Disappointment
A Senryu contest entry21 total reviews
Comment from Sunie617
Each line had its own impact. A very direct approach and constructive words to ponder over. I got lost in your poem, just SEEING His Word manifest itself through you. Leaves the reader Feeling the Double-Edge sword. Very well done.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Each line had its own impact. A very direct approach and constructive words to ponder over. I got lost in your poem, just SEEING His Word manifest itself through you. Leaves the reader Feeling the Double-Edge sword. Very well done.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from SWANNY
Excellent poem. It followed the syllable/line rules and I didn't notice any errors. It was very heartfelt and something that I think most people have experienced at one time or another. Great job.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2010
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Excellent poem. It followed the syllable/line rules and I didn't notice any errors. It was very heartfelt and something that I think most people have experienced at one time or another. Great job.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from AlvinTEthington
This is a good description of the human condition. However, I do not find it a senryu, for I sense no irony or satire, which is the primary characteristic of senryu. Also be careful in the Japanese poetic forms about using gerunds--Japanese does not have that grammatical form. I like the last line very much; I have often felt that way.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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This is a good description of the human condition. However, I do not find it a senryu, for I sense no irony or satire, which is the primary characteristic of senryu. Also be careful in the Japanese poetic forms about using gerunds--Japanese does not have that grammatical form. I like the last line very much; I have often felt that way.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback very much.
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You're welcome. I am glad it was helpful and I admire that you take gentle constructive criticism well.
Comment from Bellringer
A classical senryu which could have been written hundreds of years ago. When one puts all of one's hope in a dream, which we felt was our destiny, we are truly crushed. Always good to have a plan B through Z! Well done. Best wishes, Hector
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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A classical senryu which could have been written hundreds of years ago. When one puts all of one's hope in a dream, which we felt was our destiny, we are truly crushed. Always good to have a plan B through Z! Well done. Best wishes, Hector
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from bhogg
Very well done. It's nice to see a work that doesn't utterly depend on lengthy author notes. This doesn't need it, a clear message of dreams lost, despair and searching for comfort. Well done.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Very well done. It's nice to see a work that doesn't utterly depend on lengthy author notes. This doesn't need it, a clear message of dreams lost, despair and searching for comfort. Well done.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the constructive feedback and the many stars.
Comment from JeJo
One suggestion:
you start your senryu with "the"
maybe try to be more specific, like
"First chosen dream lost"
When a dream is lost, it is very crushing to the spirit,
wounding it, making the soul long for comfort.
You have good form with the correct syllables,
lines, and satirical last line. Good word choices
of "lost" "crushing" "weary" and "longing." Great job,
and good luck in the contest. - JeJo
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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One suggestion:
you start your senryu with "the"
maybe try to be more specific, like
"First chosen dream lost"
When a dream is lost, it is very crushing to the spirit,
wounding it, making the soul long for comfort.
You have good form with the correct syllables,
lines, and satirical last line. Good word choices
of "lost" "crushing" "weary" and "longing." Great job,
and good luck in the contest. - JeJo
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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T)hank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the constructive feedback and the many stars.
Comment from Nicnac
So far, this is one of my favorite entries I've read so far. With no photo and simple presentation - this is still one of the strongest messages that evoked emotions from me.
Correct senryu form.
Love the satori line.
Nicely done!
I think this one will do well in the contest.
Best wishes.
Nic
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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So far, this is one of my favorite entries I've read so far. With no photo and simple presentation - this is still one of the strongest messages that evoked emotions from me.
Correct senryu form.
Love the satori line.
Nicely done!
I think this one will do well in the contest.
Best wishes.
Nic
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
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You're welcome. :)
Comment from Domino
Cleverly put senryu on the subject of rejection, I think.
Maybe de-capitalise for simpler presentation as you've not included punctuation (often best).
Good luck, Ray xx
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Cleverly put senryu on the subject of rejection, I think.
Maybe de-capitalise for simpler presentation as you've not included punctuation (often best).
Good luck, Ray xx
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from daniela.albu
In few words, you managed to express what a shattered dream can mean to the soul. Maybe the last line is slightly weak in poetic terms, but the message is well conveyed.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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In few words, you managed to express what a shattered dream can mean to the soul. Maybe the last line is slightly weak in poetic terms, but the message is well conveyed.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This certainly expresses the common human emotion of disappointment, and in correct senryu form and syllable count. Good luck to you. Best regards, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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This certainly expresses the common human emotion of disappointment, and in correct senryu form and syllable count. Good luck to you. Best regards, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the positive feedback and the many stars.
