The Predator
A young woman starts a new life.108 total reviews
Comment from animatqua
This is a good story, and a great way to sword fight with the demon, so to speak. Smack him good, Barbara. We need your romances, hey? Especially when they are so uplifting.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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This is a good story, and a great way to sword fight with the demon, so to speak. Smack him good, Barbara. We need your romances, hey? Especially when they are so uplifting.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and encouragement.
Comment from koneart
I REALLY like this. Please don't take offense. I made a few suggestions. You'll find them in [ ]s throughout the story. I think you have something here. Very nice. Kone
Out of nowhere, a large white animal galloped toward her. "Help! A bear!" She ran toward the car. The animal leaned into her, forcing her to turn. "Help! Somebody help!" She fell; using her arms [comma] she protected her face.
I don't have a choice. "I'm the new loan officer at the Blue Bonnet Bank." [Check this sentence out. Did you want quote marks earlier?]
Jasmine backed onto the street. Eli's kind, [delete comma] has a great sense of humor, and he's handsome. What am I thinking? If he discovered how I'm maimed, he'll run the other direction.
*****
"Ex? - [you have a dash here. Do you want it?] May I ask what happened?"
"He preferred bikini clad blondes over intelligence." She avoided eye contact. "Why aren't you married?" There's no way I'm discussing my mutilated body. [suggestion: add: she thought to herself]
"I don't know what you're talking about." She took a bite of steak, as tears filled her eyes. [I would delete ' . . .as tears filled her eyes.' It's used so often. I bet you can think of something more unique] "I think it's time I leave." She moved the chair away from the table.
He scooted closer and wiped the tear with his napkin. "Don't leave. What's your secret? It can't be that bad." [this would work! Delete the above 'tear filled her eyes' and let this sentence say it all]
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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I REALLY like this. Please don't take offense. I made a few suggestions. You'll find them in [ ]s throughout the story. I think you have something here. Very nice. Kone
Out of nowhere, a large white animal galloped toward her. "Help! A bear!" She ran toward the car. The animal leaned into her, forcing her to turn. "Help! Somebody help!" She fell; using her arms [comma] she protected her face.
I don't have a choice. "I'm the new loan officer at the Blue Bonnet Bank." [Check this sentence out. Did you want quote marks earlier?]
Jasmine backed onto the street. Eli's kind, [delete comma] has a great sense of humor, and he's handsome. What am I thinking? If he discovered how I'm maimed, he'll run the other direction.
*****
"Ex? - [you have a dash here. Do you want it?] May I ask what happened?"
"He preferred bikini clad blondes over intelligence." She avoided eye contact. "Why aren't you married?" There's no way I'm discussing my mutilated body. [suggestion: add: she thought to herself]
"I don't know what you're talking about." She took a bite of steak, as tears filled her eyes. [I would delete ' . . .as tears filled her eyes.' It's used so often. I bet you can think of something more unique] "I think it's time I leave." She moved the chair away from the table.
He scooted closer and wiped the tear with his napkin. "Don't leave. What's your secret? It can't be that bad." [this would work! Delete the above 'tear filled her eyes' and let this sentence say it all]
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Most of these I already corrected. I was probably doing it while you were reviewing. Thank you for your eagle eye.
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You know, I would think about seeing if there's a women's magazine that might use this story. It's a little short. You could lengthen it....just a suggestion.
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I am entering it in a contest, the word limit is 1500. I am at 1483. I struggled to keep it below 1500. It would be easy to extend it.
Comment from wiccgypsy1
Great story and dialogue! I felt instantly attracted to the character's background story and wondered where it would go. Real people and real life problems draw the reader in. It seems nowadays we all know someone that has been tested by things like this and that makes it very easy to relate too. Terrific job!
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Great story and dialogue! I felt instantly attracted to the character's background story and wondered where it would go. Real people and real life problems draw the reader in. It seems nowadays we all know someone that has been tested by things like this and that makes it very easy to relate too. Terrific job!
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from KayteeF
Well done my friend.
They say that everything we write comes from life's experiences.
You have proved this here.
Your main character has been through the mill and it has really affected her confidence. For her weak horrible husband it has been too much for his ego. I hope this bit is not from true life.
By the way, I am glad to hear you are back on track, back you FS. I have missed you.
Please take care. Regards, Cathleen
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Well done my friend.
They say that everything we write comes from life's experiences.
You have proved this here.
Your main character has been through the mill and it has really affected her confidence. For her weak horrible husband it has been too much for his ego. I hope this bit is not from true life.
By the way, I am glad to hear you are back on track, back you FS. I have missed you.
Please take care. Regards, Cathleen
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I have my second chemo treatment Thursday.
Comment from hfriscia
Wow, this is really good piece...An inspiring and happy allureing writing...A nice and happy ending always works in this stories...There are no mistakes in this piece...
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Wow, this is really good piece...An inspiring and happy allureing writing...A nice and happy ending always works in this stories...There are no mistakes in this piece...
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciat your kind words.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Barbara, interesting story. It is sad how her ex husband dumped her, and it is good for her to start a new life. Good description of her first encounter with Sam and its owner! And most of all, I love the way you let us wonder what the predator was until the end. (I'm glad you did well with your first chemo.)
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Hi, Barbara, interesting story. It is sad how her ex husband dumped her, and it is good for her to start a new life. Good description of her first encounter with Sam and its owner! And most of all, I love the way you let us wonder what the predator was until the end. (I'm glad you did well with your first chemo.)
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
this is a beautifully written story. One typo why is there a 1483 at the end of the very last line. Your story paints a picture in the readers head. Excellent narrative, great dialogue and very good descriptive writing. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. How ironic his mother died of breast cancer when he was 24. I hope your doing fine because I'm praying for you, my friend. Here's my cheer. Beat that cancer!!!!! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Barbara,
this is a beautifully written story. One typo why is there a 1483 at the end of the very last line. Your story paints a picture in the readers head. Excellent narrative, great dialogue and very good descriptive writing. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. How ironic his mother died of breast cancer when he was 24. I hope your doing fine because I'm praying for you, my friend. Here's my cheer. Beat that cancer!!!!! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!.
Melissa.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Your prayers are felt. I need that strength. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from adewpearl
A 160 pound dog?? You're right, that's a bear! LOL
What a romantic story, Barbara - sounds like this dog is one helluva matchmaker. How sad that some men are so superficial that they cannot deal with a wife's scarring, which should be worn like a badge of courage and victory, for surviving what might have killed a woman but did not. Excellent dialogue, a strong narrative voice, good humor, warm romance - this story has a lot going for it, not to mention a life-affirming message. I'm so glad to hear you're doing so well, my beautiful friend :-) Brooke
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reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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A 160 pound dog?? You're right, that's a bear! LOL
What a romantic story, Barbara - sounds like this dog is one helluva matchmaker. How sad that some men are so superficial that they cannot deal with a wife's scarring, which should be worn like a badge of courage and victory, for surviving what might have killed a woman but did not. Excellent dialogue, a strong narrative voice, good humor, warm romance - this story has a lot going for it, not to mention a life-affirming message. I'm so glad to hear you're doing so well, my beautiful friend :-) Brooke
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2010
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Thank you Brooke for you kind review. I am going to PM you, I have a question.
