Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1 Part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
98 total reviews
Comment from slippery noodles
Fun, uncomplicated beginning. Easy dialogue. A quick dip into the back-story gives just enough information but doesn't drag on. I think I might know these people. Hm. The characters are a little on the perfect side, but then that's kind of how it goes sometimes in romantic fiction. Sandy's entrance and Joe's spontaneous commitment to attend the reunion was a nice hook for the story. I enjoyed the chapter and am looking forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
  |
Fun, uncomplicated beginning. Easy dialogue. A quick dip into the back-story gives just enough information but doesn't drag on. I think I might know these people. Hm. The characters are a little on the perfect side, but then that's kind of how it goes sometimes in romantic fiction. Sandy's entrance and Joe's spontaneous commitment to attend the reunion was a nice hook for the story. I enjoyed the chapter and am looking forward to reading more.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
-
I am glad you enjoyed the first chapter. These people are far from perfect as we will soon find out. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Tellis
I haven't read your other story, but is this romance fiction with adventure in it? If so sign me up. LoL The slight hints you give at the beginning about his task force job have me interested. Keep up the great work.
Tellis
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
|
I haven't read your other story, but is this romance fiction with adventure in it? If so sign me up. LoL The slight hints you give at the beginning about his task force job have me interested. Keep up the great work.
Tellis
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
-
We get involved with child pornography in this one. But the romance is still there. Are you willing to take a chance? Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from bookishfabler
I see another romance novel in the works. Good, I enjoyed your last one.
He watched the rectangular, picture window curtain move and smiled, knowing his mom, Renee, would soon run down the front steps.
I might reword this sentence. Is the curtain waving and smiling? LOL. maybe He smiled when he saw the picture window curtain move,
Her eyes were bright blue, and she had a few perfectly placed freckles across her cheeks, and dimples ran over to them.(This is bit passive)
He noticed her bright blue eyes, a sprinkle of freckles across the bridge of her nose, and the cute dimples when she smiled.
hope this was helpful
hugs
book
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2010
|
I see another romance novel in the works. Good, I enjoyed your last one.
He watched the rectangular, picture window curtain move and smiled, knowing his mom, Renee, would soon run down the front steps.
I might reword this sentence. Is the curtain waving and smiling? LOL. maybe He smiled when he saw the picture window curtain move,
Her eyes were bright blue, and she had a few perfectly placed freckles across her cheeks, and dimples ran over to them.(This is bit passive)
He noticed her bright blue eyes, a sprinkle of freckles across the bridge of her nose, and the cute dimples when she smiled.
hope this was helpful
hugs
book
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your input and I will get right on it. I appreciate your review and support.
-
You're welcome. Since I've been on FS which has been a long time now, I find I read more romance then before. (Well, I never read romance. LOL. I even have read a western. OMG. Unfortueatly I got into it,a nd the author stopped writing chapters. How rude.
hugs Heidi
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
A most enjoyable read, spag free and with dialogue that is so natural, I could 'hear it' in my head. The narrative held my attention from beginning to end and I have enjoyed the read. I hope I'll be able to keep reading.
Hugs
Kat
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
|
A most enjoyable read, spag free and with dialogue that is so natural, I could 'hear it' in my head. The narrative held my attention from beginning to end and I have enjoyed the read. I hope I'll be able to keep reading.
Hugs
Kat
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for you review and support.
Comment from marcellawachtel
Well you have certainly captured MY interest. This looks to be a great romance story and that's my favorite kind! The writing is good and to the point (no pointless meandering around with descriptions of the garden, for example)and your conversation is believable.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
|
Well you have certainly captured MY interest. This looks to be a great romance story and that's my favorite kind! The writing is good and to the point (no pointless meandering around with descriptions of the garden, for example)and your conversation is believable.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for you kind review. I try very hard not to put anything extra in my writing.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This sounds like the beginning of another beautiful story. Your pen is very fertile, and i commend your tireless spirit. I will look out for the sequels because this introductory chapter is well done. kudos
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
|
This sounds like the beginning of another beautiful story. Your pen is very fertile, and i commend your tireless spirit. I will look out for the sequels because this introductory chapter is well done. kudos
Comment Written 25-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for you kind review.
Comment from Thesis
Very nice beginning to your book. Sara sounds like a great girl who got arough break. Joe sounds like a class guy who will protect her honor.
I pity the bullies who are bound to make fun of Sara being with him. I'm looking forward to your next chapter, Barb. - John
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
|
Very nice beginning to your book. Sara sounds like a great girl who got arough break. Joe sounds like a class guy who will protect her honor.
I pity the bullies who are bound to make fun of Sara being with him. I'm looking forward to your next chapter, Barb. - John
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2010
-
You have got it right. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
This is an excellent beginning chapter, and you're right to use it to introduce the characters and show some conflicts. I'll bet the dinner and dance gets stomped on by a lot of catty people.
I enjoyed this read and have a few suggestions:
"As Bob shut the hood, a softball whizzed by Joe and rolled under the car." A softball that whizzed by Joe would be more likely to put a dent in the car than roll under it. I'd change the word "whizzed" to "bounced."
"Her eyes were bright blue, and she had a few perfectly placed freckles across her cheeks, and dimples ran over to them." This sentence seems too long. I'd mention the dimples in a second sentence or farther down the road, and I'd rewrite the freckles as, "Her eyes were bright blue, and a few perfectly placed freckles adorned her cheeks." I also have a tendency to pack too much into a descriptive sentence.
"If I remember right, you tried to join Josh and me at whatever ball game we were playing, and was [were] always under foot."
"If I remember right, you and Josh were always in my way and called me 'munchkin'."['munchkin.'"] A period always goes inside all quotes. This is a big reason why I put out a second edition of Planet of Ice. This also applies to a later sentence in this same paragraph.
"Joe studied her shoulder length brunette hair with natural blonde highlights running through it." Maybe you should change Sara's hair color to auburn. That would go with the freckles. To me, brunette is black, and blonde hilites would look artificial.
"A black convertible corvette drove into the driveway..." If you mean the General Motors sports car, "Corvette" should be capitalized.
Dave
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2010
|
Barbara,
This is an excellent beginning chapter, and you're right to use it to introduce the characters and show some conflicts. I'll bet the dinner and dance gets stomped on by a lot of catty people.
I enjoyed this read and have a few suggestions:
"As Bob shut the hood, a softball whizzed by Joe and rolled under the car." A softball that whizzed by Joe would be more likely to put a dent in the car than roll under it. I'd change the word "whizzed" to "bounced."
"Her eyes were bright blue, and she had a few perfectly placed freckles across her cheeks, and dimples ran over to them." This sentence seems too long. I'd mention the dimples in a second sentence or farther down the road, and I'd rewrite the freckles as, "Her eyes were bright blue, and a few perfectly placed freckles adorned her cheeks." I also have a tendency to pack too much into a descriptive sentence.
"If I remember right, you tried to join Josh and me at whatever ball game we were playing, and was [were] always under foot."
"If I remember right, you and Josh were always in my way and called me 'munchkin'."['munchkin.'"] A period always goes inside all quotes. This is a big reason why I put out a second edition of Planet of Ice. This also applies to a later sentence in this same paragraph.
"Joe studied her shoulder length brunette hair with natural blonde highlights running through it." Maybe you should change Sara's hair color to auburn. That would go with the freckles. To me, brunette is black, and blonde hilites would look artificial.
"A black convertible corvette drove into the driveway..." If you mean the General Motors sports car, "Corvette" should be capitalized.
Dave
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your suggestions and I will get right on them. I appreciate your review and constent support.
Comment from minopavlic
Ms Wilkey, you are certainly a major contender within the writing community, and in reading this its easy to understand why. Everything comes alive amidst the many realistic portrayals found within the romance and mystery.
Thank you for an enjoyable read.
Mino
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
|
Ms Wilkey, you are certainly a major contender within the writing community, and in reading this its easy to understand why. Everything comes alive amidst the many realistic portrayals found within the romance and mystery.
Thank you for an enjoyable read.
Mino
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from El.Marjie
Hi Barbara, So you're starting another book. Your first chapter is interesting. Boy has met girl, and there is mystery...who is her child's father? Best friends...will they become more to one another? Only one small problem. One 'sentence' is missing a verb:
Incomplete sentence: A teenage girl with a brunette ponytail hanging from under a navy blue baseball. Needs a verb, etc. will check in later for another chapter. Best Blessings! Marjie Great beginning.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
|
Hi Barbara, So you're starting another book. Your first chapter is interesting. Boy has met girl, and there is mystery...who is her child's father? Best friends...will they become more to one another? Only one small problem. One 'sentence' is missing a verb:
Incomplete sentence: A teenage girl with a brunette ponytail hanging from under a navy blue baseball. Needs a verb, etc. will check in later for another chapter. Best Blessings! Marjie Great beginning.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
-
I will take look at it, but hanging is a verb. Thank you for your review.
-
Hanging in the sentence you wrote modifies hair, not girl which is the subject. The sentence does need rewriting. Hope this helps. Marjie
-
I finally figured it out!! DUH, sometimes I'm a dummy.
