Simba's Dilemma
Simba gets some bad news104 total reviews
Comment from Connie P
This is a delightful story. You've done a great job of expressing the cats' feelings. The story lapses into telling rather than showing, the passive voice in several instances.
The examples below are just suggestions, but they give the story a stronger dynamic. These can be corrected in your own words, but the "had been, have been, etc. need to go):
Passive voice: From the back of the couch, one of his usual perches, he could see the entire room, keep an eye on the front door, and he was up high enough to catch a glimpse of Leo and Mufasa if they tried to sneak up on him.
(From one of his usual perches, the back of the couch, he could see the entire room, keep an eye on the front door, and was up high enough to catch a glimpse of Leo and Mufasa if they tried to sneak up on him.)
Passive voice: Simba wasn't entirely sure why he and Leo had been sentenced to spend time here, but he was reasonably sure **that(unnecessary conjunction) it was only a matter of time until he and Leo went back to their own home.
(Simba was reasonably sure it was only a matter of time until he and Leo went back home. He and Leo were sentenced to spend time here, and he wasn't entirely sure why.)
Passive voice: Earlier in his life, about four or five human years ago, Simba had been brought to a veterinarian's office and left.
(Earlier in his life, about four or five human years ago, Simba was left in a veterinarian's office)
Passive voice: He was fed twice a day, brushed at least once a week, and all he had to do was entertain his humans by "talking," and pawing at them so they would pet his head, or scratch his belly.
(They fed him twice a day, brushed him at least once a week, and all he had to do was entertain his humans by "talking" and pawning at them so they would pet his head, or scratch his belly.)
Passive voice: In his other life, he had been called, "Sable," because his fur was pretty special.
("Sable" is what they called him in his other life, because his fur was pretty special.)
Passive voice: His head, and face, that looked so lioness, had been the reason the mistress changed his name to Simba, and he liked it
(His mistress changed his name to Simba, because his head and face looked like a lioness and he liked it.)
Passive voice: When Leo was added to the family a few years back, it just made sense to give him the name of a lion, too.
(A few years back, when Leo became a part of the family and it just made sense to give him a lion's name too.)
Passive voice: Though his hearing was beginning to be affected by nine years of not hunting or living outside, he still could hear the approach of what he liked to think of as his "temporary" humans.
(He could still hear the approach of what he liked to think of as his "temporary" humans, even though nine years of not hunting or living outside had affected his hearing.)
I'm assuming the puppy is your soon to be new arrival that you wrote of recently.
Good job!!!
Connie
(Your re-writes worked very well. The only other thing you might want to look at are your use of commas with the word and, sometimes it gets into the area of comma splice. If you are joining two thoughts with and - normally there is no comma, if three or more a comma before the 'and' is needed.
Also:He was in a lot of pain, and it hurt to walk, play, or pretty much anything else,(no comma here) . . . and well, sometimes he did bad things, because he couldn't make it to the litter box.
I'm uprating and off to do my housework. Have a great day!!!
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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This is a delightful story. You've done a great job of expressing the cats' feelings. The story lapses into telling rather than showing, the passive voice in several instances.
The examples below are just suggestions, but they give the story a stronger dynamic. These can be corrected in your own words, but the "had been, have been, etc. need to go):
Passive voice: From the back of the couch, one of his usual perches, he could see the entire room, keep an eye on the front door, and he was up high enough to catch a glimpse of Leo and Mufasa if they tried to sneak up on him.
(From one of his usual perches, the back of the couch, he could see the entire room, keep an eye on the front door, and was up high enough to catch a glimpse of Leo and Mufasa if they tried to sneak up on him.)
Passive voice: Simba wasn't entirely sure why he and Leo had been sentenced to spend time here, but he was reasonably sure **that(unnecessary conjunction) it was only a matter of time until he and Leo went back to their own home.
(Simba was reasonably sure it was only a matter of time until he and Leo went back home. He and Leo were sentenced to spend time here, and he wasn't entirely sure why.)
Passive voice: Earlier in his life, about four or five human years ago, Simba had been brought to a veterinarian's office and left.
(Earlier in his life, about four or five human years ago, Simba was left in a veterinarian's office)
Passive voice: He was fed twice a day, brushed at least once a week, and all he had to do was entertain his humans by "talking," and pawing at them so they would pet his head, or scratch his belly.
(They fed him twice a day, brushed him at least once a week, and all he had to do was entertain his humans by "talking" and pawning at them so they would pet his head, or scratch his belly.)
Passive voice: In his other life, he had been called, "Sable," because his fur was pretty special.
("Sable" is what they called him in his other life, because his fur was pretty special.)
Passive voice: His head, and face, that looked so lioness, had been the reason the mistress changed his name to Simba, and he liked it
(His mistress changed his name to Simba, because his head and face looked like a lioness and he liked it.)
Passive voice: When Leo was added to the family a few years back, it just made sense to give him the name of a lion, too.
(A few years back, when Leo became a part of the family and it just made sense to give him a lion's name too.)
Passive voice: Though his hearing was beginning to be affected by nine years of not hunting or living outside, he still could hear the approach of what he liked to think of as his "temporary" humans.
(He could still hear the approach of what he liked to think of as his "temporary" humans, even though nine years of not hunting or living outside had affected his hearing.)
I'm assuming the puppy is your soon to be new arrival that you wrote of recently.
Good job!!!
Connie
(Your re-writes worked very well. The only other thing you might want to look at are your use of commas with the word and, sometimes it gets into the area of comma splice. If you are joining two thoughts with and - normally there is no comma, if three or more a comma before the 'and' is needed.
Also:He was in a lot of pain, and it hurt to walk, play, or pretty much anything else,(no comma here) . . . and well, sometimes he did bad things, because he couldn't make it to the litter box.
I'm uprating and off to do my housework. Have a great day!!!
Comment Written 03-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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Connie; I'm bowled over by how much help you and some of the others are willing to give me. I agree with everything you say, and I will go back and remove the passive sentences. Your suggestions are great. THANK YOU so much! ~patty`
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You're so welcome. It's a wonderful story. If you'd like me to uprate it, I'll be glad to when you make the edits.
:)
Connie
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Connie, I've reworked the lines, and I am doing one more pass-through to make sure when I read it aloud, it all still makes sense; I would greatly appreciate it, if you could uprate - if it meets with your approval. Thank you, ~patty~
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Thank you for the uprate, and I will continue to work on my over-use of commas! Your help has been wonderful. Thank you!
Comment from RebelRose
This is a really interesting story. Very cute. I sometimes wonder just how animals think and how much of "our language" they really understand. I'd like to know how they really feel about sharing the love and the house with other pets.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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This is a really interesting story. Very cute. I sometimes wonder just how animals think and how much of "our language" they really understand. I'd like to know how they really feel about sharing the love and the house with other pets.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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Thank you SO much for reading and the generous review. I love writing from an animal's point of view. As a child, I was hooked on Albert Payson Terhune's dog stories about his pure bred collies, Lad and Wolf. As an adult, I couldn't get enough of James Herriott, and were it not for the whole yucky blood-thing, I would probably be a veterinarian! Thanks again, ~patty~
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You're welcome! (From one Patty to another).
Patty aka Rebel Rose
Comment from Paula Andrea Pyle
Simba. What an incredibly gorgeous name! Names play such a significant part in our stories, poems, songs but more importantly in our lives. He is truly a 'shining light'.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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Simba. What an incredibly gorgeous name! Names play such a significant part in our stories, poems, songs but more importantly in our lives. He is truly a 'shining light'.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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Thank you for reading and the generous review. Simba is a very special cat - He makes me laugh, and he is SO fun to write about! When I'm at home and I write about him, he continually gives me dirty looks, because he knows I'm 'talking' about him! Thank you for seeing his beauty. ~patty~
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Simba's thought processes are well written, which makes for an interesting read. It will be really interesting to see how he gets on with the new arrival!
If I have a problem with the piece it is in the use of 'eliminate himself.' I know that you mean that he had trouble going to the toilet - but 'eliminate' would indicate in a strict sense that he wanted to 'do away with himself.' I can't think of an alternative word off-hand but do feel this does need an alternative.
I make this suggestion only in the interests of being helpful, as otherwise the piece is excellent, and an enjoyable read.
Juliette
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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Simba's thought processes are well written, which makes for an interesting read. It will be really interesting to see how he gets on with the new arrival!
If I have a problem with the piece it is in the use of 'eliminate himself.' I know that you mean that he had trouble going to the toilet - but 'eliminate' would indicate in a strict sense that he wanted to 'do away with himself.' I can't think of an alternative word off-hand but do feel this does need an alternative.
I make this suggestion only in the interests of being helpful, as otherwise the piece is excellent, and an enjoyable read.
Juliette
Comment Written 03-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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Thank you for reading and the generous review. I agree with you about 'eliminate himself.' I have looked at that sentence over and over, and I'm stumped. I wish I had some of my books with me in Germany. I read a lot of Albert Payson Terhune and of course, James Herriot. I'm not sure that either of them even used any sort of phrasing about that problem. I may have to rework the paragraph and eliminate that sentence. Thank you for your honest and helpful feedback. ~patty~
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I think maybe a good alternative word would be 'evacuate.'
Juliette
Comment from starkat
You do a wonderful job of bringing the reader into Simba's world to explore his dilemma. Simba's thoughts and feelings are quite human, so we can understand what he's going through. Actually, I think Simba will come to enjoy the puppy after he educates the puppy a bit. We've always had cats and dogs that got along quite well together, after they learned each other's limitations.
Simba is a loveable, wise and older cat who enjoys love and attention from his favorite humans. He has a pretty good memory and sizes up situations fairly well.
Enjoyed your story. I'm sure you'll be writing more about Simba and his interactions with the new puppy. The puppy may be a bit too playful for Simba's liking at the start.
Well done ... :) starkat
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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You do a wonderful job of bringing the reader into Simba's world to explore his dilemma. Simba's thoughts and feelings are quite human, so we can understand what he's going through. Actually, I think Simba will come to enjoy the puppy after he educates the puppy a bit. We've always had cats and dogs that got along quite well together, after they learned each other's limitations.
Simba is a loveable, wise and older cat who enjoys love and attention from his favorite humans. He has a pretty good memory and sizes up situations fairly well.
Enjoyed your story. I'm sure you'll be writing more about Simba and his interactions with the new puppy. The puppy may be a bit too playful for Simba's liking at the start.
Well done ... :) starkat
Comment Written 03-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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Thank you for reading, reviewing, and for sharing your love of animals with me. Its been about 10 years since we had a dog, but I've pretty much had cats for most of my life. Simba is very spoiled, because I'm always trying to make up to him for what happened before we adopted him. I appreciate your insights, viewpoint, and kind words. Thanks again, ~patty~
Comment from shadz91
lol ah I usually love these kinds of things. Seeing the world through an animal's perspective, with attitude. It makes me wonder.
Anyways there are a few small things that I think could make this story better. Just remember this is personal opinion not literary advice. Okay first off I like theact that you referred to important people like "the man" and "the Mistress" and you threw in a reference to the great cat spirits (I thought that went really well with the story) but then you started using (and I can't believe I am saying this) human terminology for example when he was at the vet he knew that there was something wrong with his kidneys? Granted isn't exactly the most realistic story but I do think that just a bit of editing will allow the story to flow better.
Anyways I am looking forward to the next chapter, my over active imagination is already starting to spew forth what if scinaros.
Good writing Shadz
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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lol ah I usually love these kinds of things. Seeing the world through an animal's perspective, with attitude. It makes me wonder.
Anyways there are a few small things that I think could make this story better. Just remember this is personal opinion not literary advice. Okay first off I like theact that you referred to important people like "the man" and "the Mistress" and you threw in a reference to the great cat spirits (I thought that went really well with the story) but then you started using (and I can't believe I am saying this) human terminology for example when he was at the vet he knew that there was something wrong with his kidneys? Granted isn't exactly the most realistic story but I do think that just a bit of editing will allow the story to flow better.
Anyways I am looking forward to the next chapter, my over active imagination is already starting to spew forth what if scinaros.
Good writing Shadz
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2010
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ah, . . .yeah, someone else pointed out that I give Simba too much credit, intelligence, and understanding of things. I will go back and edit that line about the kidneys. Thank you for your thoughtful review and advice. The next chapter will be coming soon! ~patty~
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
What a lovely amusing story of Simba. 'He' looks pretty well looked after in the picture, and also good enough to cuddle!
This is a delightful story for all cat lovers; with a beautiful ending.
Giddy
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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What a lovely amusing story of Simba. 'He' looks pretty well looked after in the picture, and also good enough to cuddle!
This is a delightful story for all cat lovers; with a beautiful ending.
Giddy
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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Thank you so much, as always, for reading and the generous review. I'm sure that sometime in the week after December 18, I will be able to find time to pen the "introductions," and let everyone know how Simba and the pup are getting on. I appreciate your interest and your kind words. ~patty~
Comment from Tellis
This is a pretty good story and I wonder if they really care who takes care of them as long as they get what they want. LoL Excellent work.
Tellis
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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This is a pretty good story and I wonder if they really care who takes care of them as long as they get what they want. LoL Excellent work.
Tellis
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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Thank you so much, as always, for reading and the generous review. I'm sure that sometime in the week after December 18, I will be able to find time to pen the "introductions," and let everyone know how Simba and the pup are getting on. I appreciate your interest and your kind words. ~patty~
Comment from bowls
This is a great story written from a cat's point of view! Strangely enough, I'm taking care of my sister's two cats while she's away. One of them is named Simba, and he always sits on the back of the sofa. Earlier I was just wondering what Simba was thinking about his mistress' absence and wondering why I was around. This was a totally delightful story and you certainly do seem to have great insight into the life and thoughts of the feline world.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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This is a great story written from a cat's point of view! Strangely enough, I'm taking care of my sister's two cats while she's away. One of them is named Simba, and he always sits on the back of the sofa. Earlier I was just wondering what Simba was thinking about his mistress' absence and wondering why I was around. This was a totally delightful story and you certainly do seem to have great insight into the life and thoughts of the feline world.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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Thank you so much, as always, for reading and the generous review. I'm sure that sometime in the week after December 18, I will be able to find time to pen the "introductions," and let everyone know how Simba and the pup are getting on. I appreciate your interest and your kind words. ~patty~
Comment from kirstypatrick
I found this piece easy to read and follow. I thought that you had a firm hand on the narrative, and found your writing interesting, fluent and easy to engage with. I really liked the idea of taking the cats perspective. There are often times I imagine what my cats are thinking but I've never known anyone to actually write a story based on the cats point of view. All in all a very pleasant and entertaining read!
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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I found this piece easy to read and follow. I thought that you had a firm hand on the narrative, and found your writing interesting, fluent and easy to engage with. I really liked the idea of taking the cats perspective. There are often times I imagine what my cats are thinking but I've never known anyone to actually write a story based on the cats point of view. All in all a very pleasant and entertaining read!
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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Thank you so much, as always, for reading and the generous review. I started playing around with writing from the cat's perspective about 10 years ago on another internet writing site, called 'Instant Novelist,' and my stories had a true following. I'm sure that sometime in the week after December 18, I will be able to find time to pen the "introductions," and let everyone know how Simba and the pup are getting on. I appreciate your interest and your kind words. ~patty~
