Mark Betrays Mom
Adopted Son Gets Caught17 total reviews
Comment from wierdgrace
Man this truly does happen, and I know a friend who it happened to this is well written, and had me glue to the complete story because of the content and not the hormones of this teen, well done again.
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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Man this truly does happen, and I know a friend who it happened to this is well written, and had me glue to the complete story because of the content and not the hormones of this teen, well done again.
Comment Written 16-May-2010
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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It's a terrible situation that changes so many lives. Thanks as always for reading, Grace. I appreciate your comments. - John
Comment from irishauthorme
This was a horrible situation, but at the same time, it was a fast moving little adventure story.
In spite of the ladie's protests, why did I get the feeling that if the young man had approached her differently, the ending might not have been the same?
(LOL) irish
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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This was a horrible situation, but at the same time, it was a fast moving little adventure story.
In spite of the ladie's protests, why did I get the feeling that if the young man had approached her differently, the ending might not have been the same?
(LOL) irish
Comment Written 16-May-2010
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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You read into my stories well. I agree. The approach dictates the outcome. Good observation. - John
Comment from closetpoetjester
Hey Thesis! A great write my friend and I was compelled to sit on the edge of my seat for much of this read.
A wonderfully told tale of a lady who probably should have locked her door but I guess she was in her own home.
The only thing I didn't like was the chop and change from describing her in the third person to the first person. I think it should have been one or the other, but this is just an opinion.
I loved the write and I think it is reflective of all too true cases out there these days.
Cheers closet xo
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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Hey Thesis! A great write my friend and I was compelled to sit on the edge of my seat for much of this read.
A wonderfully told tale of a lady who probably should have locked her door but I guess she was in her own home.
The only thing I didn't like was the chop and change from describing her in the third person to the first person. I think it should have been one or the other, but this is just an opinion.
I loved the write and I think it is reflective of all too true cases out there these days.
Cheers closet xo
Comment Written 16-May-2010
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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Hi, Closet. You're right. I've been afflicted with a changing POV disorder for the last two weeks, lol. Hopefully, after all the rain we're having, it will clear my head and I can stick to a single POV. Thanks for the catch and for your wonderful review. - John
Comment from minopavlic
There's many reasons such an incident can take place, and believe me none of them stem from a healthy childhood. After 14 yrs in prison I've seen all kinds, and heard countless stories. All deviant behavior originates from one form of abuse or another.
Text-books about certain behaviors are just interpretations of man, not actual experiences. Their was once a profile on Ted Bundy done. According to it I should be a mass murderer. Just mu two cents.
no_obstacle
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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There's many reasons such an incident can take place, and believe me none of them stem from a healthy childhood. After 14 yrs in prison I've seen all kinds, and heard countless stories. All deviant behavior originates from one form of abuse or another.
Text-books about certain behaviors are just interpretations of man, not actual experiences. Their was once a profile on Ted Bundy done. According to it I should be a mass murderer. Just mu two cents.
no_obstacle
Comment Written 16-May-2010
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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Thanks for the insight. If we could only stop the abuse, wveryone could live better. I only see it getting worse, though. The loss of respect, the road-rage mentality and the court systems all add to the problem. Thanks for reviewing. - John
Comment from JW
This story is well told and unfortunately describes what could be a real life situation.
However, there are a few items that you may want to review.
In the story you change from third person, to first person, then to second person.
The sentence, "Jennifer was happy it was Friday afternoon." could use a comma after the word, happy.
Also - if the cell phone was made in the two to three years - any emergency agency would automatically be able to detect it's location.
It also seemed to me a bit unrealistic that the police would show up without using a siren and be entering a house without announcing themselves or making any sound whatsoever.
Except for the above, the story was good.
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This story is well told and unfortunately describes what could be a real life situation.
However, there are a few items that you may want to review.
In the story you change from third person, to first person, then to second person.
The sentence, "Jennifer was happy it was Friday afternoon." could use a comma after the word, happy.
Also - if the cell phone was made in the two to three years - any emergency agency would automatically be able to detect it's location.
It also seemed to me a bit unrealistic that the police would show up without using a siren and be entering a house without announcing themselves or making any sound whatsoever.
Except for the above, the story was good.
Comment Written 15-May-2010
Comment from bookishfabler
I have to say, I was glued to my seat. Only saw one minor thing.
Jennifer kicked off her red heels, letting her feet sink into the deep plush yellow carpet, (-that) (which) felt cool against her toes
hugs book
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I have to say, I was glued to my seat. Only saw one minor thing.
Jennifer kicked off her red heels, letting her feet sink into the deep plush yellow carpet, (-that) (which) felt cool against her toes
hugs book
Comment Written 15-May-2010
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
The possibility of such a scenario is frightening.
A son who would take naked photographs of his 'mother' and then post them on the internet, may be a little far fetched to my uninitiated mind, but I get the gist of what you are saying.
Juliette
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The possibility of such a scenario is frightening.
A son who would take naked photographs of his 'mother' and then post them on the internet, may be a little far fetched to my uninitiated mind, but I get the gist of what you are saying.
Juliette
Comment Written 15-May-2010
Comment from Begin Again
John,
A horrifying topic that unfortunately probably occurs more than we prefer to think about...Your storyline was good. My only nit would be that you needed to show the outrage, the disgust, the fear more...I understood and followed the story from start to end but the description of emotions wasnt there. Maybe it's just me because I know how devastated I would be for the characters in this situation.
Smiles, CArol
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John,
A horrifying topic that unfortunately probably occurs more than we prefer to think about...Your storyline was good. My only nit would be that you needed to show the outrage, the disgust, the fear more...I understood and followed the story from start to end but the description of emotions wasnt there. Maybe it's just me because I know how devastated I would be for the characters in this situation.
Smiles, CArol
Comment Written 15-May-2010
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
The story flowed well, at the beginning, Thesis. But there are parts where you switched from second to first person narrative.
Jennifer kicked off her red heels, letting her feet sink into the deep plush yellow carpet, that felt cool against her toes. She had been in heels all day and was happy to be free of them for the weekend.>>I liked this narration
As I reached for my cell phone on the bed, Robert ran at me, tackling me and forcing me down on the bed. With his full weight on me, I was unable to move. I couldn't breathe. He grabbed the phone from my hand and threw it across the room.>>this is the line where you switch to first person.
The story is hot! You should fix it up quickly, and I'll re-rate.
Don't forget to place this in mature fiction. You've got some Holy rollers on the site-and kids.
Isaiah Ramesses
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The story flowed well, at the beginning, Thesis. But there are parts where you switched from second to first person narrative.
Jennifer kicked off her red heels, letting her feet sink into the deep plush yellow carpet, that felt cool against her toes. She had been in heels all day and was happy to be free of them for the weekend.>>I liked this narration
As I reached for my cell phone on the bed, Robert ran at me, tackling me and forcing me down on the bed. With his full weight on me, I was unable to move. I couldn't breathe. He grabbed the phone from my hand and threw it across the room.>>this is the line where you switch to first person.
The story is hot! You should fix it up quickly, and I'll re-rate.
Don't forget to place this in mature fiction. You've got some Holy rollers on the site-and kids.
Isaiah Ramesses
Comment Written 15-May-2010
Comment from missy98writer
John,
You did a wonderful job writing about a perverted teenager. The kid had no concept of the horrible thing he did to his adoptive mother. I don't blame Jennifer's husband and Mark's adoptive dad for having the cops arrest him. Perfect characterization of a sexual deviant. Excellent dialogue, great narrative and good imagery. I particularly liked the lines:
"Officer, my adopted son Mark is apparently responsible for this. He's at a friend's house at 459 Lakeland Avenue. Would you please have an officer go to that house and pick him up? Apparently the little pervert has put videos of my wife on the Internet. You have my permission to question him about the videos, we have to get them removed."
Jim was furious when he arrived at the police station. He was led to the interrogation room where Mark was being held. Matt recognized the look when he saw his father.
"She's not my real mother and you're not my father, so back off."
"Back off. That's the smart-ass answer I get. We took you in when nobody wanted you, you shithead! We gave you everything you wanted, a good home, private school, a car, and for what? So you could disgrace my wife? So you could get off watching her and send your perverted friends to rape her? I'm done with you, kid. You're right, you're not my son."
"I hope so, Mark. I have a feeling you are going to get many opportunities to prove that when you go to jail. There are a lot of people in there looking for a new girlfriend. You might understand what your mother felt when she was undressed, tied up and almost raped. The difference with you is, there is no one there who is going to try to stop it."
Thanks for sharing another riveting story you've written. Your author notes are so true. Real stories happen more than we know just watch shows like 'Forensic Files' or '48 Hours Mysteries. . . Melissa!
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John,
You did a wonderful job writing about a perverted teenager. The kid had no concept of the horrible thing he did to his adoptive mother. I don't blame Jennifer's husband and Mark's adoptive dad for having the cops arrest him. Perfect characterization of a sexual deviant. Excellent dialogue, great narrative and good imagery. I particularly liked the lines:
"Officer, my adopted son Mark is apparently responsible for this. He's at a friend's house at 459 Lakeland Avenue. Would you please have an officer go to that house and pick him up? Apparently the little pervert has put videos of my wife on the Internet. You have my permission to question him about the videos, we have to get them removed."
Jim was furious when he arrived at the police station. He was led to the interrogation room where Mark was being held. Matt recognized the look when he saw his father.
"She's not my real mother and you're not my father, so back off."
"Back off. That's the smart-ass answer I get. We took you in when nobody wanted you, you shithead! We gave you everything you wanted, a good home, private school, a car, and for what? So you could disgrace my wife? So you could get off watching her and send your perverted friends to rape her? I'm done with you, kid. You're right, you're not my son."
"I hope so, Mark. I have a feeling you are going to get many opportunities to prove that when you go to jail. There are a lot of people in there looking for a new girlfriend. You might understand what your mother felt when she was undressed, tied up and almost raped. The difference with you is, there is no one there who is going to try to stop it."
Thanks for sharing another riveting story you've written. Your author notes are so true. Real stories happen more than we know just watch shows like 'Forensic Files' or '48 Hours Mysteries. . . Melissa!
Comment Written 15-May-2010
