Who's Stalking Whom?
Vampire Prompt Entry58 total reviews
Comment from Changeisgood
Totally unexpected but it shows my cultural bias to think the woman was going to be the victim and not the man. It works. As I read along I thought the Greek had deliberately stopped short to trap her. As I think about it the only soft spot is that the victim walks by his own choice, into the trap by inviting himself to her house.
I am assuming he had more in mind that getting his neck bitten. You earned those six stars.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Totally unexpected but it shows my cultural bias to think the woman was going to be the victim and not the man. It works. As I read along I thought the Greek had deliberately stopped short to trap her. As I think about it the only soft spot is that the victim walks by his own choice, into the trap by inviting himself to her house.
I am assuming he had more in mind that getting his neck bitten. You earned those six stars.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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And I thank you for them. This was weird to write, and I think later I'll ask on the Story Writing Forum if it happens to other writers. First, I looked at writing a paranormal romance, but decided that had to be much longer, not a short story. Then, I got the idea of a stalker, but decided to put in the fender bender to introduce the characters. The man was going to be the vampire... sort of traditional tall, dark and handsome, but not Slavic, Greek. And then I scrapped that and twisted things so the woman was strong and the man weak. I don't know where all of it came from -- especially not the twist ending.
Comment from JimLee
All I can say is, how funny! Here I am thinking we are about to have a cute little love story, then I find out she has a husband, and then I find out the entire thing was a set up. I thought Don caused the accident in order to latch on to her neck, but, no...
Great writing, great suspense, real scenes, reasonable dialog.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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All I can say is, how funny! Here I am thinking we are about to have a cute little love story, then I find out she has a husband, and then I find out the entire thing was a set up. I thought Don caused the accident in order to latch on to her neck, but, no...
Great writing, great suspense, real scenes, reasonable dialog.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Hi, Jim. Maybe I should always start a story not knowing where the heck I want it to go. I considered a vampire romance (I love 'em) but then I thought a prompt contest wasn't the best spot for that. I debated whether Don should be the vampire, and for a while I thought he was. Then something said, "No. Reverse the traditional roles. Make the man weak and dumb and the woman strong." But I have no idea where Greek Food came from. Great review, and I thank you.
Comment from animatqua
Great job! I really love the twist on the end.
One suggestion: It would be helpful to let the reader in on the narrator's gender at the beginning of the story. Perhaps something during the first paragraph when she is talking about the Honda following her.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Great job! I really love the twist on the end.
One suggestion: It would be helpful to let the reader in on the narrator's gender at the beginning of the story. Perhaps something during the first paragraph when she is talking about the Honda following her.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Good point. Thanks for reviewing and liking this, and when I revise it, I'll do that.
Comment from LadyNyx
Very amusing and not too contrived, I like it. Unfortunately the picture gave it away so you might want to change that. Other than that, this is an excellent story and I can't find anything wrong with it. You might want to draw the tension a little bit, but it's not necessary. Just depends on what you are going for. Good job
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Very amusing and not too contrived, I like it. Unfortunately the picture gave it away so you might want to change that. Other than that, this is an excellent story and I can't find anything wrong with it. You might want to draw the tension a little bit, but it's not necessary. Just depends on what you are going for. Good job
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Unfortunately, that was the only vampire picture available on FanArtReview. Thanks, LadyNyx. Glad you liked it, and I appreciate the review.
Comment from Bellringer
Very well done entry into this contest. The surprise ending was what did it for me. Good dialogue with a nice flow. It was quite believable. Best wishes in the contest. Regards, Hector
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Very well done entry into this contest. The surprise ending was what did it for me. Good dialogue with a nice flow. It was quite believable. Best wishes in the contest. Regards, Hector
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Hello, Hector. I had fun with it, and I appreciate your comments and review.
Comment from elizabethmay
I liked the dialogue in this story. It flowed and I could see the action clearly as I read. The end was a surprise, I felt sorry for poor old Don. Good luck in the competition.
Regards EM
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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I liked the dialogue in this story. It flowed and I could see the action clearly as I read. The end was a surprise, I felt sorry for poor old Don. Good luck in the competition.
Regards EM
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Thanks, ElizabethMay for your review and comments. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Showboat
Okay, see, this is the kind of ending I love in a story like this one. Clever, very well crafted story.
My only possible suggestion might be on the change-out of words below. Can't doc for it, but I suggest some change of your choice, if not this one:
.."a quarter mile ahead and as the white car pulls ahead of me,.."
How would you feel about instead of the first 'ahead' how about 'away'?
That works very well, I think, doesn't seem forced, and it fits.
Best of luck in this contest!
Gayle
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Okay, see, this is the kind of ending I love in a story like this one. Clever, very well crafted story.
My only possible suggestion might be on the change-out of words below. Can't doc for it, but I suggest some change of your choice, if not this one:
.."a quarter mile ahead and as the white car pulls ahead of me,.."
How would you feel about instead of the first 'ahead' how about 'away'?
That works very well, I think, doesn't seem forced, and it fits.
Best of luck in this contest!
Gayle
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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I'll change it. I didn't even see that. Thanks, Gayle.
Comment from ulster3
Hello author.
This is put forth with an excellence in descriptive writing that would be hard to beat. The set-up is a hoot.
lol. The twist ending is fantastic. Reads like a winner to me.
Fondly, Rebecca
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Hello author.
This is put forth with an excellence in descriptive writing that would be hard to beat. The set-up is a hoot.
lol. The twist ending is fantastic. Reads like a winner to me.
Fondly, Rebecca
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Hi, Rebecca. I hope you're right about it being a winner. I had fun writing it, and I appreciate your review and comments.
Comment from Sally Carter
Oh very clever! I am really not into vampires, and nearly didn't bother to visit this voting booth, but I am so glad I did.
I should have read the title more clearly, since it clearly provides a give away, but I didn't. I just waded straight into the story and the ending took me completey unawares.
Super, tight writing. There were no places where I was conscious of you using unnecessary words.
Good dialogue, clever build up of suspense, and a real twist of an ending.
All the elements of a good story, so far as I am concerned!
Best wishes. Sally
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Oh very clever! I am really not into vampires, and nearly didn't bother to visit this voting booth, but I am so glad I did.
I should have read the title more clearly, since it clearly provides a give away, but I didn't. I just waded straight into the story and the ending took me completey unawares.
Super, tight writing. There were no places where I was conscious of you using unnecessary words.
Good dialogue, clever build up of suspense, and a real twist of an ending.
All the elements of a good story, so far as I am concerned!
Best wishes. Sally
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Hello, Sally. The picture gave it away to some, but it was the only one available. The title...well, it did give things away, but it made the story stand out from the others. Thanks so much for reviewing, and for your helpful comments.
Comment from anabelle
LOL! This is priceless. Fabulous entry. What a hoot.
You don't need in the contest. You're going to do just fine.
Thanks for the really good chuckle.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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LOL! This is priceless. Fabulous entry. What a hoot.
You don't need in the contest. You're going to do just fine.
Thanks for the really good chuckle.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Hello, Anabelle. Your comments and review are most welcome.
