Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 " Special forces soldier"A book of Poetry & Writing
60 total reviews
Comment from krdeering
While this is definitely difficult to read with the boldface italic font and lack of normal punctuation, etc., it seems absolutely appropriate to the subject matter. A person would have to be crazy to "enjoy" reading about such brutality, but not to appreciate the account of it. Thank you for posting.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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While this is definitely difficult to read with the boldface italic font and lack of normal punctuation, etc., it seems absolutely appropriate to the subject matter. A person would have to be crazy to "enjoy" reading about such brutality, but not to appreciate the account of it. Thank you for posting.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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welcome Krdeering and thank you for the review
Comment from Ruthi Hurwitz
Wow, that is one powerful story. I liked the colloquial way in which it was written, as if told by an out of breath soldier. One thing for sure, I was riveted - you totally gripped my attention. Thanks, I enjoyed reading this
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Wow, that is one powerful story. I liked the colloquial way in which it was written, as if told by an out of breath soldier. One thing for sure, I was riveted - you totally gripped my attention. Thanks, I enjoyed reading this
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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thank you Ruthi
Comment from lola29
OMG! The life of a soldier is certainly a treacherous one. Thank you for writing this and giving us a glimpse into the day of those brave men and women, who put their lives on the line for us.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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OMG! The life of a soldier is certainly a treacherous one. Thank you for writing this and giving us a glimpse into the day of those brave men and women, who put their lives on the line for us.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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thank you Lola for your review
Comment from pjleigh
It's very hard to read that italic bold...I'm also having trouble with whether the format is for poetry or prose. There aren't end marks signifying where one thought ends and the next begins.
That being said, the actual content is intriguing, once you can figure it out. It reads like a diary entry and gives us an intimate look at the hardships soldiers face. With some reformatting it could really be good.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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It's very hard to read that italic bold...I'm also having trouble with whether the format is for poetry or prose. There aren't end marks signifying where one thought ends and the next begins.
That being said, the actual content is intriguing, once you can figure it out. It reads like a diary entry and gives us an intimate look at the hardships soldiers face. With some reformatting it could really be good.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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this was not a poem Pj
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is just terrible, such
barbaric treatment, but of course,
we know it does go on. When will
all the fighting stop!! No one
really wins in war that leaves so
much devastation, and more widows
and orphans.
I've a tendency to have itchy fingers when it comes
to editing, Gary - and can't help but add punctuation,
but if you prefer I didn't, then please say so, my friend.
Operate at night(,) hide during the day(,) hoping
killing two of your team(;) the game's over
Naked in a cold wet room (with) hands and feet tied
No sleep but more beatings no food, water just
No sleep but more beating; no food or water, just beatings
Margaret
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
This is just terrible, such
barbaric treatment, but of course,
we know it does go on. When will
all the fighting stop!! No one
really wins in war that leaves so
much devastation, and more widows
and orphans.
I've a tendency to have itchy fingers when it comes
to editing, Gary - and can't help but add punctuation,
but if you prefer I didn't, then please say so, my friend.
Operate at night(,) hide during the day(,) hoping
killing two of your team(;) the game's over
Naked in a cold wet room (with) hands and feet tied
No sleep but more beatings no food, water just
No sleep but more beating; no food or water, just beatings
Margaret
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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thank you for the help and comments Margaret
Comment from Shirley McLain
What a riveting story. Your writing brings visions to my mind I do not necessarily want to see. It has such intensity. You did an excellent job.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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What a riveting story. Your writing brings visions to my mind I do not necessarily want to see. It has such intensity. You did an excellent job.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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thank you Tex for the review
Comment from gramalot8
Deepwater, this is a very good description and image of what can happen when out in the field as a special forces soldier. Per your notes: I thought women were already out as combat soldiers, although I don't think they should be just for the reasons you suggest. I will have to read the other chapters.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Deepwater, this is a very good description and image of what can happen when out in the field as a special forces soldier. Per your notes: I thought women were already out as combat soldiers, although I don't think they should be just for the reasons you suggest. I will have to read the other chapters.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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thank you for the review gramalot
Comment from midgev
Deepwater,
You write a chilling account of wars reality. It is too easy for us to turn our heads and not think about all of this while our soldiers suffer the terror to perserve our way of life. Thanks you for reminding me. Great serious gritty writing, fine job!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Deepwater,
You write a chilling account of wars reality. It is too easy for us to turn our heads and not think about all of this while our soldiers suffer the terror to perserve our way of life. Thanks you for reminding me. Great serious gritty writing, fine job!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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thank you midgev for thr review
Comment from rama devi
Hi Gary.
This is intense and well conceived, but still needs work from a technical point of view. you make the reader work too hard by not using punctuaiton and the basic norms for writing prose. it appears more like a pom the way you have it formatted.
You have valuable things to say and I would love to see you polish the style into a more reader-friendly and potentially publishable format. Not sure why you choose the style you do? Is there a purpose behind it?
Your odd style makes the reader labor to read this---I can;t imagine this is what you want?
Why not post as poetry since it is not really prose?
The block of same-length lines without line breaks, paragraphs, or punctuated sentences makes this a chore to read, which is unfortunate, as otherwise it has much to offer.
This is more a poetic portrait-sketch like a snap shot of a moment than an actual short story, so on that level i think it suits the poetry genre more aptly than prose.
You have odd capitalization style as well, confusing the reader even more.
I have noticed that despite in depth feedback and suggestions from conscientious reviewers, you have not made edits. As listing the spag issues would take hours, instead i will make a gesture of offering you a revised version as an example of how this could be made to read smoothly with proper grammar, punctuaiton and formatting. Hopefully, it appeals to you and inspires you to make the effort to learn the basics of prose writing so you can express your gift more coherently.
It is important to have full sentences making the subject clear as well as the verb. Also, numbers are easier to read when spelled out (and it is grammatically correct to do so).
SUGGESTED EDIT-
Sierra Alpha Sierra soldiers carry equipment that would kill the average man with its minimum 80 pound backpacks plus weapons and radios. On a bad day, you can travel 10 miles in 2 hours with full equipment.
Most learn to sleep on the walk, or for five of the ten minutes of each two hour stop. Fifty to one hundred miles per twenty four hours may be required to reach the designated target.
Restrooms are holes you dig in the ground within sight of your buddy. The food you eat was made sometime in the last war, if you're lucky.
Your training was brutal. In fact, seventy-five percent have dropped out or were injured.
Now, the morning comes that you make the grade and see what you have become. Your first mission has six men to a team ten thousand miles from home with no support.
G2 intelligence tells you all is 'A-OK for a go', so you observe the situation.
Twelve, twenty four, thirty six hours pass under cover; whatever it takes to know your terrain.
You operate at night, hide during the day hoping there's no infra-red in the area. Zero-hour now is the time to infiltrate the enemy, moving as one, with no noise. No sounds till the click, then the ear piercing blast and flash from a trip-mine.
Soldier One has hit a trip wire killing two of your team. The game's over. Now it's time for all the blood and tears from your training program to kick in. Name, rank, and number ais given freely with guns pointing at your head.
Naked, in a cold wet room, hands and feet tied, you are kicked and beaten half to death. Name, rank and number is given again, followed by more beating and kicks. Food and water are denied.
Forget cries for help, you are captive.
For the first time, you're on your own, split from the team. You are in survival mode.
No sleep, but more beatings. No food or water, just beatings.
You think of home.
One of the team is picked out; you face him as he is shot in the back of the head. You are told to talk or you will be next. Name, rank and number is all that comes.
Gary, this is a powerful portrait of the soldier's hell. Please punctuate it!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Hi Gary.
This is intense and well conceived, but still needs work from a technical point of view. you make the reader work too hard by not using punctuaiton and the basic norms for writing prose. it appears more like a pom the way you have it formatted.
You have valuable things to say and I would love to see you polish the style into a more reader-friendly and potentially publishable format. Not sure why you choose the style you do? Is there a purpose behind it?
Your odd style makes the reader labor to read this---I can;t imagine this is what you want?
Why not post as poetry since it is not really prose?
The block of same-length lines without line breaks, paragraphs, or punctuated sentences makes this a chore to read, which is unfortunate, as otherwise it has much to offer.
This is more a poetic portrait-sketch like a snap shot of a moment than an actual short story, so on that level i think it suits the poetry genre more aptly than prose.
You have odd capitalization style as well, confusing the reader even more.
I have noticed that despite in depth feedback and suggestions from conscientious reviewers, you have not made edits. As listing the spag issues would take hours, instead i will make a gesture of offering you a revised version as an example of how this could be made to read smoothly with proper grammar, punctuaiton and formatting. Hopefully, it appeals to you and inspires you to make the effort to learn the basics of prose writing so you can express your gift more coherently.
It is important to have full sentences making the subject clear as well as the verb. Also, numbers are easier to read when spelled out (and it is grammatically correct to do so).
SUGGESTED EDIT-
Sierra Alpha Sierra soldiers carry equipment that would kill the average man with its minimum 80 pound backpacks plus weapons and radios. On a bad day, you can travel 10 miles in 2 hours with full equipment.
Most learn to sleep on the walk, or for five of the ten minutes of each two hour stop. Fifty to one hundred miles per twenty four hours may be required to reach the designated target.
Restrooms are holes you dig in the ground within sight of your buddy. The food you eat was made sometime in the last war, if you're lucky.
Your training was brutal. In fact, seventy-five percent have dropped out or were injured.
Now, the morning comes that you make the grade and see what you have become. Your first mission has six men to a team ten thousand miles from home with no support.
G2 intelligence tells you all is 'A-OK for a go', so you observe the situation.
Twelve, twenty four, thirty six hours pass under cover; whatever it takes to know your terrain.
You operate at night, hide during the day hoping there's no infra-red in the area. Zero-hour now is the time to infiltrate the enemy, moving as one, with no noise. No sounds till the click, then the ear piercing blast and flash from a trip-mine.
Soldier One has hit a trip wire killing two of your team. The game's over. Now it's time for all the blood and tears from your training program to kick in. Name, rank, and number ais given freely with guns pointing at your head.
Naked, in a cold wet room, hands and feet tied, you are kicked and beaten half to death. Name, rank and number is given again, followed by more beating and kicks. Food and water are denied.
Forget cries for help, you are captive.
For the first time, you're on your own, split from the team. You are in survival mode.
No sleep, but more beatings. No food or water, just beatings.
You think of home.
One of the team is picked out; you face him as he is shot in the back of the head. You are told to talk or you will be next. Name, rank and number is all that comes.
Gary, this is a powerful portrait of the soldier's hell. Please punctuate it!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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thank you for the review
Comment from ulster3
Hello deepwater.
You have written an interesting chapter here. If I may offer an opinion, the print is lovely to look at, but less practical in terms of reading. I think these soldiers face a horrific situation. We owe a lot to our armed forces.
Fondly, Rebecca
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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Hello deepwater.
You have written an interesting chapter here. If I may offer an opinion, the print is lovely to look at, but less practical in terms of reading. I think these soldiers face a horrific situation. We owe a lot to our armed forces.
Fondly, Rebecca
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
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will change Rebecca thanks for the review
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It was my pleasure to read.
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thank you
