Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1 Part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
98 total reviews
Comment from nita-applebaum
Interesting. Definitely something I would continue to read. I think it was very well written and I liked the way you've introduced your characters. I would like to know how the date goes! Very good.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Interesting. Definitely something I would continue to read. I think it was very well written and I liked the way you've introduced your characters. I would like to know how the date goes! Very good.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Betinka
So much is revealed in your first chapter - plus a good guess as to the father of Cassie, that I am intrigued as to what else can transpire that will not feel like an anti-climax.
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter and it had better be as good as the first!
Betinka
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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So much is revealed in your first chapter - plus a good guess as to the father of Cassie, that I am intrigued as to what else can transpire that will not feel like an anti-climax.
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter and it had better be as good as the first!
Betinka
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from animatqua
I did not see any technical difficulties in the story. Good job, there. You also did a nice job on introducing the characters.
I would make two suggestions. First, you changed point of view a couple of times, and quite abruptly. You might want to look the piece over and work with that.
Second, you need a gimmick to hold the reader's interest, and it needs to come into the story immediately. Throw in a question. It could be as simple as: ...Renee, would soon run down the front steps. Joe wondered what she would think about what he was planning to do with his life next.
If you choose the question technique, have the character refer back to it to keep the reader's mind on it.
You might throw in something provocative in the first paragraph, something the reader wants to know more about. Maybe something like: There was a bullet in the shoulder of Colonel Joe Barnes. It hurt, and he hated what he was going to have to do about it. That, of course, would come later. Right now he was a soldier coming home, and there was a family waiting to be greeted.
Again, refer back to the image; perhaps by having the wound ache, which pulls Joe's attention (and the reader's) back onto the unresolved situation.
Your story line is good. Your dialogue is good. Your character building is good. It presents a typical situation well. The problem is `typical'. Typical does not hold a reader's attention unless it contributes either a contrast or a support for something atypical. Even in a romance.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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I did not see any technical difficulties in the story. Good job, there. You also did a nice job on introducing the characters.
I would make two suggestions. First, you changed point of view a couple of times, and quite abruptly. You might want to look the piece over and work with that.
Second, you need a gimmick to hold the reader's interest, and it needs to come into the story immediately. Throw in a question. It could be as simple as: ...Renee, would soon run down the front steps. Joe wondered what she would think about what he was planning to do with his life next.
If you choose the question technique, have the character refer back to it to keep the reader's mind on it.
You might throw in something provocative in the first paragraph, something the reader wants to know more about. Maybe something like: There was a bullet in the shoulder of Colonel Joe Barnes. It hurt, and he hated what he was going to have to do about it. That, of course, would come later. Right now he was a soldier coming home, and there was a family waiting to be greeted.
Again, refer back to the image; perhaps by having the wound ache, which pulls Joe's attention (and the reader's) back onto the unresolved situation.
Your story line is good. Your dialogue is good. Your character building is good. It presents a typical situation well. The problem is `typical'. Typical does not hold a reader's attention unless it contributes either a contrast or a support for something atypical. Even in a romance.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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I iwill recheck the POV, I struggle with that, but I thought I stayed in Joe's POV throughout. As for the other issue, I was trying to portray a small quiet country town. Joe isn't shot or changing his life in anyway, he is simply coming home to visit his family. Sara's issues with the father of her daughter are main issue in this story. There will be plenty of twists and turns through, but I didn't want to give it all away up front. I am sorry you didn't like the story. Thank you for your opinions.
Comment from jclark
I am officially hooked and will be following this story. You paint very visual characters and I felt as if I was standing right next to Joe as he conversed with Sara. I am eager to see what's next and will be signing up as a fan for future notifications. Fun story. Can't wait for next chapter. P.S. I was born in Lansing (Michigan)..if that is the Lansing referred to for the picture choice.
Kindly, Judy
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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I am officially hooked and will be following this story. You paint very visual characters and I felt as if I was standing right next to Joe as he conversed with Sara. I am eager to see what's next and will be signing up as a fan for future notifications. Fun story. Can't wait for next chapter. P.S. I was born in Lansing (Michigan)..if that is the Lansing referred to for the picture choice.
Kindly, Judy
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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It's the only Lansing I know, so I hope it's that Lansing. I was raised in Nortern IL. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Beans
I like how you set up the scene in the very beginning, it made for a good read. Some things were a little bit confusing to me though: for example, right when Sara is introduced standing on the ladder, I was slightly confused as to whether she was the kid (Cassie) especially since she had a blue baseball cap on as well. That took me two read through's to understand. And maybe I'm just a bit tired today, (since it's a lazy Sunday) but when Sandy was introduced I had a bit of trouble distinguishing her from Sara, (maybe because their names both start with "S"?) but it was a bit difficult to tell who was talking.
Other than that, I thought it was a great beginning and I look forward to reading the rest.
Elphaba
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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I like how you set up the scene in the very beginning, it made for a good read. Some things were a little bit confusing to me though: for example, right when Sara is introduced standing on the ladder, I was slightly confused as to whether she was the kid (Cassie) especially since she had a blue baseball cap on as well. That took me two read through's to understand. And maybe I'm just a bit tired today, (since it's a lazy Sunday) but when Sandy was introduced I had a bit of trouble distinguishing her from Sara, (maybe because their names both start with "S"?) but it was a bit difficult to tell who was talking.
Other than that, I thought it was a great beginning and I look forward to reading the rest.
Elphaba
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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I will review both of those areas, but none of my previous reviews had problems in those areas. Thank you for your kind reiew.
Comment from Joan E.
And so it begins, a new story, hot on the heels of your last. Thank you for keeping us well fed with your story telling--I don't doubt that there will me many twists along the way. I enjoyed learning about your two key characters so quickly. I especially liked your "single digit midget" description and "trophy" simile. To be continued...
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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And so it begins, a new story, hot on the heels of your last. Thank you for keeping us well fed with your story telling--I don't doubt that there will me many twists along the way. I enjoyed learning about your two key characters so quickly. I especially liked your "single digit midget" description and "trophy" simile. To be continued...
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from RebelRose
Great first chapter. I am already engrossed in the story and anxiously awaiting more. Sounds like the start of a romance going on here.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Great first chapter. I am already engrossed in the story and anxiously awaiting more. Sounds like the start of a romance going on here.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from L.lora
Wow, this shows some promising
escapades. Your start grabs the
reader and before even noticing
the reader is at the end of what
you've presented... Now-I have to
wait until your next post--pooh.
no nits or spags...Lora
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Wow, this shows some promising
escapades. Your start grabs the
reader and before even noticing
the reader is at the end of what
you've presented... Now-I have to
wait until your next post--pooh.
no nits or spags...Lora
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from zoocq
Wonderful start to a great story. I like how you just dive into the story and present that suspese that keeps me coming back for more. Thank you.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Wonderful start to a great story. I like how you just dive into the story and present that suspese that keeps me coming back for more. Thank you.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from PrincessinPurple
This story is starting off really good. You actually gotmy attention with the Background paragraph. I hope I read more soon. Keep up the great story.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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This story is starting off really good. You actually gotmy attention with the Background paragraph. I hope I read more soon. Keep up the great story.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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Your welcome!
