Performance Problems- My Life! LOL
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "Back to Baltimore, Lamp In Hand"A halarious adventure with misery, but always joy!
5 total reviews
Comment from IndianaIrish
Hi ya, Mike. I felt so bad you weren't able to go back to school to continue photography. It's an interesting chapter all the way through.
Most of the following spag is a wrong tense error. In conversation, you can use present tense, but all the narrative needs to be in the past tense, Mike, because this happened in the past as you're remembering it.
hair(-)raising
whot(who) drove just like him
traveled through the traffic jam (maybe it's just in the Midwest, but our traffic jams are going so slow, you can push the car faster or are bumper-to-bumper stop and go...yours goes 65mph??LOL)
I couldn't help,(delete this comma) but have the feeling
He was quite complimenting(complimentary) of mine
He did to(too), but what drove me crazy
crack on(up?) everybody
The joy was Mr. Quinn(which Quinn was this? You just listed the whole family of Quinns, so who was this one?)
mutually experience(d)
whose cost was $4,000.00.(whose is a word that shows ownership. Better to put that cost $4,000.00)
only for you(r) school and board
non(-) understanding asshole
I couldn't tell the people(delete the people) any of my fellow students that I won't be there for the second year, or how much I will(would) miss them.
room I had rented is (was)still available
he will(would) send the security deposit
Next calling me was,(no comma) Mr. Falgo(,) who told me that while,(no comma) the deadline had passed, there is (was)still room
he will(would) find me help with the food.
prefer to do things that(the) way that we do
"What bullshit! " (delete the quotation marks--it's a thought so the italics is right)
This stooped(stopped)
contempt for us,(. Instead) instead of
(delete this quotation mark and tack on to previous paragraph...it's a continuation of your speech) "You didn't care I was starving for a month, and my father doesn't care is(if) I starve
the thirty(-)five days
the troop is(was) changing scoutmasters, and that he is(was) going back
both here for the new scoutmaster.(?)
(he)started to act strangely and told us that he is(was) happy to be our scoutmaster and is(was) prepared
were in the troop(and kept) keeping it going
Basically stuffing all of the gear and kids in I, so the troop could still camp.(what???)
boys will(would) stay in it
high adventure is(was) the way to go
"Cave's(Caves) in Maryland,"
when the time is(was) right, things will(would) change
I realized it is(was) a natural progression in life.
Smiles,
Indy :>)
reply by the author on 17-May-2010
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Hi ya, Mike. I felt so bad you weren't able to go back to school to continue photography. It's an interesting chapter all the way through.
Most of the following spag is a wrong tense error. In conversation, you can use present tense, but all the narrative needs to be in the past tense, Mike, because this happened in the past as you're remembering it.
hair(-)raising
whot(who) drove just like him
traveled through the traffic jam (maybe it's just in the Midwest, but our traffic jams are going so slow, you can push the car faster or are bumper-to-bumper stop and go...yours goes 65mph??LOL)
I couldn't help,(delete this comma) but have the feeling
He was quite complimenting(complimentary) of mine
He did to(too), but what drove me crazy
crack on(up?) everybody
The joy was Mr. Quinn(which Quinn was this? You just listed the whole family of Quinns, so who was this one?)
mutually experience(d)
whose cost was $4,000.00.(whose is a word that shows ownership. Better to put that cost $4,000.00)
only for you(r) school and board
non(-) understanding asshole
I couldn't tell the people(delete the people) any of my fellow students that I won't be there for the second year, or how much I will(would) miss them.
room I had rented is (was)still available
he will(would) send the security deposit
Next calling me was,(no comma) Mr. Falgo(,) who told me that while,(no comma) the deadline had passed, there is (was)still room
he will(would) find me help with the food.
prefer to do things that(the) way that we do
"What bullshit! " (delete the quotation marks--it's a thought so the italics is right)
This stooped(stopped)
contempt for us,(. Instead) instead of
(delete this quotation mark and tack on to previous paragraph...it's a continuation of your speech) "You didn't care I was starving for a month, and my father doesn't care is(if) I starve
the thirty(-)five days
the troop is(was) changing scoutmasters, and that he is(was) going back
both here for the new scoutmaster.(?)
(he)started to act strangely and told us that he is(was) happy to be our scoutmaster and is(was) prepared
were in the troop(and kept) keeping it going
Basically stuffing all of the gear and kids in I, so the troop could still camp.(what???)
boys will(would) stay in it
high adventure is(was) the way to go
"Cave's(Caves) in Maryland,"
when the time is(was) right, things will(would) change
I realized it is(was) a natural progression in life.
Smiles,
Indy :>)
Comment Written 16-May-2010
reply by the author on 17-May-2010
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I made most of the recomended changes, or better clarified sentences, even deleted a couple of undected thats. Sorry I was so hypertensive with this one. Oh, crack on, is a descriptive slang term for irritating or bullying. I thank you so very much for the review, corrections and compliment. I guess keeping a chapter like this cohesive and interesting is from the many years of telling the stories to people and discovering the point of irritation. LOL
Have a great weel ahead! Mike
Comment from Eternal Muse
You have a great and moving story here; with excellent descriptive imagery; good narration; vivid characterization and emotions and feelings many could relate to. Professionally written it tugs at the heartstrings of the reader. My father has been deceased for over three years now; and your story brought the memories of him back.
Youa are a very talented writer; and thanks for sharing this with us.
Love and hugs, Y.
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
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You have a great and moving story here; with excellent descriptive imagery; good narration; vivid characterization and emotions and feelings many could relate to. Professionally written it tugs at the heartstrings of the reader. My father has been deceased for over three years now; and your story brought the memories of him back.
Youa are a very talented writer; and thanks for sharing this with us.
Love and hugs, Y.
Comment Written 16-May-2010
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
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Hopefully your dad drove better. Wow, knowing the quality of your writing, to receive a review like this is very touching. Especially on the points that you critique this with, making this a very strong review.
This work has gone through three incarnations, this being the third, as I finially figured out a good stopping point. You bring up the words, "professionally written," which has really moved me, as it indicates that I am viewing myself honestly. With a work like this, nothing less would do as it would fall apart on several counts. The funny thing is, in the beginning you'd think a 10 year old kid wrote this, as I tried to capture the experience as it relates to age and perception. A bit Huck Finnish, that actually proved to be quite a challange.
I want to thank you for your reading this, review, compliments and most of all about sharing how this brought up memories of your dad. That is another intention of this book, to have the reader remember the people and adventures in their lives.
Have a great week ahead! Mike
Comment from Judian James
Here I am again, but may not be back for another review for awhile. I get so far behind on the poet's side, which is where I belong and like to be most of the time. My biggest suggestion to you Mike is to try and make your chapters shorter and I'm sure you'll get more reviews. The crawling through the cave bit which eventually led you to joining the National Speleological Society for life was interesting. Sorry to read you didn't return to RISP. sad
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
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Here I am again, but may not be back for another review for awhile. I get so far behind on the poet's side, which is where I belong and like to be most of the time. My biggest suggestion to you Mike is to try and make your chapters shorter and I'm sure you'll get more reviews. The crawling through the cave bit which eventually led you to joining the National Speleological Society for life was interesting. Sorry to read you didn't return to RISP. sad
Comment Written 16-May-2010
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
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Jude? Please don't tell me you cut and pasted this chapter into a word processor to get the count. LOL To be honest, with putting so much of my life into this, reviews are the least of my worries. I understand the FS fopa about chapter length, but I have to balance that seeming demand with presenting a detailed and balanced story. Chapter considerations easily take up as much time as writing it. Hence the slow pace of posting, which is driving me crazy as nothing else is getting done. Unknown to the reader is that this chapter has already been split.
I have a RISP instructor as a friend, the flambouant one. One of my goals of a book like this is so someone, making tough decisions, can see the other side of logic and decision making so they can take things into account for their particular problems. We all have regrets about what we can't do, but it is easier on one's self not to put too much selfnegative force. It was my path of feathers and becoming a writer, where I realized that one's aims and dead ends can evolve into something else that is wonderful and challanging.
Jude, thank you for this review. Mike
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my pleasure,Mike
Comment from RazberryBullet
I quickly found the imaginary brake pedal on the passenger's side, as I clenched my bone white knuckles. LOL!!!
This is good: no matter how the rest of the world was or perceived things, I remained very happy. :)
suggestions: you have really come a long way since being /her>here/ and learned a lot."...(incomplete sentence>)Unlike my high school years, where I had plenty of work, yet was able to make time to enjoy summer vacation/.>,all (omit>All) I had was the rest of the weekend to enjoy/,>./ /starting>Starting Monday/;>,/ I would /omit>start/ work at Advance Printing immediately.
Needs a little tweeking.
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
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I quickly found the imaginary brake pedal on the passenger's side, as I clenched my bone white knuckles. LOL!!!
This is good: no matter how the rest of the world was or perceived things, I remained very happy. :)
suggestions: you have really come a long way since being /her>here/ and learned a lot."...(incomplete sentence>)Unlike my high school years, where I had plenty of work, yet was able to make time to enjoy summer vacation/.>,all (omit>All) I had was the rest of the weekend to enjoy/,>./ /starting>Starting Monday/;>,/ I would /omit>start/ work at Advance Printing immediately.
Needs a little tweeking.
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
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I tweeked in your suggestions: "Unlike my high school years, where I had plenty of work, yet was able to make time to enjoy summer vacation; after photography school, I only had the rest of the weekend to enjoy. Starting Monday, I would start work at Advance Printing immediately.
If possible, for future reviews, it would better if you recomend changes on seperate lines. They took a while to figure out.
I thank you for taking the time to read and review my work. Mike
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I have not review any of your previous work so I will not comment on the plot or the characters, just the mechanics.
My main suggestion is to split the chapter in two parts. You will get more reviews.
there was no doubt that Dad was a city (that is an extra word)
with no reservations of thoughts towards, "What if something goes wrong." (toward and a question mark after wrong)
He worked as an engineer for Conrail, (period, it's not a speech tag)
was a scoutmaster before and quite simply, we liked him, (period)
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
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I have not review any of your previous work so I will not comment on the plot or the characters, just the mechanics.
My main suggestion is to split the chapter in two parts. You will get more reviews.
there was no doubt that Dad was a city (that is an extra word)
with no reservations of thoughts towards, "What if something goes wrong." (toward and a question mark after wrong)
He worked as an engineer for Conrail, (period, it's not a speech tag)
was a scoutmaster before and quite simply, we liked him, (period)
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
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Thank you for reviewing this. I did make all of the changes you suggested. I understand the FanStory psychie of 2,500 words per chapter, but with taking everything into consideration, I am very comfortable in my chapter splits. I thank you for reviewing this. Boy was it quick! Mike
