Who's Stalking Whom?
Vampire Prompt Entry58 total reviews
Comment from Angelite
Good story line.
good description of Adonis.
speech easy to read and easy to follow.
a little obvious ending but then the vampire had to come into it somewhere.
good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Good story line.
good description of Adonis.
speech easy to read and easy to follow.
a little obvious ending but then the vampire had to come into it somewhere.
good luck in the contest
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Glad you liked it, Angelite. I wanted to keep it humerous and not dark. Thanks for reviewing.
Comment from missy98writer
Writer,
your story is well written for a vampire tale. I loved the twist. Excellent narrative, great dialogue and vivid imagery. Very good descriptive writing, here are some examples:
The impact isn't great enough to explode my car's airbags, but it jerks me forward against the seat restraint. Confusion fogs my brain. It clears, and I jump as the owner of the white Honda opens my driver's side door.
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze, and with a silly grin, he goes to his car. Just my luck. I've just had a fender bender with a guy who has the body of a Greek god, the face of a saint, and the brain of a gnat. I'm no longer nervous.
Don's not as dumb as he first appeared. Undoubtedly, he thought I was going to disappear and leave him standing by his car with egg on his face, but I have other plans. He hasn't even asked my name, which annoys me. I'm a good-looking chick with long dark hair and curves in all the right places, so what's the matter with him? Finally, I agree and he gets in beside me. Tires squealing, I peel out of the parking lot and onto the street.
I hurry into my husband's lair. He's kicked back in his recliner as usual, waiting.
Vlad, my husband, rises with a grace befitting his rank, fangs already gleaming. "Anything but Indian, darling. The curry gives me indigestion."
I loved the humor at the ending. Your story is an excellent entry in the writing prompt. Good luck in the voting booth. I enjoyed reading your cute and cleverly written story.
Missy
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Writer,
your story is well written for a vampire tale. I loved the twist. Excellent narrative, great dialogue and vivid imagery. Very good descriptive writing, here are some examples:
The impact isn't great enough to explode my car's airbags, but it jerks me forward against the seat restraint. Confusion fogs my brain. It clears, and I jump as the owner of the white Honda opens my driver's side door.
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze, and with a silly grin, he goes to his car. Just my luck. I've just had a fender bender with a guy who has the body of a Greek god, the face of a saint, and the brain of a gnat. I'm no longer nervous.
Don's not as dumb as he first appeared. Undoubtedly, he thought I was going to disappear and leave him standing by his car with egg on his face, but I have other plans. He hasn't even asked my name, which annoys me. I'm a good-looking chick with long dark hair and curves in all the right places, so what's the matter with him? Finally, I agree and he gets in beside me. Tires squealing, I peel out of the parking lot and onto the street.
I hurry into my husband's lair. He's kicked back in his recliner as usual, waiting.
Vlad, my husband, rises with a grace befitting his rank, fangs already gleaming. "Anything but Indian, darling. The curry gives me indigestion."
I loved the humor at the ending. Your story is an excellent entry in the writing prompt. Good luck in the voting booth. I enjoyed reading your cute and cleverly written story.
Missy
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Thanks, Missy. I wanted to keep it light to make it a little different. I appreciate your review.
Comment from enjoi
It is an interesting approach to the rules of the contest, and overall I think you did quite well. Just, there are a couple of places where you fall back on cliches (ex: egg on his face) and it's important not to fall back on those crutches. Overall, though, like I said, good story.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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It is an interesting approach to the rules of the contest, and overall I think you did quite well. Just, there are a couple of places where you fall back on cliches (ex: egg on his face) and it's important not to fall back on those crutches. Overall, though, like I said, good story.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Hello, enjoi, and thanks for the vote. I think cliche can work in first-person narrative if not overdone because we do think like we talk. I appreciate your comments and review.
Comment from NightWriter
"Who's Stalking Whom?" is a well crafted and captivating vampire tale. I LOVED it. Great description and perfect dialogue throughout. Well done.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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"Who's Stalking Whom?" is a well crafted and captivating vampire tale. I LOVED it. Great description and perfect dialogue throughout. Well done.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Hello, NightWriter. I wanted to keep it light without going entirely for a spoof. Thanks for reviewing.
Comment from kellyolsen
I love it! Very intelligently written, with some humour laced throughout. And that twist at the end through me right off guard...I though Adonis would be the antagonist vampire. Great work. I have nothing to critique.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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I love it! Very intelligently written, with some humour laced throughout. And that twist at the end through me right off guard...I though Adonis would be the antagonist vampire. Great work. I have nothing to critique.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Hello, Kelly. I'm glad you liked it, and that I got you with the twist. Thanks for reviewing. Vampire tales are fun.
Comment from Ash Madox
*loud applause* Great story; enjoyed every word of it. The characterizations were excellent, and I loved the sassy attitude of the woman grating against the gentleness of the man. Your dialogue and descriptions carried it beautifully, and the twist at the end was very well done considering you know your readers are going to be aware of the threatening element in advance because of the prompt. Asking if hubby likes Greek was fantastic, loved that. Top entry and read. I'll definitely watch for this one in the booth. Best of luck and cheers for the great read. Ash.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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*loud applause* Great story; enjoyed every word of it. The characterizations were excellent, and I loved the sassy attitude of the woman grating against the gentleness of the man. Your dialogue and descriptions carried it beautifully, and the twist at the end was very well done considering you know your readers are going to be aware of the threatening element in advance because of the prompt. Asking if hubby likes Greek was fantastic, loved that. Top entry and read. I'll definitely watch for this one in the booth. Best of luck and cheers for the great read. Ash.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Hello, Ash. Thanks for all the kind words and for your review. It was fun to write, because I didn't know for sure where I was going. How Adonis got in there, I don't know. That's the fun of writing.
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Excellent to see your story won, Nora. Congrats.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
This is great! I wasn't expecting that ending so it deserves a six, but I'm out. Great story, and I'm grinning from ear to ear. Definitely worth the read.
Roberta
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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This is great! I wasn't expecting that ending so it deserves a six, but I'm out. Great story, and I'm grinning from ear to ear. Definitely worth the read.
Roberta
Comment Written 26-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Not to worry, Roberta. I accept virtual sixes. Thanks so much for reviewing, and I'm glad I made you grin.
Comment from SamanthaD.
Oh, excellent! You had me going. I thought "Adonis" was the vampire. I love an ending with an unexpected twist. Nice, very n ice. Good luck with the contest!
Samantha
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reply by the author on 26-Jun-2010
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Oh, excellent! You had me going. I thought "Adonis" was the vampire. I love an ending with an unexpected twist. Nice, very n ice. Good luck with the contest!
Samantha
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2010
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Thanks, Samantha. I hoped you'd think that, hee-hee.
