Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1 Part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
98 total reviews
Comment from Connie P
Well, I'm finally back, with a little time to read. So glad to get in on this first chapter. It's an interesting beginning and flawlessly written.
'single digit midget' I love it!!!!
Amazing how time can change people, the class star and hero, taking the "bad girl" to her reunion, priorities change after war, I suppose
Connie
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2010
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Well, I'm finally back, with a little time to read. So glad to get in on this first chapter. It's an interesting beginning and flawlessly written.
'single digit midget' I love it!!!!
Amazing how time can change people, the class star and hero, taking the "bad girl" to her reunion, priorities change after war, I suppose
Connie
Comment Written 16-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2010
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I am so happy you are back and reading my post, but I am I am sorry you don't get the bonus points for reviewing.
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I love the bonus points, but I really wanted to pick up the beginning of your story, it's a good read!
Comment from Rain Chapman
I thought I'd start at the beginning. I think you have succeded in capturing that small town feeling very well. I kind of feel like there is going to be much more between Joe and Sara (unless Ginger has a say? lol) In this next part here I was wondering who Sandy is. I kind of thought Ginger was the only one to step from the car.
"For dinner it's forty dollars and for the dance it's twenty-five." Sandy gulped. "Which one will you escort her to?"
Joe counted out the money. "Here's sixty-five dollars. I'll be escorting her to both events." He handed the money to Sandy.
Ginger took the money and drove away while Sara watched.
I'm off to the next chapter. Take care.
Rain :^)
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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I thought I'd start at the beginning. I think you have succeded in capturing that small town feeling very well. I kind of feel like there is going to be much more between Joe and Sara (unless Ginger has a say? lol) In this next part here I was wondering who Sandy is. I kind of thought Ginger was the only one to step from the car.
"For dinner it's forty dollars and for the dance it's twenty-five." Sandy gulped. "Which one will you escort her to?"
Joe counted out the money. "Here's sixty-five dollars. I'll be escorting her to both events." He handed the money to Sandy.
Ginger took the money and drove away while Sara watched.
I'm off to the next chapter. Take care.
Rain :^)
Comment Written 10-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2010
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I had complaints that Sandy and Sara were too similar, so I changed it to Ginger, I guess I forgot one. Sorry, I will change that. Thank you for your kind review.
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no problem, I enjoyed reading the first chapters of your book :)
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Those are corrected.
Comment from Nicnac
My my my! I love a man who'll take charge! Whew. I do believe I'll get over Steven rather quickly. This guy is a hottie!
I like how this story has started. Cute, high achiever hottie returns to a small town and finds a hottie-mate. I bet he'll have to defend her and teach the small town nobodies a lesson or two in judging and gossip.
Very nice imagery. I could picture the neighborhood, the characters and the atmosphere very well.
Suggestions:
His parents had bought the house (omit 'had')
He watched the rectangular, picture window (window's) curtain move - also, the comma isn't needed.
"Here." She smiled, removing one from her back pocket and handed (handing) it to him.
She released a deep breath, then said, (omit 'then said')
She shielded her eyes from the sun and pointed at (the) large oak trees.
The paragraph beginning with "She chewed her lower lip." should be included in the preceding paragraph, since she is still speaking.
This is already an interesting story and I can't wait to learn more about Hot Joe. I'm hooked. :)
Nic
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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My my my! I love a man who'll take charge! Whew. I do believe I'll get over Steven rather quickly. This guy is a hottie!
I like how this story has started. Cute, high achiever hottie returns to a small town and finds a hottie-mate. I bet he'll have to defend her and teach the small town nobodies a lesson or two in judging and gossip.
Very nice imagery. I could picture the neighborhood, the characters and the atmosphere very well.
Suggestions:
His parents had bought the house (omit 'had')
He watched the rectangular, picture window (window's) curtain move - also, the comma isn't needed.
"Here." She smiled, removing one from her back pocket and handed (handing) it to him.
She released a deep breath, then said, (omit 'then said')
She shielded her eyes from the sun and pointed at (the) large oak trees.
The paragraph beginning with "She chewed her lower lip." should be included in the preceding paragraph, since she is still speaking.
This is already an interesting story and I can't wait to learn more about Hot Joe. I'm hooked. :)
Nic
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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I am off to make the changes. I thought you would like Joe
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
Great start to the novel with some interesting characters and good hooks. I like the Sarah and Joe and can see a nice little romance in the making. I also liked Ginger and can see her throwing a spanner in the works there. On to chapter two x
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2010
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Great start to the novel with some interesting characters and good hooks. I like the Sarah and Joe and can see a nice little romance in the making. I also liked Ginger and can see her throwing a spanner in the works there. On to chapter two x
Comment Written 07-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
Interesting and nice intro to another story. So, you're still sticking to Task Force scenes. A couple of notes/suggestions:
She stood [up] with the ball in her hand. - you can do away with 'up'. We only stand up, not any other way.
Sara's eyes widened [as she stared]. - I think the last few words are unnecessary.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Interesting and nice intro to another story. So, you're still sticking to Task Force scenes. A couple of notes/suggestions:
She stood [up] with the ball in her hand. - you can do away with 'up'. We only stand up, not any other way.
Sara's eyes widened [as she stared]. - I think the last few words are unnecessary.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2010
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Thank you for catching those. I will make the changes.
Comment from Helen Tan
Romance based on childhood friendship - I like this type of romance. You did a good job of peppering the backstory into your dialogue in this chapter and the introduction of your main characters is effectively done.
It's been awhile,
been a while,
He noticed her eyes were bright blue,
Consider - He noticed her bright blue eyes
"Boy, did you ever grow up!" He noticed her bright blue eyes, enticing smile,
I feel after what he has said, "noticed" seems mild, almost casual wheras he's obviously very taken and surprised by the changes in Sara. Maybe "He absorbed her bright blue eyes..." something to give a deeper sense, beyond notice which seems too cursory. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
Her legs aren't bad, either.
Great internal dialogue. I would even consider - Hmmm ... great legs.
"I guess the last time I saw you was at Josh's funeral."
I like this tension here - a dead brother.
"I was Sandy Wright
Aha - a rival in love maybe? Straight away we're introduced to the parties involved. I like this. I'm wondering why you used " was" rather than " I'm Sandy Wright"
but they've wondered why you never named Cassie's father. Care to enlighten me?"
Great, another piece of intigue to keep us hanging on.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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Romance based on childhood friendship - I like this type of romance. You did a good job of peppering the backstory into your dialogue in this chapter and the introduction of your main characters is effectively done.
It's been awhile,
been a while,
He noticed her eyes were bright blue,
Consider - He noticed her bright blue eyes
"Boy, did you ever grow up!" He noticed her bright blue eyes, enticing smile,
I feel after what he has said, "noticed" seems mild, almost casual wheras he's obviously very taken and surprised by the changes in Sara. Maybe "He absorbed her bright blue eyes..." something to give a deeper sense, beyond notice which seems too cursory. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
Her legs aren't bad, either.
Great internal dialogue. I would even consider - Hmmm ... great legs.
"I guess the last time I saw you was at Josh's funeral."
I like this tension here - a dead brother.
"I was Sandy Wright
Aha - a rival in love maybe? Straight away we're introduced to the parties involved. I like this. I'm wondering why you used " was" rather than " I'm Sandy Wright"
but they've wondered why you never named Cassie's father. Care to enlighten me?"
Great, another piece of intigue to keep us hanging on.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2010
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I am glad you are back, I trust you had a great time. I appreciate your eagle eye. Thank you for your support.
Comment from plyweed
He noticed her eyes were bright blue, sprinkle of freckles
I really like your story and am interested to read more. Your opening does a good job on bringing the reader up to date on what is going on.
You also do a very nice job of introducing your characters. I like the way you used Cassie to bridge Joe and Sara together.
He noticed her eyes were bright blue,freckles across her cheeks, and the cute dimples when she smiled.~ this sentence was kind of awkward as I read it. I had to read it a couple of times and still couldn't get it to flow. I like the description, I think it just needs to be reworded for better flow.
cut off jeans are worn by both mother and daughter, this seems redundant
The entire town was behind the soldiers ~ Changing the soldiers to their soldiers might reinforce the fact that the town rallied behind the soldiers that they knew.
I liked the twist of the other woman coming to see Sara about the reunion and the way Joe took charge of that. Sara's reaction is interesting and I am anxious to see how it ties in to the rest of the story.
I'm wondering about the time this story takes place, I don't think an unwed mother would be such a stigma during the time of the Iraq war.
I am looking forward to reading the rest of your story and getting to know Joe and Sara better.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
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He noticed her eyes were bright blue, sprinkle of freckles
I really like your story and am interested to read more. Your opening does a good job on bringing the reader up to date on what is going on.
You also do a very nice job of introducing your characters. I like the way you used Cassie to bridge Joe and Sara together.
He noticed her eyes were bright blue,freckles across her cheeks, and the cute dimples when she smiled.~ this sentence was kind of awkward as I read it. I had to read it a couple of times and still couldn't get it to flow. I like the description, I think it just needs to be reworded for better flow.
cut off jeans are worn by both mother and daughter, this seems redundant
The entire town was behind the soldiers ~ Changing the soldiers to their soldiers might reinforce the fact that the town rallied behind the soldiers that they knew.
I liked the twist of the other woman coming to see Sara about the reunion and the way Joe took charge of that. Sara's reaction is interesting and I am anxious to see how it ties in to the rest of the story.
I'm wondering about the time this story takes place, I don't think an unwed mother would be such a stigma during the time of the Iraq war.
I am looking forward to reading the rest of your story and getting to know Joe and Sara better.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2010
cut off jeans are worn by both mother and daughter, this seems redundant (That's what they where in a small rurual town in the midwest, sorry, just being realistic.) It was during Desert Storm in the 1990's. I hate to tell you but unwed mother's are still taboo in some sections of rural America. I will relook the other sentence. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from afternoonlight
Good story, great dialog, wonderful character development, makes me want to read more. You are a talent and a good story teller.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Good story, great dialog, wonderful character development, makes me want to read more. You are a talent and a good story teller.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from MercyWrites
I enjoyed the read, and I thought your first chapter had a good pace. With the details, I could picture your characters. I do have a nitpick. I noticed that you use the word "it" a lot. I would rework some of your sentences, and see if you can remove a few. I paste some of the word "it" I found below.
It's been awhile, hasn't it?"
because it's the middle of the week."
I checked it at the last gas station."
"Sorry, Mr. Barnes. It got away from me."
"Maybe I can get it."
She yanked it back from him.
"It's me. I see you've already met my daughter, Cassie."
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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I enjoyed the read, and I thought your first chapter had a good pace. With the details, I could picture your characters. I do have a nitpick. I noticed that you use the word "it" a lot. I would rework some of your sentences, and see if you can remove a few. I paste some of the word "it" I found below.
It's been awhile, hasn't it?"
because it's the middle of the week."
I checked it at the last gas station."
"Sorry, Mr. Barnes. It got away from me."
"Maybe I can get it."
She yanked it back from him.
"It's me. I see you've already met my daughter, Cassie."
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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The it is there because I was told to use a pronoun instead of the noun. I can see what you are saying, Now wonder what to do? Thank you for your kind review. I will check into it.
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Hi, I would play with the wording. It's been awhile, hasn't it, or I know we have'nt seen each other in while.
It's me. I see you've already met my daughter. I would try something different. Remember me, I see you already met my daughter.
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I use two of your sentences, and I change them a bit.
Comment from patmedium
The father was probably his brother, judging by the way she teared up! I am not too sure I will stay with this, yet... I don't read sloppy romances, they make me feel uncomfortable. LOL. It is, however, the first chapter one part one of yours I have come across, so I'll stick around for a while! (Nicely written, by the way ... images very well painted in my mind) Pat. xxx
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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The father was probably his brother, judging by the way she teared up! I am not too sure I will stay with this, yet... I don't read sloppy romances, they make me feel uncomfortable. LOL. It is, however, the first chapter one part one of yours I have come across, so I'll stick around for a while! (Nicely written, by the way ... images very well painted in my mind) Pat. xxx
Comment Written 27-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your review. Romances aren't for everybody, I understand that. I can promise action and twists, although I write romances, I try to add a little more to them. My manuscripts have been classified by some as romance/suspense. I don't know if I completely agree or not.
