Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Chapter 2 Part Two"Can love survive small town gossip?
70 total reviews
Comment from Jonez08
Hi Barbara, another good chapter. It works for me because it is establishing relationships between the characters, which I think is important, especially with Cassie. The main two characters will have more time together and can grow as the story moves forth. Once again, I enjoy the easiness of them being together.
The only thing I can pick at is picking up the pace or ejecting words that makes it a bit more exciting and interesting to the reader. This scene could have been enhance with tantalizing spaghetti aromas or the smell of Sara's bodywash when she entered the room and clancking of pots and pans or slippery soapy hands. Anything that plays on the senses, builds interest. I hope this helps!
"I'll help." He opened the refrigerator door.
(slap on the hand. Wash your hands first..lol Okay, I admit this is a pet-peeve of mine)
He set (some) ground beef on the counter and found a skillet.
--consider: He set (a package) of ground beef.
"Mom won't let me call adults by their first name."
--This alone tells me a lot. Her wonderful upbringing and her mother's character. Great way to give information, without flat out saying it. Also, when she looks at the bathroom and back to him. I see a moment of trust and bonding between.
Sara walked in wearing jeans and a light blue (T-shirt).
(t-shirt)
Joe took a drink of water(.)
"What does get your first star mean?" Cassie fingered her glass.
--consider showing the action here first. Cassie fingered her glass. "What does get your star mean?"
(also consider: Cassie stirred her fruit punch with her finger, or whatever she's drinking. Fingered her glass almost sounds of a sexual nature...lol. Of course that could my naughty mind)
A pink tinge covered her cheeks. ("How much homework do you have?" She touched her daughter's arm.)
--same here. Consider swapping these two, so that action is before the dialog. Not always, but most times, action first makes the dialog stronger. And for me it makes more sense to touch her daughter's arm and then ask about her homework.
********Consider swapping here as well. If you're concerned with starting more sentences with Joe or She, you can consider rephrasing some of your previous sentences.
"You want to wash or dry?" Joe gently pushed her aside with his hips.
"I'll wash." She pushed back. She filled the sink with water and then turned toward him.
As she swallowed, he added, "I care enough about you to get jealous too; so we're even."
(Ohhh...I like)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Hi Barbara, another good chapter. It works for me because it is establishing relationships between the characters, which I think is important, especially with Cassie. The main two characters will have more time together and can grow as the story moves forth. Once again, I enjoy the easiness of them being together.
The only thing I can pick at is picking up the pace or ejecting words that makes it a bit more exciting and interesting to the reader. This scene could have been enhance with tantalizing spaghetti aromas or the smell of Sara's bodywash when she entered the room and clancking of pots and pans or slippery soapy hands. Anything that plays on the senses, builds interest. I hope this helps!
"I'll help." He opened the refrigerator door.
(slap on the hand. Wash your hands first..lol Okay, I admit this is a pet-peeve of mine)
He set (some) ground beef on the counter and found a skillet.
--consider: He set (a package) of ground beef.
"Mom won't let me call adults by their first name."
--This alone tells me a lot. Her wonderful upbringing and her mother's character. Great way to give information, without flat out saying it. Also, when she looks at the bathroom and back to him. I see a moment of trust and bonding between.
Sara walked in wearing jeans and a light blue (T-shirt).
(t-shirt)
Joe took a drink of water(.)
"What does get your first star mean?" Cassie fingered her glass.
--consider showing the action here first. Cassie fingered her glass. "What does get your star mean?"
(also consider: Cassie stirred her fruit punch with her finger, or whatever she's drinking. Fingered her glass almost sounds of a sexual nature...lol. Of course that could my naughty mind)
A pink tinge covered her cheeks. ("How much homework do you have?" She touched her daughter's arm.)
--same here. Consider swapping these two, so that action is before the dialog. Not always, but most times, action first makes the dialog stronger. And for me it makes more sense to touch her daughter's arm and then ask about her homework.
********Consider swapping here as well. If you're concerned with starting more sentences with Joe or She, you can consider rephrasing some of your previous sentences.
"You want to wash or dry?" Joe gently pushed her aside with his hips.
"I'll wash." She pushed back. She filled the sink with water and then turned toward him.
As she swallowed, he added, "I care enough about you to get jealous too; so we're even."
(Ohhh...I like)
Cassandra
Comment Written 06-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I will correct those areas. I appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from dmjones
With the jealousy revealed, it shows Sara is really insecure and if that's your intention then this chapter works. Well written chapter and I didn't see a thing I would change.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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With the jealousy revealed, it shows Sara is really insecure and if that's your intention then this chapter works. Well written chapter and I didn't see a thing I would change.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Yes, it is. I want my readers to feel what Sara's feels. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I think you're bring their
relationship on nice and slow,
not too fast - something that
will last.
A smiled crossed
A smile crossed
A great chapter, Barbara.
Margaret.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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I think you're bring their
relationship on nice and slow,
not too fast - something that
will last.
A smiled crossed
A smile crossed
A great chapter, Barbara.
Margaret.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I will fix that typo.
Comment from gerry26
The chapter works to the point that it shows Sara has a strict mom and Joe really likeing her. The part that I did not get is the jealously, they just had lunch, and yes I know they knew each other before but is it to soon for Jealously.? Good dialog, smooth and real. Good scene set up
gerry
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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The chapter works to the point that it shows Sara has a strict mom and Joe really likeing her. The part that I did not get is the jealously, they just had lunch, and yes I know they knew each other before but is it to soon for Jealously.? Good dialog, smooth and real. Good scene set up
gerry
Comment Written 06-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Good point, I will review that area. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from bookishfabler
Jee, Joe is pretty hot, ain't he? I was picturing a little older, but that's just my mind.
I think the chapter just shows a little life in it's simplicity. I don't mean that in a bad way, but a good way. It is just three people getting to know eachother, and you did it very well.
hugs book
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Jee, Joe is pretty hot, ain't he? I was picturing a little older, but that's just my mind.
I think the chapter just shows a little life in it's simplicity. I don't mean that in a bad way, but a good way. It is just three people getting to know eachother, and you did it very well.
hugs book
Comment Written 06-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Joe is a little older, but I couldn't find any other picture. Thank you for your kind review.
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I know, I haven't found a Peter Sharpe yet either.
Comment from fionageorge
I really enjoyed this chapter, and thought your characterisation was excellent. The relationship developing between Sara and Joe seem to be heading towards the next level, and the interaction between Sara and her mother is realistic. (The photo of Joe seems a little young? I thought he might have been late 30s early 40s?).
Overall a good read.
Thanks for sharing and warmest regards, Marijke
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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I really enjoyed this chapter, and thought your characterisation was excellent. The relationship developing between Sara and Joe seem to be heading towards the next level, and the interaction between Sara and her mother is realistic. (The photo of Joe seems a little young? I thought he might have been late 30s early 40s?).
Overall a good read.
Thanks for sharing and warmest regards, Marijke
Comment Written 06-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Joe is in his 40's, but it's all I could find. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Thesis
Okay, Joe looks a little soft to me, but I'll have to give in on this one, lol. After all, you do comment on my girls.
The thing I like about your characterization is that it is so natural. The characters are real - filled with human mistakes, fears and emotions. Good job building the foundation. - John
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Okay, Joe looks a little soft to me, but I'll have to give in on this one, lol. After all, you do comment on my girls.
The thing I like about your characterization is that it is so natural. The characters are real - filled with human mistakes, fears and emotions. Good job building the foundation. - John
Comment Written 06-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Joe will come off very strong later, but I need Sara to fall in love with him before the conflict. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from bowls
I think it works. We get an idea about Sara's values, her relationship with her daughter, and her growing feelings for Joe. Joe's character is developed even more, and he's turning out to be one great guy! I enjoyed looking in on this domestic scene. I like the way your aren't rushing the reader through, but meandering and picking up nice little touches and details as you go. BTW, the first time you use the word dessert you leave out an "s". Thanks for another good chapter. I'll stay tuned for the next one.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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I think it works. We get an idea about Sara's values, her relationship with her daughter, and her growing feelings for Joe. Joe's character is developed even more, and he's turning out to be one great guy! I enjoyed looking in on this domestic scene. I like the way your aren't rushing the reader through, but meandering and picking up nice little touches and details as you go. BTW, the first time you use the word dessert you leave out an "s". Thanks for another good chapter. I'll stay tuned for the next one.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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Thank you for catching the dessert. I will correct that. All the information in this chapter will be needed later. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from menachem
I'll start with the Notes: Fairly decent impression with the picture. It does the job. What do you mean by, "Chapter post"?
It was actually a little hard to tell what was going on: A lot of overlap between Sara and Cassie.
Aside from that, I like where this is headed. So, I guess I'll still be checking in.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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I'll start with the Notes: Fairly decent impression with the picture. It does the job. What do you mean by, "Chapter post"?
It was actually a little hard to tell what was going on: A lot of overlap between Sara and Cassie.
Aside from that, I like where this is headed. So, I guess I'll still be checking in.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2010
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I know men ususally don't like romance, but it's my thing. I don't post entire chapters at a time, they are too long, so I break them up. Later on their will be plenty of action, I promise.
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Not that I don't like it. I'm just a little confused.
I like that you split it up. I wish everyone would.
Comment from PrincessinPurple
This chapter is good. I am getting a better understanding of Sara and Joe relationship. I like the mother and daughter relationship also.I do not see any correction that need to be made.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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This chapter is good. I am getting a better understanding of Sara and Joe relationship. I like the mother and daughter relationship also.I do not see any correction that need to be made.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
