Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 1 Part Two"Can love survive small town gossip?
67 total reviews
Comment from Tellis
Another fine chapter and I hope she gets a chance to show up that snob who tried to humiliate her in the other chapter. Well written and no spags.
Tellis
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Another fine chapter and I hope she gets a chance to show up that snob who tried to humiliate her in the other chapter. Well written and no spags.
Tellis
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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She will, eventually. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
Glad I had time to read another chapter. Looks like romance is about to blossom. Great writing overall, just try to trim some of the speech tags and telling acts. See some suggestions:
"Of course." She smiled and patted Sara's arm. "We'd better go shopping and see what we can find." Linda turned off the iron. - try twisting this part where 'she' and 'a name' is concerned.
"Of course." Linda smiled and patted Sara's arm. "We'd better go shopping and see what we can find." She turned off the iron.
Sara's dad, Mark, came in through the backdoor. "I wondered what happened to my help." He teased, "She's taking a break."
His wife smiled at him. "Sara and I are going shopping for a dress. Joe Barnes invited her to the reunion dinner and dance."
For the above part, you can avoid introducing 'Mark' as Sara's Dad by some switching around. Also at some parts, no need to tell us about the 'teasing' lines. We'd know from the nature of the conversation:
Mark came in through the backdoor. "I wondered what happened to my help." He glanced at his daughter. "Looks like she's taking a break."
Linda smiled at her husband. "Sara and I are going shopping for a dress. Joe Barnes invited her to the reunion dinner and dance."
After running his fingers through his short hair, he added, "It did upset me when Ginger humiliated you in front of me." He hesitated, before he said, "I care." - Too many 'he' here. Also unnecessary speech tags. Try:
Joe ran his fingers through his short hair. "It did upset me when Ginger humiliated you in front of me." He hesitated, then added, "I care."
His heart skipped a beat, when he noticed her eyes sparkle. A grin spread across her face and caused dimples in her cheeks. "This car's definitely a classic, just like its owner," he teased, patting the hood.
Her eyes sparkled and a grin spread across her face, causing dimples in her cheeks. His heart skipped a beat. "This car's definitely a classic, just like its owner." He patted the hood.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Glad I had time to read another chapter. Looks like romance is about to blossom. Great writing overall, just try to trim some of the speech tags and telling acts. See some suggestions:
"Of course." She smiled and patted Sara's arm. "We'd better go shopping and see what we can find." Linda turned off the iron. - try twisting this part where 'she' and 'a name' is concerned.
"Of course." Linda smiled and patted Sara's arm. "We'd better go shopping and see what we can find." She turned off the iron.
Sara's dad, Mark, came in through the backdoor. "I wondered what happened to my help." He teased, "She's taking a break."
His wife smiled at him. "Sara and I are going shopping for a dress. Joe Barnes invited her to the reunion dinner and dance."
For the above part, you can avoid introducing 'Mark' as Sara's Dad by some switching around. Also at some parts, no need to tell us about the 'teasing' lines. We'd know from the nature of the conversation:
Mark came in through the backdoor. "I wondered what happened to my help." He glanced at his daughter. "Looks like she's taking a break."
Linda smiled at her husband. "Sara and I are going shopping for a dress. Joe Barnes invited her to the reunion dinner and dance."
After running his fingers through his short hair, he added, "It did upset me when Ginger humiliated you in front of me." He hesitated, before he said, "I care." - Too many 'he' here. Also unnecessary speech tags. Try:
Joe ran his fingers through his short hair. "It did upset me when Ginger humiliated you in front of me." He hesitated, then added, "I care."
His heart skipped a beat, when he noticed her eyes sparkle. A grin spread across her face and caused dimples in her cheeks. "This car's definitely a classic, just like its owner," he teased, patting the hood.
Her eyes sparkled and a grin spread across her face, causing dimples in her cheeks. His heart skipped a beat. "This car's definitely a classic, just like its owner." He patted the hood.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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I will make those changes. I took a gig a while back that said they didn't know who was speaking so I was trying to make sure that didn't happen again, but I guess I over did it. Thank you for the review. I will get on those changes.
Comment from Sharkey
Well written, the characters seem real and the conversation flows easily. I like that I can see it happening in my mind as I read. Great job, as always.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Well written, the characters seem real and the conversation flows easily. I like that I can see it happening in my mind as I read. Great job, as always.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Kaladore
I think this is a good continuation of the story, it holds interest and fleshes out the characters more. Can't wait to read more!
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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I think this is a good continuation of the story, it holds interest and fleshes out the characters more. Can't wait to read more!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Helen Tan
Barbara, I'm enjoying this story. The dialogue flows well and shows the story and character.
I'm not sure how many scenes you have where Sara and Sandy appears at the same time. This is something I read so I thought I would share this with you. Try not to have similar sounding or looking names as readers sometimes develop lazy eyes. Some people may only read the first two letters "Sa" in their names. This is a minor point but think about it. It only really matters when you have several close encounter with these two characters, switching back and forth. I hope you understand what I'm saying.
Rumor has it she doesn't know who the father is, but I never believed it. She's too good a kid not to know, but it looks like she'll take that secret to her grave."
Well done - incorporating back story into dialogue. Gossip mongers love to exaggerate, make the subject of their gossips appear worse. Unfortunately these people don't realise that these same situations they gossip about could happen to them one day. We're all human.
###
I notice you don't leave a line spacing after the break. I think for presentation, it may look better if you did. Consider a more pleasant looking break other than ###, which looks aggressive and distracting to me. This is a minor point not related to your writing.
She adjusted the sleeve, before she continued ironing.
Suggest you put "Sara's mum adjusted the..." as before this line, there's no mention that the mum was ironing. You just let us know that Sara sat next to her mum.
Linda smiled.
Sara's dad, Mark, came in through the backdoor
You introduced Sara's dad but there's no formal introduction to her mum. In the midst of this segment, you have "Linda" Maybe you could do likewise by inserting "Linda" at the end of this line.
Sara took a shutter to her dad, went inside, and sat beside her mom, Linda.
there's not a ballgame
ball game
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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Barbara, I'm enjoying this story. The dialogue flows well and shows the story and character.
I'm not sure how many scenes you have where Sara and Sandy appears at the same time. This is something I read so I thought I would share this with you. Try not to have similar sounding or looking names as readers sometimes develop lazy eyes. Some people may only read the first two letters "Sa" in their names. This is a minor point but think about it. It only really matters when you have several close encounter with these two characters, switching back and forth. I hope you understand what I'm saying.
Rumor has it she doesn't know who the father is, but I never believed it. She's too good a kid not to know, but it looks like she'll take that secret to her grave."
Well done - incorporating back story into dialogue. Gossip mongers love to exaggerate, make the subject of their gossips appear worse. Unfortunately these people don't realise that these same situations they gossip about could happen to them one day. We're all human.
###
I notice you don't leave a line spacing after the break. I think for presentation, it may look better if you did. Consider a more pleasant looking break other than ###, which looks aggressive and distracting to me. This is a minor point not related to your writing.
She adjusted the sleeve, before she continued ironing.
Suggest you put "Sara's mum adjusted the..." as before this line, there's no mention that the mum was ironing. You just let us know that Sara sat next to her mum.
Linda smiled.
Sara's dad, Mark, came in through the backdoor
You introduced Sara's dad but there's no formal introduction to her mum. In the midst of this segment, you have "Linda" Maybe you could do likewise by inserting "Linda" at the end of this line.
Sara took a shutter to her dad, went inside, and sat beside her mom, Linda.
there's not a ballgame
ball game
Comment Written 30-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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I have changed Sandy to Ginger. I guess I missed this post. I have spelled ballgame this way for years and you are the first person to ever correct me. I just checked my dictionary, you are correct. Thank you!!!!!! I will get on those other areas.
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I think in chapter one or rather in the first part of this chapter, you have it as Sandy too. I thought of telling you then.
You're welcome. =D
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I have already changed that. I thought I had changed this one, but I guess I got interrupted. HUMMM, go figure that happening to a mother.
Comment from NightWriter
Your writing brings the characters to life in this well written, "Chapter 1 Part Two". There's lots of movement and good details to fill our heads with pictures. Well done!
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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Your writing brings the characters to life in this well written, "Chapter 1 Part Two". There's lots of movement and good details to fill our heads with pictures. Well done!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from El.Marjie
Hi Barb,
I enjoyed reading this; just a lot of dialogue between the opposite sexes, but obviously people who have been good friends. I didn't notice any sentences without verbs this time. I did notice a place where Joe was talking, and you have him saying "While home I intend...." People would insert the I'm rather than leave it out as you did. Other than that the chapter looks great, and leaves me eager for the next chapter. God bless! Marjie
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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Hi Barb,
I enjoyed reading this; just a lot of dialogue between the opposite sexes, but obviously people who have been good friends. I didn't notice any sentences without verbs this time. I did notice a place where Joe was talking, and you have him saying "While home I intend...." People would insert the I'm rather than leave it out as you did. Other than that the chapter looks great, and leaves me eager for the next chapter. God bless! Marjie
Comment Written 30-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from gerry26
I love the smooth flow of the dialog. The emotions both shown and felt. You have the makings of a really good story. Your characters are strong and you have added a bit of mystery.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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I love the smooth flow of the dialog. The emotions both shown and felt. You have the makings of a really good story. Your characters are strong and you have added a bit of mystery.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from tspencer
This is a good story that deserves a five star rating. I'm just not the best reviewer of the this Romance genre.
tspencer
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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This is a good story that deserves a five star rating. I'm just not the best reviewer of the this Romance genre.
tspencer
Comment Written 30-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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Romance novels aren't for everyone. I understand that. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from fionageorge
I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, especially, the way you are building up the relationship between Joe and Sara, not rushing it, but I can feel the 'electricity' between them. Excellent use of dialogue, and good decriptive narrative.
Warmest regards, Marijke
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, especially, the way you are building up the relationship between Joe and Sara, not rushing it, but I can feel the 'electricity' between them. Excellent use of dialogue, and good decriptive narrative.
Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment Written 30-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
