Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1 Part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
98 total reviews
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Barbara, nice start to an exciting new novel. May I say this is all you. I feel right at home and ready to go with this novel. It moved fast and already our beloved Joe is into action. You have developed Sara well. Hope this Sandy is not into the Peggy stuff.
Some gremlins for you to decide on:
red brick ranch house [in which] he grew up (in)
His parents (had) bought the house when he was five years old.
and stood beside (to) the ladder
as she adverted her eyes (from him.)
Luv jada
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Hi Barbara, nice start to an exciting new novel. May I say this is all you. I feel right at home and ready to go with this novel. It moved fast and already our beloved Joe is into action. You have developed Sara well. Hope this Sandy is not into the Peggy stuff.
Some gremlins for you to decide on:
red brick ranch house [in which] he grew up (in)
His parents (had) bought the house when he was five years old.
and stood beside (to) the ladder
as she adverted her eyes (from him.)
Luv jada
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Wow, I am amazed how long it takes for the corrections made to reflect. I made those correction about 30 minutes ago. I better check and make sure they took. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sherelynne
A nice story about a small town reunion between Joe and Sara. It sounded very realistic-very real to life. I can feel the anticipation of both parties as they probably wonder what type of attraction will develop between them both.
It held my interest well. Very clearly written.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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A nice story about a small town reunion between Joe and Sara. It sounded very realistic-very real to life. I can feel the anticipation of both parties as they probably wonder what type of attraction will develop between them both.
It held my interest well. Very clearly written.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from adewpearl
and was sent to Desert Storm at the same time - and were sent
You've gotten the book off to a good start -already I like both Joe and Sara, and already I'm rooting for their relationship to take off. Your dialogue is natural and helps further the plot, and you work in a lot of back story quite naturally by having them catch up with each other after Joe's long absence. I can't wait to see what goes down at the reunion when the town hero shows up with the single mom. :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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and was sent to Desert Storm at the same time - and were sent
You've gotten the book off to a good start -already I like both Joe and Sara, and already I'm rooting for their relationship to take off. Your dialogue is natural and helps further the plot, and you work in a lot of back story quite naturally by having them catch up with each other after Joe's long absence. I can't wait to see what goes down at the reunion when the town hero shows up with the single mom. :-) Brooke
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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I am confused about the was and were. Was is singular and in this sentence the subject is singular. I have changed it already many times. Are you positive? Thank you for your review. I appreciate your support.
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You graduated from West Point and were sent to Desert Storm - You were - both singular and plural of "you" takes were
I am/was you are/were he is/was
we are/were you are/wer they are/were
Comment from CKLA
Barbara,
It looks like you have the start of another good book. The characters are well defined. The dialogue flowed well. I can't wait to see where this one leads.
Collette
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Barbara,
It looks like you have the start of another good book. The characters are well defined. The dialogue flowed well. I can't wait to see where this one leads.
Collette
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from dmjones
Hi Barbara, this is an excellent first chapter. I could feel the tension when Sandy drove up. It seemed like she also was thinking of making a play for Joe.
A couple of things to check:
Joe walked across the yard and stood beside to(delete to) the ladder.
She removed the cap and brushed a loose strain (strand) of
He glanced toward his parent's(parents') house
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Hi Barbara, this is an excellent first chapter. I could feel the tension when Sandy drove up. It seemed like she also was thinking of making a play for Joe.
A couple of things to check:
Joe walked across the yard and stood beside to(delete to) the ladder.
She removed the cap and brushed a loose strain (strand) of
He glanced toward his parent's(parents') house
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for catching those. I can't understand how I missed them after I read it so many times.
Comment from jmdg1954
Nicely written... and a novel I caught from the beginning. I hate to play catch up. I began reading and it kept my attention throughout. Denim shorts and a baseball cap have that effect on me! The first sentence... driveway, is one word. I look forward to reading subsequent chapters.
John
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Nicely written... and a novel I caught from the beginning. I hate to play catch up. I began reading and it kept my attention throughout. Denim shorts and a baseball cap have that effect on me! The first sentence... driveway, is one word. I look forward to reading subsequent chapters.
John
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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I can't believe my spellcheck didn't catch driveway, it usually does. Thank you for catching it for me. I appreciate your review.
Comment from ladybird
A marvelous start to your new novel. This held me from start to finish. I liked how you filled the reader in on the backstory through the dialoge, very well done. That Joe is a smooth talker, lol, but I felt it was a bit early in the relationship for him to ask about the girl's father. Look forward to future chapters.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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A marvelous start to your new novel. This held me from start to finish. I liked how you filled the reader in on the backstory through the dialoge, very well done. That Joe is a smooth talker, lol, but I felt it was a bit early in the relationship for him to ask about the girl's father. Look forward to future chapters.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Joe knew her from the time she was born until he went to college. There families are good friends. This will be more developed. Thank you for your kind review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from mchapman
I am so very glad I read this. It has the makings of a beautiful love story and I like that. It carried my interesst all the way through and I never noticed how long it was....great story line and imagery.....mary
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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I am so very glad I read this. It has the makings of a beautiful love story and I like that. It carried my interesst all the way through and I never noticed how long it was....great story line and imagery.....mary
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from rama devi
What a nice start--Joe seems like a considerate character and Sara sounds like the small town scarlet letter woman.
Very good flow in dialog as always.
Just two tiny suggestion
*"I guess I don't need to tell you. Josh and you were best friends."
It is true. She does not need to tell him. Sounds off to me---like you are trying to give backstory this way but it does not seem natural that she would remind him of what he knows in this manner. Maybe just me, but it struck me as odd in this section in general.
*One spag-
If I remember right, you tried to join Josh and me at whatever ball game we were playing, and was(were) always under foot."
Look forward to seeing where this leads.
Love, rd
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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What a nice start--Joe seems like a considerate character and Sara sounds like the small town scarlet letter woman.
Very good flow in dialog as always.
Just two tiny suggestion
*"I guess I don't need to tell you. Josh and you were best friends."
It is true. She does not need to tell him. Sounds off to me---like you are trying to give backstory this way but it does not seem natural that she would remind him of what he knows in this manner. Maybe just me, but it struck me as odd in this section in general.
*One spag-
If I remember right, you tried to join Josh and me at whatever ball game we were playing, and was(were) always under foot."
Look forward to seeing where this leads.
Love, rd
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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I am struggling with the was and were in this. So were goes with you? Thank you for your review.
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HI dear--depends upon the tense--present and past are different. 'You were', not 'you was'. use the verb in a sentence and you can 'hear' the right way.
Love, rd
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I heard it when I said it, but I thought was was singular.
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An easy error dear. :-)
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I actually strive to post error free, but never have made it yet.
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Me too~! You should have seen my recent story on first posting--full of spag. i would have given it three stars (i was tired that day and did not edit properly).
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I've read some of your work and don't remember any Spag.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I love this - so natural and
true-to-life scene you've
painted with your words...
introducing the characters.
blue baseball cap(,) with bright blue eyes,
his blue Henley - not all of us would know what a blue Henley is - perhaps..
his blue Henley t-shirt
brushed a loose strain of hair
.............loose strand
If I remember right(ly)
An enjoyable read, Barbara.
Margaret
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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I love this - so natural and
true-to-life scene you've
painted with your words...
introducing the characters.
blue baseball cap(,) with bright blue eyes,
his blue Henley - not all of us would know what a blue Henley is - perhaps..
his blue Henley t-shirt
brushed a loose strain of hair
.............loose strand
If I remember right(ly)
An enjoyable read, Barbara.
Margaret
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and suggestions. I will get on them.
