Said The Spider To The Fly
Fly away, little one, run for your life.30 total reviews
Comment from AnnaLinda
Susan,
Well, you certainly are a fantastic writer and though I deplore spiders, this was very creatively written and
wherever did you get that strange photo? You have great
descriptive word choices and 'splattering' vivid ending:)
I particularly liked this line:
"seeking refuge in the dirty basement of her tiny heart"
and your phrase:
"mortgaged her soul"
I only have one teeny tiny suggestion here:
"she could sense an urgency, an eagerness that felt somehow wrong"
To perhaps use the word 'awry' or another word in place of wrong.
Great job friend!
Linda
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
  |
Susan,
Well, you certainly are a fantastic writer and though I deplore spiders, this was very creatively written and
wherever did you get that strange photo? You have great
descriptive word choices and 'splattering' vivid ending:)
I particularly liked this line:
"seeking refuge in the dirty basement of her tiny heart"
and your phrase:
"mortgaged her soul"
I only have one teeny tiny suggestion here:
"she could sense an urgency, an eagerness that felt somehow wrong"
To perhaps use the word 'awry' or another word in place of wrong.
Great job friend!
Linda
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Hi Linda!! Wasn't this picture strange?? I could not resist it, rather than a real spider photo. And I agree, there are a few things to improve on with this , this is why I went ahead with it, for help! ") Thank you so much!! I appreciate!! HUGS! Susan
-
You are welcome...I said teeny tiny:)
-
") HUG! S.
Comment from Halfree
I found it hard to get into this story. I have no deep feeling or concern about whacking a fly. The spider is of some help to society when he eats a fly. The story is written pretty well, I don't think a soulless spider can be be sent to hell... then I might be wrong, Anyway the story is written pretty well...Just didn't do much for me.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
 |
I found it hard to get into this story. I have no deep feeling or concern about whacking a fly. The spider is of some help to society when he eats a fly. The story is written pretty well, I don't think a soulless spider can be be sent to hell... then I might be wrong, Anyway the story is written pretty well...Just didn't do much for me.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Hi there, I feel this is an attack, and perhaps you should not have reviewed this. We are supposed to judge each other on technical merit, not whether or not we like the subject. If this is "pretty well written", why the four? It is classed a fantasy, maybe you should read everything? Thank you anyway. Susan
-
No attack intended, I think you write very well, the story was hard to get into and I know it sounds like a contradiction with four.I don't understand "technical merit" pleas tell me about technical merit. I am relatively new at this review thing and I do not want to cause discomfort for you or any one, Susan. Give me a pointer to some of your other work..would like to read some.
Comment from Judian James
Good one Sue. Not my genre at all but you had me hooked with the photo and then your words drew me in instantly as the spider did the fly. One little thing I'd change is to delete the line, "on the barstool rung" and let it be the spider and fly within your marvelous metaphor. As it is now, it's a tad confusing when it needn't be. Just a thought. Really good piece of writing!!
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
|
Good one Sue. Not my genre at all but you had me hooked with the photo and then your words drew me in instantly as the spider did the fly. One little thing I'd change is to delete the line, "on the barstool rung" and let it be the spider and fly within your marvelous metaphor. As it is now, it's a tad confusing when it needn't be. Just a thought. Really good piece of writing!!
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Hi Judian! thanks!! I agree, and will change this!! I am jotting down all suggestions, to make it a bit better? I sure do appreciate your help!! I really respect your opinions! Love you! Susan
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
I am quite fond of spiders so long as they keep a respectable distance from me. Why; because they eat flies.
In some ways the spider in your story seems like a metaphor for a predatory male with the fly being the naive but innocent victim. Of course, I also put two and two together with 'bar' and 'fly,' hence bar-fly.
Hope all predators come to a similar end to the spider.
Enjoyable read.
Juliette
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
|
I am quite fond of spiders so long as they keep a respectable distance from me. Why; because they eat flies.
In some ways the spider in your story seems like a metaphor for a predatory male with the fly being the naive but innocent victim. Of course, I also put two and two together with 'bar' and 'fly,' hence bar-fly.
Hope all predators come to a similar end to the spider.
Enjoyable read.
Juliette
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Hi Juliette! Thank you so much!! I have tried to be a little LESS scared of spiders, but when I see the huge wolf spiders I just go nuts! They do get huge, around here, up to 4 inches across! I almost touched one late one night as I was closing our barn up!!! Ohhhhhh!!!! It gave me the willies!!! Thank you for reading this Juliette!! ") HUG!! Susan
Comment from Meshe Nair
This is an excellent story. I wish you had put this in the contest. It would have been a good flash fiction. I think the saying that what goes around comes around is true.
Anyways, it was a great read.
Meshe Nair
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
|
This is an excellent story. I wish you had put this in the contest. It would have been a good flash fiction. I think the saying that what goes around comes around is true.
Anyways, it was a great read.
Meshe Nair
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Hi Meshe!! Yes! You are right! Thanks so much, it's really nice to know you liked this, it's just for fun, and practice? I have a lot to learn! ") Smiles! Susan
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Susan:)
I really enjoyed the story while it was a contest,in fact almost an exquisite dance, between the spider and the fly, but felt it was weak when the spider should have detected his enemy before the end came, instead of sitting still once the light was turned on.
This was a well-written and SPAG-free flash fiction story.
Roger
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
|
Hi Susan:)
I really enjoyed the story while it was a contest,in fact almost an exquisite dance, between the spider and the fly, but felt it was weak when the spider should have detected his enemy before the end came, instead of sitting still once the light was turned on.
This was a well-written and SPAG-free flash fiction story.
Roger
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Hi Roger! How are you? I thank you for this kind and helpful reveiw! I wanted to tell you, as I wrote this I was imagining a wolf spider. They of course, dont' get quite this large, only about four inces sometimes, but they really do freeze when someone gets close. I almost put my hand on one out in our barn a few weeks ago as I started to push the huge sliding door shut! ") I almost passed out with intense revulsion...it had legs over 3 inches long...and it just SAT THERE!!! It only moved when I went to hit it with a horse brush. And I missed!!!! Ahhhhhhh! ANyway, so glad you liked this! I wanted to do something different! ") Susan
Comment from anne1204
I thought it was great. Of course, it was hard to root for the fly, as I can't stand them either. But this was good story telling. One sentence that seemed a bit awkward was "she was agape with an odd sense of fear". Check it out. Anne 1204
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
|
I thought it was great. Of course, it was hard to root for the fly, as I can't stand them either. But this was good story telling. One sentence that seemed a bit awkward was "she was agape with an odd sense of fear". Check it out. Anne 1204
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Hi Anne! thank you! I will read that again! Maybe agape is the wrong word? Don't know where that came from?? Thank you again, your help is great!! ") Susan
Comment from humpwhistle
I have conflicting impressions about this piece. On the one hand it seems like a metaphor for the "bar scene", but on the other hand it seems to be truly about a spider, a fly and a fat wheezing bartender. Am I missing something?
Peace, Lee
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
|
I have conflicting impressions about this piece. On the one hand it seems like a metaphor for the "bar scene", but on the other hand it seems to be truly about a spider, a fly and a fat wheezing bartender. Am I missing something?
Peace, Lee
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Hi Lee, it's just sattire, that's all. Dark humor. I wanted the reader to wonder, if this could be a person at first? When in fact it is a simple spider? I do see your point tho. Thank you for letting me know what you see? ") Susan
Comment from misscookie
What a story, It had my attention all the way.
I love how you described each critter movement and my face change with discuss when it was kill
this was a good write.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
|
What a story, It had my attention all the way.
I love how you described each critter movement and my face change with discuss when it was kill
this was a good write.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Hi Cookie! Thank YOU! I am thrilled to have you review for me! This was a fun one, I was trying for dark? humor...and found that really strange picture!! LORD! What an outfit! Thank you again Cookie!! Susan
-
Your welcome, I think you did a good job with your dark humor.
Comment from Fireshadow
Susan, It's hard for me to believe that, at times, you have doubted your writing skills ! Since then you have created and produced quite an impressive volume of outstanding writings, this one included. It's an excellent piece with sharp descriptive details and great storyline. Very well done, my friend. Amarillys
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
|
Susan, It's hard for me to believe that, at times, you have doubted your writing skills ! Since then you have created and produced quite an impressive volume of outstanding writings, this one included. It's an excellent piece with sharp descriptive details and great storyline. Very well done, my friend. Amarillys
Comment Written 13-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2010
-
Hi Amarillys!! Thank you very much! I had fun creeping myself out here! I am happy you liked this, it's just for fun. Isn't that picture odd? I could not resist using it. Over a real spider pix! SO good to hear from you!! ") Susan
