Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Chapter 6 Part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
66 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Hot and steamy(especially for a nun like me LOL)--and very sweet. I love how Joe is such a gentleman even when heated up---concerned if she's ready (in all ways). :-) And not concerned about frilly panties etc. Good guy--sincere and loving.
Good flow and dialog, as well as descriptive narrative.
one typo-
but it feels like I've know(n) you for years.
Nice work.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Hot and steamy(especially for a nun like me LOL)--and very sweet. I love how Joe is such a gentleman even when heated up---concerned if she's ready (in all ways). :-) And not concerned about frilly panties etc. Good guy--sincere and loving.
Good flow and dialog, as well as descriptive narrative.
one typo-
but it feels like I've know(n) you for years.
Nice work.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 06-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I have taken care of the missing 'n'.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Ah - sweet passion - a lovley
chapter, Barbara, moving their
relationship on to a different
level.
She moved her kisses to his neck and his chest, before she scooted herself onto his lap.
She planted little butterfly kisses on his neck and chest, then scooted herself ....... (just a thought)
and massaged his chest and arms - would you consider...
and caressed...........
Margaret
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Ah - sweet passion - a lovley
chapter, Barbara, moving their
relationship on to a different
level.
She moved her kisses to his neck and his chest, before she scooted herself onto his lap.
She planted little butterfly kisses on his neck and chest, then scooted herself ....... (just a thought)
and massaged his chest and arms - would you consider...
and caressed...........
Margaret
Comment Written 06-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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I liked your suggestions. I will make the changes. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from RebelRose
This is a really great chapter. You certainly did a great job in capturing the fears of a woman about to make love to someone she cares about for the first time (the stretch marks, the lack of lacy lingerie). You captured all the emotions of both parties very well.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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This is a really great chapter. You certainly did a great job in capturing the fears of a woman about to make love to someone she cares about for the first time (the stretch marks, the lack of lacy lingerie). You captured all the emotions of both parties very well.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate you saying I captured the emotions. A reviewer thought it lacked emotion.
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You just can't please everyone, can you? Each pair of eyes see it differently, I guess. You have to go with what you feel comfortable with. I still contend that it DID capture the emotions. I don't know what the other reviewer expected.
Comment from Ponder
Hi Barabara,
I thought this was sensitively handled and well done. It's difficult to get the 'alone time' stuff just right, but you seemed to have managed it here. I didn't have a problem with the length of this chapter, I thought it was just right.
Looking forward to the next one,
Jules
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Hi Barabara,
I thought this was sensitively handled and well done. It's difficult to get the 'alone time' stuff just right, but you seemed to have managed it here. I didn't have a problem with the length of this chapter, I thought it was just right.
Looking forward to the next one,
Jules
Comment Written 06-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your support.
Comment from Mirandawrites
I enjoyed the story, as it essentially has a good plot.
But I think you can improve the lovemaking narration and description.
It takes quite a big chunk of the story, yet it feels very restrained and just words, with very lttle passion. The words you used to carry the lovemaking in my opinion could be more graphic, vivid, and arousing so as to convey the passion.
For example, massaging her breasts, doesn't really elicit passion to me.
Overall, I feel, that you would like to convey the passionate scene, yet, you're restrained and don't feel comfortable telling it.
My suggestion is to tell more of the feeling, the experience of what occurs (maybe from your own experience) rather than the doing it.
There are a many great novelists that manage to inject a lot of passion and yes, lust, in their lovemaking scene to make it more real, yet have the rest of the story very powerful, extremely well written and with deep emotion too.
My favorites are: Lisa Kleypas, Susan Johnson, Christine Feehan, Loreleigh James, and many more. Their novels might give you some reference about inserting sexual scenes in otherwise great works of fictions.
All the best for your story, and keep on writing! You've got the talents.
BLess,
Miranda
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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I enjoyed the story, as it essentially has a good plot.
But I think you can improve the lovemaking narration and description.
It takes quite a big chunk of the story, yet it feels very restrained and just words, with very lttle passion. The words you used to carry the lovemaking in my opinion could be more graphic, vivid, and arousing so as to convey the passion.
For example, massaging her breasts, doesn't really elicit passion to me.
Overall, I feel, that you would like to convey the passionate scene, yet, you're restrained and don't feel comfortable telling it.
My suggestion is to tell more of the feeling, the experience of what occurs (maybe from your own experience) rather than the doing it.
There are a many great novelists that manage to inject a lot of passion and yes, lust, in their lovemaking scene to make it more real, yet have the rest of the story very powerful, extremely well written and with deep emotion too.
My favorites are: Lisa Kleypas, Susan Johnson, Christine Feehan, Loreleigh James, and many more. Their novels might give you some reference about inserting sexual scenes in otherwise great works of fictions.
All the best for your story, and keep on writing! You've got the talents.
BLess,
Miranda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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I have written many lust scenes in previous novels, where they fit in perfectly. I did not feel Joe and Sara's characters would have a lust scene. It did not fit. I am sorry you didn't feel this scene. Thank you for the review.
Comment from R. K. Alan
A lovely coming together, although her constant chatter in the beginning annoyed me, but then I am a man. Nice flow, good dialogue. Thanks for sharing. Ray aka krylon
Although not necessary, a pregnant (bad pun) pause after 'That' may work nicely... "That and I'm worried you think I'll forget you unless we make love."
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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A lovely coming together, although her constant chatter in the beginning annoyed me, but then I am a man. Nice flow, good dialogue. Thanks for sharing. Ray aka krylon
Although not necessary, a pregnant (bad pun) pause after 'That' may work nicely... "That and I'm worried you think I'll forget you unless we make love."
Comment Written 06-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Cute pun, I will take a look at it. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from patmedium
"Let's see, she a good pitcher. [apostrophe S needed]
Excellent. I didn't even cringe in the reading (I carry old problems with sex) ... You have a good way with imaging Sarah's low self esteem. xxxx
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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"Let's see, she a good pitcher. [apostrophe S needed]
Excellent. I didn't even cringe in the reading (I carry old problems with sex) ... You have a good way with imaging Sarah's low self esteem. xxxx
Comment Written 06-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate you continued support and friendship. I will fix that '
Comment from animatqua
I think you handled the love making scene with a great deal of sensitivity. There was nothing in it that was lewd or crude, or anything but loving.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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I think you handled the love making scene with a great deal of sensitivity. There was nothing in it that was lewd or crude, or anything but loving.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate it. I had a reviewer want more lust.
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I ran into the same thing with "Spellbound". That one probably could use it, although it would make the work too long for a short story. Yours didn't need it.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
He nuzzled her ear[] before he whispered, "If we continue, we'll end up making love."
his chest[] before she scooted herself onto his lap.
"Sara, as much as I want this to continue[]," He moved his hand to adjust the engorged manhood inside his jeans[,] "I need to make sure this
Lowering her onto the bed, he lay beside her and kissed her ears and neck[] before continuing with her breasts. -- When a sentence begins with a "before" clause, a comma follows, but no comma precedes "before" when it ends the sentence.
A moan escaped his lips and[as?] he caressed her soft bare rear end.
Tightly he [delete held her,] pressed her body against his, [delete and] rubbed himself against her[, and] return[ed] the kiss.
her hands, she pushed his jeans and boxer briefs down. -- Aren't boxers and briefs two different kinds of underwear?
They released moans of ecstasy[ together].
"Come here." He pulled her beside him[] before he kissed her.
"I know we've only known each other a few days, but it feels like I've know[n] you for years. I've already come to rely on you."
his kisses slid [them] from her lips to her lower stomach.
"Let's see, she['s] a good pitcher.
I'm glad they finally got together.
Good luck on your surgery.
Roberta
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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He nuzzled her ear[] before he whispered, "If we continue, we'll end up making love."
his chest[] before she scooted herself onto his lap.
"Sara, as much as I want this to continue[]," He moved his hand to adjust the engorged manhood inside his jeans[,] "I need to make sure this
Lowering her onto the bed, he lay beside her and kissed her ears and neck[] before continuing with her breasts. -- When a sentence begins with a "before" clause, a comma follows, but no comma precedes "before" when it ends the sentence.
A moan escaped his lips and[as?] he caressed her soft bare rear end.
Tightly he [delete held her,] pressed her body against his, [delete and] rubbed himself against her[, and] return[ed] the kiss.
her hands, she pushed his jeans and boxer briefs down. -- Aren't boxers and briefs two different kinds of underwear?
They released moans of ecstasy[ together].
"Come here." He pulled her beside him[] before he kissed her.
"I know we've only known each other a few days, but it feels like I've know[n] you for years. I've already come to rely on you."
his kisses slid [them] from her lips to her lower stomach.
"Let's see, she['s] a good pitcher.
I'm glad they finally got together.
Good luck on your surgery.
Roberta
Comment Written 05-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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I hope you are settled with your new living arrangements. I heard it didn't go smoothly. I appreciate your review.
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It did not go well and it isn't complete yet--there's still more stuff to bring over and no place to put it. I just kept crying last week, but I think I'm over that now. I'm becoming resigned to my fate.
Hope things are going better for you but I know you're in that limbo waiting period. Just know we're all pulling for you.
Roberta
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I am sorry to hear about everything. I have been keeping up with it. I have an echo on Thursday.
Comment from Readywriter52
Sara and Joe have taken their relationship to a higher level. From the type of question she asks, I wonder if they are going too fast. She seems very concerned about her appearance. She probably should have waited until she was more comfortable.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Sara and Joe have taken their relationship to a higher level. From the type of question she asks, I wonder if they are going too fast. She seems very concerned about her appearance. She probably should have waited until she was more comfortable.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2010
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Very good point and this will rear it's ugly head. Thank you for your kind review.
