Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Chapter 5; part two"Can love survive small town gossip?
74 total reviews
Comment from Jonez08
Hi, Barbara, hope this review finds you in good spirits. Nice chapter of family interaction. Joe is still every girl's dream. I look forward to seeing how things work out with him leaving to return home. At the point we are in the story, I think the conflict should be breathing down our necks. I'm very curious to see where these two are going. I look forward to the next.
"Come on(,) baby, it wouldn't hurt to be nice to me.
While they drove home, Joe ate the cookies.
--consider: On the drive home, Joe ate cookies.
Joe walked up behind Sara, as she bent(over) and searched inside the refrigerator.
--not needed
"(Mom) told me it was none of my business."
--since you used mom quite a bit in a short span, consider: (She)
"(')Bye(,) Mr. Joe. See you later."
--you have an extra quote at the beginning of this sentence and you need a comma after bye
"It's just us old people, now(.)"
I'm used to having Cassie (always) around.
--(always not needed. Or you could say: I'm used to always having Cassie around)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
  |
Hi, Barbara, hope this review finds you in good spirits. Nice chapter of family interaction. Joe is still every girl's dream. I look forward to seeing how things work out with him leaving to return home. At the point we are in the story, I think the conflict should be breathing down our necks. I'm very curious to see where these two are going. I look forward to the next.
"Come on(,) baby, it wouldn't hurt to be nice to me.
While they drove home, Joe ate the cookies.
--consider: On the drive home, Joe ate cookies.
Joe walked up behind Sara, as she bent(over) and searched inside the refrigerator.
--not needed
"(Mom) told me it was none of my business."
--since you used mom quite a bit in a short span, consider: (She)
"(')Bye(,) Mr. Joe. See you later."
--you have an extra quote at the beginning of this sentence and you need a comma after bye
"It's just us old people, now(.)"
I'm used to having Cassie (always) around.
--(always not needed. Or you could say: I'm used to always having Cassie around)
Cassandra
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and I will get on those areas. I appreciate your help.
Comment from ThomasDennisC
I must say this was a well written piece from start to finish.
1. The chapter stands on its own even without the previous chapters being read.
2. The opener was very good; it was informative which made the rest of the story flow smoothly.
3. Good usage of dialogue.
I could fee the emotion and even did a little happy tear for this paragraph.
-----------------
He stopped and stared into Cassie's eyes. "I doubt your mom and I will break up. I'm planning on becoming a permanent fixture in your life," he teased. "If for some reason we do, I promise I'll always care about your well being. Understand?" He used his finger to brush the top of her nose. "You're important to me, too."
4. The chapter was very engaging from start to finish, one can not help but to get sucked in to the emotions of happiness, some insecurities on Cassie's part which were resolved by Joe in the above paragraph.
Keep doing good work.
restlesspen
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
|
I must say this was a well written piece from start to finish.
1. The chapter stands on its own even without the previous chapters being read.
2. The opener was very good; it was informative which made the rest of the story flow smoothly.
3. Good usage of dialogue.
I could fee the emotion and even did a little happy tear for this paragraph.
-----------------
He stopped and stared into Cassie's eyes. "I doubt your mom and I will break up. I'm planning on becoming a permanent fixture in your life," he teased. "If for some reason we do, I promise I'll always care about your well being. Understand?" He used his finger to brush the top of her nose. "You're important to me, too."
4. The chapter was very engaging from start to finish, one can not help but to get sucked in to the emotions of happiness, some insecurities on Cassie's part which were resolved by Joe in the above paragraph.
Keep doing good work.
restlesspen
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
-
Thank you for your well written review. I appreciate it.
-
You are most welcome. Keep up the good work.
Comment from FredCollingwood
It's really skillful the way you present your characters through dialog and their actions. I can see the relationship developing.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
|
It's really skillful the way you present your characters through dialog and their actions. I can see the relationship developing.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from rama devi
He dear B. Hope all goes well with your next surgery. Am sending prayers and healing light your way. and hugs too.
This flows well with god dialog (as usual) and very few nits.
Most of these are just suggestions for optimal use of commas to effect dramatic pause. Not correction so much as suggestions:
He walked to the teenage male. "I'm sure this was a misunderstanding, but in case it wasn't(,) I'm informing you that your treatment of Miss Riley was sexual harassment. I
*Do I make myself clear(,) or do I need to go into details?"
*"No, not tears. Not you() too. I'm sunk."
*Cassie took her mom's hand. "Did you know I'm important to Mr. Joe(,) too?"
Good luck with operation~
Love and prayers,
rd
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
|
He dear B. Hope all goes well with your next surgery. Am sending prayers and healing light your way. and hugs too.
This flows well with god dialog (as usual) and very few nits.
Most of these are just suggestions for optimal use of commas to effect dramatic pause. Not correction so much as suggestions:
He walked to the teenage male. "I'm sure this was a misunderstanding, but in case it wasn't(,) I'm informing you that your treatment of Miss Riley was sexual harassment. I
*Do I make myself clear(,) or do I need to go into details?"
*"No, not tears. Not you() too. I'm sunk."
*Cassie took her mom's hand. "Did you know I'm important to Mr. Joe(,) too?"
Good luck with operation~
Love and prayers,
rd
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
-
Thank you for the help with the commas. I doubt I will ever understand them.
Comment from CKLA
I really liked this chapter. It really gave a sense of them becoming a family.
I'm sure this was a misunderstanding, but in case it wasn't(,) I'm informing
He walked toward(s) the car
Collette
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
|
I really liked this chapter. It really gave a sense of them becoming a family.
I'm sure this was a misunderstanding, but in case it wasn't(,) I'm informing
He walked toward(s) the car
Collette
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
-
Thank you for your kind reveiw.
Comment from eliz100
You are right about the art work. This was another good read from beginning to end. I like the description of the relationship between Cassie and Joe. Good job.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
|
You are right about the art work. This was another good read from beginning to end. I like the description of the relationship between Cassie and Joe. Good job.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Tellis
I thought he was pretty good with the kid and I hope that teen boy gets the message. I enjoyed rwadng this excellent chapter.
Tellis
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
|
I thought he was pretty good with the kid and I hope that teen boy gets the message. I enjoyed rwadng this excellent chapter.
Tellis
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from fionageorge
I could give her a few hints (as to what to do with those couple of hours without Cassie!).
Great chapter, excellent use of dialogue, and a good building up of the relationship and emotions between Cassie and Mr Joe.
I enjoyed this chapter, it was easy to read and further built on the characters.
Warmest regards, Marijke
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
|
I could give her a few hints (as to what to do with those couple of hours without Cassie!).
Great chapter, excellent use of dialogue, and a good building up of the relationship and emotions between Cassie and Mr Joe.
I enjoyed this chapter, it was easy to read and further built on the characters.
Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
-
I am sure you can give them some ideas. I am sure they can come up with a few ideas on their own. I bet they play scramblem, don't you? I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from mtngalofnc
Hi barbara,
Very nice chapter. I am pleased that Joe and Cassie are getting along so well. A teenage girl needs a father figure and Joe seems perfect. I can't wait to see how Sarah and Joe handle their long distance relationship.
Well written and a pleasure to read.
Hope you are getting enough rest. My prayers are with you.
Becky
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
|
Hi barbara,
Very nice chapter. I am pleased that Joe and Cassie are getting along so well. A teenage girl needs a father figure and Joe seems perfect. I can't wait to see how Sarah and Joe handle their long distance relationship.
Well written and a pleasure to read.
Hope you are getting enough rest. My prayers are with you.
Becky
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Arkine
Well, it left me with the feeling that the teenage boy isn't going to leave Cassie alone, but he'll wait until he thinks Joe is long gone. Good chapter, didn't see any nits. :)
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
|
Well, it left me with the feeling that the teenage boy isn't going to leave Cassie alone, but he'll wait until he thinks Joe is long gone. Good chapter, didn't see any nits. :)
Comment Written 30-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
