The Empty Bed
It's lonely at the top72 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
Your twist at the end is quite powerful. I found your "tact of a microchip" and "Gone with the Wind" reference choice. And I liked your taking on the persona of boss lady! Your use of italics for the battling inner thoughts with her conscience were very effective also. Plus your "knife" and "heart" hyperbole worked well. Best wishes in the contest with this strong entry. Enjoy the last bits of Thanksgiving- Joan
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2010
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Your twist at the end is quite powerful. I found your "tact of a microchip" and "Gone with the Wind" reference choice. And I liked your taking on the persona of boss lady! Your use of italics for the battling inner thoughts with her conscience were very effective also. Plus your "knife" and "heart" hyperbole worked well. Best wishes in the contest with this strong entry. Enjoy the last bits of Thanksgiving- Joan
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2010
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Thanks for an excellent review. I was wondering if someone would comment on tact of a microchip; I am glad you did.
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It's a neat coining! Hope your holiday weekend is pleasant. We took the train to San Luis Obispo with our son, a three-year-new tradition, and extended it this time to Hearst's Castle. -J
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That's great. Next time you take the Starlight Express, tell me--a good friend of mine works on the train.
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We are on the Coast Starlight heading home (Saturday, 3:30 p.m.). What's your friend's name? I understand the crew is returning home as well after their four-day schedule. -J
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His name is Greg, but he shipped in last night. I guess you won't see him this trip. He works in dining and wine tasting.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Oh, this is clever Al. You've constructed it so well and I loved the buildup to the ending. I guessed the bomb was in the house when she was on the phone-is that what you intended? It's a great twist on the idea, "the bed was empty."
Giddy
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Oh, this is clever Al. You've constructed it so well and I loved the buildup to the ending. I guessed the bomb was in the house when she was on the phone-is that what you intended? It's a great twist on the idea, "the bed was empty."
Giddy
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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You're too clever for me, Giddy! Yes, that was what I intended, but I wanted it to come as a total suprise. Thanks for an excellent review.
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I'm going to sneak in a reply here Al.
Have decided to do your poetry courseā?? roll on February!
G
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That's great you have decided to do the poetry course. When are you going to register? Your name doesn't appear on the class list as of yet.
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I'd better get on it
Giddy air he
Comment from Halfree
Well written (as if you didn't know) and most enjoyable. I liked the way you had the woman talking to others and at the same time talking to herself, wonderful interplay. Thanks for a good read.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2010
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Well written (as if you didn't know) and most enjoyable. I liked the way you had the woman talking to others and at the same time talking to herself, wonderful interplay. Thanks for a good read.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2010
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Thanks for an excellent review; I am glad you liked the format.
Comment from sibhus
Hey Al, good stuff. I thought the twists were great, they definately kept me interested. Sounds like a touch of the muddled adventures of MI5 during the sixties ha ha ha. Great story and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2010
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Hey Al, good stuff. I thought the twists were great, they definately kept me interested. Sounds like a touch of the muddled adventures of MI5 during the sixties ha ha ha. Great story and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2010
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Thanks for an excellent review. Great reference to the MI5. Thanks.
Comment from Charlene0513
To AlvinTEthington,
A very deceptive and harsh way of finding out just what the other partner is caplable of.
Nice setting to your plot mixed with many metaphors to broaden the viewers mind.
It flowed very nicely; with thought-provoking terms.
Charlene
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2010
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To AlvinTEthington,
A very deceptive and harsh way of finding out just what the other partner is caplable of.
Nice setting to your plot mixed with many metaphors to broaden the viewers mind.
It flowed very nicely; with thought-provoking terms.
Charlene
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2010
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Thanks for a great review and noticing my use of metaphors; I am truly appreciative.
Comment from jmdg1954
Excellent dialogue and charectors in your story. I like the espionage in this, although the story too a bit to develop, once it did, it moved very well.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Excellent dialogue and charectors in your story. I like the espionage in this, although the story too a bit to develop, once it did, it moved very well.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Thanks for an excellent review. I don't understand although the story too a bit to develop. Do you mean took? If so, do you have an idea how I can move the story faster? Thanks for an excellent review.
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IYes, it was supposed to be "took",,, It just seemed there was a lot of conversation at the beginning of the story, but I guess it was charector development.
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Yes, I had my start as a playwright, so my writing is often character-driven and my characters are developed by conversation. I don't know whether that's good or bad or both!
Comment from Readywriter52
This is an interest story. It goes from infidelity to espionage. He seduced Katherine for her DOD secrets and blew up her company. The part I found hard to believe is that her company allowed her to take home secret DOD documents.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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This is an interest story. It goes from infidelity to espionage. He seduced Katherine for her DOD secrets and blew up her company. The part I found hard to believe is that her company allowed her to take home secret DOD documents.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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I thought the implication that she owned the company was clear; do you have any idea how that could be made clearer? I thought that normally with DOD documents both parties had back-up documents in a secret place. Thanks for an excellent review.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
And that, my friend, Alvin, is one of the reasons
why I don't run around on my husband -- one never
really knows the intentions of the other party
this is quite the story of intrigue -- I truly
never saw that ending coming
thanks for sharing
good luck in the contest
love,
jan
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2010
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And that, my friend, Alvin, is one of the reasons
why I don't run around on my husband -- one never
really knows the intentions of the other party
this is quite the story of intrigue -- I truly
never saw that ending coming
thanks for sharing
good luck in the contest
love,
jan
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2010
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Thanks for an excellent review and discerning the moral of the story so well.
Comment from marymiller546
Excellent Story,I never saw the ending coming. The story started out pretty run of the mill to the point that I felt I needed to press on. I have to say though, the ending was well worth it.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Excellent Story,I never saw the ending coming. The story started out pretty run of the mill to the point that I felt I needed to press on. I have to say though, the ending was well worth it.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Thanks for an exceptional review. Do you have any thoughts on how to make the start of the story more exciting?
Comment from sk42rn
Hi Alvin,
You have reviewed my work before and I have really appreciated the reviews. In this work I have a question about appropriate word usage -
My mind wondered back (is it wondered or wandered?) which is the appropriate use??
Miss Catherine (notice that you use Katherine with a K and a C.) intermittently in the story.
Very good story. Realistic. The woman always gets the screw. Too bad she had to die!
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Hi Alvin,
You have reviewed my work before and I have really appreciated the reviews. In this work I have a question about appropriate word usage -
My mind wondered back (is it wondered or wandered?) which is the appropriate use??
Miss Catherine (notice that you use Katherine with a K and a C.) intermittently in the story.
Very good story. Realistic. The woman always gets the screw. Too bad she had to die!
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Good catch. I had already corrected wandered; I only found once place at which I used Catherine and corrected it. Is there another? Thanks for a good review.
