Whispers in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Preserving Life -- by JAMES"Brook's best lead dog is struck deaf
12 total reviews
Comment from MyYiaYia
I hate I am being so critical about this chapter. I still love the story. I find it fascinating and so full of interesting things about Alaska. Maybe you could define some of the words you use in your descriptions in the author's notes. Such as 'kuspik', potlatch', 'moose head stew', and others. Just to give us a little more info about it.
I am having a hard time following the story line because 2 of the characters are written in first person. It confuses me as to which character is talking. I have to keep trying to remember and it takes me right out of the story. Especially in this chapter as both are in it as first person. Maybe it is the background where it starts off talking about Brook and I just assume it is her telling the story. Is anyone else having problems with it? (I was thinking of doing the same thing with my novel, but have now decided not to try it. It doesn't work for me.)
-I think I counted 18 'that' -
-an urge to say more about that - would sound better without 'about that'. -
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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I hate I am being so critical about this chapter. I still love the story. I find it fascinating and so full of interesting things about Alaska. Maybe you could define some of the words you use in your descriptions in the author's notes. Such as 'kuspik', potlatch', 'moose head stew', and others. Just to give us a little more info about it.
I am having a hard time following the story line because 2 of the characters are written in first person. It confuses me as to which character is talking. I have to keep trying to remember and it takes me right out of the story. Especially in this chapter as both are in it as first person. Maybe it is the background where it starts off talking about Brook and I just assume it is her telling the story. Is anyone else having problems with it? (I was thinking of doing the same thing with my novel, but have now decided not to try it. It doesn't work for me.)
-I think I counted 18 'that' -
-an urge to say more about that - would sound better without 'about that'. -
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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You have a good point. If I make each chapter in first person, I need to label it for the reader. I agree that a page of terms are useful for readers. Thanks so much for your suggestions!
Comment from MissMerri
Things are getting mighty interesting between the young ladies and the young men in your story! That alone is enough to keep your readers turning the pages to see what might develop. But the coming race is also a cliff-hanger. I really admire the way you keep mystery and suspense going in your book.
I had a moment of confusion as I started to read this chaper, thinking Brook was still speaking, when it was James. In the second or third paragraph it all became clear, but I wonder if it might be a good idea to name the chapters by the name of the speaker. I've seen this done sometimes in novels where POV changes from one character to another. It helps to know immediately whose head we're in. (I realize on FS you have to give each chapter a different label or title. But is there a way to warn the reader from the outset who is speaking?) Still, I enjoyed this chapter for its hint of romance more than anything else.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Things are getting mighty interesting between the young ladies and the young men in your story! That alone is enough to keep your readers turning the pages to see what might develop. But the coming race is also a cliff-hanger. I really admire the way you keep mystery and suspense going in your book.
I had a moment of confusion as I started to read this chaper, thinking Brook was still speaking, when it was James. In the second or third paragraph it all became clear, but I wonder if it might be a good idea to name the chapters by the name of the speaker. I've seen this done sometimes in novels where POV changes from one character to another. It helps to know immediately whose head we're in. (I realize on FS you have to give each chapter a different label or title. But is there a way to warn the reader from the outset who is speaking?) Still, I enjoyed this chapter for its hint of romance more than anything else.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Thanks for this interesting piece, MissMerri. I need mentioned of the people who talk. Good Idea!
Comment from Artcart1111
Thank you for selecting my artwork to illustrate your story.
As I read your story it brought back many fond memories of when my husband and I lived in the Sedona, AZ area and used to visit the Indian villages. I like your writing style because there are enough details to make the reader feel as if they might be part of the story. Very nice read.
Artcart1111
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Thank you for selecting my artwork to illustrate your story.
As I read your story it brought back many fond memories of when my husband and I lived in the Sedona, AZ area and used to visit the Indian villages. I like your writing style because there are enough details to make the reader feel as if they might be part of the story. Very nice read.
Artcart1111
Comment Written 05-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Thanks a million, Artcrat1111. I sure do appreciate your picture.
Comment from Annmuma
Teenagers never really change from one generation to another and this chapter displays the difficulty in they encounter in recognizing who they are. A good story continues to be a good story. ann
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Teenagers never really change from one generation to another and this chapter displays the difficulty in they encounter in recognizing who they are. A good story continues to be a good story. ann
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Thanks so much, Annmuma.
Comment from adewpearl
How dare her make me feel that way - How dare she make me feel
he says, breathing hard - add comma
I really like the way you tell this story within the context/setting of the culture of the characters - this is a great way to make the story sound more authentic and to teach something of different cultures to children as they read, all the while keeping the story entertaining and showing that kids everywhere share the same sorts of problems. Brooke
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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How dare her make me feel that way - How dare she make me feel
he says, breathing hard - add comma
I really like the way you tell this story within the context/setting of the culture of the characters - this is a great way to make the story sound more authentic and to teach something of different cultures to children as they read, all the while keeping the story entertaining and showing that kids everywhere share the same sorts of problems. Brooke
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Thanks for the suggestion, adewpearl. I appreciate the comments you make.
Comment from Tellis
You did a great job of portraying a couple of awkward teens who like each other, but can't seem to get along. Great story!
Tellis
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2010
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You did a great job of portraying a couple of awkward teens who like each other, but can't seem to get along. Great story!
Tellis
Comment Written 02-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2010
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Thank you, Tellis. It's so good of you to lend me your time.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
Good chapter. Tension between James and Brook is developing nicely. They don't like each other, but are beginning to notice each other.
More detailed description of the native dances would be nice. Most of us know nothing about them so you shouldn't just gloss over them. They add real color to the story.
Roberta
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2010
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Good chapter. Tension between James and Brook is developing nicely. They don't like each other, but are beginning to notice each other.
More detailed description of the native dances would be nice. Most of us know nothing about them so you shouldn't just gloss over them. They add real color to the story.
Roberta
Comment Written 02-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2010
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Thanks for the suggestion, Roberta. I'm sure you're right about the dances.
Comment from kukarad70
Dear Fiction Writer,
Good to read your Young Adult Fiction, Whispers in the Wind- Chapter 5: Dance to the Beat, of the sort of giving enjoy to the adult dancing with and remembrance of that night is amusing to all. Yes really Brook's remembrance of last night dance and giggling with dancers and asking by mother about tonight's enjoyment. It is good sometimes to be funny and readers too to read funny fiction sometimes to get fresh up. Well combined dialogues and almost suited with common language and easy to understand any one. So that, I say you are written nice fiction and wish your success and wish more and more to read as I haven't read your other part, surely when I will read give you comment. Wish you all the best.
Thanks a lot,
Kamal
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2010
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Dear Fiction Writer,
Good to read your Young Adult Fiction, Whispers in the Wind- Chapter 5: Dance to the Beat, of the sort of giving enjoy to the adult dancing with and remembrance of that night is amusing to all. Yes really Brook's remembrance of last night dance and giggling with dancers and asking by mother about tonight's enjoyment. It is good sometimes to be funny and readers too to read funny fiction sometimes to get fresh up. Well combined dialogues and almost suited with common language and easy to understand any one. So that, I say you are written nice fiction and wish your success and wish more and more to read as I haven't read your other part, surely when I will read give you comment. Wish you all the best.
Thanks a lot,
Kamal
Comment Written 01-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your interest and for encouraging remarks.
Comment from Vicwhiskey
Really good story and a very interesting culture to write about. What were the names of the dances they were doing? I mean they're native dances to outsiders but I'm sure inside the tribe they have names. Just a thought. Enjoyed it. VW
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2010
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Really good story and a very interesting culture to write about. What were the names of the dances they were doing? I mean they're native dances to outsiders but I'm sure inside the tribe they have names. Just a thought. Enjoyed it. VW
Comment Written 01-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2010
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One dance was the Bear Hunt Dance. Dancers basically keep beat with their feet and all the motions are with hands, arms as they portray a story. Dancing with the fiddle players is modern, a tradition beginning in the early 1900's. Thanks for your interest.
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Exactly that's really interesting stuff and I think your readers would love it if included in the story unless I totally flaked out and missed it.
Comment from janicedincic
This is such a beautiful story. I've always found the traditions and customs of Native Americans fascinating - your book will help those like me learn about their customs, especially as they manage keep them today. It's heartening to see that it has not died out.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2010
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This is such a beautiful story. I've always found the traditions and customs of Native Americans fascinating - your book will help those like me learn about their customs, especially as they manage keep them today. It's heartening to see that it has not died out.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2010
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Thanks. I'm so glad you have such an appreciation.
