Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Chapter 11; part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
64 total reviews
Comment from Jonez08
Hi Barbara, another great chapter. Although this is more of an interim chapter, I like how you're using Cassie's disappearence to develope Joe and Sarah's relationship. Your readers are getting a touch of suspense and romance! I look forward to the next. Hope you're feeling better soon.
Only three and half days ago (we) made love.
--this is wrong tense, your novel is not narrated in first person, it is narrated in third person past tense. It should be: Only three and half days ago they had made love or It had been only three and half days ago since they made love
he said over his shoulder as he answered the knock at the front
--suggestion: since you had him leaning against the wall, I suggest showing him him going to the door to answer, maybe you could just say: he said over his shoulder as he walked to answer the knock at the front..
Joe's like a big brother and he's in love with you and Cassie so you're family
--this sounds as if Joe is 'in' love with Sarah and Cassie, I suggest: Joe's like a big brother and he loves you and Cassie, so you're family.
Cassandra
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Hi Barbara, another great chapter. Although this is more of an interim chapter, I like how you're using Cassie's disappearence to develope Joe and Sarah's relationship. Your readers are getting a touch of suspense and romance! I look forward to the next. Hope you're feeling better soon.
Only three and half days ago (we) made love.
--this is wrong tense, your novel is not narrated in first person, it is narrated in third person past tense. It should be: Only three and half days ago they had made love or It had been only three and half days ago since they made love
he said over his shoulder as he answered the knock at the front
--suggestion: since you had him leaning against the wall, I suggest showing him him going to the door to answer, maybe you could just say: he said over his shoulder as he walked to answer the knock at the front..
Joe's like a big brother and he's in love with you and Cassie so you're family
--this sounds as if Joe is 'in' love with Sarah and Cassie, I suggest: Joe's like a big brother and he loves you and Cassie, so you're family.
Cassandra
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Your first suggestions was supposed to be in thought. I am wondering what happened to the italics and if they have been gone since the beginning why you're the only one who noticed after 60 reviews. HUMMMM, I have inserted the italics. Thank you for your kind review and actually reading the chapter.
Comment from MyYiaYia
Well done, I didn't find any SPAG at all. Either your writing is getting very good or everyone else beat me to it. LOL! I hope you are feeling well enough to have a pleasant Thanksgiving. I will pray for you to have a day of total relief from nausea, etc. so you can enjoy being with your family and friends. Debbie :0)
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Well done, I didn't find any SPAG at all. Either your writing is getting very good or everyone else beat me to it. LOL! I hope you are feeling well enough to have a pleasant Thanksgiving. I will pray for you to have a day of total relief from nausea, etc. so you can enjoy being with your family and friends. Debbie :0)
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from R. K. Alan
The post length is fine, don't worry. It communicates your message well and continues to move the story ahead. I now worry about Sara being alone for the evening.
Good to hear your getting through your treatments. God speed and have a lovely Thanksgiving. Ten more hours until I can chow down on a traditional turkey feast. Ray aka krylon
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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The post length is fine, don't worry. It communicates your message well and continues to move the story ahead. I now worry about Sara being alone for the evening.
Good to hear your getting through your treatments. God speed and have a lovely Thanksgiving. Ten more hours until I can chow down on a traditional turkey feast. Ray aka krylon
Comment Written 25-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
barbara:
please don't apologize for the length of your
posts -- the breaks need to come where you feel
they naturally should occur -- I think this was
a great place to do that
you are doing a fantastic job with this book
keep up the good work
love,
jan
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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barbara:
please don't apologize for the length of your
posts -- the breaks need to come where you feel
they naturally should occur -- I think this was
a great place to do that
you are doing a fantastic job with this book
keep up the good work
love,
jan
Comment Written 24-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
Don't worry about the length, Barbara. Do what you feel up to.
Joe shut it[refers back to the towel - the door] and leaned against the wall. Only three and [a] half days ago we made love. It seems a lifetime ago.
She stepped back from Joe and chewed on her fingernail[.] "Bye."
"I can be there in a few hours[] if you need me."
"Before Matt and I were married[,] the helicopter he was riding on crashed in Colombia.
Roberta
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Don't worry about the length, Barbara. Do what you feel up to.
Joe shut it[refers back to the towel - the door] and leaned against the wall. Only three and [a] half days ago we made love. It seems a lifetime ago.
She stepped back from Joe and chewed on her fingernail[.] "Bye."
"I can be there in a few hours[] if you need me."
"Before Matt and I were married[,] the helicopter he was riding on crashed in Colombia.
Roberta
Comment Written 24-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!
Comment from Occasional Beauty
The dialogue is pretty smooth here and realistic. I liked how you incorporate painting into this story, the child pornography spin is also a tabooish risk but brave and works too. good job.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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The dialogue is pretty smooth here and realistic. I liked how you incorporate painting into this story, the child pornography spin is also a tabooish risk but brave and works too. good job.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Nicnac
Ugh what horrible thoughts must be going through Sara's mind. I can't imagine, as a mother, thinking of what could be happening.
I'm glad Sara is beginning to trust Joe more. I like the friendship between her and Dani too. Dani gives her the reassurance she needs about Joe. I'm sure it is easier for her to trust a female, due to what has happened in the past.
Well done, my friend.
I'm continuing to pray for you.
Big hugs
Nic
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2010
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Ugh what horrible thoughts must be going through Sara's mind. I can't imagine, as a mother, thinking of what could be happening.
I'm glad Sara is beginning to trust Joe more. I like the friendship between her and Dani too. Dani gives her the reassurance she needs about Joe. I'm sure it is easier for her to trust a female, due to what has happened in the past.
Well done, my friend.
I'm continuing to pray for you.
Big hugs
Nic
Comment Written 24-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued friendship.
Comment from Writeaway...
Glad to see your starting to feel better, but then again, but you'll get through this. This is once again another fab pieced babara, I can find nothing to suggest for improvment, excellent job, keep writing!! :)
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2010
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Glad to see your starting to feel better, but then again, but you'll get through this. This is once again another fab pieced babara, I can find nothing to suggest for improvment, excellent job, keep writing!! :)
Comment Written 24-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2010
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Thnk you for your kind review and support.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
I really like the way the last two chapters have moved on. I felt it was very realistic in the last chapter for Sarah to ago to Joe for a hug. They mystery surrounding Cassie is hotting up, hope they find her soon
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2010
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I really like the way the last two chapters have moved on. I felt it was very realistic in the last chapter for Sarah to ago to Joe for a hug. They mystery surrounding Cassie is hotting up, hope they find her soon
Comment Written 24-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from essence56
Another good chapter. But it is so unfair, I want Cassie lol. I am glad you are taking care of yourself and I will continue to pray for your firm and healthy return. Great kob
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2010
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Another good chapter. But it is so unfair, I want Cassie lol. I am glad you are taking care of yourself and I will continue to pray for your firm and healthy return. Great kob
Comment Written 23-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
