Will You Be Mine, Forever?
A short romantic story32 total reviews
Comment from LadyWave
I think you did a wonderful job painting a vivid picture of the scene in your story. I could see the rain, hear the thunder, and feel the chill from your descriptions.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
  |
I think you did a wonderful job painting a vivid picture of the scene in your story. I could see the rain, hear the thunder, and feel the chill from your descriptions.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
-
Thank you. I'm happy you were ale to visualize the scene. It was a fun, romantic story to write. I loved the simplicity of it, since real life moments aren't all glitter and fireworks. Thanks for reading. - John
Comment from knowledge
You should have started a short love story contest with this post. I believe that it could have won! Well written.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
 |
You should have started a short love story contest with this post. I believe that it could have won! Well written.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
-
Thank you so much for this wonderful review. Women inspire me with their expressions. This one beckoned to me to write this story. Thanks for the great review. - John
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi John,
I am a hopeless romantic so this story really appeals to me. What could be more romantic than declaring ones love in the rain? A lovely story that I enjoyed reading twice. Well done...chey
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
|
Hi John,
I am a hopeless romantic so this story really appeals to me. What could be more romantic than declaring ones love in the rain? A lovely story that I enjoyed reading twice. Well done...chey
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
-
Hi, Chey. I agree. Proposing in adverse weather conditions is really true love. The picture was awesome. You can't capture that look too often. It was very real and special. - John
Comment from CKLA
This is a wonderful story. It goes well with the picture and I think you captured the woman's expression perfectly.
It's amazing where our inspiration can come from.
Great job.
Collette
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
|
This is a wonderful story. It goes well with the picture and I think you captured the woman's expression perfectly.
It's amazing where our inspiration can come from.
Great job.
Collette
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
-
Thanks, Colette. I think the picture speaks volumes about the womans emotions.- John
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Thesis,
Sounds as if you were so wrapped in each others thoughts, feelings and attentions that the storm sort of snuck up undetected. Still it seems to have worked to your advantage.
Nice romantic finish there.
Patrick
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
|
Hi Thesis,
Sounds as if you were so wrapped in each others thoughts, feelings and attentions that the storm sort of snuck up undetected. Still it seems to have worked to your advantage.
Nice romantic finish there.
Patrick
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
-
Thanks, Patrick. The story kind of just evolvedfrom the picture. The woman's expression captured my heart and I wrote what I felt. Thanks for reading, and for your wonderful comments. - Thesis
Comment from irishauthorme
Sometimes these inspirations make for the best stories. This is brief, but the characters are real, and the emotions are just as intense as the storm.
Good writing!
irish
|
Sometimes these inspirations make for the best stories. This is brief, but the characters are real, and the emotions are just as intense as the storm.
Good writing!
irish
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
Comment from Shirley McLain
It is a very good story but way to short. I wanted more to read. I am a pushover for love stories. Is there going to be more? Good job
|
It is a very good story but way to short. I wanted more to read. I am a pushover for love stories. Is there going to be more? Good job
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Thesis, a sweet and short romance story. Your writing may be slightly wordy, especially with the excess use of adverbs. There are 9 of them in this short piece. Also watch for the overuse of gerund ('ing') words. Well, I've been told to use them sparingly to make sentences more active. See eg here:
For this part:
Lightning forced us to break our embrace, [lying] on the blanket under a huge oak tree. The rain began as we looked toward the sky. The water [hitting] our faces like chilled stones, whipped through the air by the sudden gust of wind that caught us totally by surprise.
Lightning forced us to break our embrace as we lay on the blanket under a huge oak tree. The rain poured the moment we looked toward the sky. Water hit our faces like chilled stones, and the sudden gust of wind that whipped through the air caught us by surprise.
"My hero," she said as I [lovingly] held her [tightly]. - too many adverbs in one sentence.
Sitting next to my beautiful, Linda, her hair, clothes and body drenched, but her spirit, smile, and eyes sparkling, I knew she was the one woman who truly made me happy. - this sentence is rather cluttered. How about:
My beautiful Linda with hair, clothes and body drenched, yet her spirit, smile, and eyes sparkled. Sitting next to her, I knew she was the one woman who truly made me happy.
Hope those help in some way. :)
|
Hi Thesis, a sweet and short romance story. Your writing may be slightly wordy, especially with the excess use of adverbs. There are 9 of them in this short piece. Also watch for the overuse of gerund ('ing') words. Well, I've been told to use them sparingly to make sentences more active. See eg here:
For this part:
Lightning forced us to break our embrace, [lying] on the blanket under a huge oak tree. The rain began as we looked toward the sky. The water [hitting] our faces like chilled stones, whipped through the air by the sudden gust of wind that caught us totally by surprise.
Lightning forced us to break our embrace as we lay on the blanket under a huge oak tree. The rain poured the moment we looked toward the sky. Water hit our faces like chilled stones, and the sudden gust of wind that whipped through the air caught us by surprise.
"My hero," she said as I [lovingly] held her [tightly]. - too many adverbs in one sentence.
Sitting next to my beautiful, Linda, her hair, clothes and body drenched, but her spirit, smile, and eyes sparkling, I knew she was the one woman who truly made me happy. - this sentence is rather cluttered. How about:
My beautiful Linda with hair, clothes and body drenched, yet her spirit, smile, and eyes sparkled. Sitting next to her, I knew she was the one woman who truly made me happy.
Hope those help in some way. :)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
Comment from RazberryBullet
A perfect picture and a perfect story to flesh it out :) How fortuitous he happened to have the ring in his pocket!
Well done!
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
|
A perfect picture and a perfect story to flesh it out :) How fortuitous he happened to have the ring in his pocket!
Well done!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
-
He was a former boy scout, Razz...always prepared, lol. Yes, the picture was perfect as was her smile. - John
Comment from bowls
I'd say you read that expression correctly. A nice, simple little story clearly written. I'm glad you included a happy ending.
|
I'd say you read that expression correctly. A nice, simple little story clearly written. I'm glad you included a happy ending.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2010
