Rabbit
Life is Like a Bookshelf69 total reviews
Comment from Southern Writer
I think I just deleted my first review of this story. I am southern and you got the speech just right. You got the south I remember just right, also. I am so tired of reading about the blacks and whites in the south and all that was wrong. Few people write about the caring relationships that existed....this is world I lived in. People like Verge were all around me.
The description of the heat coming up off the road and making things look wavy......Wonderful! I tried to write about the same thing in my story about my Grannie Willie's funeral. I never got it right. I am jealous
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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I think I just deleted my first review of this story. I am southern and you got the speech just right. You got the south I remember just right, also. I am so tired of reading about the blacks and whites in the south and all that was wrong. Few people write about the caring relationships that existed....this is world I lived in. People like Verge were all around me.
The description of the heat coming up off the road and making things look wavy......Wonderful! I tried to write about the same thing in my story about my Grannie Willie's funeral. I never got it right. I am jealous
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thanks for reading! You may not have hit it for Grannie Willie, but I sure enjoyed your recent post about watching grandchildren play baseball. You are right about the south and the gross mis-perception that people have.
Comment from Leigh Ann
This is a wonderful story. The flow was excellent, I really enjoyed the development of the relationship between you and Virgil. I am writing this as if the story is biographical, if it isn't you sure did a great job of making it feel that way.
There is one spag in the paragraph that begins with He smiled and said, you left out the closing quotation marks that should go after look here".
Other than that its a great read. Thanks for sharing. Leigh Ann
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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This is a wonderful story. The flow was excellent, I really enjoyed the development of the relationship between you and Virgil. I am writing this as if the story is biographical, if it isn't you sure did a great job of making it feel that way.
There is one spag in the paragraph that begins with He smiled and said, you left out the closing quotation marks that should go after look here".
Other than that its a great read. Thanks for sharing. Leigh Ann
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Hi Leigh Ann - it is biographical. Of course, it was a long time ago, and God knows I've killed a lot of brain cells since then. I would be willing to bet though, that I got it pretty close to the way it all happened.
Comment from btruax
I think you dialect is excellent. You must have enjoyed writing this very much. I hope, at least, half as much as I enjoyed reading it. What a wonderful thing for a young boy to meet an old man like that. I do have one SPAG for you.
That there's Mr. Jacks middle boy, Billy - Jacks should be Jack's.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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I think you dialect is excellent. You must have enjoyed writing this very much. I hope, at least, half as much as I enjoyed reading it. What a wonderful thing for a young boy to meet an old man like that. I do have one SPAG for you.
That there's Mr. Jacks middle boy, Billy - Jacks should be Jack's.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thanks for reading. I'm glad that the dialect worked for you. One of the other reviewers had a real problem with it, but this is biographical, so I did my best to re-create something that happened a long, long, time ago. Thanks for spotting the spag. I'll fix.
Comment from jwlee211
the pattern of speech worked well and authentic. I like this story and such lessons to be learned for the reader. I like your energy and love the characters.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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the pattern of speech worked well and authentic. I like this story and such lessons to be learned for the reader. I like your energy and love the characters.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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I'm glad you liked the characters - you might just see them again. Let's see, theres the yellow jacket attack, the watermelon caper, chewing tobacco, making china-berry popguns ...
Comment from nicolas huerta
Great story! I don't know if its because I live in the south or not, but I can see, hear, and can identify with everything going on. I'm not a grammer specialist (maybe a reason I stick with poetry)but did not see anything that stuck out wrong. As I said before, this is sweet slice of life and was a pleasure to read. N.
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Great story! I don't know if its because I live in the south or not, but I can see, hear, and can identify with everything going on. I'm not a grammer specialist (maybe a reason I stick with poetry)but did not see anything that stuck out wrong. As I said before, this is sweet slice of life and was a pleasure to read. N.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Thank you very much! I appreciate your feedback and kind words.
Comment from Ann Smith
I love the pattern of speech of the South. Oh yeah, I'm from the South, maybe that's why. Personally I think it is the best language in the world. There is no presumption and we can hide if we are smart and get the last laugh. Just funning. I love this story of friendship and kindness to a little boy. Virge was a smart man in a lot of ways. I especially like the nickname Rabbit and why that became the nickname.The details and images are crisp and clear. ann
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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I love the pattern of speech of the South. Oh yeah, I'm from the South, maybe that's why. Personally I think it is the best language in the world. There is no presumption and we can hide if we are smart and get the last laugh. Just funning. I love this story of friendship and kindness to a little boy. Virge was a smart man in a lot of ways. I especially like the nickname Rabbit and why that became the nickname.The details and images are crisp and clear. ann
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Ann - thanks for your kind and generous words! Where are you from in the South?
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The Tar Heel State, nc
Comment from Dom G Robles
A very nice story well said and crafted. The language is excellent imitating in a clearly and unmistakable terms the way it was said by old Verge. A very moving story. It strikes my chord at the very end. There was pain but pain that is pretty and nice--something that will make a tear but will make you laugh--a mix emotion of memoirs of the past between ol' Verge and Rabbit... Congratulations bhogg. dom g robles
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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A very nice story well said and crafted. The language is excellent imitating in a clearly and unmistakable terms the way it was said by old Verge. A very moving story. It strikes my chord at the very end. There was pain but pain that is pretty and nice--something that will make a tear but will make you laugh--a mix emotion of memoirs of the past between ol' Verge and Rabbit... Congratulations bhogg. dom g robles
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Thanks again Dom!
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Please review original I meant "clear" instead of "clearly" in my comments. That story, indeed to me, deserves a six. Again, congratulations.Thank you
Comment from brucewrites
Good work. There is a serious danger when writing in dialect, and for the most part you avoid the worst of it and it rings fairly true. You get better as you go along, which make me wonder if you might not benefit from taking some time at the keyboard to simply warm up, get your voice established before setting off to what you have set for your task for the day. Telling us that you are looking at a heat mirage was unnecessary, as your description had established that for us perfectly well, and makes you seem insecure of your ability to show us what you are seeing, resorting to telling us as well.
I particularly liked your phrasing of the "low risk greeting", " I thought everybody could, but I guess not" and "I've just got allergies".
Nice work. Keep it up.
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reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Good work. There is a serious danger when writing in dialect, and for the most part you avoid the worst of it and it rings fairly true. You get better as you go along, which make me wonder if you might not benefit from taking some time at the keyboard to simply warm up, get your voice established before setting off to what you have set for your task for the day. Telling us that you are looking at a heat mirage was unnecessary, as your description had established that for us perfectly well, and makes you seem insecure of your ability to show us what you are seeing, resorting to telling us as well.
I particularly liked your phrasing of the "low risk greeting", " I thought everybody could, but I guess not" and "I've just got allergies".
Nice work. Keep it up.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Thanks Bruce. You are right about dialect. I wrote and re-wrote this many times, as well as turned it over in my mind.
Comment from Orchidea Blu
I loved this story it was beautifully written. I liked meeting the narrator, as a young man and his best friend Virge. I felt part of that friendship as I read along and followed them as they collected the worms to use for fishing and I cringed at the thought of all those little worms squirming around. I followed along too as they went fishing and sat and listened as they talked. I really felt like I was part of the Rabbits life. That's a good thing. Thank you for letting me join you in this story. Very well done!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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I loved this story it was beautifully written. I liked meeting the narrator, as a young man and his best friend Virge. I felt part of that friendship as I read along and followed them as they collected the worms to use for fishing and I cringed at the thought of all those little worms squirming around. I followed along too as they went fishing and sat and listened as they talked. I really felt like I was part of the Rabbits life. That's a good thing. Thank you for letting me join you in this story. Very well done!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Thanks for your kind words. Very much appreciated!
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You are very welcome
