The Predator
A young woman starts a new life.108 total reviews
Comment from Judith Ann
I so enjoyed reading this short story. I love big dogs, so my interest was peaked right from the start. My best friend just called me a few minutes ago and shared that she is having a biopsy Tuesday and they are very certain the lump is cancerous. So, wow, your story was so timely. Then I read your author's notes...whew! I am praying for you. You are a gifted writer and you know how to tell a story. Loved it! -Judy
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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I so enjoyed reading this short story. I love big dogs, so my interest was peaked right from the start. My best friend just called me a few minutes ago and shared that she is having a biopsy Tuesday and they are very certain the lump is cancerous. So, wow, your story was so timely. Then I read your author's notes...whew! I am praying for you. You are a gifted writer and you know how to tell a story. Loved it! -Judy
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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My prayers are with your friend. God knows who she is. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from patmedium
Come on, Mrs Sunnyshine ... get it all fixed up by those men of yours so that you can rest in a comfy position amidst the beautiful hills and valleys of Fanstoryland! Grab your chance while it's here ... all too soon you'll be back on top form! LOL.
Good story, this one. Those dogs ARE enormous softies. xxx
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Come on, Mrs Sunnyshine ... get it all fixed up by those men of yours so that you can rest in a comfy position amidst the beautiful hills and valleys of Fanstoryland! Grab your chance while it's here ... all too soon you'll be back on top form! LOL.
Good story, this one. Those dogs ARE enormous softies. xxx
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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I love the gentle giants much more than the small ones. I love all dogs, but still have my prefences of the breeds. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Barbara ....
It is good to know that you have got through your first chemo treatment with obviously a cheerful and optimistic outlook. My brother and his wife had a Pyrenees Mountain Dog (or a St.Bernard's Mountain Dog as they called him)so I could well visualise what you were writing about.
I have given you 5 stars, trusting that you will consider the changes recommended ....
* You have - He reached in this pocket for his phone.
I suggest - He reached into his pocket ...
* You have - If he discovered (past tense) how I'm maimed, he'll (present tense) run the other direction.
I suggest - If he discovered how I'm maimed, he'd run the other way.
* You have - Please sit. Would you like ... I suggest -
Please sit down. Would you like .......
* You have - He preferred bikini clad blondes over intelligence. I suggest - He preferred bikini-clad blondes to intelligence in women.
* This is a query. Eli was cooking steak. Where were they because you then had him suggesting that they should go inside?
The steak sounded good too!
Love from ..... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Hullo Barbara ....
It is good to know that you have got through your first chemo treatment with obviously a cheerful and optimistic outlook. My brother and his wife had a Pyrenees Mountain Dog (or a St.Bernard's Mountain Dog as they called him)so I could well visualise what you were writing about.
I have given you 5 stars, trusting that you will consider the changes recommended ....
* You have - He reached in this pocket for his phone.
I suggest - He reached into his pocket ...
* You have - If he discovered (past tense) how I'm maimed, he'll (present tense) run the other direction.
I suggest - If he discovered how I'm maimed, he'd run the other way.
* You have - Please sit. Would you like ... I suggest -
Please sit down. Would you like .......
* You have - He preferred bikini clad blondes over intelligence. I suggest - He preferred bikini-clad blondes to intelligence in women.
* This is a query. Eli was cooking steak. Where were they because you then had him suggesting that they should go inside?
The steak sounded good too!
Love from ..... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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I made hard copy so I don't miss any mistakes I need to correct. My pyre is quite a character. Thank you for your kind review and eagle eye.
Comment from rwilliam
This is a good story line. You have good strong characters and I can see their different personalities. Good work.
"I'm not a great cook, but I can grill a mean steak, throw some potatoes in the oven, and open a bag of salad." OOPS a typo. I think you meant...opened...a bag of salad.
The problem I had was how quickly you had them met and then become so intimate so fast. Not very believable for me. Is there a reason it seems you rushed their getting to know each other?
Other than that it's good. I think you should take the time to comb through this chapter again and make it stronger. Develop their relationship at a more acceptable pace.
Good work and keep writing.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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This is a good story line. You have good strong characters and I can see their different personalities. Good work.
"I'm not a great cook, but I can grill a mean steak, throw some potatoes in the oven, and open a bag of salad." OOPS a typo. I think you meant...opened...a bag of salad.
The problem I had was how quickly you had them met and then become so intimate so fast. Not very believable for me. Is there a reason it seems you rushed their getting to know each other?
Other than that it's good. I think you should take the time to comb through this chapter again and make it stronger. Develop their relationship at a more acceptable pace.
Good work and keep writing.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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NOPE, I meant open, he's speaking and the sentence is in present tense. I needed to write the story in 1500 words. Mine had 1483. That's why I put the ending as Eli saying, he didn't knwo what the future held.
Comment from jinxiegal
Great story! You quickly make Jasmine endeared to the reader, as well as Sam and Eli. Excellent dialog, the story as a whole read very smoothly and was realistic. Nicely done, thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Great story! You quickly make Jasmine endeared to the reader, as well as Sam and Eli. Excellent dialog, the story as a whole read very smoothly and was realistic. Nicely done, thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Mustang Patty
A wonderful piece about working through the survival. Congratulations to you, too!! Rest while you can, and when you can, . .in the long run, it will help. Sounds like your dog is a great help and comfort. Thank you for sharing your story.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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A wonderful piece about working through the survival. Congratulations to you, too!! Rest while you can, and when you can, . .in the long run, it will help. Sounds like your dog is a great help and comfort. Thank you for sharing your story.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from FredCollingwood
Some males are men; some aren't. What a powerful story. I can tell it's written from the heart and it gets to the hearts of your readers.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Some males are men; some aren't. What a powerful story. I can tell it's written from the heart and it gets to the hearts of your readers.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Jnetgame
Great story. I love stories that have a happpy ending. I got a good sense of the characters and it flowed well. I'm glad you are feeling pretty well. Thanks for sharing this story.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Great story. I love stories that have a happpy ending. I got a good sense of the characters and it flowed well. I'm glad you are feeling pretty well. Thanks for sharing this story.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Helen Tan
I'm glad to hear you're doing well under treatment. Rest as much as you can. Hugs from Singapore.
It's easy to understand why she's so conscious about losing her breast. I guess society places too much emphasis on body beautiful, we forget that health - life is more beautiful.
Great Pyrenees
I saw one of them during a trip to the States last year and it's bear size next to me.
Jasmine Morgan picked at her salad, set her fork down, and then walked into the bedroom.
Suggest you give better grounding by letting the reader know where Jasmine was before walking into the bedroom. By adding say - "set her fork down on the dining table/ kitchen counter/coffee table..." would serve this purpose.
She ran toward the car.
Consider "raced" as it suggests greater speed and she is racing to get to safety before the bear reaches her.
If it stops, in a few weeks, ok,
OK - capital letters.
"Then let's deal with it. Jasmine, you have the ball. Why don't you take a chance and run with it?"
I like this line - it's inspiring.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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I'm glad to hear you're doing well under treatment. Rest as much as you can. Hugs from Singapore.
It's easy to understand why she's so conscious about losing her breast. I guess society places too much emphasis on body beautiful, we forget that health - life is more beautiful.
Great Pyrenees
I saw one of them during a trip to the States last year and it's bear size next to me.
Jasmine Morgan picked at her salad, set her fork down, and then walked into the bedroom.
Suggest you give better grounding by letting the reader know where Jasmine was before walking into the bedroom. By adding say - "set her fork down on the dining table/ kitchen counter/coffee table..." would serve this purpose.
She ran toward the car.
Consider "raced" as it suggests greater speed and she is racing to get to safety before the bear reaches her.
If it stops, in a few weeks, ok,
OK - capital letters.
"Then let's deal with it. Jasmine, you have the ball. Why don't you take a chance and run with it?"
I like this line - it's inspiring.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your eagle eye. I appreciate it. I have my second chemo on Thursday. I hope your life has settled down a little.
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How many treatments are you going through? Make sure you rest.
Life at my end is very rough at the moment. My dad's depressed and frustrated, it rubs off on my sister and me. I never know what kind of temper I have to face on the daily hospital visits. I'm also going through options for Shaun. A big mess but I'm trying to take it step by step.
Stay well. =D
Comment from Tellis
This was a great story and I didn't know what the predator waqs until the very end. There seemed to be some skipped places in this story but I still got the gist of it.
Tellis
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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This was a great story and I didn't know what the predator waqs until the very end. There seemed to be some skipped places in this story but I still got the gist of it.
Tellis
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2010
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I will recheck the story. It needed to be finished in under 1500 words. I struggle with that.
