeling? I know I haven't been on FS - but please know I think about you often and I'm praying for you.
Big hugs
Nic
Comment Written 15-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2010
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Do I know you? I vaguely remember somebody who resembles the name Nic, but I'm not sure. LOL Thank you for your kind review.
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hee hee
Comment from KayteeF
Wonderful word Barbara.
Here you pump up the pace and the anxiety levels so that we are anxiously awaiting to hear what Joe is going to do to get out of this predicament.
Continued pressure heightens the anticipation.
Well done.
P.S. I hope you have time to recuperate and build yourself up before the next treatment.
Will the schools be out/ on winter break/ meaning you can have a wee rest during the next set of treatments?
All the best, Cathleen
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2010
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Wonderful word Barbara.
Here you pump up the pace and the anxiety levels so that we are anxiously awaiting to hear what Joe is going to do to get out of this predicament.
Continued pressure heightens the anticipation.
Well done.
P.S. I hope you have time to recuperate and build yourself up before the next treatment.
Will the schools be out/ on winter break/ meaning you can have a wee rest during the next set of treatments?
All the best, Cathleen
Comment Written 15-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2010
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I have a two week winter break. I am looking forward to it. I am wore out. Thank you for your kind review.
