Kim
a strong Asian woman84 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
You have a very well written story with a smooth flow of words, making for a very easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. You have earned the six stars.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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You have a very well written story with a smooth flow of words, making for a very easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. You have earned the six stars.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Thanks for an exceptional review; I am truly appreciative.
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You're welcome, Alvin. I was truly drawn into your story. Charlie
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I forgot. Congratulations on your win.
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Thank you. You are not only kind; you are also very thoughtful.
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I am glad you were drawn into the story; that means I have done well as a writer.
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You're welcome, Alvin. Charlie
Comment from Allezw2
Master ATE,
No one hears about the half-cast mites left in Korea, especially thouse by the African-Americans that were doubly discriminated against because of their double-heritage.
There were so many instances of bureaucratic hurdles that prevented legitimate spouses and children, and the illegitimate children who had parents willing to bring them to the USA, from bringing these individuals to a new homeland.
You only have to see the accomplishments of those Vietnamese who were given sanctuary aboard the US ships in the last days of the Republic of Vietnam and later brought to America. Those are the grateful ones.
Saddest were those left behind to suffer in the reeducation imoosed by the north on the reunited south.
So, your story does touch a nerve illuminating some of the possible misfortunes that might befall your protagonist.
The geography is in question, but the privation rings true.
Fishermen using nets on the open water do not bait, either.
In the old days of long line fishing, when tuna and cod were caught by hand with poles, these hooks were baited though usually with chunks of offal.
The ending has a postive thought in the reflection on the young woman's determination to live her life by a truer creed.
Nicely done, and good fortune,
Fantasist
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Master ATE,
No one hears about the half-cast mites left in Korea, especially thouse by the African-Americans that were doubly discriminated against because of their double-heritage.
There were so many instances of bureaucratic hurdles that prevented legitimate spouses and children, and the illegitimate children who had parents willing to bring them to the USA, from bringing these individuals to a new homeland.
You only have to see the accomplishments of those Vietnamese who were given sanctuary aboard the US ships in the last days of the Republic of Vietnam and later brought to America. Those are the grateful ones.
Saddest were those left behind to suffer in the reeducation imoosed by the north on the reunited south.
So, your story does touch a nerve illuminating some of the possible misfortunes that might befall your protagonist.
The geography is in question, but the privation rings true.
Fishermen using nets on the open water do not bait, either.
In the old days of long line fishing, when tuna and cod were caught by hand with poles, these hooks were baited though usually with chunks of offal.
The ending has a postive thought in the reflection on the young woman's determination to live her life by a truer creed.
Nicely done, and good fortune,
Fantasist
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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I did check the geography with someone who grew up in Vietnam and lived there part of her adult life; where is the geography in question? I do need some clarification about fishing. I added a fishing pole to the elements in the boat, but are you saying that someone would not use a worm for bait if fishing in the South China Sea? I wasn't quite clear. Thanks for a good review and I eagerly await your response; I want this story to be correct.
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Sea currents sweep north along the east coast of what is now the People's Republic of Vietnam.
Vietnam has no border with Thailand, only with Cambodia and Laos to the west and China to the north.
To be found by a boat from Thailand, she would have to be in the Gulf of Thailand.
From the southwest end of the country she would have to travel well north, across Cambodian coastal waters to reach Thailand, which I believe would be unlikely.
If she were still in the South China Sea, that light might well be one of the numerous pirates which predated so terribly upon the boat people fleeing Vietnam after 30 April, 1975.
Fishermen on the open sea generally use throw nets. It is a productivity issue. The fisherman watches for the birds preying on the fish that rise to feed on their much smaller prey, shrimp and krill that stay near the surface.
Lo They cast their weighted net and capture the fish trapped there.
Long-line fishing is a lost art. If you have read Rudyard Kipling's "Captain Courageous" you would understand the term.
Modern fishing boats use aircraft to search for these accumulations and use speedboats to swing a purse seine around the fish and then close it to capture them and spill them onto the deck for sorting and then into either cold storage or into rooms where dozens of people filet the fish ready for packaging and consumption. This method is controversial because porpoises also are attracted to these schools of fish and are too often trapped and killed in these nets.
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Thank you; I have revised the story. Is it accurate concering ocean fishing now and do I portray Kim's ignorance of geography well enough to explain her thoughts? Your input is much appreciated.
Comment from Shirley B
Great story. this is a perfect telling of what too many men did in too many wars. The taking of a naive, native bride. The female character is very strong. Then at the end I wanted to cry when she felt going to Thailand was going to be an inprovement for her. Great story. I think you have a winner here. Good luck in the contest, Shirley
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Great story. this is a perfect telling of what too many men did in too many wars. The taking of a naive, native bride. The female character is very strong. Then at the end I wanted to cry when she felt going to Thailand was going to be an inprovement for her. Great story. I think you have a winner here. Good luck in the contest, Shirley
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a good review; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Kelly Shackelford
I loved this story! You creeate a very strong character with vivid images. Good luck in the contest. It is the best I have read so far.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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I loved this story! You creeate a very strong character with vivid images. Good luck in the contest. It is the best I have read so far.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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That's quite a compliment. Thank you so much.
Comment from seewhatimwritingnow
This is a great, very believable story- The requirement (Rich, vivid characterization, well-defined) have certainly been met!
However, what has left me wondering, is this woman's condition and why she can't just go back home? She sat out to go fishing, which apparently was something common for her to do. Now, it appears that she waits to be rescued? Why? Would like an explantion of this.
Found some 'spags' and punctuation errors- per my suggestions here...
"I'll go with you to see you off, Richard. Then you can come back from America for me and for our son."
("I'll go with you, to see you off, Richad, then you can come back from America..........")
"Unlike her father, who had insisted she be baptized (or so her mother told her",
(Unlike her father, who had insisted she be baptized, 'Kim'. (or so her mother told her), .
"His Commanding Officer took him there; he was not high ranking enough to enter on his own"
(His Commanding Officer took him there; as his rank was not high enough to enter on his own)
"She came to again, realizing she was in a rickety boat in the South China Sea. There was nothing near her for kilometres. All she had was a rock to steady the boat, a net to catch fish if they were close enough to the water's surface, a water jug to obtain salt water to keep the fish alive until she was ready to eat them, and a makeshift aquarium. There was also a can of dirt with some worms in it, most of them dead. She had no fresh water and currently no food"
(Repeat- This information was already covered in the beginning of your story, in your first paragraph.? )
"Kim had heard this happening to other Vietnamese woman, but it couldn't happen to her. Not with Richard, not here, not now."
( Kim had heard OF this happening to other Vietnamese womEn, but it couldn't happen to her, not with Richard. Not here, not now.!)
Thanks for a great story- that fits the picture perfectly! Betty
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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This is a great, very believable story- The requirement (Rich, vivid characterization, well-defined) have certainly been met!
However, what has left me wondering, is this woman's condition and why she can't just go back home? She sat out to go fishing, which apparently was something common for her to do. Now, it appears that she waits to be rescued? Why? Would like an explantion of this.
Found some 'spags' and punctuation errors- per my suggestions here...
"I'll go with you to see you off, Richard. Then you can come back from America for me and for our son."
("I'll go with you, to see you off, Richad, then you can come back from America..........")
"Unlike her father, who had insisted she be baptized (or so her mother told her",
(Unlike her father, who had insisted she be baptized, 'Kim'. (or so her mother told her), .
"His Commanding Officer took him there; he was not high ranking enough to enter on his own"
(His Commanding Officer took him there; as his rank was not high enough to enter on his own)
"She came to again, realizing she was in a rickety boat in the South China Sea. There was nothing near her for kilometres. All she had was a rock to steady the boat, a net to catch fish if they were close enough to the water's surface, a water jug to obtain salt water to keep the fish alive until she was ready to eat them, and a makeshift aquarium. There was also a can of dirt with some worms in it, most of them dead. She had no fresh water and currently no food"
(Repeat- This information was already covered in the beginning of your story, in your first paragraph.? )
"Kim had heard this happening to other Vietnamese woman, but it couldn't happen to her. Not with Richard, not here, not now."
( Kim had heard OF this happening to other Vietnamese womEn, but it couldn't happen to her, not with Richard. Not here, not now.!)
Thanks for a great story- that fits the picture perfectly! Betty
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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I am sorry--she had actually left home to leave Viet Nam. She was one of the boat people; I regret that did not come through. I thought her treatment by other people and the murder of her child would be sufficient explanation for her desire to leave; again, I regret that did not come through. For clarification, do you have reference in which both a semicolon and as are used? I have always seen one of the other, never both. I have thesame question of a period and an exclamation mark. Thanks for a good review.
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I do know that an exclamation point will take the place of a period, as it ends the sentence. I'm not sure about semi-colons- I thought they were just 'ie' or O:clock, etc- Not 'up' on that.
In your story I did heed Kim's many flashbacks, but did not realize that she was now escaping? Since she bought the boat and had her nets and can of fishing worms- I just thought she was fishing? I think if you had written something in the beginning lines, that 'now she would escape in the boat she had purchased' or something to that effect, it would be clearer. I would forget the semi-colon and go with the 'as', which I think more readers would understand. I am not an expert by any means, but I am learning, thanks to great writers such as yourself. I feel you were tired when you wrote this- understandable. Thanks, Betty
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I think you will find this link helpful (colon/semi-colon)
http://www.suite101.com/content/how-to-use-a-colon-and-semicolon-a77935
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You're right; I was tired. I am continuing to make improvements as I read reviews on the story. Thanks for yours.
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I looked up your reference and from what I can ascertain, I am using the semicolon correctly (without as) how do you understand it?
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The above review should read
I looked up your reference and from what I can ascertain, I am using the semicolon correctly (without as); how do you understand it?
Comment from anabelle
This is a really good story, Alvin. I like the mixture of culture, politics and personal relationships. We can only hope she'll be saved, but I doubt her life will be much easier after.
A couple of suggestions. It might be better to locate a small town near the ocean in Vietnam and use it instead of the country's name. It would personalize the beginning even more.
The second is because I'm Quebecois, I know you wouldn't say speaking Quebecois, but Quebecois French.
The very best to you in this contest. Good entry.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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This is a really good story, Alvin. I like the mixture of culture, politics and personal relationships. We can only hope she'll be saved, but I doubt her life will be much easier after.
A couple of suggestions. It might be better to locate a small town near the ocean in Vietnam and use it instead of the country's name. It would personalize the beginning even more.
The second is because I'm Quebecois, I know you wouldn't say speaking Quebecois, but Quebecois French.
The very best to you in this contest. Good entry.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Thanks; I took your second suggestion; since you are from Montreal, you know better than I. I don't know Vietnamese geography well enough to locate a town. Thanks for a good review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from hfriscia
This is a really good and enjoyable story...The character is well written and explained as a strong character...No are no mistakes that I could see...
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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This is a really good and enjoyable story...The character is well written and explained as a strong character...No are no mistakes that I could see...
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a good review; I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What a sad story about what
the poor woman had been
through at the hands of men,
and the murdering of her infant,
pulling at my heart-strings.
So well presented - good luck with
the contest, Alvin.
it to her [it] at a [delete]
Margaret
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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What a sad story about what
the poor woman had been
through at the hands of men,
and the murdering of her infant,
pulling at my heart-strings.
So well presented - good luck with
the contest, Alvin.
it to her [it] at a [delete]
Margaret
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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I corrected the copy editing error. Thanks for a great review.
Comment from Earthwriter
totally incredible how you got all that out of the same picture this is the third i have read and all so unique yours has the most dimensions to it
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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totally incredible how you got all that out of the same picture this is the third i have read and all so unique yours has the most dimensions to it
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Thanks for a good review; I wonder how many entries this contest has received so far. Thanks again.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Alvin,
I can see you took a great deal of time to write your intense and to me a very disturbing story.
Your story is very professionally,written
I just have one very small thing about this part--
She would be more likely to be picked up as a refugee
((as a woman; )) I may be very wrong - should it say
( being a woman?)
I say, 'your story it's a winner.'
Gert
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Hello Alvin,
I can see you took a great deal of time to write your intense and to me a very disturbing story.
Your story is very professionally,written
I just have one very small thing about this part--
She would be more likely to be picked up as a refugee
((as a woman; )) I may be very wrong - should it say
( being a woman?)
I say, 'your story it's a winner.'
Gert
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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That's a very good question; I'll have to think about it. That's an issue that can't be decided straightaway. Thanks for a great review.
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Hi Alvin you are welcome
Gert
