Comment from Twomoon

Exceptional

Mike, this was very well written..I enjoyed the story and the meaning behind it..ADVENTURE!!! Wow, the cave is cool, well did you find any mysteries or did I miss that in the story?? lol...loved the poem at the end of the story, kindof made it work out in a fun playful way. The people on board were, not for me, personal enough, but the movement and the story itself overcame that quite well..much love twomoon...enjoyed it! Thanks for the journy..now for tea!

 Comment Written 25-May-2010

---

reply by the author on 25-May-2010

Wow! What a review and the rating! Personally, I rated this a four as so much was left out of this chapter. My problem is that the caving stories are a book in and of itself. The experience, the commradary, and even the change of pace that the local people reveal themselves, through their spirit as people of God. In personal tragedy, so many people set themselves out to destroy the world around them, it was so humbling that the people of the flood, (who lost everything) would want us to continue on and enjoy their area by caving. The symbolism was incredable, and they remembered us! That poem was the second that I created, I unfortunately lost the first after I ripped it up and threw it away because of a cynical critique. A hard lesson well learned.

I thank you very much for this review, as it stopped my compass from spinning, showing me the bearing.

In a sense, this desire to be an explorer, is the exact story of, "The Ten Bulls," as related in, "Of Zen Flesh, Zen Bones."

Enjoy your tea. Love, Mike

Comment from IndianaIrish

Good

I like your caving stories very much, Mike. I'm not claustrophobic, but I wonder if I'd have the courage to squeeze through those tiny places in the dark .

Also every scouting skill taught(no comma), was realized

Parkville Senior High student(no comma), I remained in contact

against my(insistence) insistance

I told him that I (delete that and change will to would)will crack my paddle

It rained there too, and our troop's rain cloud had lifted with symbolic repose. At the beginning of that summer camp, a storm moved through that dropped all of my gear on the ground; in summer's hot and humid weather, everything that I had molded instantly. Though reeking, we still made sure we had fun.(I read the paragraph 4 times but don't understand what you're saying, Mike.)

middle of the room, there was (a) formation

the low ceiling held sea shells embedded in the limestone of the low ceiling.(delete second -of the low ceiling)

as there (had)has to be much more to the cave

alarmed and demanded(,)

kids wouldn't get out to greet the owner's son,(get out of what?)

they (were)are shy

crazy to go(.), "Don't you see the news(?).

twenty(-)three counties

I enjoyed your poem!
Indy :>)

 Comment Written 24-May-2010

---

reply by the author on 25-May-2010

Thannk you very much for reviewing this. Necessity is the mother of invention and you'de be surprised what we'de get you to squeeze through. When we failed, it was far more a question of bone structure then size. Once one gets over the psychological aspect, you will at least be able to try anything.

I made all of the fixes, including the paragraph, which should read better.

"It rained everyday there too, and our troop's rain cloud had lifted at the end with symbolic repose. At the beginning of the trip summer camp, a storm moved through the area that blew all of my gear on the ground; and in the summer's hot and humid weather, everything that I had molded instantly. Though reeking from becoming moldy, we still made sure we had fun anyway."

Mike

Comment from dportwood

Excellent

Mike K2,

Though somewhat disjointed in places, I found this to be a fun story. Some items that you might want to edit are

a very couple of very large ones.

father started balling his eyes out, ('balling' s/b 'bawling')

got pretty good and setting up a camp ('and' s/b 'at')

had a thirty minute craw before you could

was one of traveling though time

a deep in as we were in the cave

Otherwise quite well done.

Duane

 Comment Written 23-May-2010

---

reply by the author on 23-May-2010

A few of the suggested corrections were already made, but perhaps not yet posted. Many of the others weren't, so I thank you very much for making me aware of them. My problem with these camping stories is that I have thousands of them. I try to pick the few that best sumarizes what I want to highlight. Disjointedness is definitely a feeling that all cavers feel from time to time. LOL With those stories, I wanted to give a good sense of adventure, yet keep it in the confines of the chapter with the scouting story. There are many harrowing stories that I didn't feel I had the space to communicate. Like the time I was totally stretched out in a passage, with my arm out in front, when my carbide lamp lost its tip and turned into a plumbers acetyline tourch. Every cave trip has one of them.

I thank you very much for your reading and reviewing this, as well the compliments and suggested changes. Have a great week ahead! Mike

Comment from Shirley McLain

Average

I truly enjoyed your story. It must have been quite an adventure. Your descriptions bring pictures to my mind. I have found several thing that need some work. I have pasted them below.

as I was established a career > the wording doesn't make sense.

not longer there > NO LONGER THERE

tremendously expense > tremendously expensive

a very couple of very large ones > a couple of very large ones.

thirty minute craw > crawl

a deep in as we were in the cave, > as deep in the cave as we were

 Comment Written 23-May-2010

---

reply by the author on 23-May-2010

Thank you for reviewing this, I made the corrections. Mike

reply by Shirley McLain on 23-May-2010

Your very welcome Mike.
Shirley

Comment from rivki1111

Excellent

Hello, this is carefully written, and interesting. I didn't notice any errors apart from some words that are spaced to far apart.

extended trip,(close space) but Dad was

This didn't detract from my rating, as it is a five star work, in mho, but if you are editing for a publisher then it is good to have it as perfect as you can.

Thanks for sharing your writing, and extensive author notes. This is a narrative I would recommend to others for review, cheers, rebekah

 Comment Written 23-May-2010

---

reply by the author on 23-May-2010

I checked out the typo, and did fix something, but the space could be part of the justification. I am sure there are many more corrections that will need to be made. I do agree with you about doing my best to get it right for the publisher, but being in the industry of printing, sometimes they can surprise you with a changed correction they have made.

It's been so long since I have heard from you, as I am laboring to get this done and I am not on the poetry side very much. I am glad to hear from you, thank you for your corrections, compliments and this review. Have a great week ahead too! Mike

reply by rivki1111 on 23-May-2010

It's also nice to see you there. I had to do more writing than FS, lol It is interesting that you were in publishing. I am interested to see the changes made by the publisher of my short stories. They are in the mail. I'm a novice, but the publishing side of writing has been a learning curve and I guess I know more now than when I started.

I hope things are well with you. It sounds like you have gotten serious about your prose writing. Bye for now, rebekah

Comment from Gideon Roth

Excellent

Great job on this. I enjoyed it very much and it held my interest all the way through. The poem that was included made a special touch. Good work...Gideon

 Comment Written 23-May-2010

---

reply by the author on 23-May-2010

I was origionally going to point people to the poem which also exists in my portfolio, for lack of being able to link it, but I felt that it would not only be a wonderful touch to include it at the end, but also a nice way to quietly point to my first serious poetic work and share the interesting story behind it. I thank you very much for your compliments and this review. Mike