Comment from IndianaIrish

Good

Hi ya Mike! Some really funny stuff in this chapter that had me giggling and smiling. Here's some things to look over in this chapter...

what they (had)have done in regards to juvenile justice,

(prospect) prospects of typing out all of the letters,(comma not needed here) and sending them out.

He (had)has also heard many of the states (had)have a boot camp

(sixty-three)63 page outline

It seemed like (all who?)all wanted to read the report

mentioned that they (were)are working on their own, one very similar to(our)ours effort,

gave (them)then to a person who could get the people.

we (had)have our own plan and consider(ed)

place our effort (posting--place and placing too close)) placing them

(Democrats)democrats and the media

(because)the (D)democrats (deleted used)used painted her as a racist

(R)republicans a club

(What man?? the first sentence is about a lady producer)The man was known as Baltimore's first hippie

(whose)who's Sunday evening show,

I decide(d) to write a letter, so that if she (was)is interested

ring she (wore--delete was wearing))was wearing was a wedding band

Big Foot (was)is a subject matter

type of person that I (was)am,

report you (to)your boss with this letter

how good my intentions (were)are

I did what I could (to)hold back my laughter,

While he (was)is notable, he (was)is no Elvis and I wondered if John Belushi had his (clothes)cloths

much as (my)me sister did,

scrub nurse and (ever)every since we knew (delete of her)of her as children

air release from my father's lung(s)

I (forgot)forget, I have to do something

he(her) mother walked into the kitchen

fondue was for (dessert)desert

(Did--delete first just)Just you just say to Jenifer, 'I want to fuck you on the dance floor right now?'

"Oh it was so cute. You were such a gentleman and asked her to dance."

(since the lady said this, add it on to the previous dialogue)"Why? What did you think you said?"

You were a perfect gentleman and (said)say,

(I)The popped the top

"Shit! Your other hand needs one too." (lmaoooooo)


place (erupted)irrupted with laughter

Dad took (off)of the garter and

grabbed me an(d) stuck me in the Conga line.

Aunt Thama walked up to things(???)

lost her husband (C)chic

before she (passed)past

when she (had)has enough and (couldn't)can't handle it anymore, let him know and Chic (would)will pass.

($18,000)$18,0000!

(in)quite (a catatonic)cationic in state

Hopefully those around me (in scouts)in it (would)will have a bit of faith in me as well.
Indy :>)

 Comment Written 20-Jul-2010

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reply by the author on 21-Jul-2010

I am very disappointed with this review. Having not seen a review from you on this for a while, I was hoping that you read it and didn't do the review because there wasn't anything to correct. Sorry. One this site, your are the best! I also love and thank you for being so. With the second to last correction, I rephrased it to, "18,000 dollars!" I wanted the impression of him hitting the roof. I thank you so much for reading this, the corrections, compliments and this review. The next chapter will be very funny to. Mike

Comment from jgirlie152

Excellent

Hi Mike, just finished reading your Chapter 57. It was so interesting, and I could just knock you down for taking so much "guff" from so many people! As I haven't read the rest of your book yet, I sort of came into the middle of it, but you seemed like such a perfect gentleman, it behooves me to understand these women. (long sentence there). I enjoyed reading this and will have to backtrack on the beginning of your story.
Best wishes, Joan

 Comment Written 17-Jul-2010

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reply by the author on 17-Jul-2010

The book has many of the adventures of life and misadventures of love, some hard lessons to learn on my own, so it does tend to be like this chapter, hopefully with the humor coming through as much as possible. I thank you very much for the compliments and this review. The next one will be just as funny as I discover the hard truth about origons of the nnature of women. Mike

reply by jgirlie152 on 17-Jul-2010

...you wouldn't dare!

reply by the author on 17-Jul-2010

LOL, it was not only more pleasurable, but safer for me to be on the mountain, tracking bear without a weapon.

Comment from nursepoet

Good

This story has a lot of chacters in it that I can really relate to, having grown up and now just recently returned to live in the hills of central PA. The piece covers a rather long period of time for such a relatively short piece of writing. It might be better to break it down into several smaller works and expand the descriptions and character development in each. There many strong emotional statements made about the character of certain people with whom you interact. Describing more of their behaviors or including dialogue, would help me as a reader better understand your feelings and your response to them. The part that I liked best, was the interlude at the wedding. It almost reads like a comedy of errors play, and I really enjoyed that.

 Comment Written 17-Jul-2010

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reply by the author on 17-Jul-2010

Yes, even I had to laugh, though it didn't seem all that funny much of the time when it happened. I am tring to keep my chapters at the best length I feel represents the theme best for the books. Mike

Comment from Monte Carbolic

Excellent

Very interesting selection. I don't believe I've read anything from this book before. Quite impressive. You write in a conversational manner, which is a perfect fit with nonfiction. Great work.

 Comment Written 17-Jul-2010

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reply by the author on 17-Jul-2010

I thank you very much for the compliments and this review. Mike.

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

It is advisable to limit your post to under 2000 words. To the best of my knowledge, this is the first time I had experience this story. You have a very clean writing style.
Error
the decision to write each of (the) States and ask them what they have done

 Comment Written 17-Jul-2010

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reply by the author on 17-Jul-2010

I fexed the typo. Everyone seems to bring up the word FanStory word limit, and even downgraded me for it. The problem was, it stopped working for a serious endeavor such as this and would split many of the chapter's themes to the point they lose cohesion. While I try to be as generous as I possibly can with the reviewers, I will be spending close to a thousand dollars posting this. Having to work a double split shift during the week, I fear that I would be spending more time reviewing than writing. While I would get more reviewers and even become more popular, I don't think the quality of the reviews would be and I wouldn't be happy about the outcome of my work. Instead, I think it is best to take my hits, get the few quality reviews that I do and reward the couple reviewers who do an excellent job helping me on a consistant basis. I do thank you for yours. Mike

reply by c_lucas on 17-Jul-2010

You're welcome, Mike. FanStory rules are not perfect.

reply by the author on 17-Jul-2010

It seems that there is a perceived FS rule about he length of a submission, but I haven't been able to find any particular rule book here saying anything but the post a short work, which I feel a complete chapter is fine. While I can see a certain length is a good recomendation, I don't think it would make a very good rule. To be honest, I have grown tired of talking about this and rather instead just take the hits.

If this is an actual rule, then it should be clearly stated, along with the exceptions. I can see how storage space could be an issue and I would be willing to pay a little extra when necessary. If that is the problem, than I shouldn't be using FS to store my portfolio, which I don't want to do because it is a great way to share my writing with notable people and potential publishers.

I also freely promote this site to other writers that I come across. Just today, I gave two of my cards out. The problem is, most writers are rather personal in their writing. I rexomend it for the following reasons:

1)The general good and welcoming nature.
2) The ease of use (Despite my problems and the back flipping I have to do to post a formatted piece. Not helped by the fancy navigation bars.)
3) The fact that there aren't too many restrictions in content or on creativity.
4) If they find the right members, they can learn a lot.

I'll be honest, something extremely stupid happened to me here, which may be a perminant problem for me. One reason I felt forced to stop writing my poetry, not to mention how too many members acted during the election and since. It would be hell's half acre to have to move my portfolio, but I don't think the site would be happy if I lose confidience and stop recommending it.

reply by c_lucas on 18-Jul-2010

Hi Mike, I have studied your replies. You as the author have the right to make your posting as along, or as short as you like. The 2,000 word limit, I mentioned in an earlier reply has nothing to do with FanStory. It is a limit I have decided on for my own work. I have one writer friend who seldom post over a thousand words. While another seldom post under 2,500 words. Both receive a a good supply of reviews. You show great talent as a writer and it is your decision how large of small your post will be. In reviewing, FanStory has a minimal limit of two and 1/2 lines of text. I apologize if I have misled you into believing you can only post "x" amouth of words. Charlie