Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Chapter 11; part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
64 total reviews
Comment from fictionwriter
I'm like Sara, I'd sure like to know more about what's going on in the case. I enjoyed this. Great job.
Joe faced him. "I'll stay in touch."
As Joe opened the door, Sara called, "Joe, wait." She(joe used too many times too close together.)
, but yes(,) some situations have changed.
Before Matt and I were married, the helicopter he was riding on crashed in Colombia.
I know(,) I've watched too many movies,
Joe glanced at his feet, then at Sara's face. (delete the comma or add a subject after it.)
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2010
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I'm like Sara, I'd sure like to know more about what's going on in the case. I enjoyed this. Great job.
Joe faced him. "I'll stay in touch."
As Joe opened the door, Sara called, "Joe, wait." She(joe used too many times too close together.)
, but yes(,) some situations have changed.
Before Matt and I were married, the helicopter he was riding on crashed in Colombia.
I know(,) I've watched too many movies,
Joe glanced at his feet, then at Sara's face. (delete the comma or add a subject after it.)
Comment Written 22-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2010
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In the last sentence, I was told since I didn't use the word and with my then, I need the comma. Who knows.....
Comment from Realist101
Hi Barbara! AHhhh!! Painting, this makes me feel SO guilty! LOL! I'm still trying to get this kitchen done. Oh well, more fun to read stories! I find this chapter interesting, I like the dialogue of course, you always bring out the emotions in your characters so well. I hope you will let the little girl live, but to be realistic, well, most are dead or completely gone. Good suspense here! I am also glad you are feeling better, I will think of you on Wednesday too!! xoxo...Susan
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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Hi Barbara! AHhhh!! Painting, this makes me feel SO guilty! LOL! I'm still trying to get this kitchen done. Oh well, more fun to read stories! I find this chapter interesting, I like the dialogue of course, you always bring out the emotions in your characters so well. I hope you will let the little girl live, but to be realistic, well, most are dead or completely gone. Good suspense here! I am also glad you are feeling better, I will think of you on Wednesday too!! xoxo...Susan
Comment Written 21-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and friendship.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
This was another excellent chapter that I've enjoyed. I'm so glad about Sara trusting Joe, I thinks this is going to help a lot in their relationship.
My best wishes for you dear friend.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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This was another excellent chapter that I've enjoyed. I'm so glad about Sara trusting Joe, I thinks this is going to help a lot in their relationship.
My best wishes for you dear friend.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Connie P
No problem on the extra length, I didn't notice until I read your note. I'm also glad you're doing as well as you are. This was an exciting chapter. Sara's insecurity truly runs deep, it's hard for her to accept that anyone cares about her. Joe is having to work hard to find her daughter and try and convince her he loves her.
I'll be patiently awaiting the continuation.
Note:
She stepped back from Joe and chewed on her fingernail(.) "Bye."
Connie
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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No problem on the extra length, I didn't notice until I read your note. I'm also glad you're doing as well as you are. This was an exciting chapter. Sara's insecurity truly runs deep, it's hard for her to accept that anyone cares about her. Joe is having to work hard to find her daughter and try and convince her he loves her.
I'll be patiently awaiting the continuation.
Note:
She stepped back from Joe and chewed on her fingernail(.) "Bye."
Connie
Comment Written 21-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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I will make the correction. Thank you for your eagle eye.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Good luck for your next round of chemo. I know what you mean about just starting to feel better when the next lot comes - Pete had three months of it in the first round for his lymphoma; then the second round;- then two years of maintenance chemo which had no side-effects. At present we are just drifting - waiting.
This chapter is excellent- not too long. I think your interaction between characters is excellent and also it seems a good place to take a break. Giddy.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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Good luck for your next round of chemo. I know what you mean about just starting to feel better when the next lot comes - Pete had three months of it in the first round for his lymphoma; then the second round;- then two years of maintenance chemo which had no side-effects. At present we are just drifting - waiting.
This chapter is excellent- not too long. I think your interaction between characters is excellent and also it seems a good place to take a break. Giddy.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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Thank your for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from ulster3
Hello Barbara.
Great going with this complex story line. The current senario just tears the heart, so you are definitely doing the author's thing of evoking emotion.
Cheez! Sorry about the chemo reactions. I will put you on the prayer list.
Love and blessings. Rebecca
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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Hello Barbara.
Great going with this complex story line. The current senario just tears the heart, so you are definitely doing the author's thing of evoking emotion.
Cheez! Sorry about the chemo reactions. I will put you on the prayer list.
Love and blessings. Rebecca
Comment Written 21-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from L.lora
An excellent addition. Your
discriptions are very good
with good dialogue--all very
realistic. I really like your
indepth character study;I think
they are spot on and really give
a full flavor to the storyline.
Looking forward to your next
post. no nits or spags. Lora
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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An excellent addition. Your
discriptions are very good
with good dialogue--all very
realistic. I really like your
indepth character study;I think
they are spot on and really give
a full flavor to the storyline.
Looking forward to your next
post. no nits or spags. Lora
Comment Written 21-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sefiros
The relationship is fragile -- which is expected considering the subject matter -- and alarms are ringing in my head when Sara asks questions. She's so intense that she's driving herself crazy and I fear she is going to talk her way out of the relationship when the dust settles. Nice job.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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The relationship is fragile -- which is expected considering the subject matter -- and alarms are ringing in my head when Sara asks questions. She's so intense that she's driving herself crazy and I fear she is going to talk her way out of the relationship when the dust settles. Nice job.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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I am not sure what I did wrong to get 4 stars. I wish you would tell me how to improve my writing to get a five from you.
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I'm always of the opinion that everything could be improved. It's nothing personal, however I may have been using that policy as a crutch or excuse so -- yes the work is excepetional. congrats.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
Good chapter, nice dialogue exchanges.
You have a few "nits" going on: the word "toward" is used twice in two close lines of narrative and the word "door" shows up four times in three short paragraphs.
You use an ellipsis and then say -- Her voice trailed off. The tag is unnecessary. The ellipsis indicates her voice trailed off. -- He drew her closer [to his body.] -- You don't need those three words. -- His jaw [clinched.] -- I'm not sure it's the right word.
I've fallen behind on my reviews because my novel "Deathmaker" has found a publisher. I'm working with the assigned editor to get the book out by early 2011. It will be available on Amazon in paperback. If sales go well, we'll go to hardback. The book will be offered in all electronic formats as well.
Ted
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
Good chapter, nice dialogue exchanges.
You have a few "nits" going on: the word "toward" is used twice in two close lines of narrative and the word "door" shows up four times in three short paragraphs.
You use an ellipsis and then say -- Her voice trailed off. The tag is unnecessary. The ellipsis indicates her voice trailed off. -- He drew her closer [to his body.] -- You don't need those three words. -- His jaw [clinched.] -- I'm not sure it's the right word.
I've fallen behind on my reviews because my novel "Deathmaker" has found a publisher. I'm working with the assigned editor to get the book out by early 2011. It will be available on Amazon in paperback. If sales go well, we'll go to hardback. The book will be offered in all electronic formats as well.
Ted
Comment Written 21-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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I changed some of the doors, but some I couldn't figure out how to change. I rewrote the toward. I removed the 'Her voice trailed off. If a reviewer says they don't knwo who's speaking, I am going to be hot. I also removed his body. I forgot to double check clinched, that I will also do. I am happy to hear about your novel. I wish you the best of luck.
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Thank you :)
I had no trouble with who's speaking. Some of your reviewers are hung up on tags, ignore them.
You should also change the following line:
[Squeezing her, he asked, "What's really going on?"]
Make it: He squeezed her. "What's really going on?" -- You don't need to say [he asked] because it's an obvious question. That's the same as ending an obvious question with the tag: she or he asked. It's redundant and a lot of FS writers do it over and over.
Getting Deathmaker" published has been a long hard road and The editor and I are fixing "nits." It's a lot different than getting feedback on FS. The corrections are being made by my editor and me within a publishing contract that will put the book in print. No matter what you get from FS reviewers it doesn't come close to working with a professional editor.
After eighteen rejections DM is going to press because I wouldn't give up.
Be prepared to grow a tough skin and face the rejections that will come. One day you'll be working with a professional and on a book deal.
Ted
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I just changed it to He squeezed, her but I can guarentee I will hear about it because two sentences up I started it with a He, that's why I didn't use it. Which publishing company are you going with?
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Hi :)
You could use [Joe squeezed her] or just have him ask the question.
I'm using "Omega Publishing" -- No advance, it's royalties only as a POD project. I went with them based on my age. As Bobby Kennedy one said, "If not now, when?"
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At least you will be published. I have already been told by another reviewer that I used Joe too often. This is why I slip one or two sentences that begin with an ing word.
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At least you will be published. I have already been told by another reviewer that I used Joe too often. This is why I slip one or two sentences that begin with an ing word.
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Remember what I said a while back, "You'll never please everybody."
In his book "Cell" Stephen King uses "she" seven times in one medium paragraph.
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I should tell that to the other reviewer.
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Yes, you should tell the reviewer what I said :)
Comment from adewpearl
I didn't even notice it was longer than usual, Barbara. I'm in such suspense right along with Sara that I could have kept reading twice as long. You're doing a good job of showing Sara's feelings about Joe becoming more settled, and you're doing a great job of keeping us all on the edges of our seats. LOL Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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I didn't even notice it was longer than usual, Barbara. I'm in such suspense right along with Sara that I could have kept reading twice as long. You're doing a good job of showing Sara's feelings about Joe becoming more settled, and you're doing a great job of keeping us all on the edges of our seats. LOL Brooke :-)
Comment Written 21-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2010
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Thank you Brooke, for your kind review. I alway wait unitl you weight in to see if I messed up or not.
