Will You Be Mine, Forever?
A short romantic story32 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Smiles Thesis,
A perfect and sweet romance story no it's not to short.
Well written and a pleasure to read
My goodness what a nice diamond( 2 carts)
Is that you and Linda in the picture?
Gert
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Smiles Thesis,
A perfect and sweet romance story no it's not to short.
Well written and a pleasure to read
My goodness what a nice diamond( 2 carts)
Is that you and Linda in the picture?
Gert
Comment Written 17-Jul-2010
Comment from hemase
This piece really does sum up the artwork that inspired it, good work. Short pieces like this are not easy but you have managed to tell the whole story with just a few words. Good work here.
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This piece really does sum up the artwork that inspired it, good work. Short pieces like this are not easy but you have managed to tell the whole story with just a few words. Good work here.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2010
Comment from 1ClosetWriter
Thank you for explaining the picture. I was going to comment how perfect it was for the story. I appreciate the story being upbeat and positive. Thank you for sharing a lovely event!
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Thank you for explaining the picture. I was going to comment how perfect it was for the story. I appreciate the story being upbeat and positive. Thank you for sharing a lovely event!
Comment Written 17-Jul-2010
Comment from DrCarter2001
Great story, Thesis! Full of emotion, simple yet poignant. You clearly drew much inspiration from that picture, something that I haven't tried doing in a very long time, so I commend you. The characters are well-developed for such a short bit of flash.
I have a few suggestions that I hope you might find helpful. They don't detract from the quality of the story, and you may choose not to make any changes, but I hope you'll consider them as suggestions.
First, you have a lot of adverbs here. I counted seven, though there may be more; some you may want to keep, like "wonderfully comfortable". Others, however, don't add a whole lot: "caught us totally by surprise" if this were dialogue, I'd say keep it, but since it's not, "totally" is unnecessary. "caught us by surprise" is sufficient. "I lovingly held her tightly" -- I would imagine that "lovingly" would include holding someone tight, but in any case the back to back adverbs makes it hard to clearly visualize the embrace. A more descriptive way would be to say, "as I hugged her to my chest". "thoroughly soaked" -- "soaked" implies being completely covered in water, so the "thoroughly" is redundant.
This last suggestions is entirely stylistic so no pressure to use it: In the first line, it sounds as if you break your embrace and then lie on the blanket. I would suggest writing it as "Lightning forced us to break our embrace as we lay on the blanket under the huge oak tree." Of course, this would mean having to change the next line so you don't have back to back "as" phrases, but you could then write that one as "A sudden downpour drew our attention to the sky."
One nit: "Sitting next to my beautiful(,) Linda -- comma not needed.
I wouldn't change anything else about the ending. Hope this was helpful. Cheers!
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Great story, Thesis! Full of emotion, simple yet poignant. You clearly drew much inspiration from that picture, something that I haven't tried doing in a very long time, so I commend you. The characters are well-developed for such a short bit of flash.
I have a few suggestions that I hope you might find helpful. They don't detract from the quality of the story, and you may choose not to make any changes, but I hope you'll consider them as suggestions.
First, you have a lot of adverbs here. I counted seven, though there may be more; some you may want to keep, like "wonderfully comfortable". Others, however, don't add a whole lot: "caught us totally by surprise" if this were dialogue, I'd say keep it, but since it's not, "totally" is unnecessary. "caught us by surprise" is sufficient. "I lovingly held her tightly" -- I would imagine that "lovingly" would include holding someone tight, but in any case the back to back adverbs makes it hard to clearly visualize the embrace. A more descriptive way would be to say, "as I hugged her to my chest". "thoroughly soaked" -- "soaked" implies being completely covered in water, so the "thoroughly" is redundant.
This last suggestions is entirely stylistic so no pressure to use it: In the first line, it sounds as if you break your embrace and then lie on the blanket. I would suggest writing it as "Lightning forced us to break our embrace as we lay on the blanket under the huge oak tree." Of course, this would mean having to change the next line so you don't have back to back "as" phrases, but you could then write that one as "A sudden downpour drew our attention to the sky."
One nit: "Sitting next to my beautiful(,) Linda -- comma not needed.
I wouldn't change anything else about the ending. Hope this was helpful. Cheers!
Comment Written 15-Jul-2010
Comment from hfriscia
This is an excellent piece of writing...I'm not really interested in romantic pieces, but this kept my attention...Excellent writing, deserves a 6
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This is an excellent piece of writing...I'm not really interested in romantic pieces, but this kept my attention...Excellent writing, deserves a 6
Comment Written 15-Jul-2010
Comment from fayesh
A nice little anecdote - short and descriptive. Thunder and lightning is a "great" setting for a proposal. LOL I would be worrying about making it out alive!
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A nice little anecdote - short and descriptive. Thunder and lightning is a "great" setting for a proposal. LOL I would be worrying about making it out alive!
Comment Written 15-Jul-2010
Comment from marcellawachtel
You got all that from the picture, right? Amazing! I believe that this couple on on their way to the car, she fragrant as you described, and he planning his proposal (that's why he's got the big smile on his face.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
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You got all that from the picture, right? Amazing! I believe that this couple on on their way to the car, she fragrant as you described, and he planning his proposal (that's why he's got the big smile on his face.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
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Thanks, Marcella. Yes, he knows this beautiful woman is going to be his. He's prepared to spend his life with her. - John
Comment from Hanna Marie
How refreshing! You read all that from this picture?? What a great sense of imagination and I was thinking how lucky you were to find the perfect art work...LOL now I know why it fits so well. Great job! Hanna
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
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How refreshing! You read all that from this picture?? What a great sense of imagination and I was thinking how lucky you were to find the perfect art work...LOL now I know why it fits so well. Great job! Hanna
Comment Written 15-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
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Hi, Hanna. Thanks. My imagination is wide ranging. I enjoy creating story lines. Props like this picture make it much easier. Thanks for a fun review. - John
Comment from closetpoetjester
What a lovely story John and so well told in merely a few paragraphs. I loved your attention to detail in this tiny snippet into two peoples lives at one of the most important decisions they can face.
Nicely done and a pleasure to read as always. I just love happy endings! (gag! LOL) No seriously, this was a warm and fuzzy feeling kinda story.
Cheers closet xoxo
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
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What a lovely story John and so well told in merely a few paragraphs. I loved your attention to detail in this tiny snippet into two peoples lives at one of the most important decisions they can face.
Nicely done and a pleasure to read as always. I just love happy endings! (gag! LOL) No seriously, this was a warm and fuzzy feeling kinda story.
Cheers closet xoxo
Comment Written 15-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
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Lol. You're priceless! I love your reviews - they are so original. Cheers, John
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Yeah, that's me ... a priceless individual! Heh heh heh
Closet xo
Comment from sugardog
Tiffany's, eh? You have good taste... I enjoyed your sweet romantic tale. Kinda fun to find a picture and write from that. I might have to try that. Nice job and thanks for sharing. Sorry if I am late reviewing-very busy this summer on the farm and with the kiddos!! Hope you are having a good summer! Dana
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
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Tiffany's, eh? You have good taste... I enjoyed your sweet romantic tale. Kinda fun to find a picture and write from that. I might have to try that. Nice job and thanks for sharing. Sorry if I am late reviewing-very busy this summer on the farm and with the kiddos!! Hope you are having a good summer! Dana
Comment Written 15-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
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Hi, Dana. Glad to hear the farm is busy...it's always a good sign in this terrible economy. Thanks for reading my story. There was something in that woman's facial expression that caught my eye and I had to go with it.
It's amazing how inspiring women can be, lol. - John
