Anna's Gift
Dilemmas and decisions17 total reviews
Comment from AlvinTEthington
What a great short story! I like the breezy style in which it is written. Two very minor copy editing corrections:
the new guys help--I think guy's would work better here.
Cuban's--I think the plural Cubans would work better here than the singular possessive Cuban's
Your power of descriptions shine through in this story, especially the physical description of comparing a man to a hog.
You develop character well through dialogue and interior thought.
I like that this has the structure of a Biblical psalm, moving from despair to hope.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2010
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What a great short story! I like the breezy style in which it is written. Two very minor copy editing corrections:
the new guys help--I think guy's would work better here.
Cuban's--I think the plural Cubans would work better here than the singular possessive Cuban's
Your power of descriptions shine through in this story, especially the physical description of comparing a man to a hog.
You develop character well through dialogue and interior thought.
I like that this has the structure of a Biblical psalm, moving from despair to hope.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2010
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Hello Alvin. What a kind and helpful review. Thank you so much. I wish I could do better. I guess practice and a better memory is needed...bless you for taking time for me! Smiles. Susan
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You're welcome for the review.
Comment from Gideon Roth
Hi Susan, I am back home for a few days and trying to get caught up on my reading and reviews. Anna's Gift, is very well done. The narrative was active and the dialogue was about as well done as any that I have read in quite some time. I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. Keep up the great work...Tim
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2010
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Hi Susan, I am back home for a few days and trying to get caught up on my reading and reviews. Anna's Gift, is very well done. The narrative was active and the dialogue was about as well done as any that I have read in quite some time. I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. Keep up the great work...Tim
Comment Written 28-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2010
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Thank you Tim, please read the other reviews for this? I cannot take it, guess I am a sore loser, but need a break from FS for a while. Thank you so much for this kind review! Susan
Comment from Ted T
Hi Susan :)
Off the top, good job. You made it within the word-count, kept to the main theme and added some decent dialogue.
I read your other reviews and though well-meaning, they don't help your writing much.
Since I gave you the story assignment, it's up to me to critique the writing.
There are issues: you have five spelling errors, which you should've caught, and numerous comma faults.
I've pasted in the problems with corrections.
[bluejeans] should be two words -- (blue jeans)
described as [opulance] gone wild -- It's, (opulence)
like a [cheshire] cat. -- It's, (Cheshire)
sunshine, [persperation] beginning to gleam off it. It's, (perspiration)
He thought [briefly] of a hog [everytime] his boss was around. -- It's (every time) -- The word (briefly) is unnecessary.
"[Wheweee!] I forgot how heavy that shit can be!" -- The opening word is one of those brought out in my Webinar lecture as being distracting and unnecessary.
It was Lunford's [scribbly] writing and Gary Thomas read the words softly, as more tears rolled down his cheeks. -- The word should be (scribbled)
The "LY" words are getting in there again.
Those are the spelling and word errors. However, you're using too many "LY" words, which was also covered in my Webinar lecture -- eliminate as many of them as possible. Now we'll look at your comma faults:
fancy homes(,) that could -- Comma not needed, no pause required.
warm June morning, he summoned his [umpteenth] forced smile, as his boss(,) Jim Lunford drove up. -- Comma needed before [Jim] -- Get rid of (umpteenth) -- Re-cast the line.
"How's it hangin'(,) Jim?" -- Again, comma needed before [Jim]
[The beaming face of success literally glowed in the sunshine, persperation beginning to gleam off it.] -- This is clumsy sentence structure and needs a rewrite.
He didn't feel like joking [around.] He thought briefly of a hog everytime his boss was [around.] -- Words repeated too close in two sentences.
[And Mr. Lunford also sold mirrors. Mirrors and carpet. So rich people could walk in comfort while they admired themselves.] -- Another awkward sequence and (mirrors) repeated.
[There was the beaming smile again.] -- This is author intrusion. It's also "telling." Try, (Jim smiled again.)
["Yeah ... , no problem."] -- Use a comma after (Yeah) and drop the ellipsis. You're creating a double pause with a comma fault or what's also called a "comma splice."
[He leaned on the hood of Lunford's shiny new F-350, bumping his boot-toe into the huge tire, nervously awaiting the right moment to ask his boss for a raise. The neighborhood was a quiet one, the only sounds were a few songbirds and a dog off in the distance.] -- This entire sequence is over-written. Take out the fat.
["Hey Jim ... , I been wonderin' about some kinda raise? What with Anna needin' surgery 'n all?"] -- You have the same problem here with the ellipsis and the comma splice. Also, You have both men dropping (ing) and sounding like lazy-talking country boys. That too was at issue in my Webinar lecture. Make your characters completely different from each other.
["How's she doin', by the way?" Lunford allowed a serious look to cross his pudgy face. It was fleeting though and Gary once more couldn't help but think of his father's hogs. His stomach roiled in apprehension. He felt like a bug about to be crushed.] -- Aside from being over-written, this is a POV clash. It needs to be two paragraphs. You need to separate Jim and Gary.
[He had worked so much overtime and still, it wasn't enough. He really needed a raise. For Anna's sake. He looked down at his reflection in the black paint and wished he were anybody else in the world.] -- Another awakward paragraph structure. (For Anna's sake.) doesn't work where you have it. Recast the whole paragraph.
You continue on from here to make the same kind of errors. I didn't take the time to repeat corrections. I'm hoping what I've pointed out above will get the points across.
Writing good commercial fiction isn't as easy as new writers think.
You handled the premise of the story well with your own nice twist at the end.
You asked me to help your writing and that's what I've done. Unfortunately, it doesn't always taste good.
Take it all in stride and learn from it.
Ted
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Hi Susan :)
Off the top, good job. You made it within the word-count, kept to the main theme and added some decent dialogue.
I read your other reviews and though well-meaning, they don't help your writing much.
Since I gave you the story assignment, it's up to me to critique the writing.
There are issues: you have five spelling errors, which you should've caught, and numerous comma faults.
I've pasted in the problems with corrections.
[bluejeans] should be two words -- (blue jeans)
described as [opulance] gone wild -- It's, (opulence)
like a [cheshire] cat. -- It's, (Cheshire)
sunshine, [persperation] beginning to gleam off it. It's, (perspiration)
He thought [briefly] of a hog [everytime] his boss was around. -- It's (every time) -- The word (briefly) is unnecessary.
"[Wheweee!] I forgot how heavy that shit can be!" -- The opening word is one of those brought out in my Webinar lecture as being distracting and unnecessary.
It was Lunford's [scribbly] writing and Gary Thomas read the words softly, as more tears rolled down his cheeks. -- The word should be (scribbled)
The "LY" words are getting in there again.
Those are the spelling and word errors. However, you're using too many "LY" words, which was also covered in my Webinar lecture -- eliminate as many of them as possible. Now we'll look at your comma faults:
fancy homes(,) that could -- Comma not needed, no pause required.
warm June morning, he summoned his [umpteenth] forced smile, as his boss(,) Jim Lunford drove up. -- Comma needed before [Jim] -- Get rid of (umpteenth) -- Re-cast the line.
"How's it hangin'(,) Jim?" -- Again, comma needed before [Jim]
[The beaming face of success literally glowed in the sunshine, persperation beginning to gleam off it.] -- This is clumsy sentence structure and needs a rewrite.
He didn't feel like joking [around.] He thought briefly of a hog everytime his boss was [around.] -- Words repeated too close in two sentences.
[And Mr. Lunford also sold mirrors. Mirrors and carpet. So rich people could walk in comfort while they admired themselves.] -- Another awkward sequence and (mirrors) repeated.
[There was the beaming smile again.] -- This is author intrusion. It's also "telling." Try, (Jim smiled again.)
["Yeah ... , no problem."] -- Use a comma after (Yeah) and drop the ellipsis. You're creating a double pause with a comma fault or what's also called a "comma splice."
[He leaned on the hood of Lunford's shiny new F-350, bumping his boot-toe into the huge tire, nervously awaiting the right moment to ask his boss for a raise. The neighborhood was a quiet one, the only sounds were a few songbirds and a dog off in the distance.] -- This entire sequence is over-written. Take out the fat.
["Hey Jim ... , I been wonderin' about some kinda raise? What with Anna needin' surgery 'n all?"] -- You have the same problem here with the ellipsis and the comma splice. Also, You have both men dropping (ing) and sounding like lazy-talking country boys. That too was at issue in my Webinar lecture. Make your characters completely different from each other.
["How's she doin', by the way?" Lunford allowed a serious look to cross his pudgy face. It was fleeting though and Gary once more couldn't help but think of his father's hogs. His stomach roiled in apprehension. He felt like a bug about to be crushed.] -- Aside from being over-written, this is a POV clash. It needs to be two paragraphs. You need to separate Jim and Gary.
[He had worked so much overtime and still, it wasn't enough. He really needed a raise. For Anna's sake. He looked down at his reflection in the black paint and wished he were anybody else in the world.] -- Another awakward paragraph structure. (For Anna's sake.) doesn't work where you have it. Recast the whole paragraph.
You continue on from here to make the same kind of errors. I didn't take the time to repeat corrections. I'm hoping what I've pointed out above will get the points across.
Writing good commercial fiction isn't as easy as new writers think.
You handled the premise of the story well with your own nice twist at the end.
You asked me to help your writing and that's what I've done. Unfortunately, it doesn't always taste good.
Take it all in stride and learn from it.
Ted
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Hi Ted, I have written down these corrections, and will redo this, I am trying to also work on the first one. Thank you. I am sorry. Will try to remember these things! Again, thank you. Susan
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Good idea.
Make the corrections, write a cover for each story and start submitting. You don't need an agent to get short stories published.
Ted
Comment from Max Edon
This story was so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes! The ending was quite unexpected--I thought this was going to be a crime story.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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This story was so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes! The ending was quite unexpected--I thought this was going to be a crime story.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Hi Max! Thank you so much. It's very kind of you to read and then take time to review for me...I really appreciate it. Susan
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You are welcome!
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Susan:)
What a wonderful story of perseverance in the face of despair. Gary Thomas forced himself to complete extra work for the sake of his wife's medical needs, but he felt unappreciated. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. "When's the delivery gonna be here?" He didn't feel like joking around. He thought briefly of a hog [everytime ==> every time} his boss was around. {A typo?}
2. The man was pasty, sloppy and had close set eyes, much like the pigs his dad used to raise. And Mr. Lunford also sold mirrors. Mirrors and carpet. So rich people could walk in comfort while they admired themselves. {Great description!}
3. He had nine hours and could probably get all three rooms done, even without the new [guys ==> guy's] help. {Another typo?}
Gary thought he sensed some compassion even though he looked on his boss unfavorably. In the end Gary learned that he had misjudged his boss completely. This is the age old story of misjudging people by their looks. Great twist.
Roger
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Hi Susan:)
What a wonderful story of perseverance in the face of despair. Gary Thomas forced himself to complete extra work for the sake of his wife's medical needs, but he felt unappreciated. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. "When's the delivery gonna be here?" He didn't feel like joking around. He thought briefly of a hog [everytime ==> every time} his boss was around. {A typo?}
2. The man was pasty, sloppy and had close set eyes, much like the pigs his dad used to raise. And Mr. Lunford also sold mirrors. Mirrors and carpet. So rich people could walk in comfort while they admired themselves. {Great description!}
3. He had nine hours and could probably get all three rooms done, even without the new [guys ==> guy's] help. {Another typo?}
Gary thought he sensed some compassion even though he looked on his boss unfavorably. In the end Gary learned that he had misjudged his boss completely. This is the age old story of misjudging people by their looks. Great twist.
Roger
Comment Written 27-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Hi Roger! I tried to find and fix your suggestions, Ted had lots for me to do with this, and I really appreciate your time to help me! Thank you very very much!! Great to hear from you! Susan
Comment from missy98writer
Realist101,
your story titled 'Anna's Gift' is wonderfully written. Wonderful imagery - I could see the story take place in my head. Excellent narrative, great dialogue, and very descriptive writing. Here are some paragraphs that stood out to me:
Gary's old Taurus sputtered to a choking halt in front of yet another in a string of fancy homes, that could only be described as opulence gone wild.
Gary Thomas had laid countless carpets for countless wealthy people and on this warm June morning, he summoned his umpteenth forced smile, as his boss Jim Lunford drove up.
"I'm sorry to hear that Gary. Tell ya what. I'll see how the books look, okay? I'll see what I can do. Hang in there man, it's gotta be tough." Gary thought he recognized compassion in his boss' tone and said a little prayer that he was right.
He wanted to just get into his car and drive. The world could just kiss his ass. But he loved Anna. And he would not, could not, abandon her. He stood on the back deck, peering out over a lush lawn that needed trimmed, and the green, healthy beauty of it made him want to cry. Ready to break down, he didn't even hear the front door open and someone go in and out of the house.
He sat stunned. There in the square opening sat a brown paper lunch sack. It was folded over and Gary picked it up, curiosity getting the best of him. Gingerly, he parted the top of the sack as he held his breath in nervous anticipation. He recognized the longhand on the note. It was Lunford's scribbly writing and Gary Thomas read the words softly, as more tears rolled down his cheeks. The twenty-thousand dollars in cash would just about cover Anna's surgery. And he stood up, a new man. A man with hope and gratitude.
I loved the ending where Lunsford left Gary $20,000 dollars. You story was an excellent read. You are a marvelous story teller. . .Melissa.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Realist101,
your story titled 'Anna's Gift' is wonderfully written. Wonderful imagery - I could see the story take place in my head. Excellent narrative, great dialogue, and very descriptive writing. Here are some paragraphs that stood out to me:
Gary's old Taurus sputtered to a choking halt in front of yet another in a string of fancy homes, that could only be described as opulence gone wild.
Gary Thomas had laid countless carpets for countless wealthy people and on this warm June morning, he summoned his umpteenth forced smile, as his boss Jim Lunford drove up.
"I'm sorry to hear that Gary. Tell ya what. I'll see how the books look, okay? I'll see what I can do. Hang in there man, it's gotta be tough." Gary thought he recognized compassion in his boss' tone and said a little prayer that he was right.
He wanted to just get into his car and drive. The world could just kiss his ass. But he loved Anna. And he would not, could not, abandon her. He stood on the back deck, peering out over a lush lawn that needed trimmed, and the green, healthy beauty of it made him want to cry. Ready to break down, he didn't even hear the front door open and someone go in and out of the house.
He sat stunned. There in the square opening sat a brown paper lunch sack. It was folded over and Gary picked it up, curiosity getting the best of him. Gingerly, he parted the top of the sack as he held his breath in nervous anticipation. He recognized the longhand on the note. It was Lunford's scribbly writing and Gary Thomas read the words softly, as more tears rolled down his cheeks. The twenty-thousand dollars in cash would just about cover Anna's surgery. And he stood up, a new man. A man with hope and gratitude.
I loved the ending where Lunsford left Gary $20,000 dollars. You story was an excellent read. You are a marvelous story teller. . .Melissa.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Hi Melissa...wow. Thank you so. I had many corrections to do, so I really appreciate this kind and welcome review. That you enjoyed it makes the work worthwhile!! HUGS! Susan
Comment from fluffnstuff
wow i didn't know that you also write stories. what a talented person you are. I loved the theme and the ending brought a tear (of happy) to my eyes. worth a 6er to me.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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wow i didn't know that you also write stories. what a talented person you are. I loved the theme and the ending brought a tear (of happy) to my eyes. worth a 6er to me.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Hi Sweet friend. Thank you for this kind and happy review. What a treat in my horrible day. Thank you with all my heart. Love to you. Susan
Comment from anne1204
Very good story with a nice unexpected nice ending. I love a story with a happy ending. Well written and believable. Good luck if this is for a contest. Anne 1204
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Very good story with a nice unexpected nice ending. I love a story with a happy ending. Well written and believable. Good luck if this is for a contest. Anne 1204
Comment Written 27-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Hi Anne! No contest, just trying to learn! I am so happy you liked this. And thank you very much for another kind and welcome review! I am so grateful. Susan
Comment from Fireshadow
Susan, this is such an outstanding work and beautiful story. The narrative and dialogue read flawlessly, including the thought processes of the main character. Your detailed, vivid description and excellent imagery place the reader right into the plot of the story. Only one small suggestion: from the bottom up, 7th paragraph, last line - guy's (add apostrophe). Otherwise, terrific short story and impeccable writing, my friend. Amarillys
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Susan, this is such an outstanding work and beautiful story. The narrative and dialogue read flawlessly, including the thought processes of the main character. Your detailed, vivid description and excellent imagery place the reader right into the plot of the story. Only one small suggestion: from the bottom up, 7th paragraph, last line - guy's (add apostrophe). Otherwise, terrific short story and impeccable writing, my friend. Amarillys
Comment Written 27-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Hi Amarillys! Wow. and THANK YOU SO MUCH! I did go back and try to correct some spags, with everyone's kind help! SO much to remember and learn. Thank you so much...I truly appreciate this encouraging review. Susan
Comment from sugardog
Ahhhh...this was such a sweet story about how good things can happen. There are nice people out there who do care and have the funds to help if they want to. I thought you did a great job with dialogue and your characters were so real and all of it believable. A very nicely written and enjoyable, hopeful piece. Thanks for sharing and I hope you have a wonderful day!! BTW...is that a picture of you and your horse and dog? I love it! Dana
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Ahhhh...this was such a sweet story about how good things can happen. There are nice people out there who do care and have the funds to help if they want to. I thought you did a great job with dialogue and your characters were so real and all of it believable. A very nicely written and enjoyable, hopeful piece. Thanks for sharing and I hope you have a wonderful day!! BTW...is that a picture of you and your horse and dog? I love it! Dana
Comment Written 27-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2010
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Yes, it's Buddy(dog), Buster(horse) and me the ghost...the camera was set wrong, I look pale? I sure appreciate hearing from you Dana. I hope you and Sugar and your family are happy and well. Things here the same, we have the house on the market. I cannot live like this. I have just one shred of hope left...and cling to it like a rope from a cliff. Love to you all. Susan
