Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "Chapter 12; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
71 total reviews
Comment from Nicnac
Uh oh - it looks like Leya is going to get herself in deeper trouble. LOL
Great chapter. This flows nicely and held my interest.
There was a short part that didn't seem real believable to me - when Matt and Steven are talking - I don't think they would have used the term "make love". Maybe use the word 'sex' or 'did it' (LOL)
She lifted the lid on a pizza. <-Worded a little strangely. Perhaps change to She opened the box of pizza.
Nic
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2010
  |
Uh oh - it looks like Leya is going to get herself in deeper trouble. LOL
Great chapter. This flows nicely and held my interest.
There was a short part that didn't seem real believable to me - when Matt and Steven are talking - I don't think they would have used the term "make love". Maybe use the word 'sex' or 'did it' (LOL)
She lifted the lid on a pizza. <-Worded a little strangely. Perhaps change to She opened the box of pizza.
Nic
Comment Written 03-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2010
-
It's so nice to have you catch these errors for me. REALLY!!!! Just like old times.
Comment from maggieJo
Leya may still "be in the dark." Did she understand there was no sex with Steven. That may have been a crucial omitting - crucial for Leya.
mj
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
|
Leya may still "be in the dark." Did she understand there was no sex with Steven. That may have been a crucial omitting - crucial for Leya.
mj
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
-
I think Leya understood that Peggy and Steven didn't have any sex. I am glad to hear from you. I hope everything is going fine.
-
All is great with me. I had the cold that seems to be traveling arounnd. It didn't go down to my chest, thanks be to God. Three days of bed rest, plenty of fresh water, and I was like new. It just sapped my energy. Doing good now though. Hurry and get well.
mj
Comment from empire76
I liked the dialogue between Matt and Steven. I think in terms of flow, emotion and moving the story along, this is the scene I've enjoyed the most. You conveyed emotion in the dialogue so you don't need additional emotion.
Steven is aggravating, which is great cos he's a guy and guys act stupid a lot of the time
- she sat on Steven's lap facing him, one leg on each side of his body.
to tighten up, you can substitute astride here (meaning, with one leg on each side)
- Leya's only mistake was not telling you the whole story.
Nice
-If Peggy had made advances toward my father, he would've obliged her.
You tell this in past tense so it doesn't have to be in italics.
Empi
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
|
I liked the dialogue between Matt and Steven. I think in terms of flow, emotion and moving the story along, this is the scene I've enjoyed the most. You conveyed emotion in the dialogue so you don't need additional emotion.
Steven is aggravating, which is great cos he's a guy and guys act stupid a lot of the time
- she sat on Steven's lap facing him, one leg on each side of his body.
to tighten up, you can substitute astride here (meaning, with one leg on each side)
- Leya's only mistake was not telling you the whole story.
Nice
-If Peggy had made advances toward my father, he would've obliged her.
You tell this in past tense so it doesn't have to be in italics.
Empi
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for the kind review and I will take care of the wording.
Comment from hyway94
Very, very good and I can see where this is taken us. But as all good writers you may have a money wrench in the pot. So I think I'll just wait for the next one and see what happens.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
|
Very, very good and I can see where this is taken us. But as all good writers you may have a money wrench in the pot. So I think I'll just wait for the next one and see what happens.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and for hanging in with me. I know the member dollars on this one has dropped. I am sorry.
Comment from nora arjuna
hi barb, hmm, steven seemed so tough around leya yet weak with peggy. i thought it's funny that he needed another man to save him.
check some notes:
Steven had closed and zipped his suitcase when he answered the doorbell. - suggest make it active. maybe:
Steven zipped close his suitcase and answered the doorbell.
Joe picked her T-shirt from the floor and lifted Peggy off Steven[.] "I'll help you home." - he must have been really drunk not to be able to get away from her.
"No, I want you to get[-]" - if you meant the speech to be interrupted
He [felt] Peggy got Steven drunk, trying to manipulate him into having sex. - knew
He knew Peggy got Steven drunk, then tried to manipulate him into having sex.
"Are you saying if Joe wouldn't have taken her home, we would have [done it]?"
i hope those help, and for the married couple to get back together.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2010
|
hi barb, hmm, steven seemed so tough around leya yet weak with peggy. i thought it's funny that he needed another man to save him.
check some notes:
Steven had closed and zipped his suitcase when he answered the doorbell. - suggest make it active. maybe:
Steven zipped close his suitcase and answered the doorbell.
Joe picked her T-shirt from the floor and lifted Peggy off Steven[.] "I'll help you home." - he must have been really drunk not to be able to get away from her.
"No, I want you to get[-]" - if you meant the speech to be interrupted
He [felt] Peggy got Steven drunk, trying to manipulate him into having sex. - knew
He knew Peggy got Steven drunk, then tried to manipulate him into having sex.
"Are you saying if Joe wouldn't have taken her home, we would have [done it]?"
i hope those help, and for the married couple to get back together.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. I am so sorry you went to all this work and didn't receive any points for it. I will recheck those areas and take care of the issues.
Comment from jc123
i love the story. Steven and Leya have there hands full withe her father and the misconceptions between them, and then you throw in Peggy to muddle it further. I can't wait to see how Leya handles Peggy trying to get Steven. And to see if her father tries to cause more trouble.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
|
i love the story. Steven and Leya have there hands full withe her father and the misconceptions between them, and then you throw in Peggy to muddle it further. I can't wait to see how Leya handles Peggy trying to get Steven. And to see if her father tries to cause more trouble.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Metal Head
2 pizza's, a case of beer, and raging hormones. When you've done with Peggy, Barbara, send her round to me :-)
I've mentioned on a previous review that this story has the ability to draw me along with it, and I don't know why.
Your writing is certainly succinct and to the point, bereft of fine detail, but it's the dialogue that, for me, drives it along.
I know some of my other reviews weren't well received, but your writing standard remains constant, and I'm finding it a little more enjoyable with each read.
Maybe, because your style is different to others I've read on here, it's simply taken a little getting used to.
Of course, I still think you sometimes mix up your POV (example below), but you remain adamant you don't, so we'll just have to agree to disagree on this.
Before Matt left, he thought he'd better check on Leya. (Matt's POV) When she answered her door, she blurted out, "How much of a threat is Peggy to my marriage?" (Leys's POV)
To further illustrate the point I was trying to make, I started writing my version of this paragraph according to my understanding of POV, but it became too different from your original for it to fit in with your writing style, so I didn't finish it.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the cat fight between Leya and Peggy (I assume there is going to be one at some point). Just leave the scheming minx relatively blemish free, if you know what I mean.
Regards
Michael D
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
|
2 pizza's, a case of beer, and raging hormones. When you've done with Peggy, Barbara, send her round to me :-)
I've mentioned on a previous review that this story has the ability to draw me along with it, and I don't know why.
Your writing is certainly succinct and to the point, bereft of fine detail, but it's the dialogue that, for me, drives it along.
I know some of my other reviews weren't well received, but your writing standard remains constant, and I'm finding it a little more enjoyable with each read.
Maybe, because your style is different to others I've read on here, it's simply taken a little getting used to.
Of course, I still think you sometimes mix up your POV (example below), but you remain adamant you don't, so we'll just have to agree to disagree on this.
Before Matt left, he thought he'd better check on Leya. (Matt's POV) When she answered her door, she blurted out, "How much of a threat is Peggy to my marriage?" (Leys's POV)
To further illustrate the point I was trying to make, I started writing my version of this paragraph according to my understanding of POV, but it became too different from your original for it to fit in with your writing style, so I didn't finish it.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the cat fight between Leya and Peggy (I assume there is going to be one at some point). Just leave the scheming minx relatively blemish free, if you know what I mean.
Regards
Michael D
Comment Written 21-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
-
Before Matt left, he thought he'd better check on Leya. (Matt's POV) When she answered her door, she blurted out, "How much of a threat is Peggy to my marriage?" (Leys's POV) (Yes, I was in Matt's point of view, but as long as Leya says it and Matt can hear her, it's still in Matt's POV. If Leya thought it, then I would be switching POV's. I promise I am correct on this. I have actually taken courses on this because I didn't understand it.)
I do appreciat hearing from you and I hope you stop by again.
Comment from janicedincic
I enjoyed this - I'm sure the book will be a good read when it's done. My favourite character is Matt whom you have woven as the sensible and dependable one. That is what I find from this chapter, anyway.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
|
I enjoyed this - I'm sure the book will be a good read when it's done. My favourite character is Matt whom you have woven as the sensible and dependable one. That is what I find from this chapter, anyway.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind words. I like Matt the best also.
Comment from Nicki_Mist
A great write on how conflicts can hapen and both sides can get thrt wrong idea easily and ruin a marriage. Keep these coming. Great write.
Nicole
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
|
A great write on how conflicts can hapen and both sides can get thrt wrong idea easily and ruin a marriage. Keep these coming. Great write.
Nicole
Comment Written 21-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Mengleoh67
Oh thank God you at least fixed it somewhat before I ran out of chapters!!! More woman, I must have more LOL
Okay sorry I'm better now. Excellent writing as always. Nice smooth pace, good plot and storyline follow through. Fantastic character interaction and dialogue and I'm feeling as though we're winding up for the "she does something stupid and he has to save her" portion of the story which is always exciting and fast paced so this gentle pick up in movement is perfect.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
|
Oh thank God you at least fixed it somewhat before I ran out of chapters!!! More woman, I must have more LOL
Okay sorry I'm better now. Excellent writing as always. Nice smooth pace, good plot and storyline follow through. Fantastic character interaction and dialogue and I'm feeling as though we're winding up for the "she does something stupid and he has to save her" portion of the story which is always exciting and fast paced so this gentle pick up in movement is perfect.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
-
This manuscript only has about 70 pages left before it's finished.
