Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Chatper 2 Part three"Can love survive small town gossip?
73 total reviews
Comment from FredCollingwood
Sex! All it takes is one time. I love the way you tell your story and define your characters with dialog. You pack a lot of emotion in this one!
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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Sex! All it takes is one time. I love the way you tell your story and define your characters with dialog. You pack a lot of emotion in this one!
Comment Written 11-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I take it you read the review from the youngester who said he had learned you can't get pregnant your first time. I think he told me once he's 19. I answered him in a PM.
Comment from afternoonlight
A cliff hanger chapter. Very good, all the things I usually say augmented. It is a pleasure to read your work and I am looking forward to new developments
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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A cliff hanger chapter. Very good, all the things I usually say augmented. It is a pleasure to read your work and I am looking forward to new developments
Comment Written 11-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I just received a review that said I didn't leave a hook at the end.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barb. You have superb dialogue in this chapter, however if I may I have a few suggestions:
The most important thing in any chapter is the "hook" Not only opening, but closing also. You have no hook here. Nothing to really draw the reader in. Of course if someone has been reading the book they will "get it" but you always want to assume a new reader is picking up your story and you need something exciting or clever to catch their attention...Always. Also, leave them with a "hook"...something To make them keep turning the pages.
Also:
"Joe is helping Sara with the dishes." I'd make this "Joe helped Sara with the dishes" Keeping everything in past tense)
and:
" As she swallowed, he added, "I care enough about you to get jealous too; so we're even." He lifted a plate to dry."
(detail is a good thing, but swallowing, unless irregular is some way is a stretch...eliminate Or say she "gulped" perhaps.)
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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Hi, Barb. You have superb dialogue in this chapter, however if I may I have a few suggestions:
The most important thing in any chapter is the "hook" Not only opening, but closing also. You have no hook here. Nothing to really draw the reader in. Of course if someone has been reading the book they will "get it" but you always want to assume a new reader is picking up your story and you need something exciting or clever to catch their attention...Always. Also, leave them with a "hook"...something To make them keep turning the pages.
Also:
"Joe is helping Sara with the dishes." I'd make this "Joe helped Sara with the dishes" Keeping everything in past tense)
and:
" As she swallowed, he added, "I care enough about you to get jealous too; so we're even." He lifted a plate to dry."
(detail is a good thing, but swallowing, unless irregular is some way is a stretch...eliminate Or say she "gulped" perhaps.)
Comment Written 11-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I will make the changes.
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You do, and I will be happy to upgrade a star...Tske care, barb....Bob
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I have made the changes, but am still working on the hook.
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Good for you, Barb...that's the hard one. Bob
Comment from Jonez08
Okay Barbara this is my official review. I think a lot areas could have benefitted by some narration, but other than that I like your characters, seems there are painful issues in Sara's past. I'm glad he asked about being raped because that was one of the thoughts I had. I'm interested to see this uncovered and of course love bloom!
Cassie's great, but once in a while I like being alone with you."
(I love his honesty and I like that Sara wasn't offended. Some women would be)
He was careful to keep a large distance between himself and Cassie.
(hmmm... my eyebrows are lifted here)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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Okay Barbara this is my official review. I think a lot areas could have benefitted by some narration, but other than that I like your characters, seems there are painful issues in Sara's past. I'm glad he asked about being raped because that was one of the thoughts I had. I'm interested to see this uncovered and of course love bloom!
Cassie's great, but once in a while I like being alone with you."
(I love his honesty and I like that Sara wasn't offended. Some women would be)
He was careful to keep a large distance between himself and Cassie.
(hmmm... my eyebrows are lifted here)
Cassandra
Comment Written 11-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and can tolerant of different view points on the amount of dialogue. You are a wonderful person.
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You're welcome. You are wonderful as well.
Comment from menachem
Aha! I see that things are starting to happen! Not entirely relevant, but I've learned that a woman can't become pregnant her first time having sex. Have any idea?
Still following.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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Aha! I see that things are starting to happen! Not entirely relevant, but I've learned that a woman can't become pregnant her first time having sex. Have any idea?
Still following.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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I sent you a PM concerning your views on getting pregnant the first time. Thank you for your kind review.
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Got it.
Thanks for the info!
You're welcome.
Comment from mtngalofnc
Hi barbara,
Good chapter. I like the interaction between your characters and can feel their emotions. With your imagery I can easily envision the scenes. A very good background chapter and a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing.
Becky
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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Hi barbara,
Good chapter. I like the interaction between your characters and can feel their emotions. With your imagery I can easily envision the scenes. A very good background chapter and a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing.
Becky
Comment Written 11-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from NightWriter
"Chatper 2 Part three" is another captivating chapter. There's a lot of movement here, making for a fast and entertaining read.
"I guess not, but if I step on your feet fourteen times, it'll be embarrassing." LOL. Good line here.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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"Chatper 2 Part three" is another captivating chapter. There's a lot of movement here, making for a fast and entertaining read.
"I guess not, but if I step on your feet fourteen times, it'll be embarrassing." LOL. Good line here.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from jojo1127
I think this chapter flows very good. This seems like a really good/touching story. I enjoyed the chapter I read and look forward to reading the preceding chapters.
I think you did a wonderful job. Good Luck, LaDonna.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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I think this chapter flows very good. This seems like a really good/touching story. I enjoyed the chapter I read and look forward to reading the preceding chapters.
I think you did a wonderful job. Good Luck, LaDonna.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Rain Chapman
All caught up, I really enjoyed the story this far. It feels real. The characters are easy to identify with (you've captured Cass wonderfully) The chemistry is strong between Joe and Sara and I can't wait to see where they are headed. Hope your weekend is wonderful.
Rain :^)
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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All caught up, I really enjoyed the story this far. It feels real. The characters are easy to identify with (you've captured Cass wonderfully) The chemistry is strong between Joe and Sara and I can't wait to see where they are headed. Hope your weekend is wonderful.
Rain :^)
Comment Written 10-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from zoocq
I love the way you weave your characters in and out of the lines...I can't wait for the next installment and I really enjoy the action and set a scene wile the characters are speaking:
You want to wash or dry?" Joe gently pushed her aside with his hips.
"I'll wash." She pushed back. She filled the sink with water and turned toward him. "I'm sorry about ...."
I can see everything within those small moments you create...keep it up!
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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I love the way you weave your characters in and out of the lines...I can't wait for the next installment and I really enjoy the action and set a scene wile the characters are speaking:
You want to wash or dry?" Joe gently pushed her aside with his hips.
"I'll wash." She pushed back. She filled the sink with water and turned toward him. "I'm sorry about ...."
I can see everything within those small moments you create...keep it up!
Comment Written 10-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I am taking some hits over too much dialogue. I am glad it works for you.
