Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Chapter 9; part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
74 total reviews
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi barb, how are you doing with your operation and all. I've been too busy to come in here. Now I have a little time to check on a few friends. Poor Sara. I could relate to the difficult moments she's going through. Just one suggestion:
When Joe answered a knock on the front door, George asked, "Is Sara up?" [There was no answer so he continued], "She found out about last night's set back?"
When Joe answered a knock on the front door, George asked, "Is Sara up?" Getting no answer, he continued, "She found out about last night's set back?"
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Hi barb, how are you doing with your operation and all. I've been too busy to come in here. Now I have a little time to check on a few friends. Poor Sara. I could relate to the difficult moments she's going through. Just one suggestion:
When Joe answered a knock on the front door, George asked, "Is Sara up?" [There was no answer so he continued], "She found out about last night's set back?"
When Joe answered a knock on the front door, George asked, "Is Sara up?" Getting no answer, he continued, "She found out about last night's set back?"
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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I have been taking a huge hit over 'ing' words. Especially at the beginning of a sentence. That sentence orginally started with Getting. I don't know what to do.
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yes it's good to watch out for the 'ing' words, but there are instances where we can still use it, just not to overuse it. i thought 'there was no answer' sounds passive. maybe you can also try, 'when he got no answer...' but i still prefer 'getting no answer..'. anyway, it's your writing. :)
Comment from marcii
This chapter made one understand more of Sara's feelings, she is not afraid to show them in front of George and Joe.
It will make it harder to find Cassie as they had no choice but to shoot the suspects.
Marcii
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2010
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This chapter made one understand more of Sara's feelings, she is not afraid to show them in front of George and Joe.
It will make it harder to find Cassie as they had no choice but to shoot the suspects.
Marcii
Comment Written 31-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2010
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Again, thank you for your review.
Comment from zoocq
You are keeping me on pins and needle with your story...you are so adept at builing the suspense. It is making me carzy? My thought are with you during your rounds of chemo...just keeping looking to the other side of it. God bless you.
Sue
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2010
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You are keeping me on pins and needle with your story...you are so adept at builing the suspense. It is making me carzy? My thought are with you during your rounds of chemo...just keeping looking to the other side of it. God bless you.
Sue
Comment Written 28-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Fireshadow
Barbara, this is another terrific installment in this story. Very well penned with credible dialogue and excellent descriptions. Found no spag errors. Very well done, my friend.
Ama
P.S. Tomorrow you shall be surrounded by the Light, the prayers and the love that so many of your loved ones and FS community will be bestowing upon you. Though not an easy task, do your best to maintain your inner peace. All things in our life happen for a reason and at the appropriate time - whether we understand and/or accept this or not. You will be fine, my dear friend.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2010
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Barbara, this is another terrific installment in this story. Very well penned with credible dialogue and excellent descriptions. Found no spag errors. Very well done, my friend.
Ama
P.S. Tomorrow you shall be surrounded by the Light, the prayers and the love that so many of your loved ones and FS community will be bestowing upon you. Though not an easy task, do your best to maintain your inner peace. All things in our life happen for a reason and at the appropriate time - whether we understand and/or accept this or not. You will be fine, my dear friend.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and prayers. I appreciate both.
Comment from RebelRose
Another great chapter. That poor living room. I hope painting it proves to be good therapy for Sara. I will be thinking of you as you receive chemo.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2010
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Another great chapter. That poor living room. I hope painting it proves to be good therapy for Sara. I will be thinking of you as you receive chemo.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2010
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Thank you for your thoughts. I am not sure what color this living room will end up.
Comment from rama devi
BIG WARM HUGS and PRAYERS for you---Sending healing light your way. Chemo is not easy, but it does not last forever. In between sessions, you'll feel better. And so many friend on FS are contributing prayers. You'll be supported from on high.
Good chapter with fine dialog, flow and development but a few minor nits to note (below)
*"I'm not." He attempted, walking past as their bodies touched.
"attempted' is not a verb indicating speech. This sentence needs restructuring. Suggestion-
I'm not." He attempted to walk past and their bodies touched.
*She, again, slammed the door.
syntax sounds off. Suggestion-
Again, she slammed the door.
* "It's called suicide by (the) cop," he said loud enough, hoping she could hear.
Consider: he said loud enough for her to hear.
or : he said loud enough in hopes she would hear.
*Joe walked to the front sidewalk, then came back,(no ,) and knocked on Sara's bedroom door.
* Under his breath,(no ,) he added, "Like you would anyway."
*"You're probably right." She paused,(no ,) before she added, "I better think this through while I paint. Can I call him later?"
*"Open the 'Angel Food'; no(,) 'So Soft Lilac'; no."
Again, wish you smoothest possible treatment and a speedy recovery.
Love and prayers,
rd
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2010
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BIG WARM HUGS and PRAYERS for you---Sending healing light your way. Chemo is not easy, but it does not last forever. In between sessions, you'll feel better. And so many friend on FS are contributing prayers. You'll be supported from on high.
Good chapter with fine dialog, flow and development but a few minor nits to note (below)
*"I'm not." He attempted, walking past as their bodies touched.
"attempted' is not a verb indicating speech. This sentence needs restructuring. Suggestion-
I'm not." He attempted to walk past and their bodies touched.
*She, again, slammed the door.
syntax sounds off. Suggestion-
Again, she slammed the door.
* "It's called suicide by (the) cop," he said loud enough, hoping she could hear.
Consider: he said loud enough for her to hear.
or : he said loud enough in hopes she would hear.
*Joe walked to the front sidewalk, then came back,(no ,) and knocked on Sara's bedroom door.
* Under his breath,(no ,) he added, "Like you would anyway."
*"You're probably right." She paused,(no ,) before she added, "I better think this through while I paint. Can I call him later?"
*"Open the 'Angel Food'; no(,) 'So Soft Lilac'; no."
Again, wish you smoothest possible treatment and a speedy recovery.
Love and prayers,
rd
Comment Written 27-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2010
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Thank you for the kind review. Most of the nits I will change, but some of them I disagree with and so do my puncuation books.
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Please let me know---I love to learn and also apologize if there were errors. have not been up to speed this week.
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PS Probably the commas, right?
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Yes and no. "the suicide by cop" is the correct term, also.
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Really? sounds odd to my ear. Not sure I understand that one, but if you books say it is correct, then go with it. :) Love, rd
Comment from minopavlic
Barbara, firstly just to let you know. In my little corner of the world here in Vancouver, Canada, I will keep you in my prayers and you will be on the prayer list of my church.
Where two or more come together in one accord, ask and it shall be given.
The eloquence of your writing has in its own nature a mystifying, yet captivating magnetism which embraces me. I find myself captivated within your artistic form of expression.
Quality writing that complements the author
Mino
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2010
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Barbara, firstly just to let you know. In my little corner of the world here in Vancouver, Canada, I will keep you in my prayers and you will be on the prayer list of my church.
Where two or more come together in one accord, ask and it shall be given.
The eloquence of your writing has in its own nature a mystifying, yet captivating magnetism which embraces me. I find myself captivated within your artistic form of expression.
Quality writing that complements the author
Mino
Comment Written 27-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Arabellah
Hehehe I think that was funny when she was having a breakdown but I do understand how hard it is to pick a paint color. I haven't read any of the previous chapters, but I'm going to do that now because this story looks interesting.
Best wishes and thanks for the share
Arabellah
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2010
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Hehehe I think that was funny when she was having a breakdown but I do understand how hard it is to pick a paint color. I haven't read any of the previous chapters, but I'm going to do that now because this story looks interesting.
Best wishes and thanks for the share
Arabellah
Comment Written 27-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Jeanie
This is VERY well written! I have to be honest and tell you that I am extremely jealous by how well you can write dialogue. I always struggle with that. LOL. Anyways, GREAT WORK!
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2010
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This is VERY well written! I have to be honest and tell you that I am extremely jealous by how well you can write dialogue. I always struggle with that. LOL. Anyways, GREAT WORK!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from whitteron
I am immediately drawn in my the subtleties and the dialogue. The opening paragraph is a little awkward for me..
Except for the area shaven, the creamy foam covered his cheeks.
( omit...she saw only his right side)
She passed him and their bodies brushed again.
Joe entered the living room and saw Sara...
I know this is a matter of preference, but I don't like a lot of filler words, when less will give me the same info.
Because I haven't read the other chapters, I don't feel qualified to comment on the substance. I like the pace and where I believe it is going.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2010
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I am immediately drawn in my the subtleties and the dialogue. The opening paragraph is a little awkward for me..
Except for the area shaven, the creamy foam covered his cheeks.
( omit...she saw only his right side)
She passed him and their bodies brushed again.
Joe entered the living room and saw Sara...
I know this is a matter of preference, but I don't like a lot of filler words, when less will give me the same info.
Because I haven't read the other chapters, I don't feel qualified to comment on the substance. I like the pace and where I believe it is going.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2010
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Thank you for your review.
