(windblown whirlybirds) haiku
nature haiku65 total reviews
Comment from Amicus
I like the first two lines of this little poem a lot, Brooke. The images are concrete, simple, sharp and well presented in two grammatically connected lines. The third line fragment satori is apt and adequate but, to be honest, it seems rather flat to me and the verb propel doesn't really make sense. With such a good start, I wish the satori provided greater contrast and sharper juxtaposition. I'd like to see a satori here that makes the reader work some to make the connection between the first part of the poem and the satori. How about something like...my grandson's forest... or fertility flights :>)
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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I like the first two lines of this little poem a lot, Brooke. The images are concrete, simple, sharp and well presented in two grammatically connected lines. The third line fragment satori is apt and adequate but, to be honest, it seems rather flat to me and the verb propel doesn't really make sense. With such a good start, I wish the satori provided greater contrast and sharper juxtaposition. I'd like to see a satori here that makes the reader work some to make the connection between the first part of the poem and the satori. How about something like...my grandson's forest... or fertility flights :>)
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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I will think over the satori, Amicus, especially since the advice comes from you :-) Thanks for your most thoughtful feedback :-) Brooke
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Brooke, I'm still trying to get most of my reviews done before this coming Sat.
I love wind chimes and how you described them as sin gin birds
Good luck to you.
Gert
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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Hi Brooke, I'm still trying to get most of my reviews done before this coming Sat.
I love wind chimes and how you described them as sin gin birds
Good luck to you.
Gert
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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Thank you, Gert - it is always lovely to hear from you :-) Brooke
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Smiles
Gert
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
Wow, Brooke. This is great. If it doesn't win ... well, in my view, it SHOULD win! Absolutely perfect and surely, not just what haiku is all about, what life is all about too!
Hugs
Kat
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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Wow, Brooke. This is great. If it doesn't win ... well, in my view, it SHOULD win! Absolutely perfect and surely, not just what haiku is all about, what life is all about too!
Hugs
Kat
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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Thank you, Kat - I've won one site-sponsored contest in 20 months, so I wouldn't hold your breath. LOL Brooke
Comment from Nicki_Mist
This is very creative..wings propel new life. I like that very much. I can see that if they get twirling it would look like all kinds of wings flying by. Good imagery and metaphor.
Nicole
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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This is very creative..wings propel new life. I like that very much. I can see that if they get twirling it would look like all kinds of wings flying by. Good imagery and metaphor.
Nicole
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind visits and comments this morning, Nicole :-) Brooke
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Brook,
I read this Haiku you wrote, and as you may know(probably better than I) ;) It fits the expectations of the requirements.
Now I'm not very good with Haiku ... I contemplate them from time to time, as they come on frozen dinners now.
What I liked about this one, is the double w in the opening line, makes for a strong image to start, all in the first two words. The strong image of whirly and spinning with color and trees, leaves no confusion as to what I should see in my mind, and the last line ties a meaning into the image, one that is bigger than the little poem, adding the harder to describe concept of the whole entire cycle of purpose.
I liked this, was able to envision the scene, and come away with a bigger scene tied in.
--Turtle.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
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Hi Brook,
I read this Haiku you wrote, and as you may know(probably better than I) ;) It fits the expectations of the requirements.
Now I'm not very good with Haiku ... I contemplate them from time to time, as they come on frozen dinners now.
What I liked about this one, is the double w in the opening line, makes for a strong image to start, all in the first two words. The strong image of whirly and spinning with color and trees, leaves no confusion as to what I should see in my mind, and the last line ties a meaning into the image, one that is bigger than the little poem, adding the harder to describe concept of the whole entire cycle of purpose.
I liked this, was able to envision the scene, and come away with a bigger scene tied in.
--Turtle.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
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Thank you, Turtle, for your thoughtful comments on the composition of this haiku - haiku are so difficult to write, so it is lovely when a reader pays attention :-) Brooke
Comment from rudywalsh
Well it's not hard to see why you are the number1 poet on Fanstory, another fine piece by yourself, I wonder if it takes you long to do such a wonderfull Haiku?, you really understand how to mixs your words, well done poet and good luck in the contest Rudywalsh.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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Well it's not hard to see why you are the number1 poet on Fanstory, another fine piece by yourself, I wonder if it takes you long to do such a wonderfull Haiku?, you really understand how to mixs your words, well done poet and good luck in the contest Rudywalsh.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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Thank you, rudywash - it takes me forever to compose a haiku - sometimes longer than to compose a 16 line poem. Brooke :-)
Comment from fayesh
This haiku is pure perfection, Brooke. You have exceeded all the requirements, both technically and artistically. Your satori was excellent and the accompanying artwork was a plus. Faye :)
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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This haiku is pure perfection, Brooke. You have exceeded all the requirements, both technically and artistically. Your satori was excellent and the accompanying artwork was a plus. Faye :)
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you so much, Faye - I don't get as many sixes for haiku as most poems - I guess most people look for something more emotional than I can produce in 3 lines, so I especially appreciate your rating for this form. Brooke :-)
Comment from closetpoetjester
Wow this is lovely but is a whirly bird real or manufactured as the pic looked like real wings?
I loved the line "wings propel new life". Cheers for a great read otherwise. You are such a clever girl pearl!
Closet xo
PS Inspiring too!
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Wow this is lovely but is a whirly bird real or manufactured as the pic looked like real wings?
I loved the line "wings propel new life". Cheers for a great read otherwise. You are such a clever girl pearl!
Closet xo
PS Inspiring too!
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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whirlybirds or helicopter seeds are the seeds of certain trees, including the maple - their design allows the seeds to travel farther in the wind than if they just dropped to the ground. Kids love to play with them - they are nature's free toys. If you google helicopter seeds you can see lots more pictures. Brooke
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes very well done a very good short piece with strong descriptions good luck in the contest my friend regards Fuller
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Yes very well done a very good short piece with strong descriptions good luck in the contest my friend regards Fuller
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you so much, Fuller :-) Brooke
Comment from Just2Write
Of all the ways that nature has devised to perpetuate itself - I think that thistle-down and whirlybirds are my favourite. I gathered some Maple seeds up as recently as last fall and let them fly in the wind just for a joy of it. They were big, fat ones - almost 3 inces in wing span. Your Haiku makes for a lovely thought and a great memory for children of all ages. Rose.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Of all the ways that nature has devised to perpetuate itself - I think that thistle-down and whirlybirds are my favourite. I gathered some Maple seeds up as recently as last fall and let them fly in the wind just for a joy of it. They were big, fat ones - almost 3 inces in wing span. Your Haiku makes for a lovely thought and a great memory for children of all ages. Rose.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you, Rose - I'm so glad you're one of us who won't let the child within us die :-) Brooke
