Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1 Part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
98 total reviews
Comment from kellyolsen
Okay...I'm completely invested in this story after reading it. I adore the setting and the characters. It's not an unfamiliar plot - boy grows up and falls in love with best friends little sister, who's done a lot of growing up herself. But you have made this plot your own and I can't wait to read the next chapter, thanks to your enticing cliffhanger at the end "Who is teenager's father?". The dialogue was top notch and kept the story moving along perfectly.
Just a few SPAG issues you may want to look at:
While he forced the shutter (loose), his muscles flexed under the short sleeves of his blue Henley.
A healthy pink tint crossed her cheeks, as she[adverted] (you may want to use 'diverted'; adverted means to focus your attention on something, not away from something) her eyes from him.
"You graduated from West Point the same year and (were) sent to Desert Storm at the same time."-*disregard my suggestion if you intended to use 'was' as part of Sara's dialect.*
"So she's a tomboy, like her mom. If I remember right, you tried to join Josh and me at whatever ball game we were playing, and (were) always under foot."
Other than those very few points, I truly enjoyed this story. I especially liked the following line:
"It never could figure out what color it wanted to be and it still hasn't figured it out. Only I think a few gray hairs have been added to the mix." She smiled and held the shutter as a trophy. Very witty and intelligent.
Great job.
Kelly
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Okay...I'm completely invested in this story after reading it. I adore the setting and the characters. It's not an unfamiliar plot - boy grows up and falls in love with best friends little sister, who's done a lot of growing up herself. But you have made this plot your own and I can't wait to read the next chapter, thanks to your enticing cliffhanger at the end "Who is teenager's father?". The dialogue was top notch and kept the story moving along perfectly.
Just a few SPAG issues you may want to look at:
While he forced the shutter (loose), his muscles flexed under the short sleeves of his blue Henley.
A healthy pink tint crossed her cheeks, as she[adverted] (you may want to use 'diverted'; adverted means to focus your attention on something, not away from something) her eyes from him.
"You graduated from West Point the same year and (were) sent to Desert Storm at the same time."-*disregard my suggestion if you intended to use 'was' as part of Sara's dialect.*
"So she's a tomboy, like her mom. If I remember right, you tried to join Josh and me at whatever ball game we were playing, and (were) always under foot."
Other than those very few points, I truly enjoyed this story. I especially liked the following line:
"It never could figure out what color it wanted to be and it still hasn't figured it out. Only I think a few gray hairs have been added to the mix." She smiled and held the shutter as a trophy. Very witty and intelligent.
Great job.
Kelly
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I will get on those errors.
Comment from BeautifulLie
Loved it! Can't wait to see where this goes =) I'm a sucker for romance books and such lol. Thank you for sharing and hope to see more on this soon.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Loved it! Can't wait to see where this goes =) I'm a sucker for romance books and such lol. Thank you for sharing and hope to see more on this soon.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from TheDon
Boy prodigy meets tarnished girl. That has an allure to it. The rest is in the story telling.
This sentence: "You graduated from West Point the same year and was sent to Desert Storm at the same time." Did you mean to say "was"? This occurs repeatedly in the next few sentences. Since it's the characters speaking, I don't know if it's a typo or the way you want them to talk. If it's the way you want them to talk, then it's not consistent with their initial diction.
I'm giving you a 4 because, as a first chapter, there's way too much dialogue. That's OK if this is a script, but this is a novel and you need to write it like one. Instead of talking, the characters actions should speak for them.
Here's a (rather strained) example:
Original: "I'm sure. You need to get a dress." Grinning, his eyes slid down her body. "Your cut-off jeans look great, but I think you'd be more comfortable in a dress." He glanced toward his parent's house and saw his dad working in the garage. "I better get home." He laughed. "Mom will think I got lost."
Sara smiled. "I'm sure they're wondering what you're doing over here for so long. I know they wouldn't approve."
"My parents have never judged you, but they've wondered why you never named Cassie's father. Care to enlighten me?"
"I'd rather not talk about it." She studied the ladder.
"OK." He ran his fingers through his short brown hair. "I'll try to drop by later tonight." He watched her climb up the ladder and grinned at her cute rear-end.
Suggested: "I'm sure. You need to get a dress." Grinning, his eyes slid down her body. Her cut-off jeans looked great, but he thought, after what she'd been through, she'd be more comfortable in a dress. He glanced toward his parent's house and saw his dad working in the garage. "I better get home." He laughed. "Mom will think I got lost."
Sara smiled, wondering whether his parents might be thinking something entirely different. Joe looked into her deep azure eyes and knowingly reassured her. "My parents have never judged you, but they've wondered why you never named Cassie's father. Care to enlighten me?"
"I'd rather not talk about it." She studied the ladder.
He ran his fingers through his short brown hair for moment. Accepting her reluctance, he stood silent and watched her climb up the ladder. He grinned at her cute rear-end, then turned towards his childhood home. He'd come visit Sara later that evening. Maybe then he could get her to talk.
I hope this helps and good luck.
- The Don
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Boy prodigy meets tarnished girl. That has an allure to it. The rest is in the story telling.
This sentence: "You graduated from West Point the same year and was sent to Desert Storm at the same time." Did you mean to say "was"? This occurs repeatedly in the next few sentences. Since it's the characters speaking, I don't know if it's a typo or the way you want them to talk. If it's the way you want them to talk, then it's not consistent with their initial diction.
I'm giving you a 4 because, as a first chapter, there's way too much dialogue. That's OK if this is a script, but this is a novel and you need to write it like one. Instead of talking, the characters actions should speak for them.
Here's a (rather strained) example:
Original: "I'm sure. You need to get a dress." Grinning, his eyes slid down her body. "Your cut-off jeans look great, but I think you'd be more comfortable in a dress." He glanced toward his parent's house and saw his dad working in the garage. "I better get home." He laughed. "Mom will think I got lost."
Sara smiled. "I'm sure they're wondering what you're doing over here for so long. I know they wouldn't approve."
"My parents have never judged you, but they've wondered why you never named Cassie's father. Care to enlighten me?"
"I'd rather not talk about it." She studied the ladder.
"OK." He ran his fingers through his short brown hair. "I'll try to drop by later tonight." He watched her climb up the ladder and grinned at her cute rear-end.
Suggested: "I'm sure. You need to get a dress." Grinning, his eyes slid down her body. Her cut-off jeans looked great, but he thought, after what she'd been through, she'd be more comfortable in a dress. He glanced toward his parent's house and saw his dad working in the garage. "I better get home." He laughed. "Mom will think I got lost."
Sara smiled, wondering whether his parents might be thinking something entirely different. Joe looked into her deep azure eyes and knowingly reassured her. "My parents have never judged you, but they've wondered why you never named Cassie's father. Care to enlighten me?"
"I'd rather not talk about it." She studied the ladder.
He ran his fingers through his short brown hair for moment. Accepting her reluctance, he stood silent and watched her climb up the ladder. He grinned at her cute rear-end, then turned towards his childhood home. He'd come visit Sara later that evening. Maybe then he could get her to talk.
I hope this helps and good luck.
- The Don
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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I can't give Sara's opinion because I am in Joe's POV. Dialogue is showing not telling. I am going to make a hard copy of your review and go over it one line at a time.
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OK, if you can't give Sara's opinion, then describe how Joe can feel it (I think I might have done this somewhere in the revision). Also, regarding dialogue, take a look at recognized best sellers and see how much dialogue is used. Rarely will you see more than 25%-30% dialogue - and some editors will limit it to 10% if they don't tell you to remove it altogether.
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Everything I have read on writing romance writing is exactly the opposite. They want the majority of it to be dialogue. Narrative it telling not showing, dialogue and thought is showing. We are suppose to make our readers feel part of the story, you do that with dialogue. Not tell them a story.
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I stand corrected. I wasn't reviewing this as a romance novel. You're right about different editorial needs. Romance and science fiction are the two genres with the most unique requirements. In fact, Harlequin lists Dialogue as its #3 "like" in its writer submission guidelines (behind #1 Characters and #2 Conflict). This is what Harlequin says specifically about dialogue: "It's the key tool to giving life, energy and pace to your writing. Great dialogue can propel your story; bad dialogue can grind it to a halt. Remember to keep it relevant and consistent to your characters." Harlequin, to my knowledge, is unique in taking a rather formulaic approach to its publications, so what works elsewhere will probably not work at Harlequin - and vice versa. Most "tips on writing" literature suggest dialogue is often the most difficult thing to write (well) and to use dialogue in a judicious manner. In real life, people say a lot of things when they talk. In a novel, characters only say what's important. So, in the sample rewrite I did, I eliminated "OK" and "I'll see you tonight." because I didn't feel that dialogue added:
a) to the tone or mood
b) provided exposition or back story
c) revealed anything about the character
d) built reader empathy
e) moved the plot forward (notice how the rewrite did)
f) quickened the pace
g) created or added to the conflict (again, notice how the rewrite did that)
h) reminded the readers of something important
i) foreshadowed anything (OK, I admit I wasn't sure of this, but the rewrite still allows it).
Remember, even Harlequin warns dialogue can bring the ship done. Dialogue is hard, harder than I can convey in this reply. I think if you start with straight prose first, you can fill in the dialogue later.
My two cents. Remember, never trust anything you read on the internet! :)
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
Nice start, Barbara. The home coming scene was very realistic. I enjoyed it, and found only one spag issue:
"Task Force 385 men seem to always end up helping beautiful woman.>>should be 'A' beautiful woman or 'women'.
Great work.
Isaiah Ramesses
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Nice start, Barbara. The home coming scene was very realistic. I enjoyed it, and found only one spag issue:
"Task Force 385 men seem to always end up helping beautiful woman.>>should be 'A' beautiful woman or 'women'.
Great work.
Isaiah Ramesses
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Thank you for catching that typo for me. I appreciate the review.
Comment from It is me 59
Interesting so far and certainly leaves you wondering about the outcome of this first meeting. In fact, it makes you want to add the other chapters yourself.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Interesting so far and certainly leaves you wondering about the outcome of this first meeting. In fact, it makes you want to add the other chapters yourself.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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My pleasure.
Comment from Gideon Roth
Hello Barbara. You did a very nice job with this. I was happy to see I was getting to start at the beginning of one of your stories. No SPAG or passive voice in this piece. Best of success as this expands....Tim, aka, Gideon
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Hello Barbara. You did a very nice job with this. I was happy to see I was getting to start at the beginning of one of your stories. No SPAG or passive voice in this piece. Best of success as this expands....Tim, aka, Gideon
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I hope I don't disappoint you.
Comment from Rama Rao
Excellent.
You are at your best writing romantic novels. I can feel the romance in the sir already. I'm positive the novel will be of great interest with the twists you promised. The dialogue between Joe and Sara makes interesting reading. I wish you good luck with this novel too.
Having said that, I thought the beginning of the novel lacked a hook to hook the reader's attention straightaway. It was rather sedate. You may consider making it little spectacular.
Standing beside to the ladder-is 'to' essential?
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Excellent.
You are at your best writing romantic novels. I can feel the romance in the sir already. I'm positive the novel will be of great interest with the twists you promised. The dialogue between Joe and Sara makes interesting reading. I wish you good luck with this novel too.
Having said that, I thought the beginning of the novel lacked a hook to hook the reader's attention straightaway. It was rather sedate. You may consider making it little spectacular.
Standing beside to the ladder-is 'to' essential?
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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I will take another look at it. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
You get a "fiver" for effort.
The chapter needs some work. I've read it three times and found no hook. If you don't nail an agent on the first page, they're done.
Joe expects mom to come down the steps soon. Suddenly she's hugging him. Dad's out back and is instantly shaking Joe's hand. The opening dialogue needs to be sparked up a bit.
The girl and her mom are dressed the same and apparently have freckles. That's the way I read it.
The dialogue exchanges are all full of information they both already know. You need to bring those things in a little at a time through narrative, backstory or thought.
Forget the line about Joe and Sara's brother going to the academy together. I think Joe knows that, it's unnecessary.
Within about five minutes, Joe is up a ladder taking down blinds. Is that realistic?
They haven't seen each other in years and in less than twenty minutes Sara reminds Joe that she's an unwed mother.
Joe instantly shells out $65.00 to take Sara to her reunion without even asking her if she wants an escort.
He brings up the death of her brother and they're off sharing more information they are both well aware of. Then Joe tells her his parents have wondered why Sara hasn't named Cassie's father.
Most of the information you've packed into their dialogue exchanges needs to be revealed in small doses over several chapters.
I'm telling you all this because it needs your attention.
I've read your other reviews. I see they're all "fivers" and that Charlie gave a "sixer." A couple do agree with me.
Good luck.
Ted
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
You get a "fiver" for effort.
The chapter needs some work. I've read it three times and found no hook. If you don't nail an agent on the first page, they're done.
Joe expects mom to come down the steps soon. Suddenly she's hugging him. Dad's out back and is instantly shaking Joe's hand. The opening dialogue needs to be sparked up a bit.
The girl and her mom are dressed the same and apparently have freckles. That's the way I read it.
The dialogue exchanges are all full of information they both already know. You need to bring those things in a little at a time through narrative, backstory or thought.
Forget the line about Joe and Sara's brother going to the academy together. I think Joe knows that, it's unnecessary.
Within about five minutes, Joe is up a ladder taking down blinds. Is that realistic?
They haven't seen each other in years and in less than twenty minutes Sara reminds Joe that she's an unwed mother.
Joe instantly shells out $65.00 to take Sara to her reunion without even asking her if she wants an escort.
He brings up the death of her brother and they're off sharing more information they are both well aware of. Then Joe tells her his parents have wondered why Sara hasn't named Cassie's father.
Most of the information you've packed into their dialogue exchanges needs to be revealed in small doses over several chapters.
I'm telling you all this because it needs your attention.
I've read your other reviews. I see they're all "fivers" and that Charlie gave a "sixer." A couple do agree with me.
Good luck.
Ted
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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I am going back to check my romance format, because I am pretty sure I am suppose to introduce the major characters and at least part of the conflict in the first chapter. I have done that. We need to know about Sara's brother and need the information that the families know each other very well. I am also setting the scene of a small rural midwest town. Everybody knows every ones' business. I just checked my reviews. tspencer agreed with you, but he joined in May of 2010. Hardly a review I would pay attention to. And bowls hit me for some mechanics. I checked him out. He joined in March 2010. When I checked my grammar books he was wrong on two out of the three things he pointed out. I will recheck my writing romance books to make sure I am within my formula.
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Hi Barbara :)
Apparently, I'm out of my element in the romance field. If your opening fits the formula then you're off and running.
Good luck with the book and romance agents.
I read somewhere that you can crack the romance publishers without an agent. I wish you well with that too.
Ted
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I am still looking at your advice. I have not ignored it. I am not sure what I am going to do. After your review, one of my male fans reviewed me and agreed. I AM looking at it.
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Hi :)
You're going to get a hundred different takes on this and every other chapter you write.
The DON is way off on all his dialogue comments. Romance or not, good dialogue exchanges give a novel life. I never heard of an editor limiting character speeches to any percentage. I'm working on a lecture regarding extensive dialogue and long narrative from "Your Heart Belongs to Me' by Dean Koontz. The examples will blow Mr. DON right out of the water.
You have to decide how you want to write your dialogue. If the romance formula says you're on track, then continue the way you are. Tell the DON he's all wet and forget what I said. I'm approaching your book from a completely different perspective. I don't understand formula romance and I'll never write that way.
Go by what your books tell you and forget the rest. Just make sure you're SPAG-free and avoid the other little "nits" that you often get caught doing.
You're obviously a sensitive woman. If you let it, all this back and forth and up and down will drive you nuts and create stress.
I'll repeat my earlier suggestion: DON'T PROMOTE! You'll get fewer responses and less conflicting opinions. I promote my lectures so more members can learn from them. Even then, I promote them for four days only and they drop off the listing.
When you posted "Internet Affair" part two you got thirteen pages of comments right away. I read them all and then all the rest that came in right up to over ninety. With the exception of a half-dozen they were mostly fluff. By the sheer number of reviews you won the awards.
Any FS member can put fifty member dollars into a piece and win every possible award. Does that mean they're great writers? No. All it means is that they "bought" the ribbons. Those are all useless awards.
Think about it. What's more important, "best ever" or the best experienced/educated feedback you can get?
Ted
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Ted, I don't promote my work that high. I have a secret angel that likes my work, I guess, anywhere puts me up that high. I know it's hard to believe, but that's what happen.
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Hi Barbara :)
If it were me, I'd find that angel and ask her to stop. She's not helping you.
You can always pull the chapter after two days. That should do the trick.
Actually, I believe you enjoy reading all those reviews. By the time I get ten reviews I've had about enough. I'm over that now from my last lecture, but I promoted it for four days to reach more members.
Enjoy your reviews.
Ted
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I often get different opinions from my reviews. I can sometimes gage what is working and what isn't.
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Hi :)
You'll always get different opinions.
Once my "nits" are caught, usually by Norma, I make the corrections on FS and then in the manuscript. After I've done that, I post the next chapter and move on to finish the book. With that done it's off to the market-mill. Any further changes will come from a publisher-assigned editor, if I'm lucky enough to get the book sold.
I'm bypassing agent representation for "The Magic Meadow" because I want the book in print soon. I'm targeting independent small-press (not self publishing). There are many that offer low or no advance and pay in royalties. Some of them get listings on major bookstore Web sites and Amazon. None of those publishers charge a fee. I'm in the process of finding one now.
My other three novels are making the rounds now and I won't hear from any of the agents for at least another six weeks.
In the meantime, I'll write and post lectures on FS. My latest "From the Top" should be finished later today.
Good luck with your next chapter.
Ted
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This may sound stupid to you, but many of the women are fans of romance. There's certain characteristic of the heroine and hero that are standard. As I read the reviews I look for the comments for them and see if it's working. If the women fall in love with the hero, I have done my job. In my last post, the females wanted to slap Peggy. I did my job. I look for emotions. If I don't get those comments, then I'm not doing my job in romance. I know many reviewers don't understand the mechanics, sentence structure and things like that, but they know if they something. I need that too. That's why women read romance. If I don't get the emotion, it makes no difference how well it's written. The more reviews I get the better I can judge the emotion. Am I making any sense to you?
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Hi :)
Don't kid yourself, the book has to be well written or it won't get published. It doesn't matter how many of your female fans love it.
You're writing formula romance and your how-to books are your guide. Follow whatever the lessons tell you. My input and some of the other reviews you've gathered go against the grain of what your how-to volumes are telling you. According to that information, you're doing it right -- keep doing it that way.
However, when obvious errors are pointed out, which many of your reviewers have caught, including me, correct them. Don't make excuses for them.
I was under the impression that all of the constant conflicting reviews were causing you stress. Apparently, that's not the case. Good. Get whatever it is you're looking for from those comments.
I can't critique your chapters. The required romance formula doesn't work for me. It's light years away from my type of commercial fiction.
You should post an essay asking other female romance writers to review your work. I'll bet there are a ton of them on FS who could be a great help. Write the essay and promote the hell out of it. You'll get a lot of response.
What have you got to lose?
Ted
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara Wilkey,
I'm dubbing you Queen of romance. Your chapter is a very promising story of romance and conflict. The fact Sara is an unwed mother in a small town will add that conflict. I'm sure Sandy will be her 'Peggy.' I adore Joe. Please sent the hunk to me. I loved your description of Sara being a brunette myself. Wonderful characterization, excellent dialogue, great narrative and very good narrative. The imagery placed me in Sara's yard. Keep up the stellar writing, my friend. I look forward to chapter two. . .Melissa.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Barbara Wilkey,
I'm dubbing you Queen of romance. Your chapter is a very promising story of romance and conflict. The fact Sara is an unwed mother in a small town will add that conflict. I'm sure Sandy will be her 'Peggy.' I adore Joe. Please sent the hunk to me. I loved your description of Sara being a brunette myself. Wonderful characterization, excellent dialogue, great narrative and very good narrative. The imagery placed me in Sara's yard. Keep up the stellar writing, my friend. I look forward to chapter two. . .Melissa.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your support.
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You're very welcome. I'm tired and hot I had to go to my podiatrist today for my three month visit. I lucked out he didn't have to do in office surgery on my right big toe again. Last time he gave me a shot to deaden my right foot and scraped down the root of the ingrown toenail it was very painful. I hope your knee is doing great. It's damned hot here in Central Oklahoma 98 degrees and 85% humidity. What part of Oklahoma are you coming to? Didn't you write back Broken Arrow? PM me with response.
Melissa!
Comment from tspencer
This is a good story. I enjoyed reading it. One thing though, I think you may need to refine the dialogue. Sometimes it feels forced, and other times unnecessary. For example:
"You graduated from West Point the same year and was sent to Desert Storm at the same time." She released a deep breath. "Only Josh didn't return home." (Is it necessary for her to tell him he graduated from West Point the same year as her brother. Who would know that better than him. And for her to continue by saying "Only Josh didn't return home," seems redundant since prior to this statement it was made clear that Josh had died at a young age)
tspencer
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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This is a good story. I enjoyed reading it. One thing though, I think you may need to refine the dialogue. Sometimes it feels forced, and other times unnecessary. For example:
"You graduated from West Point the same year and was sent to Desert Storm at the same time." She released a deep breath. "Only Josh didn't return home." (Is it necessary for her to tell him he graduated from West Point the same year as her brother. Who would know that better than him. And for her to continue by saying "Only Josh didn't return home," seems redundant since prior to this statement it was made clear that Josh had died at a young age)
tspencer
Comment Written 23-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2010
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We need to that information later in the book and this is the best place to introduce it.
Thank you for your review.
