Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Over the Top 1914 Eastern Front"A book of Poetry & Writing
238 total reviews
Comment from GWinterwin
Good poem with a good picture to tell of the sad words of a soldier in battle. I remember my brother writing home from inside a fox hole in Viet Nam. What a sad time for them and their loved ones.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Good poem with a good picture to tell of the sad words of a soldier in battle. I remember my brother writing home from inside a fox hole in Viet Nam. What a sad time for them and their loved ones.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Thank you
Comment from 8upchef
So intense and true. truly an honor to those who have given for us so that we can live. When we look around at all that is wrong, think about how it would have been without their sacrifices.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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So intense and true. truly an honor to those who have given for us so that we can live. When we look around at all that is wrong, think about how it would have been without their sacrifices.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Thanks
Comment from Kaila Mari
A very interesting piece on War and History. Deep and insightful as it tells about how some have given their all for the country's freedom. Well structured and rhythmical pattern makes this poem a top read.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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A very interesting piece on War and History. Deep and insightful as it tells about how some have given their all for the country's freedom. Well structured and rhythmical pattern makes this poem a top read.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Thank you
Comment from Sueswrite
This is a great poem and a very strong message written with direct detail. A vivid image is clearly imprinted in my mind after reading each phrase which flows smoothly to the final sentence. very nice. The only question I have is whether you intended to change the tenses throughout the poem from the past to present and future. For example,
will mock... will blister---future
was sold...has carnage chosen----past
we greet...ready to---present
went the battle...whistle pitched---past
we prepare---present
just thought I should run this by you. Great poem. Best wishes!
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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This is a great poem and a very strong message written with direct detail. A vivid image is clearly imprinted in my mind after reading each phrase which flows smoothly to the final sentence. very nice. The only question I have is whether you intended to change the tenses throughout the poem from the past to present and future. For example,
will mock... will blister---future
was sold...has carnage chosen----past
we greet...ready to---present
went the battle...whistle pitched---past
we prepare---present
just thought I should run this by you. Great poem. Best wishes!
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Thanks sue
Comment from beautyseeker
Excellent poem in 8/6/8/6 meter... My granddad had stories from WW1 and I havent seen many poems about war experiences though i know there must be so many, good job
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Excellent poem in 8/6/8/6 meter... My granddad had stories from WW1 and I havent seen many poems about war experiences though i know there must be so many, good job
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Thanks
Comment from Norbanus
Our dead will mock the searing heat 8
my wounds will blister black, 6
You tell us that our strength was sold 8
to help win your country back, 7
What evil times has carnage chosen 9
for judgment on this land, 6
With scorn and tears we greet him here 8
ready to make our stand, 6
Fix bayonets went the battle cry 9
As whistles pitched the sky, 6
Thoughts of love were left behind, 7
As we prepare to die 6
This is a powerful poem. It sends its message clearly and in good order. You begin my setting the scene and build from there. The turn to the close is exceptionally well presented. I've indicated the syllable count on each line and made a suggestion for the third couplet.
The lines generally alternate between iambic tetrameter and hexameter, invented centuries ago to make poetry easier to read and remember
The tetrameter part of that basically means it has eight syllable per line.(there's a little more to it than that, but that's the starting point.)
Similarly, hexameter means six syllables per line.
The iambic part is the flowing rhythm (what some call meter)
da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH
Or, to give you another example of iambic rhythm,
MaRIE MaRIE MaRIE MaRIE
But in some lines, your rhythm stumbles. Imagine if, after two or three lines of
MaRIE MaRIE MaRIE,
you suddenly see something like this:
MaRIE MAry MaRIE MaRIE
It throws the reader off, and causes words to be pronounced with the acCENT on the wrong sylLABle.
Let's take a look at your fourth and fifth lines. If we accent the syllables as in iambic meter, it might look something like this:
to HELP win YOUR countRY back, 7
da DAH da DAH da DAH da
Notice that the words country is accented in a way it would not be in ordinary speech. Country is usually pronounced with emphasis on the first syllable COUNT. Notice too, that the line ends with a non-accented syllable. Removing the word HELP will bring the line to six syllables and to hexameter. Consider rewording to something like this:
to WIN your COUNTry BACK,
da DAH da DAH da DAH
Line five is presented in nine syllables and ends with the non-accedented 'en' of chosen. The meaning is retained and tetrameter is achieved by using the word chose.
What EV il TIMES has CAR nage CHOS en
da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH da
Alternative:
What EV il TIMES has CAR nage CHOSE
da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH
That tightens the lines to eight syllables and allows words to flow smoothly and to emphasized as they would be in ordinary speech.
You might also want to consider adjusting lines nine and eleven.
I hope you find something useful in these suggestions.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2014
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Our dead will mock the searing heat 8
my wounds will blister black, 6
You tell us that our strength was sold 8
to help win your country back, 7
What evil times has carnage chosen 9
for judgment on this land, 6
With scorn and tears we greet him here 8
ready to make our stand, 6
Fix bayonets went the battle cry 9
As whistles pitched the sky, 6
Thoughts of love were left behind, 7
As we prepare to die 6
This is a powerful poem. It sends its message clearly and in good order. You begin my setting the scene and build from there. The turn to the close is exceptionally well presented. I've indicated the syllable count on each line and made a suggestion for the third couplet.
The lines generally alternate between iambic tetrameter and hexameter, invented centuries ago to make poetry easier to read and remember
The tetrameter part of that basically means it has eight syllable per line.(there's a little more to it than that, but that's the starting point.)
Similarly, hexameter means six syllables per line.
The iambic part is the flowing rhythm (what some call meter)
da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH
Or, to give you another example of iambic rhythm,
MaRIE MaRIE MaRIE MaRIE
But in some lines, your rhythm stumbles. Imagine if, after two or three lines of
MaRIE MaRIE MaRIE,
you suddenly see something like this:
MaRIE MAry MaRIE MaRIE
It throws the reader off, and causes words to be pronounced with the acCENT on the wrong sylLABle.
Let's take a look at your fourth and fifth lines. If we accent the syllables as in iambic meter, it might look something like this:
to HELP win YOUR countRY back, 7
da DAH da DAH da DAH da
Notice that the words country is accented in a way it would not be in ordinary speech. Country is usually pronounced with emphasis on the first syllable COUNT. Notice too, that the line ends with a non-accented syllable. Removing the word HELP will bring the line to six syllables and to hexameter. Consider rewording to something like this:
to WIN your COUNTry BACK,
da DAH da DAH da DAH
Line five is presented in nine syllables and ends with the non-accedented 'en' of chosen. The meaning is retained and tetrameter is achieved by using the word chose.
What EV il TIMES has CAR nage CHOS en
da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH da
Alternative:
What EV il TIMES has CAR nage CHOSE
da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH
That tightens the lines to eight syllables and allows words to flow smoothly and to emphasized as they would be in ordinary speech.
You might also want to consider adjusting lines nine and eleven.
I hope you find something useful in these suggestions.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2014
-
Thanks
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That war was supposed to have been the war that ended all wars. It wasn't and millions of young innocents died horrific deaths in vain as only a few years later, WW2 began. Your words are simple and very well chosen, with :) Sandra
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2014
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That war was supposed to have been the war that ended all wars. It wasn't and millions of young innocents died horrific deaths in vain as only a few years later, WW2 began. Your words are simple and very well chosen, with :) Sandra
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2014
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Thank you Sandra
Comment from robina1978
A photo with the graves always touches me emotionally, especially if it is letter home. People nowadays tend not to remember anymore.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2014
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A photo with the graves always touches me emotionally, especially if it is letter home. People nowadays tend not to remember anymore.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2014
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Thank you
Comment from kiwisteveh
A powerful poem about the tragedy that was 'the war to end all wars.'
There are a couple of unusual pronoun choices that gave me pause as I read....
you and your (lines 3 and 4) just who is the poet addressing here?
Then there is 'him' in line 7 - again I am groping to see who it could apply to - the only possibility seems to be a personification of 'carnage'
Still a strong piece - the abcb rhymes work well.
Steve
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2014
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A powerful poem about the tragedy that was 'the war to end all wars.'
There are a couple of unusual pronoun choices that gave me pause as I read....
you and your (lines 3 and 4) just who is the poet addressing here?
Then there is 'him' in line 7 - again I am groping to see who it could apply to - the only possibility seems to be a personification of 'carnage'
Still a strong piece - the abcb rhymes work well.
Steve
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2014
-
Thanks
Comment from Pearl Edwards
A nice emotional poem as he who prepares to die writes home.
With scorn and tears they fix their bayonets and go into battle in 'The Great War".You write well from the soldiers viewpoint, as you would, an old soldier.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2014
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A nice emotional poem as he who prepares to die writes home.
With scorn and tears they fix their bayonets and go into battle in 'The Great War".You write well from the soldiers viewpoint, as you would, an old soldier.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2014
-
Thanks
