Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Chatper 2 Part three"Can love survive small town gossip?
73 total reviews
Comment from Janine Ellis-Fynn
I enjoyed reading this chapter. It has enough excitement to push the plot forward and keep me reading. The dialogue is good and fast paced and the characters authentic and believable. Well done!
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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I enjoyed reading this chapter. It has enough excitement to push the plot forward and keep me reading. The dialogue is good and fast paced and the characters authentic and believable. Well done!
Comment Written 10-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from bookishfabler
That was cool artwork. I enjoyed your chapter and didn't spot a nit or spag or anyhtnig to point out. It was clean and refreshing chapter about getting to know eachother.
hugs book
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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That was cool artwork. I enjoyed your chapter and didn't spot a nit or spag or anyhtnig to point out. It was clean and refreshing chapter about getting to know eachother.
hugs book
Comment Written 10-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear friend. This is a good chapter. YOu develop undercurrents of feelings and relationship, reveal some backstory that contributes to both those aspects as well. As usual your dialog is true to life and well penned with excellent pace. As usual, you have an excellent closing hook.
HOWEVER---I think you need to balance it with more descriptive narrative that gives relevant details and insight into the character, not only rely on dialog for revealing it. Sometimes one's attention gets loss in irrelevant details---and it is good to include some irrelevant details to give the scene life and tangibility, but I think you have a habit of doing this solely through chatty dialog.
Couple of suggestions-
* Not a good device, in my opinion, to open with passive voicing.
Joe is helping Sara with the dishes.
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"Cassie, why don't you show me how it's suppose to be done.(?)"
AS you know, Romance is not my thing and as requested, i am reading for critique and spag. But in spite of myself, I begin to like your characters and wonder what will happen next.
HUGS, rd
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Hi dear friend. This is a good chapter. YOu develop undercurrents of feelings and relationship, reveal some backstory that contributes to both those aspects as well. As usual your dialog is true to life and well penned with excellent pace. As usual, you have an excellent closing hook.
HOWEVER---I think you need to balance it with more descriptive narrative that gives relevant details and insight into the character, not only rely on dialog for revealing it. Sometimes one's attention gets loss in irrelevant details---and it is good to include some irrelevant details to give the scene life and tangibility, but I think you have a habit of doing this solely through chatty dialog.
Couple of suggestions-
* Not a good device, in my opinion, to open with passive voicing.
Joe is helping Sara with the dishes.
.
"Cassie, why don't you show me how it's suppose to be done.(?)"
AS you know, Romance is not my thing and as requested, i am reading for critique and spag. But in spite of myself, I begin to like your characters and wonder what will happen next.
HUGS, rd
Comment Written 10-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. In many of my 'how to write romance books' it states that narrative should only carry about 10% of the story. That's why I use so much dialogue. "Joe is helping Sara with the dishes." is not in my manuscript. I put is there for the readers who can't figure out what is going on. I have them often.
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Ah, that;s one of the reasons I was reluctant to review Romance genre, because I know nothing about it. Thanks for your feedback...will upgrade in light of that. But not sure my reviewing will prove helpful except for the spag---I do try, though! :) HUGS, rd
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I know you do and I do appreciate it.
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thanks dear. hugs, rd
Comment from Readywriter52
Joe is getting more involved with Sara and Cassie. They both seem to like him. Sara seems more cautious. I'm assuming her experience with men hasn't been too good. Joe is leaving soon so Sara might not want to get too involved with him.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Joe is getting more involved with Sara and Cassie. They both seem to like him. Sara seems more cautious. I'm assuming her experience with men hasn't been too good. Joe is leaving soon so Sara might not want to get too involved with him.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from marcellawachtel
It was very easy to get into this part of the plot. I think your ear is very well attuned to the speech patterns of an ongoing courtship, and also to the rhythms of family dynamics-the social aspect- friend calls to remind her of the bake sale, and the familial, Grandma checks in, too. Looking forward to more.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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It was very easy to get into this part of the plot. I think your ear is very well attuned to the speech patterns of an ongoing courtship, and also to the rhythms of family dynamics-the social aspect- friend calls to remind her of the bake sale, and the familial, Grandma checks in, too. Looking forward to more.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dportwood
barbara.wilkey,
Oh Oh! That didn't end on a very positive note - like, 'if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question'.
Well done as the acquaintance gets more personal.
Duane
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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barbara.wilkey,
Oh Oh! That didn't end on a very positive note - like, 'if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question'.
Well done as the acquaintance gets more personal.
Duane
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support. I appreciate both.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
This is an excellent background chapter. I am really pleased with how the characters are developing. I enjoyed this read and have one general comment and several suggestions:
"Angela wants to know if Mr. Joe can come to school for career day next Wednesday and discuss secret agent stuff." I never was a secret agent, but I did work for the Navy (civilian employee). Once I drove a Navy van through Dalton and visited my sister's family. Not exciting so far, but the van's back was filled with land mines (inert, by the way) for a project I was working on. My (then) twelve-year-old nephew couldn't wait to see them. Also, since Cassie doesn't have a father in that slimy little town, it'd be logical for her to have mostly one friend. It's really good for Cassie that she's good at softball.
"Cassie, why don't you show me how it's suppose [supposed] to be done." Since Sara just commented on her less-than-perfect English, you might have done this intentionally. Joe would be too much a gentleman to correct her.
"...but have enough courage to say 'I don't want to'. ( periods go in front of all quotes, including internal ones) Don't just leave."
"I [I'd] better see what she wants."
Dave
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Barbara,
This is an excellent background chapter. I am really pleased with how the characters are developing. I enjoyed this read and have one general comment and several suggestions:
"Angela wants to know if Mr. Joe can come to school for career day next Wednesday and discuss secret agent stuff." I never was a secret agent, but I did work for the Navy (civilian employee). Once I drove a Navy van through Dalton and visited my sister's family. Not exciting so far, but the van's back was filled with land mines (inert, by the way) for a project I was working on. My (then) twelve-year-old nephew couldn't wait to see them. Also, since Cassie doesn't have a father in that slimy little town, it'd be logical for her to have mostly one friend. It's really good for Cassie that she's good at softball.
"Cassie, why don't you show me how it's suppose [supposed] to be done." Since Sara just commented on her less-than-perfect English, you might have done this intentionally. Joe would be too much a gentleman to correct her.
"...but have enough courage to say 'I don't want to'. ( periods go in front of all quotes, including internal ones) Don't just leave."
"I [I'd] better see what she wants."
Dave
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your review. I always value your input and insight.
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
Nice of Cassie to show her mother how it's done. The dialogue and narration was romantic and realistic. Well written chapter, Barbara.
Isaiah
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Nice of Cassie to show her mother how it's done. The dialogue and narration was romantic and realistic. Well written chapter, Barbara.
Isaiah
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Begin Again
Barbara,
You touch on a wide variety of emotions and underlying issues and still allow the characters to interact slowly, gettting to know and understand each other. Great chapter,
Carol
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Barbara,
You touch on a wide variety of emotions and underlying issues and still allow the characters to interact slowly, gettting to know and understand each other. Great chapter,
Carol
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Teri7
This is a very good chapter you have penned. You used very good descriptive wording and very good dialog. Great job my friend. Hugs, Teri
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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This is a very good chapter you have penned. You used very good descriptive wording and very good dialog. Great job my friend. Hugs, Teri
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
