Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Chapter 4 part two"Can love survive small town gossip?
78 total reviews
Comment from Shirley McLain
Continues to be a great story. I can't wait to read more. You hold my attention all the way through. Your characters remain strong and the dialog is excellent. Good job.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Continues to be a great story. I can't wait to read more. You hold my attention all the way through. Your characters remain strong and the dialog is excellent. Good job.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from animatqua
The character development here was strong. It really gave me a good picture of both protagonists. The only thing I would suggest is to use more of a hook in the last paragraph. I am interested in knowing what happens next, but an extra `oomph' couldn't hurt.
To do that, I would leave some doubt and end with "I'm not going to let you break my heart".
Just a thought.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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The character development here was strong. It really gave me a good picture of both protagonists. The only thing I would suggest is to use more of a hook in the last paragraph. I am interested in knowing what happens next, but an extra `oomph' couldn't hurt.
To do that, I would leave some doubt and end with "I'm not going to let you break my heart".
Just a thought.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and I added to the ending.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
This is an excellent post, and I don't blame Sara for being careful. Joe's job will take him away for long stretches of time. Also, the town's attitude has brainwashed Sara to some extent. You bring these points out very well, and through dialogue and Sara's thoughts, rather than through narration. In fact, I'd give this chapter a six star review if Fanstory would let me.
I found one tiny nit and have a couple of suggestions, one of them tentative:
"I wonder what he has planned (You need a period here) He's been a perfect gentlemen."
"He wiped a strand of hair from her cheek and then used his fingers to highlight confessed. I might put the word "confessed" in italics or quote marks. Not sure of this, though.
""So you made the age old mistake of thinking the love [of] a good woman can change the bad boy into a good one." Actually, I'd break this into two sentences: ""So you made the age old mistake. You thought the love of a good woman could change the bad boy into a good one."
Dave
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Barbara,
This is an excellent post, and I don't blame Sara for being careful. Joe's job will take him away for long stretches of time. Also, the town's attitude has brainwashed Sara to some extent. You bring these points out very well, and through dialogue and Sara's thoughts, rather than through narration. In fact, I'd give this chapter a six star review if Fanstory would let me.
I found one tiny nit and have a couple of suggestions, one of them tentative:
"I wonder what he has planned (You need a period here) He's been a perfect gentlemen."
"He wiped a strand of hair from her cheek and then used his fingers to highlight confessed. I might put the word "confessed" in italics or quote marks. Not sure of this, though.
""So you made the age old mistake of thinking the love [of] a good woman can change the bad boy into a good one." Actually, I'd break this into two sentences: ""So you made the age old mistake. You thought the love of a good woman could change the bad boy into a good one."
Dave
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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I always enjoy hearing from you and I am off to make those corrections. You're one of the people I wait to hear from.
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Barbara,
Thanks for your reply. I'm pleased to see that you're well enough to post something.
Dave
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I need to take lessons from my 17 year old male. I never have had to tell him to take it easy, he'd doing too much.
Comment from c_lucas
This is a very well written, dialogue-driven chapter. We all made mistakes when we were young. Some paid a bigger price for their misdeeds.
Error
He went on with is (his) life as if nothing
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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This is a very well written, dialogue-driven chapter. We all made mistakes when we were young. Some paid a bigger price for their misdeeds.
Error
He went on with is (his) life as if nothing
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for catching that error. I already took care of it. I appreciate your review and support.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from robin1
Introduction very nicely helps readers without background get caught up. Opening is interesting and kept my attention. Characters display unique traits and are depicted with vivid, pertinent detail. Author effectively captures emotional tension inherent in this still-developing relational. Story arc of scene unfolds at pace appropriate for subject matter, and easily retains reader's attention. Skillful use of dialogue. Sentences vary in structure and length. Proficiency in the technical aspects of craft are evident in this enjoyable, blossoming romance. Best wishes for your continued success with your novel. robin
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Introduction very nicely helps readers without background get caught up. Opening is interesting and kept my attention. Characters display unique traits and are depicted with vivid, pertinent detail. Author effectively captures emotional tension inherent in this still-developing relational. Story arc of scene unfolds at pace appropriate for subject matter, and easily retains reader's attention. Skillful use of dialogue. Sentences vary in structure and length. Proficiency in the technical aspects of craft are evident in this enjoyable, blossoming romance. Best wishes for your continued success with your novel. robin
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Wow, did I do all of that? Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Barbara. Don't be too hard on yourself. You can post anytime and I'm sure readers will understand. This is an interesting chapter in which Sara opens her heart a little bit more than she intends to do. You've done it with a subtle touch. Cheers to you and get better on the pace allowed to you ...
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Hi, Barbara. Don't be too hard on yourself. You can post anytime and I'm sure readers will understand. This is an interesting chapter in which Sara opens her heart a little bit more than she intends to do. You've done it with a subtle touch. Cheers to you and get better on the pace allowed to you ...
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I need to take lessons from my 17 year old male. No even ever has to say to him, "Steven, please take it easy, I don't want you to over do it."
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Wise teenager...
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LOL
Comment from adewpearl
Look, there's a barge coming - add comma
Never mind, it's silly - add comma
What a wonderfully romantic scene and conversation - I like the way he is willing to share, to open up, to persist and not let her doubts put a damper on their blossoming relationship - he is a man willing to win her trust, and that is such a good thing. :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Look, there's a barge coming - add comma
Never mind, it's silly - add comma
What a wonderfully romantic scene and conversation - I like the way he is willing to share, to open up, to persist and not let her doubts put a damper on their blossoming relationship - he is a man willing to win her trust, and that is such a good thing. :-) Brooke
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Those pesky little commas have been added. I really was worried about this post. I am glad you liked it.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is another brilliant chapter. I keep forgetting that Joe is going home soon, and won't be around forever. They have reached the point now, where neither of them will want to be with out the other. Looking forward to seeing what happens next. x
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reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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This is another brilliant chapter. I keep forgetting that Joe is going home soon, and won't be around forever. They have reached the point now, where neither of them will want to be with out the other. Looking forward to seeing what happens next. x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I can't wait to see what happens either, or really will with what I have planned, will it work?
