not necessarily narcissistic
The heart has reasons of which reason has no knowledge23 total reviews
Comment from djsaxon
This has the wow factor for me! A beautiful economcal write. Not too comfortable with the spacing, though. Given that it is free verse, I would tend to play with the shape of the piece. eg:
what is it that you seek in such a crystal clear pool
what captivates
intrigues
beguiles
do you see your lover's shadow
or the countenance of a fool
who is it that owns your wistful smile
is it infatuation or just pure folly
perfection seeking its twin in the nearest mirror
does your heart yearn for love
as intangible as an echo
as fragile as a flower
the answers don't matter
I'm content to just observe you being in love
so hopelessly
imagining scenarios with the object of your desire
and pretending she is me
By doing this, or similar, your beautiful words ring more effectively, I think. Sorry. Very presumptious of me. I just think that a new shape would totally polarise the thrust. Don't change a word. Have a look at Maureen Napier's gentle portfolio. Cheers - DJ
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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This has the wow factor for me! A beautiful economcal write. Not too comfortable with the spacing, though. Given that it is free verse, I would tend to play with the shape of the piece. eg:
what is it that you seek in such a crystal clear pool
what captivates
intrigues
beguiles
do you see your lover's shadow
or the countenance of a fool
who is it that owns your wistful smile
is it infatuation or just pure folly
perfection seeking its twin in the nearest mirror
does your heart yearn for love
as intangible as an echo
as fragile as a flower
the answers don't matter
I'm content to just observe you being in love
so hopelessly
imagining scenarios with the object of your desire
and pretending she is me
By doing this, or similar, your beautiful words ring more effectively, I think. Sorry. Very presumptious of me. I just think that a new shape would totally polarise the thrust. Don't change a word. Have a look at Maureen Napier's gentle portfolio. Cheers - DJ
Comment Written 25-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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Thanks so much for this in depth and wonderful review, it made my day! This is my favourite poem, (of mine) and it matters to me if it's appreciated by the readers; your six star award was icing on the cake and much appreciated.
I am toying with the idea of the presentation; I think we poets can be a little precious about our babies (poems) but the reason I came on to this site was to learn and try and see other's perspective. I'm glad you had no word changes tho, for each and every one of them was laboured over for ages!!
Let me play with it a bit and I'll let you know what I come up with. Thanks again for such a glowing and positive review; I am positively glowing myself now! :) Regards, Jan.
Comment from madhatter1977
I think this is a terrific take on the Narcissus myth, the imagery and knowledge of the tale are excellent and it really works as a poem with or without the explanatory notes. Very well done!
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2013
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I think this is a terrific take on the Narcissus myth, the imagery and knowledge of the tale are excellent and it really works as a poem with or without the explanatory notes. Very well done!
Comment Written 13-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2013
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Thankyou Madhatter, I appreciate your positive review very much. I was so happy to find the alternative story for Narcissis, it made for intersting discussion. Regards, Jan
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is an interesting poem. The author creates a very readable piece for the reader in this story. It is well laid out and formatted. This reads well and grabs the attention.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2013
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This is an interesting poem. The author creates a very readable piece for the reader in this story. It is well laid out and formatted. This reads well and grabs the attention.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2013
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Thankyou for your positive feedback it's much appreciated. Regards Jan
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My pleasure.
Comment from Gungalo
Very good writing and definitely free verse. It's a wonderful story and many endings but the most popular one is here. Echo was the clue I believe.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2013
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Very good writing and definitely free verse. It's a wonderful story and many endings but the most popular one is here. Echo was the clue I believe.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2013
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Just one of the clues and yes, :), I think I like this version of the story best, as outlined in my notes; it's kinder to think he was pining after his twin who had died than the other version. Thanks so much for for you review, it is much appreciated. Regars, Jan
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Smile.
Comment from Black_Oxygen
Well Done ~ Janelle
This poetry cause the reader to pause and think. It flows
smoothly and the reader-friendly language makes it easy
to comprehend. The attached photo is a nice accent for
the piece. Thank You for your creation.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2013
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Well Done ~ Janelle
This poetry cause the reader to pause and think. It flows
smoothly and the reader-friendly language makes it easy
to comprehend. The attached photo is a nice accent for
the piece. Thank You for your creation.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2013
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Thankyou for your positive feedback, I appreciate your taking the time to review my poem. Regards, Jam
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
A lovely poem, a lovely picture and very interesting and lengthy author notes. I found your last paragraph of author notes interesting. Where would scholars get that information from I wonder. I'll stick with the old, original story. I particularly liked your last stanza. Regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2013
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A lovely poem, a lovely picture and very interesting and lengthy author notes. I found your last paragraph of author notes interesting. Where would scholars get that information from I wonder. I'll stick with the old, original story. I particularly liked your last stanza. Regards Dorothy
Comment Written 11-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2013
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Thank you for your positive feedback Dorothy, it is much appreciated. I Googled Narcissis and found the alternative version of his story amongst the realm of info on him. It intrigued me as I have often thought that any given story can have many different perspectives, it can sometimes depend on the person who is listening/reading it! :) Regards Jan
Comment from Rondeno
This is an interesting take on the Narcissus legend, and you have an innovative poetic style. Well done - and please post some more!
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2013
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This is an interesting take on the Narcissus legend, and you have an innovative poetic style. Well done - and please post some more!
Comment Written 11-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2013
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Thankyou for your positive feedback, I appreciate your comments very much. (I will be posting again very soon!) :) Regards Jan
Comment from Cry the Vile Rebel
I am loving this empathetic treatment of a character that has a deeper foundation than what his name has come to symbolize in modern times.
Your author's notes are genuinely helpful and offer truly useful background info that frames your poem without messing with its artistry.
Your very careful placement of the words on the page speaks of a poet that considers each and every syllable and marks you as a person after my own heart. Those spaces are almost as powerful as the words you penned.
In this poem you have accomplished so much... the retelling of a tale, a very subtle rhyming scheme, and, perhaps a gentle reminder that there may be more to a story than surface clich©. Thank you for sharing this.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2013
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I am loving this empathetic treatment of a character that has a deeper foundation than what his name has come to symbolize in modern times.
Your author's notes are genuinely helpful and offer truly useful background info that frames your poem without messing with its artistry.
Your very careful placement of the words on the page speaks of a poet that considers each and every syllable and marks you as a person after my own heart. Those spaces are almost as powerful as the words you penned.
In this poem you have accomplished so much... the retelling of a tale, a very subtle rhyming scheme, and, perhaps a gentle reminder that there may be more to a story than surface clich©. Thank you for sharing this.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2013
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Thankyou for your detailed and glowing review. I am so pleased that you enjoyed, what is my favourite of all my poems. It is always gratifying when somenone appreciates not only the words, but the whole concept and texture of a poem and I appreciate the time and effort you went to in reviewing my work. The six star rating is icing on the cake! Thanks again, :) Regards, Jan
Comment from Evelyn Fort Stewart
I would say your author's notes are very educational as I had never heard any of the story. This is well-written and flows well. God loves you and I do too.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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I would say your author's notes are very educational as I had never heard any of the story. This is well-written and flows well. God loves you and I do too.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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Thankyou so much for your positive review, it is very much appreciated. Regards, Jan
Comment from Righteous Riter
Although this piece has no rhyming, it flows well. The photo compliments the piece well as the words bring the photo to life. The message is easy to understand as the authors notes bring more clarity to the message. Good job.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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Although this piece has no rhyming, it flows well. The photo compliments the piece well as the words bring the photo to life. The message is easy to understand as the authors notes bring more clarity to the message. Good job.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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Thankyou for your kind words and positive feedback, I really appdreciate you taking the trouble to review my poem. The rhyming at the end of each line. Regards Jan
