Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Chaptet 9; part two"Can love survive small town gossip?
71 total reviews
Comment from Nicnac
(I'm playing catch-up. Sorry -- Nanowrimo month is keeping me busy - and away from FS for the most part. I hope to catch up today though.)
This is excellent, Barbara. I couldn't stop reading. This story is beginning to move fast and I'm fully invested. You described Joe's exhaustion very well. His quick short answers show it nicely.
Poor Cassie. I'm glad some girls were rescued from this terrible ring, but I hope they get to her in time too.
Well written chapter.
Though I haven't been on FS lately, please know I am still praying for you. Big hugs,
Nic
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2010
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(I'm playing catch-up. Sorry -- Nanowrimo month is keeping me busy - and away from FS for the most part. I hope to catch up today though.)
This is excellent, Barbara. I couldn't stop reading. This story is beginning to move fast and I'm fully invested. You described Joe's exhaustion very well. His quick short answers show it nicely.
Poor Cassie. I'm glad some girls were rescued from this terrible ring, but I hope they get to her in time too.
Well written chapter.
Though I haven't been on FS lately, please know I am still praying for you. Big hugs,
Nic
Comment Written 16-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2010
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I have really missed you. Please find time for your old friends again.
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absolutely! I've missed you. :)
Comment from Realist101
Dearest one, I wish I could get caught up...I am so sorry. And I do wish I could make you all well. Your writing is so good, I am so impressed. I read your work, and see just how much I really have to learn. I will PM you later...thinking of you with love. Susan
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Dearest one, I wish I could get caught up...I am so sorry. And I do wish I could make you all well. Your writing is so good, I am so impressed. I read your work, and see just how much I really have to learn. I will PM you later...thinking of you with love. Susan
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I am behind too.
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") I do understand! Smiles!! XO. S.
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
Hello, Barbara. See your feeling up to writing--which is great. Your story is as great as ever: Great emotion between Joe and Sara; very good narration. Fine job with this chapter. Get well.
Isaiah
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Hello, Barbara. See your feeling up to writing--which is great. Your story is as great as ever: Great emotion between Joe and Sara; very good narration. Fine job with this chapter. Get well.
Isaiah
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from RebelRose
I wish I could give you a hug also if it would give you strength. You are obviously a strong woman to not give in, to continue to write and post so we can enjoy this wonderful story. Thank you for that.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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I wish I could give you a hug also if it would give you strength. You are obviously a strong woman to not give in, to continue to write and post so we can enjoy this wonderful story. Thank you for that.
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind revuiew.
Comment from Lou Briggs
Your dialogue is written so professionally, and you don't flood the page with "said" and "reply". Great job, enticing story, and believable characters.
I wish you the very, very best of luck in your fight!
-Lou
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Your dialogue is written so professionally, and you don't flood the page with "said" and "reply". Great job, enticing story, and believable characters.
I wish you the very, very best of luck in your fight!
-Lou
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Jonez08
Great chapter, Barbara. You're moving the story forward and the tension builds. The call she received drives the plot nicely. Great emotions between Joe and Sara. I'm surprised to see you writing. It's nothing short of amazing. I hope you're feeling better soon.
Sorry(,) Sara. Joe's trailing a possible suspect
"If it'll make you feel better."
(lol...nice line)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Great chapter, Barbara. You're moving the story forward and the tension builds. The call she received drives the plot nicely. Great emotions between Joe and Sara. I'm surprised to see you writing. It's nothing short of amazing. I hope you're feeling better soon.
Sorry(,) Sara. Joe's trailing a possible suspect
"If it'll make you feel better."
(lol...nice line)
Cassandra
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Hey, I have been wondering about that comma. I know it SHOULD be there, but since the senctence is only two words, my guidance is less it better. I am not sure what to do. Anyway, this story is already finished. All I do is edit and re edit.
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I agree with less is often better, but I haven't checked in this instance..hmmm. If I find anything I'll let you know. Take care of yourself!
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I agree with less is often better, but I haven't checked in this instance..hmmm. If I find anything I'll let you know. Take care of yourself!
Comment from nora arjuna
love conflict can be stressful, especially at the time when you need it most. Another nice chapter. Just to mention that maybe you should not reveal George's thoughts here which let us the readers know what happens to the girl:
I can't tell her the evidence led us to believe Cassie was abducted to use in child pornography videos. Dani's working overtime to find the headquarters of this pornography ring.
now we're no longer in that much suspense. :)
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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love conflict can be stressful, especially at the time when you need it most. Another nice chapter. Just to mention that maybe you should not reveal George's thoughts here which let us the readers know what happens to the girl:
I can't tell her the evidence led us to believe Cassie was abducted to use in child pornography videos. Dani's working overtime to find the headquarters of this pornography ring.
now we're no longer in that much suspense. :)
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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HUMMM, I will consider that. I hadn't thought about it. I still have some mystery to go.
Comment from G. Eleck
Well done on another fantastic story... It really held my interest... I hadn't read the other chapters before so I read them today... Thanks for a great read.
Thanks G :)
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Well done on another fantastic story... It really held my interest... I hadn't read the other chapters before so I read them today... Thanks for a great read.
Thanks G :)
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from fictionwriter
Poor Sara has to be beside herself. Great tension in this chapter. I enjoyed the read. Just some nits here, hope all is well.
Within ten minutes(,) the front door opened, Sara jumped up.(comma splice) "Joe?"
Sorry(,) Sara. Joe's
Hopefully(,) they can tell us who called
but don't you trust Joe enough to do whatever he can to bring your daughter back alive?"(not quite clear. I think it would be better if you said. Don't you trust Joe enough to know he'll do whatever it takes to bring your daughter back alive?")
Sara lay across her bed(,) waiting for Joe to return(delete , add .) (B)but exhaustion took over, and she fell asleep.
It was after midnight(delete ,) when a noise woke her.
(YOu just used when in the end of the last sentence so I'd drop it here) When she walked into the living room, she saw Joe was on the couch wearing dark gray sweat pants and a white athletic T-shirt.
He knew it needed stitches, but didn't want to take the time to go to the emergency room.(delete the comma or add a subject to the second half of the sentence)
(Your last sentece began with he, vary the sentence structure here) He crept toward Sara's bedroom and knocked on the door. There was no answer.
think we're putting so much pressure on them(,) they keep
I like all the colors(,) but I'm not sure I like them in the same room."
He turned toward his car, then glanced back at Sara standing in the door. (delete the comma or add a subject after it.)
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
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Poor Sara has to be beside herself. Great tension in this chapter. I enjoyed the read. Just some nits here, hope all is well.
Within ten minutes(,) the front door opened, Sara jumped up.(comma splice) "Joe?"
Sorry(,) Sara. Joe's
Hopefully(,) they can tell us who called
but don't you trust Joe enough to do whatever he can to bring your daughter back alive?"(not quite clear. I think it would be better if you said. Don't you trust Joe enough to know he'll do whatever it takes to bring your daughter back alive?")
Sara lay across her bed(,) waiting for Joe to return(delete , add .) (B)but exhaustion took over, and she fell asleep.
It was after midnight(delete ,) when a noise woke her.
(YOu just used when in the end of the last sentence so I'd drop it here) When she walked into the living room, she saw Joe was on the couch wearing dark gray sweat pants and a white athletic T-shirt.
He knew it needed stitches, but didn't want to take the time to go to the emergency room.(delete the comma or add a subject to the second half of the sentence)
(Your last sentece began with he, vary the sentence structure here) He crept toward Sara's bedroom and knocked on the door. There was no answer.
think we're putting so much pressure on them(,) they keep
I like all the colors(,) but I'm not sure I like them in the same room."
He turned toward his car, then glanced back at Sara standing in the door. (delete the comma or add a subject after it.)
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
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HUmmmmm, some of those commas I was told to add or delele. Interesting. I wish people would agree on whether they should be there or not. Oh Yea! on some of those commas there is no set rule it is a author's perference.
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I agree, there are those on this site that say things that aren't true. I'm just passing on some of the ones that I've learned, but all the rules can be broken, I've seen it in printed books. Hugs, joy
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I corrected the ones, I am sure off, and am waiting on some of the others to see if they get gigged too.
Comment from acvguard11
great job i see why this piece is recognized and an all time best..very well written ..great job and keep up the good work..hope to see more soon
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
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great job i see why this piece is recognized and an all time best..very well written ..great job and keep up the good work..hope to see more soon
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
