Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Chapter 2 Part Two"Can love survive small town gossip?
70 total reviews
Comment from RazberryBullet
Sara's really sensitive about Joe and his acquaintances. Hope she mellows out at some point.
Got a chuckle here: Sara stared at her plate. "I've already used our daily allotment of questions."
suggestion: "I used to help Josh mow Grandma Riley's yard.(") He looked up at the ceiling.
I think the story line is working well. Liked this last line: "I care enough about you to get jealous too; so we're even."
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Sara's really sensitive about Joe and his acquaintances. Hope she mellows out at some point.
Got a chuckle here: Sara stared at her plate. "I've already used our daily allotment of questions."
suggestion: "I used to help Josh mow Grandma Riley's yard.(") He looked up at the ceiling.
I think the story line is working well. Liked this last line: "I care enough about you to get jealous too; so we're even."
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your continued support.
Comment from c_lucas
You're dialogue was quite natural and drove the story forward. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Sorry about that.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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You're dialogue was quite natural and drove the story forward. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Sorry about that.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Hey, if I did a good job, why did I receive 4 stars? I would like to know what I need to improve to receive 5 starts.
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I didn't like the ice cream you chose. Cherry vanillia would have been a better choice.(LOL)My hand slipped.
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Not a problem. If I use ice cream agian, I use cherry vanillia.
Comment from Vanagandur
Likes:
-well developed characters
-realistic setting
-smooth flow of information to the reader; no exhaustive portions of text.
Dislikes:
-there were some moments when I wasn't quite sure who was speaking, perhaps more or more specific dialogue tags are needed.
-It sounded strange to me, how a man they know little about prepares dinner, doesn't eat any, then produces dessert, maybe I haven't read enough of the story, but this is slightly convoluted.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this because it was like being a fly on the wal of others' lives; there was no rising action, just some characters living their lives. I cannot imagine reading an entire book like this, but the background information you produced at the start tells me that there is indeed conflict emotionally and physically. Very realistically written.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Likes:
-well developed characters
-realistic setting
-smooth flow of information to the reader; no exhaustive portions of text.
Dislikes:
-there were some moments when I wasn't quite sure who was speaking, perhaps more or more specific dialogue tags are needed.
-It sounded strange to me, how a man they know little about prepares dinner, doesn't eat any, then produces dessert, maybe I haven't read enough of the story, but this is slightly convoluted.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this because it was like being a fly on the wal of others' lives; there was no rising action, just some characters living their lives. I cannot imagine reading an entire book like this, but the background information you produced at the start tells me that there is indeed conflict emotionally and physically. Very realistically written.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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man they know little about prepares dinner, doesn't eat any, then produces dessert, maybe I haven't read enough of the story, but this is slightly convoluted. ---He had already eaten with is parents. He told Sara earlier he would come by after dinner with desert. He was simply helping out. I can promise some interesting twists, but I have to completely set the scene so the twists are followed. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from NadiaScrieva
This chapter was filled with very touching domestic scenes. Joe's character seems to be revealed to be more and more remarkable with every word he speaks.
All the best,
Nadia
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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This chapter was filled with very touching domestic scenes. Joe's character seems to be revealed to be more and more remarkable with every word he speaks.
All the best,
Nadia
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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I think you will like the next post. He helps with dishes and homework. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from missy98writer
Holy cat, what a hot guy in the photo. I'd drop and give him ten. Barbara, you did it again written another stellar chapter to your book 'Another Pretty Face.' Excellent dialogue, great narrative, vivid imagery and wonderful characterization. Here are some examples of your terrific writing:
"I'll take the heat." He winked at her. "We better get our story straight. I forced you to let me help."
As Cassie set the table, Sara walked in wearing jeans and a light blue T-shirt. "I'm glad you're almost done. Mr.. Barnes said he might drop by after dinner with desert." She lifted the ball glove and cap from the table. "Cassie, put these in your room. You know they don't belong in here."
Sara sat at the table. Cassie passed her the bowl of spaghetti, and she dished some onto her plate. She took a bite, hesitated, then another bite. "Cassie, you didn't make this sauce, did you?"
"Eighth grade's boring, but I bet being a secret agent's exciting. I can't wait to tell Angela a secret agent helped me cook dinner."
"I guess I better answer your questions." He set the quarter aside. "I'm active duty Army, but I'm on loan to Task Force 385. That's a special government agency. It fights drug movement within the borders of the US. I'm a colonel, but should get my first star in a few months."
"I called Dani and asked what I should bring for dessert. She suggested butter pecan ice cream. It's also her favorite."
"Is Dani a girlfriend?" she blurted. "Maybe girlfriend isn't the right word. Is she your roommate?"
Joe grinned. "You're definitely jealous." He moved his hands from her shoulders to her elbows, caressing gently. "Dani is Matt's wife. They have two children. Drew's three years old and Emily's six months. Matt and Dani are very much in love. Dani's like a little sister, and I'm an uncle to their kids."
Sara is jealous. I love the repartee between Joe and Sara. I'm glad you mentioned Matt, Dani and other characters from Taskforce 385. Your doing a marvelous job, my friend. I look forward to your next chapter. . .Melissa.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Holy cat, what a hot guy in the photo. I'd drop and give him ten. Barbara, you did it again written another stellar chapter to your book 'Another Pretty Face.' Excellent dialogue, great narrative, vivid imagery and wonderful characterization. Here are some examples of your terrific writing:
"I'll take the heat." He winked at her. "We better get our story straight. I forced you to let me help."
As Cassie set the table, Sara walked in wearing jeans and a light blue T-shirt. "I'm glad you're almost done. Mr.. Barnes said he might drop by after dinner with desert." She lifted the ball glove and cap from the table. "Cassie, put these in your room. You know they don't belong in here."
Sara sat at the table. Cassie passed her the bowl of spaghetti, and she dished some onto her plate. She took a bite, hesitated, then another bite. "Cassie, you didn't make this sauce, did you?"
"Eighth grade's boring, but I bet being a secret agent's exciting. I can't wait to tell Angela a secret agent helped me cook dinner."
"I guess I better answer your questions." He set the quarter aside. "I'm active duty Army, but I'm on loan to Task Force 385. That's a special government agency. It fights drug movement within the borders of the US. I'm a colonel, but should get my first star in a few months."
"I called Dani and asked what I should bring for dessert. She suggested butter pecan ice cream. It's also her favorite."
"Is Dani a girlfriend?" she blurted. "Maybe girlfriend isn't the right word. Is she your roommate?"
Joe grinned. "You're definitely jealous." He moved his hands from her shoulders to her elbows, caressing gently. "Dani is Matt's wife. They have two children. Drew's three years old and Emily's six months. Matt and Dani are very much in love. Dani's like a little sister, and I'm an uncle to their kids."
Sara is jealous. I love the repartee between Joe and Sara. I'm glad you mentioned Matt, Dani and other characters from Taskforce 385. Your doing a marvelous job, my friend. I look forward to your next chapter. . .Melissa.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from marcii
A nice chapter that tells us quite a bit about the characters but leaves things for later,this I like.
Your suttle descriptions are good,the story runs smoothly making it an enjoyable read
Like the picture too.
Marcii
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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A nice chapter that tells us quite a bit about the characters but leaves things for later,this I like.
Your suttle descriptions are good,the story runs smoothly making it an enjoyable read
Like the picture too.
Marcii
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Gideon Roth
Hello Barbara. This was a very well-written chapter. I found no spag in the narrative what so ever and, as usual, you did a perfect job of balancing the narrative with realistic and natural sounding dialogue. I, for one, feel this chapter totally works. It provides the right mix of tension and excitement with a well spaced and balanced format for enjoyable reading. Great job...Tim
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Hello Barbara. This was a very well-written chapter. I found no spag in the narrative what so ever and, as usual, you did a perfect job of balancing the narrative with realistic and natural sounding dialogue. I, for one, feel this chapter totally works. It provides the right mix of tension and excitement with a well spaced and balanced format for enjoyable reading. Great job...Tim
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support. I appreciate both.
Comment from DeRoseJ
I like the story. The setting is nice. I can feel where this story is taking place. I have a few issues however. In the beginning, you mention a ball glove and a ball cap. If these terms are correct then I'd elaborate a bit with some description. If you are referring to a baseball glove and cap then change the term you used. I love the dialogue and to have a piece so dominated by it is not an easy thing to do. I highly suggest sitting back and reading the dialogue aloud. Sometines we write what we want a character to say rater than what a charatrer would say. As an example, not many people will say something such as I got to do something. Most of us speed our words up and say we gotta do something. Remember that grammer does not need to be precise when it comes to the spoken word. Good job here.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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I like the story. The setting is nice. I can feel where this story is taking place. I have a few issues however. In the beginning, you mention a ball glove and a ball cap. If these terms are correct then I'd elaborate a bit with some description. If you are referring to a baseball glove and cap then change the term you used. I love the dialogue and to have a piece so dominated by it is not an easy thing to do. I highly suggest sitting back and reading the dialogue aloud. Sometines we write what we want a character to say rater than what a charatrer would say. As an example, not many people will say something such as I got to do something. Most of us speed our words up and say we gotta do something. Remember that grammer does not need to be precise when it comes to the spoken word. Good job here.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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I did read the dialogue aloud. Maybe I don't speak normal. It's a softball glove and that was explained in an earlier chapter. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from LadyWave
I am continuing to enjoy the blossoming relationship between Joe and Sara. I think you have a great way of expressing Sara's tentativeness and the sparks that are starting to fly between them. There's a lot of conversation in the chapter, so my only suggestion would be to add more narrative and cut back a little on the dialogue, although I do enjoy a lot of dialogue (and yours is very good - very natural). I've been told I have too much talking in my own story sometimes, so I'm still learning what the right balance is. Anyway, to wrap this up, I really enjoyed this chapter and am looking forward to the next! Great picture, too!
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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I am continuing to enjoy the blossoming relationship between Joe and Sara. I think you have a great way of expressing Sara's tentativeness and the sparks that are starting to fly between them. There's a lot of conversation in the chapter, so my only suggestion would be to add more narrative and cut back a little on the dialogue, although I do enjoy a lot of dialogue (and yours is very good - very natural). I've been told I have too much talking in my own story sometimes, so I'm still learning what the right balance is. Anyway, to wrap this up, I really enjoyed this chapter and am looking forward to the next! Great picture, too!
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Thank you, in my romance how to books, I am told that dialogu carries the story and you should use it. I don't know about other genres. Thank you for your kind review.
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Thanks for sharing that - I should probably get one of those books!
Comment from Shirley McLain
Very good chapter. Your characters are very good and you kept the action and tension going. I enjoyed reading to the end and then wanted more. I did not find any spag. Good job.
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reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Very good chapter. Your characters are very good and you kept the action and tension going. I enjoyed reading to the end and then wanted more. I did not find any spag. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
