The War Horse
A young brave wants a war horse33 total reviews
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Susan:)
What a beautiful story. You truly capture the essence of wild horses running free in the mountains and the dream of a young brave who wanted a great war horse. How many times such event must have taken place.
You have created a masterpiece of visual imagery. I hope you try to market this story, perhaps in a young adult magazine.
Love and Irish hugs
Roger
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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Hi Susan:)
What a beautiful story. You truly capture the essence of wild horses running free in the mountains and the dream of a young brave who wanted a great war horse. How many times such event must have taken place.
You have created a masterpiece of visual imagery. I hope you try to market this story, perhaps in a young adult magazine.
Love and Irish hugs
Roger
Comment Written 03-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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HI Roger! Wow! Thank you so much! I just love when you enjoy something of mine. "Masterpiece"...wow. I am honored with your confidence in me, my friend. I would love to have this published, it may be in "LittleWords" a publication in Montana...a man there sometimes uses my western stories? I'll let you know? I don't get paid, but it's still real publishing...I guess. He came to me, so I am honored there too! ") HUGS To you as well, my friend...Susan
Comment from Sasha
I was so engrossed in story I didn't notice any apostrophe problems. Beautiful story full of awesome visual imagery that pulled me into the excitement. I enjoyed this very much and continue to be impressed with your excellent writing style. Keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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I was so engrossed in story I didn't notice any apostrophe problems. Beautiful story full of awesome visual imagery that pulled me into the excitement. I enjoyed this very much and continue to be impressed with your excellent writing style. Keep up the great work!
Comment Written 03-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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HI Sasha! Wow, thank you!! I am always so happy when you like my efforts. What an honor, each time you read and review for me. ") I sold my house, and am tempted to come down to your neck of the woods. But I have ten animals to tote along...And a sick family member to be near. I do wish. Thanks again young lady, stay safe! AND well!! xoxo, susan
Comment from Veekz
This is a really sweet coming of age story filled with just the right amount of adventure and excitement regarding the horse chase. I can see this being ideal for young boys - they would love it! Another fab read from yourself :)
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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This is a really sweet coming of age story filled with just the right amount of adventure and excitement regarding the horse chase. I can see this being ideal for young boys - they would love it! Another fab read from yourself :)
Comment Written 03-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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HI again Jessie!! Thank you so. I used to pretend to be a wild stallion when I was little. I could outrun all the other kids too, we would play 'cowboys and Indians', but I was always a horse...I used to 'herd' the other girls, they were the mares. I know, this is weird...but I think I was a horse in a past life...or something...lol!! Thanks again my friend! xoxo, susan
Comment from Minglement
This sweet storyis an amazing piece of writing. I loved all the description, so perfect for the era and setting. Great storytelling. I have one question, when you say - 'he hoped to see the stallion he had chased again.' does there need to be a comma after chased - chased, again? Without the comma it reads (to me - though I'm no expert) that it's the horse he chased again, not that he hopes to see it again. Probably just me. Wonderful, enjoyable read. You are growing, my friend!
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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This sweet storyis an amazing piece of writing. I loved all the description, so perfect for the era and setting. Great storytelling. I have one question, when you say - 'he hoped to see the stallion he had chased again.' does there need to be a comma after chased - chased, again? Without the comma it reads (to me - though I'm no expert) that it's the horse he chased again, not that he hopes to see it again. Probably just me. Wonderful, enjoyable read. You are growing, my friend!
Comment Written 03-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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HI Marcia! You know, you're probably right! GOOD observation! I will add the comma! I think it's needed there...HUGS for taking the time to look for nits! I am honored to have you read for me and especially grateful for such a generous rating too, my friend. HUGS and smiles! Susan
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Most welcome, dear friend. Hope you're having a better day. There's a plan, hang in there. ;) Marcia
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HI Marcia...I do hope you're right. I am getting so scared...ten animals...no one will rent to us with all of them...Well, thanks for the encouragment...you are so good to me...susan
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I know what you mean about the animals. It will work out. You may have to make some adjustments, but in the end, it will be all right. Hugs, friend, Marcia
Comment from Narvik
Well, if you write this well when you're brain dead, Susan, I wonder what you'd come up with when your brain wakes up again. Reminded me of "The Man from Snowy River." Loved the part where the stallion jumped across the ditch. I was thinking Running Deer was going to catch the stallion the next summer, but I liked your ending even better.
Well, I'm in an anal mood today, so I got some nit-picky suggestions:
I'd consider dividing the last sentence of the 3rd paragraph into two sentences, separated , I'd consider dividing the sentence into 2, ending the first sentence after 'storm.'
He spoke loudly a challenge (could streamline this verb/adverb combination with a single stronger verb, e.g., 'he shouted' a challenge.
Another one: "The hours passed slowly" could be something like 'The hours crept by'.
the sound of hooves ('sound' is weak. Could be 'pound' or 'thumping' or something)
a mare going off ('go' is a very general verb. Maybe something like 'wandering' or 'meandering,' 'roaming,' 'straying,' moseying,' etc. Even 'walking' would be more descriptive than 'go')
the same fire in its eyes too (don't need 'too'. It's redundant because you already said 'the same')
relenting its icy fingers on the earth (relenting 'on'? Is that the right preposition?)
the stallion he had chased again (makes it sound kind of like he'd chased the stallion twice. I'm not sure you even need the 'again', or you could change it to something like 'he had chased the previous summer' or 'the stallion that escaped' or something along those lines)
A few things you could indicate earlier in the story to establish it better from the get-go: I'd mention it was the Grand Tetons right off so we don't go half the story without knowing the geographical location. Other things you could mention near the front are the facts that Running Deer is a Cheyenne and that he is 15.
OK, that's my anal analysis (get it? ANAL ANALysis?) for today. Susan, I hope you're collecting your horse stories for a book. Or you could write two books. One fiction and one non-fiction biographical. Keep 'em coming.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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Well, if you write this well when you're brain dead, Susan, I wonder what you'd come up with when your brain wakes up again. Reminded me of "The Man from Snowy River." Loved the part where the stallion jumped across the ditch. I was thinking Running Deer was going to catch the stallion the next summer, but I liked your ending even better.
Well, I'm in an anal mood today, so I got some nit-picky suggestions:
I'd consider dividing the last sentence of the 3rd paragraph into two sentences, separated , I'd consider dividing the sentence into 2, ending the first sentence after 'storm.'
He spoke loudly a challenge (could streamline this verb/adverb combination with a single stronger verb, e.g., 'he shouted' a challenge.
Another one: "The hours passed slowly" could be something like 'The hours crept by'.
the sound of hooves ('sound' is weak. Could be 'pound' or 'thumping' or something)
a mare going off ('go' is a very general verb. Maybe something like 'wandering' or 'meandering,' 'roaming,' 'straying,' moseying,' etc. Even 'walking' would be more descriptive than 'go')
the same fire in its eyes too (don't need 'too'. It's redundant because you already said 'the same')
relenting its icy fingers on the earth (relenting 'on'? Is that the right preposition?)
the stallion he had chased again (makes it sound kind of like he'd chased the stallion twice. I'm not sure you even need the 'again', or you could change it to something like 'he had chased the previous summer' or 'the stallion that escaped' or something along those lines)
A few things you could indicate earlier in the story to establish it better from the get-go: I'd mention it was the Grand Tetons right off so we don't go half the story without knowing the geographical location. Other things you could mention near the front are the facts that Running Deer is a Cheyenne and that he is 15.
OK, that's my anal analysis (get it? ANAL ANALysis?) for today. Susan, I hope you're collecting your horse stories for a book. Or you could write two books. One fiction and one non-fiction biographical. Keep 'em coming.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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") GOOD for you! I appreciate this Jack. AND have jotted these ideas down to work with tomorrow! I am thrilled to have your opinions my friend! I am too chicken to try to publish...maybe someday. I do have some of these in a Montana publication, but not for pay or anything...it's called "LittleWords" ? So, I can say I'm published at least. That's a start? I guess. LOL! I always love your sense of humor! I need to smile a littel!! ")) Susan
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AH, I was afraid I was being too picky with that review, so thanks for vindicating me, Suse. Hey, just start submitting this stuff. I gotta do the same. I've never submitted anything anywhere. Good luck Susan!
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You too my friend, I wish you all the best!! Susan
Comment from Laurie Clayton
This is a well written, coming of age
story of a boy and his wish for a stronger
horse. The way that he came by His War Horse
will build a bond so much stronger than
anything he could have hoped for,
had he caught that stallion.
A very engaging story.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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This is a well written, coming of age
story of a boy and his wish for a stronger
horse. The way that he came by His War Horse
will build a bond so much stronger than
anything he could have hoped for,
had he caught that stallion.
A very engaging story.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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Thank you so kindly, Laurie! I am thrilled that you enjoyed this one! You are right, having his horse from birth, is much better! Their friendship grew! ") I am glad you saw that! xoxo, susan
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I do like the prairie stories
Susan, something different to
all the other postings on site...
most enjoyable, my friend.
Mothering Sunday here today, so have been busy enjoying
the family.... had a lovely day.
Hope all is well with you, my friend.
MArgaret
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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I do like the prairie stories
Susan, something different to
all the other postings on site...
most enjoyable, my friend.
Mothering Sunday here today, so have been busy enjoying
the family.... had a lovely day.
Hope all is well with you, my friend.
MArgaret
Comment Written 03-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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Thank you so much Margaret! I am always honored and very happy when you like my work!! Please skip my next post? It's not a fun one at all. LOVE!! Susan
Comment from janbar
I am a horse lover and this story was so beautiful and appreciative of the animals and nature. The way you depicted the young brave and the tribe was with great empathy and emotion. Your knowledge and vocabulary were a treat to read. I thank you very much for this unusual example of very fine writing and storytelling. A suspenseful tale of youth, maturity, and humanity. janbar
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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I am a horse lover and this story was so beautiful and appreciative of the animals and nature. The way you depicted the young brave and the tribe was with great empathy and emotion. Your knowledge and vocabulary were a treat to read. I thank you very much for this unusual example of very fine writing and storytelling. A suspenseful tale of youth, maturity, and humanity. janbar
Comment Written 03-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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Hi Jan! Hugs and many thanks for t his kind and very encouraging review! Your enthusiasm is very much appreciated!! Wow...thank you again...xoxo, susan
Comment from Spiritual Echo
A break from your usual genre, but one which you accomplished with great ease.
The tone is so appropriate to this story and while it is not one of drama or action there is a tenderness that connects the boy to the earth and his dreams. Well done.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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A break from your usual genre, but one which you accomplished with great ease.
The tone is so appropriate to this story and while it is not one of drama or action there is a tenderness that connects the boy to the earth and his dreams. Well done.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2011
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HI Ingrid! I am sorry for the late thank you!! I am trying to pack to move, write and review too! I need ten hands and an extra head? Or something. I am very glad you liked this. I had a heck of a time with it! ") SO nice to hear from you!! ") Susan
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed your short story. You are a master a descriptions. Writer's Digest has a short story contest coming up in May, you might consider entering it.
But it was just a mare going off to have a foal. He ordered the dog quiet and slowly followed her from a distance. And he readied his bow in case a big cat came prowling. (shouldn't start sentences with but & and)
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2011
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I enjoyed your short story. You are a master a descriptions. Writer's Digest has a short story contest coming up in May, you might consider entering it.
But it was just a mare going off to have a foal. He ordered the dog quiet and slowly followed her from a distance. And he readied his bow in case a big cat came prowling. (shouldn't start sentences with but & and)
Comment Written 03-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2011
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Hi Barbara! Thanks! I will check the contest out? I am a chicken tho...I did remove the "But" and the "And" too!! Thank you for the help! I know better than that too! ") I have a mental block...") How are you and Big Boy and your family? I hope you are feeling well Barb! I am going to the doc next week. AND trying to pack to move...it's just too much. I'm so tired, it's scary. HUGS and best wishes! Susan
