Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Chapter 3 Part One"Can love survive small town gossip?
74 total reviews
Comment from LadyWave
I LOVE the electricity between Joe and Sara. It really jumps off the page. I'm enjoying how you're building it up slowly, and I'm anxious to see how the reunion is going to play out.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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I LOVE the electricity between Joe and Sara. It really jumps off the page. I'm enjoying how you're building it up slowly, and I'm anxious to see how the reunion is going to play out.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from brey nast
I really enjoyed reading this. It flowed very well and I was hooked after the first paragraph. Although it probably would've been a smarter idea to start form the beginning, I'm sure that's what I'm going to do.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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I really enjoyed reading this. It flowed very well and I was hooked after the first paragraph. Although it probably would've been a smarter idea to start form the beginning, I'm sure that's what I'm going to do.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
Not bad on this one, decent dialogue exchanges.
Some SPAG is apparent.
You need to do some revision. I'm guessing you're not proofing very well.
As usual, the reviews are just great. With the exception of two, they're not helpful and those didn't catch what I have below.
[She watched Joe walk up the sidewalk. He's probably six feet two inches tall and weighs maybe two hundred fifteen pounds of pure muscle. He wore a light gray athletic T-shirt, and she couldn't help but notice muscle definition.] -- Hasn't Sara noticed most of this earlier? It's only logical that she would have.
In the following paragraph you used "watched" again.
[Sara (watched) his dancing brown eyes slide down her body. She forced herself to take a deep breath to keep her desires under control. I need to remember he leaves Sunday and this is already Friday.] -- I may be wrong, but I thought Joe arrived on Friday and this should be Saturday.
[Joe walked up the porch steps and put his arms around her waist.
"Cassie? Did you lose something?" Sara turned and tried to conceal the flush that overcame her cheeks.] -- Why would Sara flush because Cassie saw them? She saw them dance and hold each other. Sara's reaction doesn't work.
["Thank you." She pinched her bottom lip between her teeth. "Did you jog here from your parents'?"] -- Now, Sara's "pinching" her lower lip instead of "chewing" or "biting" it?
["Yep, I'm used to ten mile runs."] -- In the opening of this book Joe parked in front of his parents' house, which was next door to Sara's. The way you've written this line it seems to say he's five-miles away? You need to work on that.
[She answered as his widened eyes.] -- You obviously meant something else.
[If Josh or I did or said even the smallest thing, your dad would come to the rescue.] -- Sara would already know this. You need to recast the line.
[As they stood on the sidewalk, he stared down the street. "Let's go."] -- Dump: "As they stood on the sidewalk." It's unnecessary.
["There's no way we could ever have a serious relationship. He lives five hundred miles away. I live...."] -- Make this internal and in italics. It's better than having her talking to herself in the doorway. Also, the thought is interrupted by her dad. Use the em-dash.
["Get in before all the flies in town follow you." Her father's voice boomed.] -- This doesn't read well. Recast the line.
[She sighed. ("With Daddy.") A smile crossed her lips. "I wonder what tonights reunion will bring. I'm sure it will be interesting." -- "With Daddy." needs to be thought as does the dialogue line before it, but the whole sequence is fragmented and clumsy. It needs a rewrite. I don't think "Daddy" would be capitalized.
Note: a smile doesn't cross the lips, it crosses the face.
Check spelling - tonights needs to be tonight's. Why aren't thses spelling errors being caught by your editor?
Are you writing directly into the FS editor or off-line in Word?
Most, if not all of these "nits" can be avoided if you pay closer attention to what you're writing and proof as you go. We all need to do more of the same.
Ted
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
Not bad on this one, decent dialogue exchanges.
Some SPAG is apparent.
You need to do some revision. I'm guessing you're not proofing very well.
As usual, the reviews are just great. With the exception of two, they're not helpful and those didn't catch what I have below.
[She watched Joe walk up the sidewalk. He's probably six feet two inches tall and weighs maybe two hundred fifteen pounds of pure muscle. He wore a light gray athletic T-shirt, and she couldn't help but notice muscle definition.] -- Hasn't Sara noticed most of this earlier? It's only logical that she would have.
In the following paragraph you used "watched" again.
[Sara (watched) his dancing brown eyes slide down her body. She forced herself to take a deep breath to keep her desires under control. I need to remember he leaves Sunday and this is already Friday.] -- I may be wrong, but I thought Joe arrived on Friday and this should be Saturday.
[Joe walked up the porch steps and put his arms around her waist.
"Cassie? Did you lose something?" Sara turned and tried to conceal the flush that overcame her cheeks.] -- Why would Sara flush because Cassie saw them? She saw them dance and hold each other. Sara's reaction doesn't work.
["Thank you." She pinched her bottom lip between her teeth. "Did you jog here from your parents'?"] -- Now, Sara's "pinching" her lower lip instead of "chewing" or "biting" it?
["Yep, I'm used to ten mile runs."] -- In the opening of this book Joe parked in front of his parents' house, which was next door to Sara's. The way you've written this line it seems to say he's five-miles away? You need to work on that.
[She answered as his widened eyes.] -- You obviously meant something else.
[If Josh or I did or said even the smallest thing, your dad would come to the rescue.] -- Sara would already know this. You need to recast the line.
[As they stood on the sidewalk, he stared down the street. "Let's go."] -- Dump: "As they stood on the sidewalk." It's unnecessary.
["There's no way we could ever have a serious relationship. He lives five hundred miles away. I live...."] -- Make this internal and in italics. It's better than having her talking to herself in the doorway. Also, the thought is interrupted by her dad. Use the em-dash.
["Get in before all the flies in town follow you." Her father's voice boomed.] -- This doesn't read well. Recast the line.
[She sighed. ("With Daddy.") A smile crossed her lips. "I wonder what tonights reunion will bring. I'm sure it will be interesting." -- "With Daddy." needs to be thought as does the dialogue line before it, but the whole sequence is fragmented and clumsy. It needs a rewrite. I don't think "Daddy" would be capitalized.
Note: a smile doesn't cross the lips, it crosses the face.
Check spelling - tonights needs to be tonight's. Why aren't thses spelling errors being caught by your editor?
Are you writing directly into the FS editor or off-line in Word?
Most, if not all of these "nits" can be avoided if you pay closer attention to what you're writing and proof as you go. We all need to do more of the same.
Ted
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Hasn't Sara noticed most of this earlier? She probably noticed, but it's the first time she shared it with the readers.
Joe arrived on Wednesday and the reunion is on Friday, he leaves Sunday. When Joe and Sara danced he made sure there was a distance between them, there would not have been a distance this time. Joe's parents house is next to Sara's parents' house. Sara lives in her grandma's old house, she used to live above the hardware store until her grandma died and willed her the house. With my children they don't always know something and Sara probably didn't believe her dad always came to her rescue. She certainly doesn't want to admit her dad spoiled her. Good question, I don't know why these spelling errors aren't caught my my spell check, because I run it constantly. I will get on the other errors immediately, the eyes widened I have already corrected from another reviewer. Thank you and I will make the corrections. As you can see some of this information was given in previous posts that I was told we didn't need to state because it was already known by either Sara or Joe.
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I have the corrections.
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Okay :)
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Hi :)
Okay, disregard everything I pointed out. Apparently, I've missed a few things.
However, Sara would've taken notice of Joe's appearance right away, not hold it until chapter three. Maybe that's part of the "formula?"
What isn't part of the formula is word repetition and awkward, fragmented narrative, the use of the ellipsis and the em-dash. Those issues need your attention.
If the boys were teasing Sara and her father came to the rescue, then she would have been present and therefore would know about it.
You're using the nervous lip-thing with Sara as a crutch and I've mentioned it before.
One thing I forgot to mention: You're into chapter three and there's very little conflict and nothing major has happened on any level. Formula or not, that's a big plot-error.
If I'm confused, others must be as well.
My critiques are meant to help and I know they tend to dilute all those "fluff" reviews you get every day.
Mark my word, when you submit to agents with the errors I and others have mentioned, there won't be a review. Your work will be rejected without a single word as to why. Are you prepared for that? Somehow, I don't think so.
I don't care to spend an hour or more sifting through your chapters to catch "nits" only to have you make excuses for them.
Follow the formula and keep at it.
Ted
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Excuse me, but I made the corrections. I changed the things you and others have pointed out. I am using hints in the first three chapters to point out the conflict all that irrelvant stuff is pointing to the conflict.
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Okay, I guess you have me baffled. Perhaps I should stay away from reviewing formula romance. Apparently I'm out of my element.
You have it locked down, go for it.
Good luck.
Ted
Comment from Shirley McLain
Great story as usual. Your characters continue to be strong and well matched. Your dialog is excellent. You always leave me wanting more. Good job.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Great story as usual. Your characters continue to be strong and well matched. Your dialog is excellent. You always leave me wanting more. Good job.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from c_lucas
You did an excellent job in this dialogue-driven chapter. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. I think the two are beginning to meld.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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You did an excellent job in this dialogue-driven chapter. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. I think the two are beginning to meld.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
This chapter is marvelous. You are a true talented writer of romance. Natural dialogue, fabulous narrative, great characterization, and vivid imagery- I could see Joe flipping Sarah's pig tales and them racing. Here are some examples of your descriptive writing:
She watched Joe walk up the sidewalk. He's probably six feet two inches tall and weighs maybe two hundred fifteen pounds of pure muscle. He wore a light gray athletic T-shirt, and she couldn't help but notice muscle definition.
"What's wrong?" Cassie's eyes darted from her mom to Joe. When no one answered, she continued, "Where's my blue jacket? Don't forget I'm eating at Angela's tonight. Where's my book bag?" She lifted a pillow from the couch and searched.
"Because I don't want to admit you're getting to me." Pink caressed her cheeks, and he placed his hand on her arm. "When I left the past two nights, you had tears in your eyes. Today, I can't take you to lunch. I'm speaking at our mom's ladies' group."
He brushed the back of his fingers across her cheek. "Each time you've had a good reason. You've never really cried, just had moist eyes. I have a feeling you're very strong."
Her eyes slid down his broad shoulders to his slim waist and hips. She smiled, watching his muscular legs move in the black shorts. She shook her head. "There's no way we could ever have a serious relationship. He lives five hundred miles away. I live...."
Joe is getting to Sarah and she's under his skin. So far these two are my favorite characters of yours. I await the next chapter. Stellar writing in this romance, my friend. . .Melissa!
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Barbara,
This chapter is marvelous. You are a true talented writer of romance. Natural dialogue, fabulous narrative, great characterization, and vivid imagery- I could see Joe flipping Sarah's pig tales and them racing. Here are some examples of your descriptive writing:
She watched Joe walk up the sidewalk. He's probably six feet two inches tall and weighs maybe two hundred fifteen pounds of pure muscle. He wore a light gray athletic T-shirt, and she couldn't help but notice muscle definition.
"What's wrong?" Cassie's eyes darted from her mom to Joe. When no one answered, she continued, "Where's my blue jacket? Don't forget I'm eating at Angela's tonight. Where's my book bag?" She lifted a pillow from the couch and searched.
"Because I don't want to admit you're getting to me." Pink caressed her cheeks, and he placed his hand on her arm. "When I left the past two nights, you had tears in your eyes. Today, I can't take you to lunch. I'm speaking at our mom's ladies' group."
He brushed the back of his fingers across her cheek. "Each time you've had a good reason. You've never really cried, just had moist eyes. I have a feeling you're very strong."
Her eyes slid down his broad shoulders to his slim waist and hips. She smiled, watching his muscular legs move in the black shorts. She shook her head. "There's no way we could ever have a serious relationship. He lives five hundred miles away. I live...."
Joe is getting to Sarah and she's under his skin. So far these two are my favorite characters of yours. I await the next chapter. Stellar writing in this romance, my friend. . .Melissa!
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your ususal cheery review. It always makes me smile.
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I review the way I do it helps me read every word. Keep up the marvelous writing. I love romance I've discovered a user named LadyWave and her romance about a figure skater and her coach.
Melissa!
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I've been reading that one. It's really good.
Comment from bowls
I'm growing fonder and fonder of these two characters and can't wait to read what happens at the reunion. Things are going so wonderfully well for them right now, I guess something will have to happen or it wouldn't be any kind of story! In the paragraph beginning "You shouldn't make promises"...about half way through, you write "as his widened eye". Did you mean to write AS HIS EYES WIDENED?
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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I'm growing fonder and fonder of these two characters and can't wait to read what happens at the reunion. Things are going so wonderfully well for them right now, I guess something will have to happen or it wouldn't be any kind of story! In the paragraph beginning "You shouldn't make promises"...about half way through, you write "as his widened eye". Did you mean to write AS HIS EYES WIDENED?
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Thank you for catching that. I will take care of it immediately. I hate it when I do dumb stuff.
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You're welcome. It was probably the troll who lives under the keyboard who did it!
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I am positive you are right or maybe Evil Eddie changed it after I posted. (LOL)
Comment from Nanashirley
It was another good chapter. There is so much fun in your pictures I can see the scene clearly. I found no editing. Good job.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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It was another good chapter. There is so much fun in your pictures I can see the scene clearly. I found no editing. Good job.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from bhogg
As always, your well crafted tale ended before I was ready. A little confused about: She sighed. "With Daddy." A smile " (O.K., Daddy? I don't know, just looked awkward. Anyhow, another great read. I'm a fan! Bill
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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As always, your well crafted tale ended before I was ready. A little confused about: She sighed. "With Daddy." A smile " (O.K., Daddy? I don't know, just looked awkward. Anyhow, another great read. I'm a fan! Bill
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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I will take another look at it. I wanted to convey the small town and how much she relies on her parents influence. Maybe it didn't work. Thank you as always for your support and the review.
Comment from CKLA
I liked this chapter, Barbara. It moved a little faster, which I enjoyed. It was a good lead in to the reunion. I look forward to seeing what happens.
Collette
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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I liked this chapter, Barbara. It moved a little faster, which I enjoyed. It was a good lead in to the reunion. I look forward to seeing what happens.
Collette
Comment Written 13-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your continued support.
