Simba's Dilemma
Simba gets some bad news104 total reviews
Comment from humpwhistle
You chose to write in very tricky territory when you chose to write from an animal's point of view. You did quite well, but I'm afraid you fell into the trap of giving Simba too much information. While I don't know how cats think, I believe "laser mouse" is a concept a little too sopisticated. Flying red dot, maybe. That's just one example. I'm sure many people will find this cute, because it is. But it could be cute and challenging from a writer's standpoint too. I mean no offense, just stating an opinion. My favorite example of a book written from an animal's perspective is Richard Adams' The Plague Dogs.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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You chose to write in very tricky territory when you chose to write from an animal's point of view. You did quite well, but I'm afraid you fell into the trap of giving Simba too much information. While I don't know how cats think, I believe "laser mouse" is a concept a little too sopisticated. Flying red dot, maybe. That's just one example. I'm sure many people will find this cute, because it is. But it could be cute and challenging from a writer's standpoint too. I mean no offense, just stating an opinion. My favorite example of a book written from an animal's perspective is Richard Adams' The Plague Dogs.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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Thank you, Lee. I hadn't thought about the laser mouse being too complicated for Simba's thought process. I'm a bit out of practice in writing my animal perspective pieces. Usually, I go and read something by Albert Payson Terhune, . . . or I go to my notebooks full of animal musings -- good point. Thank you for taking the time "clue me in," and the generous review. ~patty~
Comment from thorney
Hi there Mustangpatty. What a wonderful, charming story, I really enjoyed the read. Nice to see Simba so happy, but a DOG is coming! I wonder how he'll handle the new situation?
Just a couple of things to point out, and they are not enough to grade this lovely story less than a five.
Simba wasn't entirely sure why he and Leo had been sentenced to spend time here,. . . - either a comma or an ellipse, not both.
ran though his mind every so often . . .but - a space is required before the 'b'
and it hurt to walk, or eliminate himself, . . .and - space is required before the 'a'
He was in a lot of pain, and it hurt to walk, or eliminate himself, . . . - see above.
sure just how much time had passed, . . ., he started to realize that he was on his own, - and again.
sure just how much time had passed. . . space needed after the 'd'
"Wow, . . .I know Simba is going to hate ... - no comma after 'Wow' and a space required before the 'I'
Good luck, and I hope my suggestions help,
Regards, Pete.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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Hi there Mustangpatty. What a wonderful, charming story, I really enjoyed the read. Nice to see Simba so happy, but a DOG is coming! I wonder how he'll handle the new situation?
Just a couple of things to point out, and they are not enough to grade this lovely story less than a five.
Simba wasn't entirely sure why he and Leo had been sentenced to spend time here,. . . - either a comma or an ellipse, not both.
ran though his mind every so often . . .but - a space is required before the 'b'
and it hurt to walk, or eliminate himself, . . .and - space is required before the 'a'
He was in a lot of pain, and it hurt to walk, or eliminate himself, . . . - see above.
sure just how much time had passed, . . ., he started to realize that he was on his own, - and again.
sure just how much time had passed. . . space needed after the 'd'
"Wow, . . .I know Simba is going to hate ... - no comma after 'Wow' and a space required before the 'I'
Good luck, and I hope my suggestions help,
Regards, Pete.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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Thank you, Pete. I have problems with those ellipses! I tend to use them in my every day writing - emails and such, . . . see - even here. I will go back and make the changes -- I appreciate your feedback, the time you took to read, edit, and the generous review. ~patty~
Comment from The Stranger
Nothing more curious than the cat, what does go through their mind? Nimble and with razor sharp reactions, love the reading, good luck with the remainder
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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Nothing more curious than the cat, what does go through their mind? Nimble and with razor sharp reactions, love the reading, good luck with the remainder
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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Thank you so much for reading and the generous review. Simba is a wonderful subject to write about, because I can almost "hear" what he is thinking when I watch his face. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. ~patty~
Comment from write hand blue
I like stories about animals it makes a nice change....The story looks as if it is well researched....A story for all ages.....I enjoyed reading it....I award 5 stars...
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reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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I like stories about animals it makes a nice change....The story looks as if it is well researched....A story for all ages.....I enjoyed reading it....I award 5 stars...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2010
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2010
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Thank you so much for reading and the generous review. Simba is a wonderful subject to write about, because I can almost "hear" what he is thinking when I watch his face. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. ~patty~
