Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Chapter 7; part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
73 total reviews
Comment from Meshe Nair
Well written. Didn't find any spag though or didn't come across any. This chapter is interesting from start to finish. I would like to know more.
Great read.
Meshe Nair
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Well written. Didn't find any spag though or didn't come across any. This chapter is interesting from start to finish. I would like to know more.
Great read.
Meshe Nair
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Your building up the tension in a very good chapter. Your characters are very realistic and the dialogue is excellent. You did a great job as always.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Your building up the tension in a very good chapter. Your characters are very realistic and the dialogue is excellent. You did a great job as always.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
Another good chapter. I noticed one area you may want to take a look at. ["She's falling apart. I'm on my way to track Cassie's last known path. I called Sara's parents, so she's not alone. I'm going to need a few extra days. I can't leave ...,"] - This sentence is kind of telling us what we already know.
Maybe ["She's falling apart. I'm going to need a few extra days. I can't leave ...," ] - might sound better.
This is just an opinion of course, but i think it would be more suspenseful and make more sense if Joe went to Angela's first, who admitted cassie arranged to meet someone, then went to Marcus's, figured out from the scene that Marcus is not the type to write sweet poems, went on to the burger palace, got the info from the waitress, and then called matt to ask about the drug cartels and asked him to bring dani.
The way you have it now is a bit contradictory, as Joe states here: [My gut says we could be dealing with an Internet predator."] and then here: ["She's missing and you're my first suspect."]
It just feels like you have told us the events the wrong way round and spoilt the element of surprise. I hope you don''t mind me saying this, i still enjoyed reading the story and you have left us wondering what has really happened to cassie and wanting to read the next chapter to find out.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Another good chapter. I noticed one area you may want to take a look at. ["She's falling apart. I'm on my way to track Cassie's last known path. I called Sara's parents, so she's not alone. I'm going to need a few extra days. I can't leave ...,"] - This sentence is kind of telling us what we already know.
Maybe ["She's falling apart. I'm going to need a few extra days. I can't leave ...," ] - might sound better.
This is just an opinion of course, but i think it would be more suspenseful and make more sense if Joe went to Angela's first, who admitted cassie arranged to meet someone, then went to Marcus's, figured out from the scene that Marcus is not the type to write sweet poems, went on to the burger palace, got the info from the waitress, and then called matt to ask about the drug cartels and asked him to bring dani.
The way you have it now is a bit contradictory, as Joe states here: [My gut says we could be dealing with an Internet predator."] and then here: ["She's missing and you're my first suspect."]
It just feels like you have told us the events the wrong way round and spoilt the element of surprise. I hope you don''t mind me saying this, i still enjoyed reading the story and you have left us wondering what has really happened to cassie and wanting to read the next chapter to find out.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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I made the changes on your first suggestion. I am going to wait and see what the other reviewers say on the second one, because Joe's gut says it's an internet predator. That's why he went to the hamburger joint first. Not really finding out anything he went to Angela's. He went to Marcus's just to make sure it wasn't him. He told him he's his first suspect to pick on the kid. If more reviews question it I will change it.
Comment from c_lucas
Congratulations on your health news. This story focuses on the dangers our young people face when unsupervised on the internet, or at an unsupervised party. This is very well writtn with good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Congratulations on your health news. This story focuses on the dangers our young people face when unsupervised on the internet, or at an unsupervised party. This is very well writtn with good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and support.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from FredCollingwood
I can't imagine the anxiety of not knowing where your daughter is. Add in the threat of the cartel and it really intensifies. Another excellent post, Barbara.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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I can't imagine the anxiety of not knowing where your daughter is. Add in the threat of the cartel and it really intensifies. Another excellent post, Barbara.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Belinda
Barbara, it is really a wonder that you can go on writing something as exciting as this in your present condition. This story is going somewhere. I'm glad to hear the good news and wish you would recover soon.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Barbara, it is really a wonder that you can go on writing something as exciting as this in your present condition. This story is going somewhere. I'm glad to hear the good news and wish you would recover soon.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. This novel is complete. All I have to do is edit.
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Cheers for you. You work professionally.
Comment from Ponder
Hi Barbara,
I'm delighted to hear that you are over your surgery and recovering nicely. Fingers crossed that that will be the last time yous enter the surgical theatre! I'm impressed that you are up and about and writing again so soon. You are an inspiration.
I'm glad you've kicked the pace of the story up a notch with the dissapearence of Cassie, this is a great way to add drama and intrigue to the story and also works as a point of conflict for Joe and Sara to use to get closer. Roll on the next chapter,
Jules
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Hi Barbara,
I'm delighted to hear that you are over your surgery and recovering nicely. Fingers crossed that that will be the last time yous enter the surgical theatre! I'm impressed that you are up and about and writing again so soon. You are an inspiration.
I'm glad you've kicked the pace of the story up a notch with the dissapearence of Cassie, this is a great way to add drama and intrigue to the story and also works as a point of conflict for Joe and Sara to use to get closer. Roll on the next chapter,
Jules
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I already have the novel completed. I just needed to edit.
Comment from dportwood
barbara.wilkey,
An exciting chapter like this never bogs down as action is constant. The reader is drawn into the concern about what happened to Cassie. Well done.
Duane
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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barbara.wilkey,
An exciting chapter like this never bogs down as action is constant. The reader is drawn into the concern about what happened to Cassie. Well done.
Duane
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Kelly Shackelford
I love this chapter. It pulled me right along for an emtional ride. The characters are getting stronger and you ability to make them come to live for me.:> Glad to hear you ar slowly getting better
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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I love this chapter. It pulled me right along for an emtional ride. The characters are getting stronger and you ability to make them come to live for me.:> Glad to hear you ar slowly getting better
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I wish my recovery would go faster, but I will take what I can get.
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Barbara ....
First of all, the news that you have shared in your Notes is wonderful and thank you for telling us.
This is a generally well-written chapter in your book which I enjoyed reading and I have given you 5 stars, trusting that you will consider the few changes recommended ...
* You have - As he exited, he called .... the word
'exited' is being widely used on FanStory these days but I really believe that "As he left, he called ..." would be much better.
* You have - "Let's see"maybe around five feet ... this should be - "Let's see - maybe around five feet ....
* You have - but his accent was different than the usual ... this should be - his accent was different from the usual (it is always different from - never different than) ...
* You have - Marcus eyes met Joe's ... this should be -
Marcus' eyes met Joe's ...
Now, I look forward to the next chapter.
Love from ..... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Hullo Barbara ....
First of all, the news that you have shared in your Notes is wonderful and thank you for telling us.
This is a generally well-written chapter in your book which I enjoyed reading and I have given you 5 stars, trusting that you will consider the few changes recommended ...
* You have - As he exited, he called .... the word
'exited' is being widely used on FanStory these days but I really believe that "As he left, he called ..." would be much better.
* You have - "Let's see"maybe around five feet ... this should be - "Let's see - maybe around five feet ....
* You have - but his accent was different than the usual ... this should be - his accent was different from the usual (it is always different from - never different than) ...
* You have - Marcus eyes met Joe's ... this should be -
Marcus' eyes met Joe's ...
Now, I look forward to the next chapter.
Love from ..... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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I will make those changes. I used exited because left has always been corrected, but I will change it back to left. Thank you for your review.
