Rabbit
Life is Like a Bookshelf69 total reviews
Comment from vandawalker
I live in NC, and I think you did a fine job of doing the dialect. I love this story about old Virge. He came alive off of the page. His lessons ring true in a folksy way. You did a magnificent job of describing him too.
The first part is clever and interesting about the bookends, but I think you need to get right into your story and your character. Then you could expand on more of your experiences with him and the lessons he taught.
The knife is a great part as well as the letter. Maybe leave out the part about losing the knife. It would make more of an impact for the ending.
Check this out:
Japan(,) and we had all summer to wait
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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I live in NC, and I think you did a fine job of doing the dialect. I love this story about old Virge. He came alive off of the page. His lessons ring true in a folksy way. You did a magnificent job of describing him too.
The first part is clever and interesting about the bookends, but I think you need to get right into your story and your character. Then you could expand on more of your experiences with him and the lessons he taught.
The knife is a great part as well as the letter. Maybe leave out the part about losing the knife. It would make more of an impact for the ending.
Check this out:
Japan(,) and we had all summer to wait
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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I'm living in NC myself right now. I do appreciate your input. I'm always living on the edge on what you include and what you don't include. I have written enough that I know sometimes less is more. I do appreciate your input and I hope you will read some more from my Portfolio!
Comment from Realist101
Hi there! What a wonderful story. I hope this gets publised for/in a book someday. This is a gem of writing, and is perfect in my view. VERY good...thank you for this. Susan
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Hi there! What a wonderful story. I hope this gets publised for/in a book someday. This is a gem of writing, and is perfect in my view. VERY good...thank you for this. Susan
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Susan - thanks again. I've had many readers ask for another story with Virge, so I'm trying to figure out which one. It might be "The Great Watermelon Heist".
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Oh good! I will look forward to it!! :) Susan
Comment from RazberryBullet
What a lovely story and what a lovely person Virge was.
Liked these lines: His teeth, when smiling, looked liked the keys on my grandma's piano.:)..He called me Rabbit.;p
As I write this, that's not a tear going down my cheek. I've just got allergies.--Yeah, same here :(
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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What a lovely story and what a lovely person Virge was.
Liked these lines: His teeth, when smiling, looked liked the keys on my grandma's piano.:)..He called me Rabbit.;p
As I write this, that's not a tear going down my cheek. I've just got allergies.--Yeah, same here :(
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Hey RB - I appreciate your comments. One of these days I'm going to have the guts to write an adventure.
Comment from Sally Carter
Oh, this so touched me! What a truly wonderful old gentleman, and how I wish I had had someone like that in my life! You really have brought a big old lump to my throat and my allergies are playing up too.
I found the dialogue totally convincing. As you probably know, I am a Brit, so I can't say whether it is right, but I could HEAR that voice, and it really brought the story even more to life.
I can't behing to tell you why I found this so captivating, apart of course from the character of Virgil. I was simply enchanted from the very first word.
You ask for pointers to any nits outside of the dialogue, and I spotted just a couple.
Near the beginning I believe it should be "kids'" stories, and in the para describing Virgil's appearance, I think it should be "engineer's" cap. Really minor things.
Thank you SO much for the pleasure this story gave me.
Sally
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Oh, this so touched me! What a truly wonderful old gentleman, and how I wish I had had someone like that in my life! You really have brought a big old lump to my throat and my allergies are playing up too.
I found the dialogue totally convincing. As you probably know, I am a Brit, so I can't say whether it is right, but I could HEAR that voice, and it really brought the story even more to life.
I can't behing to tell you why I found this so captivating, apart of course from the character of Virgil. I was simply enchanted from the very first word.
You ask for pointers to any nits outside of the dialogue, and I spotted just a couple.
Near the beginning I believe it should be "kids'" stories, and in the para describing Virgil's appearance, I think it should be "engineer's" cap. Really minor things.
Thank you SO much for the pleasure this story gave me.
Sally
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thanks again.
Comment from Mastery
Bill, you have done a fine job here with a great story. Do not concern yourself with spag and the like...This is a fine story and you are a great storyteller. Dialect is perfect as far as I can tell...Bob
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Bill, you have done a fine job here with a great story. Do not concern yourself with spag and the like...This is a fine story and you are a great storyteller. Dialect is perfect as far as I can tell...Bob
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Bob - I really appreciate your kind words. It always means more to me to get feedback from someone who's work I so admire.
Comment from Helen Tan
This is a moving story of friendship despite age difference and status. I love it and hope you will write more about Virge.
Mr. Jacks middle boy
Mr. Jack's
Them cows poop and your grandma throws it here with all dat other stuff. Them worms then eat it all up and den dey poop too. It becomes that dark ol dirt you see right there. Your grandma take all that dirt and spread it around all her vegetables. It makes em grown big and strong."
I love this bit of life science lesson taught this way. You're lucky to have such a teacher.
as Verge's niece Carrie,
as Virge's niece Carrie
Hey Rabbit - I guess you know I'm dead. It's time for dem worms to get to ol Virge. Don't you worry though, I'll be a long way from dem tomato plants. HA HA! I want you to do 2 things for me. First I want you to take care of my Barlow knife. It's in the small box. Second, I want you to think about ol Virge with a smile on your face. We had us some good times."
Do you still have this note? I would frame it. This is so moving...oh, oh...I need a tissue.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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This is a moving story of friendship despite age difference and status. I love it and hope you will write more about Virge.
Mr. Jacks middle boy
Mr. Jack's
Them cows poop and your grandma throws it here with all dat other stuff. Them worms then eat it all up and den dey poop too. It becomes that dark ol dirt you see right there. Your grandma take all that dirt and spread it around all her vegetables. It makes em grown big and strong."
I love this bit of life science lesson taught this way. You're lucky to have such a teacher.
as Verge's niece Carrie,
as Virge's niece Carrie
Hey Rabbit - I guess you know I'm dead. It's time for dem worms to get to ol Virge. Don't you worry though, I'll be a long way from dem tomato plants. HA HA! I want you to do 2 things for me. First I want you to take care of my Barlow knife. It's in the small box. Second, I want you to think about ol Virge with a smile on your face. We had us some good times."
Do you still have this note? I would frame it. This is so moving...oh, oh...I need a tissue.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Hi Helen - thanks for your kind review. Also - you are always so good to note errors. I do appreciate your input. The only way I have that note is in my memory. It was written on a note pad sheet from Holmes Pharmacy. I will write some more stories about Virge.
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Imagine what a piece of history that would be if you still had the note. I'll look out for stories about Virge. Have a great day.
Comment from CKLA
This was a pleasure to read. The story flowed well. Virge sounds like a very special person who meant a lot to you. Thanks for sharing your story.
Collette
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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This was a pleasure to read. The story flowed well. Virge sounds like a very special person who meant a lot to you. Thanks for sharing your story.
Collette
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Hi Collette - thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Bhogg, I like how you compare your experiences with books on a bookcase. Your description of Verge makes him seem alive in my eyes. And I like your relationship with him, so playful until the end of the story. You would not admit, but I think it was a tear, not the allergies.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Hi, Bhogg, I like how you compare your experiences with books on a bookcase. Your description of Verge makes him seem alive in my eyes. And I like your relationship with him, so playful until the end of the story. You would not admit, but I think it was a tear, not the allergies.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thanks Belinda. I'm glad that you read the story and I appreciate your feedback!
Comment from tati
Thank you for crafting and sharing this wonderful story with me, Rabbit, sorry, bhogg. You definitely a way with words. Excellent flow, superb imagery. My favorite lines:
It was late June and hot. I was looking up the dirt road and had to rub my eyes. There appeared to be two people walking right on top of each other on what looked like water. The air around this apparition was shimmering and wavy. I know now that it was a simple mirage created by mid-day heat on the road bed. For a six year old boy, it just looked strange.
I like your style; your imagery is just beautiful, it makes me see all you described so clearly. And your story about Old Virgil was really touching. He sounds like an exceptional person.
All the best,
tati, May 09, 2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thank you for crafting and sharing this wonderful story with me, Rabbit, sorry, bhogg. You definitely a way with words. Excellent flow, superb imagery. My favorite lines:
It was late June and hot. I was looking up the dirt road and had to rub my eyes. There appeared to be two people walking right on top of each other on what looked like water. The air around this apparition was shimmering and wavy. I know now that it was a simple mirage created by mid-day heat on the road bed. For a six year old boy, it just looked strange.
I like your style; your imagery is just beautiful, it makes me see all you described so clearly. And your story about Old Virgil was really touching. He sounds like an exceptional person.
All the best,
tati, May 09, 2010
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Hi tati - I appreciate your reading the story. Virge was a special person, and I'm sure I'll share other adventures!
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Please do, bhogg. Hope to read more about him. Have a blessed Sunday.
tati
Comment from Soledadpaz
This is a beautiful story. And I am sure that it is just allergies! Old Virge would be happy to see you write about him. He sounds like an exceptional person. God gave him long life cause he was needed here on earth. Wonderful read.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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This is a beautiful story. And I am sure that it is just allergies! Old Virge would be happy to see you write about him. He sounds like an exceptional person. God gave him long life cause he was needed here on earth. Wonderful read.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thanks again. Bill
